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Author Topic: I'm ruminating today - could use some words of advice, thoughts and such.  (Read 317 times)
SurvivedLove
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« on: June 07, 2013, 06:33:57 PM »

I joined the site back in January. I wrote a very long introductory post, writing about the relationship with my ex from start to finish (at the time).

I've not posted a lot, this will be my 30th post all together.

There are just some things I need to get off my chest and address today, because I've been having a few really difficult days and I don't know where else to turn to.

First off, I never really had anyone tell me what they thought of the ordeal I have been through. I know new member posts probably aren't read often other than by the Ambassadors, so I do understand why. And since I haven't posted a lot and further detailed specifics, I haven't really gotten to share and 'offload' the pains and the sorrow. So, I know it is long, but I'd like to ask you who read this post to read my introdutory post (even if it's miiiiles long!) and tell me what you think - am I right to think that he's more than likely BPD?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192158.0

I have talked to a shrink 4 times. She thinks so. Sadly, due to being unemployed, I cannot afford sessions and I have to apply to have them paid through a social office. Having it approved is a process that has, so far, taken 5½ months. And while I wait for it to get approved, I am 'stuck' trying to comprehend all of this by myself.

After I went NC in December a lot has happened. The day after Newyears Evening, I was rushed to the ER with blood cloth starting to form in my heart. My blood pressure was skyhigh, 240 over 180 and the ER Doctor told me very quietly that a BP that high doesn't come from out of nowhere, that it had likely been building up over 6 months to a year - Yep, from the time the issues with my ex started to get really bad, basically. And that I was lucky to have come to the ER when I did, because a few hours more and they'd likely not have been able to save me.

After being released from the hospital, I went home to recoup.

On January 16th, I got up and toodled around for a bit before sitting down at my computer. I checked my FB and there was a message from my Auntie, to get in touch with my Mother ASAP! I hadn't been on speaking terms with my family for a bit over a year, but I grabbed my phone (reluctantly) to call my mom. And I saw several  missed calls and some texts from her. So I called her up, figuring that it was probably pretty important, while I got overwhelmed by fear that something had happened to her, my dad or my siblings. She answered and told me that my granny been found dead in her bed early that morning. And my world just kindda caved in on top of my head.

My Granny has been a very central figure in my life. She's had a big part in raising me, been there when my way-too-young-mother wasn't able to deal with me/didn't have time for me and Granny has always been my soft spot to fall. She was the only family I had been in touch with since early on in my relationship with my ex.

Not only had I lost her, but she died on the same date as my firstborn daughter died 20 years ago. So it was an all around heartbreaking morning and I went into some sort of shock state.

I went to her funeral a bit over a week later, again, on the same date my daughter had been buried 20 years ago. It was the first time I saw my family in about 1½ years and it was very hard. My brother, who was the cause of me not being on speaking terms with them, was actually the one who sat with me, held my hand, trying to comfort me out of my paralyzed state. And to me it all just felt surreal, I wanted to pinch myself and wake up from this continued nightmare of losses, grief and sadness.

A few weeks later, I was sitting with some friends on a voicechat. It wasn't until then that I opened up and got confirmed how my ex had been stalking me online, prodding my friends for info about me again, constantly attempting to turn the focus of a conversation to his "deep concern for me and if I was going to be OK".

I couldn't handle hearing it and I broke down in tears, feeling powerless to stop his antics. I had asked my friends to NOT tell him about the blood cloth or my granny's death, because I knew he'd use that as an excuse to check up on me personally instead of through friends and I knew I'd not be strong enough to tell him off at the time.

So we fast forward from mid February until now.

In this timeframe, I have avoided talking to anyone who knows him. At all. I've not unfriended our mutual friends on FB, I've not removed them from Skype either. But I've not talked to them, apart from one time a girl (L, who's someone I care a lot about) called me. She chatted and chippered away, but as soon as she mentioned that my ex kept an eye on my profile and had mentioned how I hadn't been online for a while, I excused myself and ended the conversation - I just DID NOT WANT to hear it. It's been causing me panic attack, anxiety attacks, loss of appetite and inability to sleep every time someone has been 'kind' enough to inform me of his keeping taps on me. I'd almost go as far as to say it's been making me more and more paranoid and less and less trusting of people in general. And I've felt like I am going crazy. Like I am the crazy, sick one .

The last one to tell me about him was actually my best friend through 15 years, Milla. A woman, who he's never shown the slightest bit of interest in getting to know. Not even while we were together. Not even after she picked him up at the airport and brought him to my place while I was waiting for a delivery at home.

A month ago he had started (in WoW) to emote at her, wave at her, run by and hug her and so on. She ignored him and didn't respond in any way. The ex has done the same with Milla's cousin, who also knows that I don't wanna deal with or hear about him, I want strict NC, so the cousin has also just ignored him, but HAS told Milla about it.

I know Milla loves me and is only trying to protect me and she didn't tell me about this until a week ago. And only because I started opening up and talking about how I really feel now. I've not been able to for months, just been walking around in a haze of sorrow over all the things that kindda knocked me on my butt all at the same time.

So now I am ruminating.

Has someone told him about the issues I've had, health and losing Granny?

Is that why he's suddenly taking such an 'interest' in making himself known to Milla?

Is it because he somehow feels that he's still 'connected' to ME if he can get a response out of her (since I've not been around for 4 months myself)?

Does he do it in an attempt to reconnect or just as a last resort 'keeping taps'?

I've been boggling with these questions and more for a week now.

One thing I am getting more and more certain of: It's not gonna be long before he attempts to reconnect.

The reason I am certain is actually something my mother this past Monday on the phone. She told me she had removed M's (my ex) mother from her FB friends list and had seen that his mother had just updated her cover photo to a photo of him and his mother. I was baffled, since I at her birthday last year had tried to send her a message (HAD removed her from FB, but still wanted to send her a message cause I do love his parents to bits and THEY wanted to stay in touch) and I hadn't been able to SEE her FB, as in it no longer existed when I tried to look her up!

I know that she's very computer-newbie and un-savvy, so it's always been M who's done her picture updates and such for her. So I figured, that since she always said she only got on FB to get to know me when M and I got together, she had probably deleted it since the relationship was now over. And hearing my mom say that nopes, M's mom's FB had been alive and well all this time... . yeah, I had a weak moment and decided to check again. And BOOM, there is was, I could look her up and SEE it.

Again, knowing that M is the one sorting her FB pictures, settings etc., it did hit me like a brick wall. Initially, he must have blocked me, since I couldn't see it. And a few weeks after prodding MY BEST FRIEND, who he's never been interested in getting to know before, he unblocks me from his mom's FB?

It smells like him opening doors, hoping that I'll reconnect with his mom (and by that, proxy reconnect with him) or using her FB to spy on me once again.

THAT is why I am certain. And it scares me.

I'm feeling weak right now. I'm finally getting through the shock of nearly losing my life, losing my Granny and I'm starting to prepare for starting up therapy again.

I can NOT deal with him trying to butt into my life at this point.

I've had a 3 weak days where I've just been curled up on my couch, crying, wishing I could turn back time and never get involved with him OR him going into therapy, getting better and then coming to find me. I am a mess right now.

After the past 3 days, I've snapped out of the "Turn back the clock/Make him healthy so we can work things out" hole I fell in. But I am still scared.

I'm scared that he'll reconnect BECAUSE I am feeling so weak right now, knowing that therapy will start up soon, not being sure I can handle any contact from him.

I could use some words of advice. And someone to tell me, if all I have written in my introductory post and in this post in fact DOES sound like an ex with BPD - or if I am the crazy one... .

Someone lend me a hand here?
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Clearmind
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« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2013, 07:12:21 PM »

Have you considered seeing a GP to help deal with your anxiety etc. Its not uncommon to develop PTSD.

We cannot diagnose SL - you can however take particular note of the behaviours and if you feel like you walked on eggshells then you could be right.

What is important is to also take some time out during the day from thinking about it and continue on with your interests and life. You will in time replace these memories of him with new ones. We become hyper-foccused on them and don't look after ourselves.

Cry, beat the pillow - do what you feel you need to do - there is no right or wrong way to process grief.
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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2013, 08:26:55 PM »

Hi SL, I am sorry to hear about your health scare and the loss of your grandmother. My granny was the most influential person in my young life and the only one I knew I could trust, so I know how hard it is to lose such a loved person. Having dealt with those two crises in addition to the loss of your ex in just a few months must have taken a huge emotional toll, it is no wonder that you feel in a emotionally vulnerable and anxious state. I wish I had the answers you are looking for, but those answers are yours to find. The answers are so elusive when your mind is consumed with anxiety. I got to the point where I didn't even care if I had the answers, I was hoping someone could at least give me the right questions to ask.

Keep the doors shut until you get healthy, relationship decisions are best made when you aren't feeling vulnerable and lonely.
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SurvivedLove
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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2013, 08:34:03 PM »

Have you considered seeing a GP to help deal with your anxiety etc. Its not uncommon to develop PTSD.

We cannot diagnose SL - you can however take particular note of the behaviours and if you feel like you walked on eggshells then you could be right.

What is important is to also take some time out during the day from thinking about it and continue on with your interests and life. You will in time replace these memories of him with new ones. We become hyper-foccused on them and don't look after ourselves.

Cry, beat the pillow - do what you feel you need to do - there is no right or wrong way to process grief.

A GP? I'm sorry, I am not sure I know what that is.

I know you can't diagnose, most of us here aren't profesionally equipped to do so.

I have however seen many posts saying "Yeah, you ex sounds like a textbook example of BPD/NPD". And though the therapist I've had a few sessions with made it perfectly clear that my ex is BPD from what she can tell (her professional oppinion), I have a need to hear it from someone who's been though some of the same experiences as I have, someone who's lived with these things, been through them themselves. Because I haven't told her everything that I have written down here and in my introductory post. I've given her the rough outlines, showed her some of the things he's written, but we never really got very far into talking specifics during the 4 sessions I had with her.

Did I walk on eggshells? ALL the time. I think it started dawning on me when I was diagnosed with severe stress at the end of 2011. My doctor asked me what had stressed me to such and extend and when I started to put it into words, it dawned on me how messed up it all sounded and felt.

And the past 5 months I've not really had time or energy to think about him, about the relationship or to grieve, growl or cry about it all. Dealing with my Granny's death, which (because of the dates involved) ripped open some wounds from my daughters death 20 years ago has been taking up my energy and time. Trying to get my house sorted, taking care of my cats and attempting to not cry and miss Granny and my baby has been what my days have been filled with. Now I am doing a lot better with that, but sadly, that fact seems to have left 'room' enough for all the stuff with the ex come tumbling the door again.

Granted, him picking up his antics again after the past 3 months isn't helping. And I didn't help myself with the sudden attack of curiousity that made me check IF I could see his mother's FB page. But I don't think those two things are the key reason why this is all floating to the surface again.

I think it's coming back to haunt me now BECAUSE I didn't catch a break between going NC on him, having a heart attack, losing my Granny... . I just didn't catch a break. And I could only deal with one of those things at a time, so my physical health and grieving over Granny took precedence. And now that I am through THAT part of the stuff I've had to grieve/work my way through, the big, stinking pile of ex-leftovers is sitting here waiting for me.

And I am not sure how to deal with it until I can start therapy.

Heck, I am not even sure if this was all in my head, if he really IS sick or if I was wrong about all the things that made me feel like something was 'off' with him.

So I'm looking to this place and the people here for support. For confirmation. For comfort.

I've gotten back into most of my pre-ex routines. I take walks every day, I clean my house, I tend to and cuddle with my cats, I write and I read. I no longer play WoW (because he's there) and I don't really talk to my old friends (because he's prodding them). Anything that's not related to him in any way I have tried to pick up on doing again though.

I'm not sure what I am asking, apart from what I've already said. It would be nice if someone read my introduction post and said to me "Yeah. Sure sounds like he IS in fact BPD, no, you're NOT the crazy one! I've been through the same things and I've been in your shoes, it DOES get better".

It would be nice to be told that all the stuff I have described is in fact very sick and that I am not wrong for feeling how I feel about it all, not crazy for having a 'late reaction' to it all due to the other lifechanging events that have taken place in the past 6 months.

I'm feeling a bit lost here .
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SurvivedLove
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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2013, 08:51:35 PM »

Hi SL, I am sorry to hear about your health scare and the loss of your grandmother. My granny was the most influential person in my young life and the only one I knew I could trust, so I know how hard it is to lose such a loved person. Having dealt with those two crises in addition to the loss of your ex in just a few months must have taken a huge emotional toll, it is no wonder that you feel in a emotionally vulnerable and anxious state. I wish I had the answers you are looking for, but those answers are yours to find. The answers are so elusive when your mind is consumed with anxiety. I got to the point where I didn't even care if I had the answers, I was hoping someone could at least give me the right questions to ask.

Keep the doors shut until you get healthy, relationship decisions are best made when you aren't feeling vulnerable and lonely.

Hi Cumulus.

You are right. Dealing with the two crises on top of having finally cut off my ex and not even gotten a chance to breathe after cutting him off has been more difficult than I can describe. So I had a few weak days. I'm not blaming myself and I am not angry at myself for having had them. Afterall it was the first time in 6 months and it was a moment of weakness. It has passed and since it's the ONLY time since I said goodbye to him that I've felt the "I wish I had never met him/that he was healthy so we could be together", I see it for what it is: A splitsecond feeling that has no hold in how I really feel about him and what I really want, a simple moment of weakness.

And it is gone now, so I am OK with it having come, been here and passed again.

What I am not OK with it knowing that the contact attempt from him lurks right around the corner. I'm not OK. I am not strong enough to deal with it right now, I've just barely gotten through losing my Granny and almost losing my life.

And one thing that I didn't mention earlier in the first post (my head is tired, it's late at night here) is that I've also found the reason why I got pregnant with my ex back then.

On top of Granny and heart attack, I've just two weeks ago had my left ovary and fallopian tube removed. Apparently they have been messed up for many years, which is what has given me chronic pains. It's not something that shows on an ultrasound, so they didn't know until they put me into emergency surgery at 3AM two weeks ago.

They found my ovary had 'flipped itself around on it's axis' and my fallopian tube was 3 times the size it's supposed to be - no WONDER than the clamps they had put on my tubes 14 years ago didn't work! The doctor who did the surgery told me that it's a miracle that I've only gotten pregnant twice, considering that I in reality only had ONE tube clamped off.

Knowing this now, I'm not sure I can stand strong when he contacts me.

Because in a way, that makes all his hatred, all the blame and all the things he said about it being MY fault that I got pregnant 'true'. MY body did it to us. Not just to me, but to him also. MY body. And because he knows how to get to me, I'm not sure that I don't accidentally tell him when he pressures me. But I am sure what will happen if he ever finds out. More blame, more hatred, more rage and more guilty feeling for me.

And I've learned enough from reading these forums to know, that they WILL use your guilty feelings to get what THEY want - be it him wanting to get me back under his 'control' or not.

I don't know how to protect myself from those antics and that pressure right now.

I feel like I have no strength left to fight with, I'm just drained.
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mrclear
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« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2013, 12:50:00 AM »

Dear SurvivedLove,

I have read your story and was shocked and saddened by everything you have been through. From your accounts, I can definitely see Borderline-traits in your ex, but also some other issues he seems to be battling. He lives in the cyber-world, but can't deal with the reality of real life. That's a clear indication. Flipping from self-destruction to painting you black and blaming you for everything is another one. As most of us here, you have done everything you could and put up with the impossible, but it was/will be never enough. You can't heal them or change them and sadly, love will not prevail... . It was/is not your fault. You are dealing with an emotional child that will never understand the maturity of relationships. You can not rationalize or explain logic to Borderliners. It just won't work!

Your body is reacting to trauma. That's natural. It doesn't matter whether the trauma is emotional, it still affects you physically. What you are going through is normal. Alot of feelings and emotions are surfacing and making you feel ill. As crazy as this sounds, it's healthy. Let everything surface, because that way you will be able to process it, deal with it and heal. I can relate to your story, because my ex-wife was Danish and after 4 months of NC, I was in a similar condition. I had lost 14 kilos, was huddled in a corner of the couch, took walks, cleaned and ruminated. Believe me, it will get better!

So what happens now? It's going to be a long, hard road. There will be good days and bad days. The best thing you have going for you now, is distance. Since you live in 2 different countries, you don't have to see him or run into him. Stay of the net as much as you can and resist the urge to check or chat. You need to slowly let go. Every day is the chance to move in the right direction. Most importantly: Start thinking about yourself. If you want to find answers that's the place to look. The Borderliner does not hold the key to your happiness or unhappiness. You do. This sounds harsh, but you allowed this to happen and you need to start asking yourself why... . The passing of a dear family-member is heartbreaking. I am sorry for your loss and I know it doesn't make things easier, but it's time to take care of yourself now.

Take your time and don't pressure yourself. You're moving into the light and that takes courage and healing. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

mrclear

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SurvivedLove
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« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2013, 05:29:46 AM »

So what happens now? It's going to be a long, hard road. There will be good days and bad days. The best thing you have going for you now, is distance. Since you live in 2 different countries, you don't have to see him or run into him. Stay of the net as much as you can and resist the urge to check or chat. You need to slowly let go. Every day is the chance to move in the right direction. Most importantly: Start thinking about yourself. If you want to find answers that's the place to look. The Borderliner does not hold the key to your happiness or unhappiness. You do. This sounds harsh, but you allowed this to happen and you need to start asking yourself why... . The passing of a dear family-member is heartbreaking. I am sorry for your loss and I know it doesn't make things easier, but it's time to take care of yourself now.

Take your time and don't pressure yourself. You're moving into the light and that takes courage and healing. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

mrclear

Hi mrclear and thank you for your reply.

I had read and understood that living with or leaving a BPD could have dramatic physical effects on top on the psychological, such as severe weightloss, stress and depression. I had never in my life imagined that the stress from it could cause things like blood cloths and end up nearly costing me my life. I've learned my lesson.

I'm glad we live in two different countries. I'm glad that there's not much of a chance I'll bump into him while shopping or going to a café with my friends. In that regard, I am luckier than many here are.

I worry because he does know where I live, he's been here quite a few times and he'd be able to find his way here without a problem, should he decide to look me up face to face. My gut instinct along with the FB stuff and experience in what he's done before, tells me that it is a very likely and soon to happen thing.

In many ways I've taken major steps in my healing already. In some ways I haven't even begun.

Apart from a weak moment a few days ago, I do NOT want him back in my life, ever! Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as anything. My world is safer, calmer and makes sense without him and I am sticking to my guns on that. Hence why I have maintained a strict NC despite his prodding at my friends, pocket calls from his phone (yes, I've gotten those) and the other things he's been doing to 'make himself known' to me.

I've figured out what my core damage is, mostly because losing my Granny had a big impact on me and many things clicked into place in my head. I'm a Fixer/Rescuer and I don't attach to people easily because of my childhood. I have few close friends, but the ones I have, I would be able to entrust with my life. Me not getting attached to people easily stems from having a mother who was too young and immature to have me (she was 16) and not being around a lot (my Granny tried to pick up 'the slack', so I was left to myself a lot from a very early age. So yes, I see how my core damages plays into the dance with my ex, very clearly.

I am fully aware that he will never be able to make me happy or have a mature relationship. Mentally, he's stuck being 3 and living in a world that doesn't really exist and that is where he prefers to be, that is the only place he CAN exist.

Had I been aware of these core damages, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. He's the first really unhealthy relationship I have ever had. Most of my exes I am still on good terms with, we speak every now and then, and two of them I hang out with on a regular basis - we've maintained friendships after the relationships were over and I have gotten to know the partners they have had after me. But they were 'normal' guys, nons, so that is why they never brought out the damages in me like my ex has done.

I am at the point where I, in some ways, am grateful for the relationship. BECAUSE it has brought my core damages into the light, made me aware of them so I can deal with them now. It will be hard and it will take a lot of work, but now that I know it's there, I'm not gonna sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. I want to deal with it, so I can get my life and my SELF back, in a better, stronger and more aware version than pre-exBPD.

I don't hate him. I don't love him. I don't love HIM.

I do still love the image/mirror he held up in front of me and I'm not sure that will ever change. Even though that man was never real, he IS the one I fell in love with, the one I still love. But I know that he doesn't exist and that is breaking my heart. I guess I'm just not vain enough to be OK with, essentially, having fallen in love with all the best sides of myself >.<.

I don't want him back into my life. I want to get back on my feet after these past 2 stormfilled years and I will get there, with a little help from a therapist and this website.

I've been pretty good at thinking about and doing for myself the past 3 months. Losing Granny forced me to, so I wouldn't dive too far down to be able to come back up for air.

I eat healthy, I try keeping a normal sleeping pattern (early bed on weekdays, staying up late on weekends), I go for my daily walks (2 miles, once or twice a day) and I have bought an e-cigarette (the stress in December last year made me start to smoke again, urgh!), have not touched a regular cigarette since. I've signed up for "QUIT SMOKING" classes, starting mid next month.

I've been out to a café for lunch with friends twice in the past 3 months. I still have panic attacks when I go to the mall by myself, but having Milla or another friend along 'distracts' me so I don't bend to it. I'm slowly getting better. Slowly.

It's just the emotions that haven't caught up yet. Or, some of them haven't. I need to get my heart and my head to align a bit better and that is so very difficult for me to do without the therapy. I think it would be a lot easier, if it hadn't been for all the stuff that has piled up on TOP of walking away from my ex. But they did pile up and I feel over burdened.

All in all I'm doing better than I expected once the reality started to settle in, but of course not as well as I wish and THAT is frustrating me.

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SurvivedLove
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« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2013, 08:35:28 PM »

I'm still feeling out of it.

I'm not sure if reading here really helps me at this point. I feel that it may keep me stuck in remembering the relationship over and over again, when what I really wish for is to not think about it until I can discuss it with a therapist.

And I know I haven't written here often. But it feels like I'm not getting a lot of response when I do open up and let out what's been going through my head for a while.

I haven't said a lot, because I've been trying not to whine and get myself stuck in a "poor me" mentality. So the lack of response has made me feel a bit meh, because I wouldn't post the stuff I have posted if it wasn't because I was really desperate for some input or advice. And I feel like I have really done my best to ask for support by starting this thread.

Not sure what page it was on, because I had it bookmarked, but I did check up to page 4 before I gave up and found the bookmark.

Was hoping for someone to talk to, someone who'd understand these feelings that are so hard to wrap my head around right now.
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« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2013, 07:17:05 AM »

Dear SurvivedLove,

I am on Mallorca right now, looking out over the ocean and writing to you 

It's moments like these that always put things into perspective for me. From what you have written, you seem to be in a good place. You are taking it day by day and taking care of yourself. That is the most and best you can do right now. You're not whining, you're sharing and you need to do that to help you move on. We all understand what you are going through, because we have been there ourselves. So "whine" away! 

The image of the person we thought we were with is always the hardest to get over. We need to understand that they were a mirror/image of you and the person they pretended to be. It's part of the idealization-stage which is intended to hook you. It's an act which Borderliners cannot sustain for long, until they start to project and mirror their flawed, imperfect self onto you. Devaluation. You never really knew this person, because they would not allow you to, guided by their core-fear of being abandoned. Realize this and you have taken another step in the right direction.

I think it's great you are working on yourself and discovering and healing your own issues. Keep working on that, yourself and know that you deserve to be respected and loved.

atb, mrclear

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SurvivedLove
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« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2013, 11:45:14 AM »

Dear SurvivedLove,

I am on Mallorca right now, looking out over the ocean and writing to you 

It's moments like these that always put things into perspective for me. From what you have written, you seem to be in a good place. You are taking it day by day and taking care of yourself. That is the most and best you can do right now. You're not whining, you're sharing and you need to do that to help you move on. We all understand what you are going through, because we have been there ourselves. So "whine" away! 

The image of the person we thought we were with is always the hardest to get over. We need to understand that they were a mirror/image of you and the person they pretended to be. It's part of the idealization-stage which is intended to hook you. It's an act which Borderliners cannot sustain for long, until they start to project and mirror their flawed, imperfect self onto you. Devaluation. You never really knew this person, because they would not allow you to, guided by their core-fear of being abandoned. Realize this and you have taken another step in the right direction.

I think it's great you are working on yourself and discovering and healing your own issues. Keep working on that, yourself and know that you deserve to be respected and loved.

atb, mrclear

Hi mrclear.

I hope you're having a great vacation, Mallorca is a lovely place (I've been there twice myself).

I'm trying. To do good things for myself, to let myself feel the emotions when they show up and then let them go. So far I'm pretty good with that part.

The part I am really lacking in is the sharing part. I was never really good at that. Never good at showing my weaknesses, because there was always someone else who needed help and I put my own needs for comfort aside to help others. My eternal Rescuer/Fixer problem, which I have now, thanks to my ex, become aware of!

So it is really difficult for me to write here and share all of these crazy things, all the pain and frustration, both from the relationship, but also about my own personal situation right now.

I've always written a lot, diaries and such, so writing isn't the alien aspect. It's the "Hmm, it sounds like I'm whiney" thoughts that start when I begin to describe situations and things that gets to me  .

I already know that the man I fell in love with was him mirroring and magnifying my good sides. I am ashamed and a bit wierded out by the essence of that knowledge: In reality, I fell in love with myself. Urgh!

Not that there's anything "wrong" with me per se. More that I might see it as a bit narcisssistic to, literally, be in love with one self. I hope this comes out right, because I can't figure out how else to explain it?

I had a meeting with a social worker today about the psychological aspects and what treatments/therapy I can get into. It was a fairly productive meeting, but I am drained just from discussing a few minor incidents regarding the ex with her. And then I get "ARGH! Dumb-butt!" at myself, for LETTING his past BS affect me, way after I walked away from him and his disordered self.

I'm not sure how to get past those feelings. I know I'll have to forgive myself for being human at some point, I just wish I had an idea how.

A good thing I have started doing, after advice from a psychologist, is to write about it all. ALL the details, not just the 'broad picture' as I have in my intro post here. And post it on my blog.

I started doing that last night and more and more details stood out, so I wrote them down. And more and more lightbulbs went off in my head, I probably had about 15 AHA!-moments while writing. Red flags showing up all over the place suddenly, flags that I hadn't really seen until now. Though I've seen many of the read flags after arriving at these forums, I still found a few that I had never before considered, but I do now thanks to the knowledge I have gained here.

I'm far from done with the writing on the blog. It'll be a bit of an ongoing project, something I can later look back on and see my own healing journey in. But opposite of what I have always done with my blogposts, I don't link these on my FB. I didn't make a secret 'undercover' blog to write about this from, that was advised against.

"You might lose friends, you might gain stronger friendships, but you cannot do this from a hidden place, because that will not help your journey back to yourself - you have to be open and honest about what you have been through and how it affects you. If you are, I think you'll find support and help in the most unexpected places - and that won't happen if you post secretly under another name!"

I see the sense in those words. And yes, I am a bit afraid of how people who read it will respond or think of it. Who will walk away from me, who will show compassion and understanding? But I'm most afraid of being accused of starting drama, when that isn't my intention at all.

My intention is documenting my journey and recovery. It'll also help me to not have to explain it all over and over again to twenty different people, they can just read the blog.

I don't really care if word about it gets to my ex. I don't really care if he reads it or how it might affect him if he does. He's already done so much to undermine my credibility and ruin my sanity, I doubt my blog would give him any ammunition that he hasn't already made up himself.

So it's tough to write, but I am gonna see it through.
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