Need to let it out- Why I don't know? Random thought

[lounap23]

  I have very limited contact with my BPDwife now. We have been seperated for 6 months now and the only contact we have is about the divorce. In the past I have broken down and contacted her but she has completely disengaged from me.She say's it's time to move on. The relationship is unhealthy and it' not me that I am a wonderful man. It's her and things she needs in life I can not give her (obviously no one will).  All true things but it pisses me off she says this from now being disengaged from me, painting me black and not because she truly believes I was a good man to her and she has issues to deal with. She thinks she is fine. Especially now that she had painted me black and moved on to another person, in which she says that relationship is over but I don't believe her.

  I am looking forward to moving on from this and getting the divorce. Papers will be signed saturday but there is a part of me that is upset about it and doesn't want to get divorced.  Just like there is part of me that is hoping she never re-engages with me but there is a part that is scared she will and a part that hopes she does.  I have never had so many different feelings over one thing in my life. I am trying to cope but it has it's moments wher it is very difficult.  Any words to help would be appreciated.

[hanginon]

Lounap,

You are a bit ahead of me in the process so I am not sure I can offer much advice.  From my personal experience, you and I are a lot alike.  I really do love my wife... . it is just that there are times our relationship is so unhealthy (for me)that in order to preserve my own sanity I just called it quits.  She is full of good things to say about me now and promises the moon... . but I have  been there before and know they are just words and if I put myself back into that situation it will sooner or later be just like it was.  I know it isn't her, it is the illness.  I know it isn't "me".  We would occasionally have a moment of clarity where it was like talking to someone else inside her.  The one that was rational, made perfect sense and understood and empathized with my frustrations of dealing with someone with a twisted mind.

The highs are extremely high but the lows are extremely low.  We had gone almost two years without any huge issues and then it was just like the wheels fell off the wagon.  Right now I have her in the mindset that she understands our last big blow up was all her fault, she takes the blame for it and says nothing but good things about me and how I have tried for years to get her in better shape. She is accepting that the end of our relationship is coming but a part of me wishes all those lies she was telling me were true and that there was some way it would work... . but I truly do not believe it ever could.

There are a very select few that claim to have a partner that was cured of the major symptoms of BPD however most admit it was after years of very good therapy and I wonder the extent the "non" BPD person goes to in order to "make" it work.  Seems more of a stewardship than a relationship.  Everyone that I have communicated with here on L3 have been supportive of getting through the parting... . and saying that it is difficult to get through but you just have do to a gut check and get through it.  I think most of us must have some codependency issues which caused us to end up with someone like this to begin with.  My heart says stay however my mind says Run Forest! That is a conflicting and difficult place to be so I totally understand.

Best of luck with your own personal battle, I am right there with you.

Hanginon

[lounap23]

Hanginon,

Thanks for the response.  The stuggle is hard but your last point reminded me of what another poster had said to me last week and it's something that helps when I think about just being happy.   I have been with my wife for 5 yrs.   I was talking about feeling like Jekyll and Hyde now.  or as you put it

"My heart says stay however my mind says Run Forest!"

But the reality is once she had me fall in love with her and she was onto the push/pull stage which was about 1 yr into the relationship  I have never been fully happy and for the past 4 yrs felt like Jekyll and Hyde.  I want to be happy and I never want the feeling of being Jekyll andHyde everyday of my life.  Knowing with or without her I feel this way wants me to be moving on from her and happy alone or with someone else.

lounap23

[seeking balance]

Nobody gets married with the intention of getting a divorce, as such, divorce is a major jolt to our entire system.

I know personally how hard it is and I can say that you won't feel this way forever.  But when you are in the midst of it, it feels like it takes forever to get through it.

Divorce requires the grief of not just the person you trusted to build a life with, but the actual life itself.  In marriage you make plans, dreams - all of this now has to be grieved because they way we dreamed it would look is all changed.

Take time and care for yourself - this is a big trauma - if you were out of open heart surgery, you would be compassionate with yourself, try to apply this now.

Peace,

SB

[hanginon]

SB,

I know you are right, its all just a little difficult to digest.  I know there will be a better day but the time in between is rough.  I think I have been grieving our relationship for about a month now and I have times I am not so down but it doesn't take much to get me to thinking of what could have been... . if the world was right with my BPDw.

Lounap23, I know what you mean about the Jekyll and Hyde stuff. I got that t-shirt and I also know what you mean about when they made you fall in love with them. That is what has me so confounded. Its like being pulled in two different directions.  I wish mine was like most in that mine has not painted me black and has not cut off communications with me. She has done quite the opposite, she won't stop apologizing and begging me to take her back, (for hours if I let her) admits to all her faults, swears to do better and swears she will be in therapy for the rest of her life if that is what it takes.  We connect on many different levels.  That is what is making my situation so emotional with me.  I know though that it is all talk and that she doesn't even possess the ability to follow through with what she says, but she is so convincing... . like they all can be when they want something.  I think of the crazy making... . fighting over hypothetical situations that most likely will never come to be... . just for the sake of it. The projection, having to have her way, the FOG... . man... . this disorder sucks.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lounap & hanginon, I understand the urge to second guess yourselves, but am here to confirm that you are on the right track.  Don't underestimate the devastation that a BPD marriage can wreak on your life and self-esteem.  The financial, emotional and physical toll it took on me was enormous and I nearly lost myself in the BPD tsunami.  Not fun, believe me.  Now I'm divorced from my BPDex and back on my path, barely.  Sure, what you are both experiencing is rough, but it's worth it to get through to the other side.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Octoberfest]

Lounap,

You are a bit ahead of me in the process so I am not sure I can offer much advice.  From my personal experience, you and I are a lot alike.  I really do love my wife... . it is just that there are times our relationship is so unhealthy (for me)that in order to preserve my own sanity I just called it quits.  She is full of good things to say about me now and promises the moon... . but I have  been there before and know they are just words and if I put myself back into that situation it will sooner or later be just like it was.  I know it isn't her, it is the illness.  I know it isn't "me".  We would occasionally have a moment of clarity where it was like talking to someone else inside her.  The one that was rational, made perfect sense and understood and empathized with my frustrations of dealing with someone with a twisted mind.

The highs are extremely high but the lows are extremely low.  We had gone almost two years without any huge issues and then it was just like the wheels fell off the wagon.  Right now I have her in the mindset that she understands our last big blow up was all her fault, she takes the blame for it and says nothing but good things about me and how I have tried for years to get her in better shape. She is accepting that the end of our relationship is coming but a part of me wishes all those lies she was telling me were true and that there was some way it would work... . but I truly do not believe it ever could.

There are a very select few that claim to have a partner that was cured of the major symptoms of BPD however most admit it was after years of very good therapy and I wonder the extent the "non" BPD person goes to in order to "make" it work.  Seems more of a stewardship than a relationship.  Everyone that I have communicated with here on L3 have been supportive of getting through the parting... . and saying that it is difficult to get through but you just have do to a gut check and get through it.  I think most of us must have some codependency issues which caused us to end up with someone like this to begin with.  My heart says stay however my mind says Run Forest! That is a conflicting and difficult place to be so I totally understand.

Best of luck with your own personal battle, I am right there with you.

Hanginon

So much this.  My BPDex and I actually had the convorsation a few times about how it seemed like she was my "project", that I was trying to "fix" her, and how that isnt what a relationship is supposed to be about... . It's supposed to be two people working as equals, not one trying to pull on the puppet strings attached to another (the analogy being that I was the puppetmaster, although I will be damned if the puppet did not do the exact opposite of what I wanted it to do (i.e., be faithful, honest, not a sneaky, cheating person))

[lounap23]

Man I know I am on the right path and for me I seem to be having an easier time of it now but every once and awhile it gets me.  I just know I have to ride it out and remember this too shall pass.

[hanginon]

I know I am on the right path also but man it has been difficult for me.  She is a pro at the mind game and it would be different if it were just between her and I but her two daughters (my step) along with her will lose insurance when we divorce. Lord knows she needs therapy, lots of it... . that she has sworn to get when they let her out of the psyc ward here she is being evaluated for a suicide attempt. (insert huge red flag here)  Granted one daughter is in her early 20's but she has the beginnings of what her mom has and needs psyc care and therapy and the other a junior in HS. I guess it shows my character flaw of being a "fix-it" guy and wanting to "take care" of them becasue I am more worried about the girls being without insurance than their Dad is.  They almost never had insurance before me.  So I have been wanting to pull the band-aid off slowly, allow things time to transition to something else and not pull the rug out from under everyone all at once but my BPDw is unrelenting that she has "changed".  BUT! by being so unrelenting and unable to cope with anything other than what she wants, it is a classic example that she hasnt changed at all! 

I think why I have waffled so badly is that my personality has been so succeptable to her manipulation to the point that I really don't know who I am any more. You don't know how much it pains and shames me to admit that.  I had begun to get a twinge of missing her UNTIL she spoke of meeting for a day or two when she gets out... . and that familiar feeling of anxiety and dread began to come over me.  I know I am doing the right thing, it has just been particularly difficult for me.

I have been trying to keep things at least amicable but I am coming to the conclusion that she "needs" to paint me black in order for her to be able to move on.

Did I mention BPD sucks?

Hanginon

[lounap23]

I think why I have waffled so badly is that my personality has been so succeptable to her manipulation to the point that I really don't know who I am any more. You don't know how much it pains and shames me to admit that.  I had begun to get a twinge of missing her UNTIL she spoke of meeting for a day or two when she gets out... . and that familiar feeling of anxiety and dread began to come over me.  I know I am doing the right thing, it has just been particularly difficult for me.

I have been trying to keep things at least amicable but I am coming to the conclusion that she "needs" to paint me black in order for her to be able to move on.

Did I mention BPD sucks?

Hanginon

There is nothing to be ashamed of. I felt the same way and I bet most people on here feel like they have lost themselves and don't know who they are.  You have to take time to take care of yourself. You need to start doing the thinbs you like to do. Have fun. Slowly get out there. Meet new people if you don't have a lot of friends that can be therefor you now.

With that said. She needs to paint you black so you can move on. You cannot worry about her as hard as that is to hear this. You have to accept you cannot fix her. You cannot do anything to help her. You will only hurt yourself. 

I desperately wish my wife and I wouldn't divorce and she would get help and magically things would be great.  But that is not happening. I have accpeted that and as hard as it is I know I am happier for it now and will be very happy in the long run.  Just remember all the bad when you start missing the good.  For me the bad far outweighed the good but as we remember the good times and we start to get those feelings just remember the bad times and you will slowly get though this.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, it's easy to lose yourself in the throes of a BPD r/s, hanginon, so just go slowly and be as authentic with yourself as you possibly can.  Follow the "golden thread" when you notice something that interests you on an intrinsic level and see where it leads.  Listen to your gut feelings again.  In my case, I ignored my gut feelings for a long time in order to survive in a BPD relationship, but it's an unhealthy practice and I'm happy to be back doing more thinking "from the neck down"!  Glad both you and lounap23 agree that you are on the right path.

Hang in there, LuckyJim