Huge Relapse

[leftbehind]

I'm reaching out because I'm having a huge relapse.  I'm back to completely blaming myself for the breakup with my uBPDexbf.  I just checked his facebook after staying away from it for 12 days.  If I go to therapy this week I have no money for food or gas after paying my mortgage.  Meanwhile, he is being promoted at 2 places of work I left because of him. (I got him into both places a few months before he broke up with me, and he's insinuated himself in so deep with his charm that I decided to be the one to leave them behind).  Now I see he's bringing other people into the places that I had to leave.

I feel devastated.  I can't stand this pain.  I am back to wanting to call him, email, or show up where he is.  All things I've avoided doing for the last 2 and a half months.  There was one confrontation by me after he unfriended me on facebook a week after he broke up with me by email.  He wouldn't talk to me, and threatened to call the police.  I was very calm and collected when I confronted him, he just didn't want to talk to me.  

Now I see him making friends with my clients, schmoozing my former business connections, and it's driving me crazy.  Why do I have to be the one that suffers?  Everyone loves this guy.  

The messed up thing is that I feel we were so good together.  He just decided all of a sudden that I wasn't the one, after I taught him everything he wanted to learn about business promotion from me, after I helped him get into two of MY places of employment, after telling me for months that I was the girl for him and that we were soulmates, etc.

I can't take it.  I feel like I'm going off the deep end.  To top it off, I've been suffering with an injury for the past two months and haven't been able to exersize, so I'm really feeling pretty pathetic.  (It's slowly getting better, so I'm grateful for that).  

I'm trying to maintain NC even though he emailed me about 13 days ago.  I never responded because the email didn't ask how I was, just said "I hope you have lots of kick ass things happening in your life!"  I truly didn't know what to make of it, it sounded crazy.  This is someone that called me his precious baby girl for months, and said that I was God's gift to him.

Please if anyone has any words of advice for me I'd appreciate them.  I don't know whether to cancel therapy tomorrow or not.  I'm completely self employed and every month it is a huge struggle to come up with the mortgage and money for all the bills.  But I feel the therapy is saving my life.

help!

[crystalclear]

 leftbehind,

I am sorry to hear your troubles... . sending out loads of  you!

I know how terrible it feels when they just seem to be having a great life after everything they did to us... . all the horrible things... . all the idealization and then the devaluation followed by discarding us.

Many of us (icluding me) are going through similar pain. I am not sure if there is any advice i could give but will only say that ':)ont loose yourself anymore'. Ignore this person's actions, everything to do with him... . throw him into the dumpster... . let him not control you anymore.

You are a bigger and better soul... . distract your thoughts... . call you dear ones friens/family... . plan on what you could do next to make your life stable... . i know its hard... . but its not impossible... . if he could, so can you... .

Don't waste your present for your past... . You can change your present to have a better future... . by contacting him, you will invite more pain and slow your healing process... .

I am here for you... .  you can do it! Live Strong... . you are much stronger than this... . pull yourself, hold yourself together my friend!

CC

[bpdspell]

You made a mistake by looking at Facebook so forgive yourself and try not to do it again. It'll only set you back and send your mind into a downward spiral of a negative narrative that's probably so far away from reality.

As for therapy no one on here can advise you on your choice to choose between talk therapy and food which is a survival basic need so you have to make the choice.

Vent on here, journal and get your feelings out about the entire situation. I know you are in a state of shock and disbelief about who this man has revealed himself to be but do your best to not get stuck on his words because they have never lined up with his actions. And no. Everyone does not love him! They haven't experienced the REAL him and they are being duped by his representative, his fake persona, his fake brand of happy, and his all around expertise in phoniness. Only the people that get close realize what mentally ill frauds they are. But the truth always rises to the top.

You've got to find a way to be proactive in your healing by getting busy... . running, walking, eating properly... . journaling... . spending time with trusted friends or family... . anything that will help improve your mood... .

Everyone's different but worked best for me was understanding all I could about BPD and simply letting the tears of hurt and disappointment fall. I walked through the pain and it really kept me from losing my mind.

Well all on here have had relapses. We're human and we've had something very hurtful happen to us. In the midst of doing our best to understand we all have had many setbacks. It's nothing to continually punish yourself over.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi leftbehind, sorry you're feeling the way you are, been there, and sometimes it was just one little thing on these boards that turned it around for me, at least for the day, and sometimes that's enough, so I'll offer my two cents.

Some high functioning borderlines are very charismatic and attractive, because they have to be.  Remember BPD is an attachment disorder, and BPD's absolutely MUST attach to other people to feel whole; they can literally cease to exist in their own heads if they don't, so they get extremely good at it, it's a matter of life or death.  So sounds like your ex has barged into your world and spewed his charisma all over everyone, and they're buying it, but remember it's all an act, a facade, and you know the real truth about who he is.  If anyone gets as close as you did they will see the dark side too, the side I choose to believe is who they really are, due to a hellish life between their ears.  Of course we could have avoided it all by setting better boundaries, but we didn't, and you don't need to hear that right now, what you need to hear is find a way to not visit his page on Facebook, even if it involves throwing your computer out the window; these folks get their hooks in deep, and you need to use your head and not your heart right now, or you might do the wrong thing.

Over the weekend someone posted that when a BPD fantasizes about an ideal love and living happily ever after, he's sure there's circus music playing in the background; these are disordered and unstable people.  Hilarious, and it helped.

Obviously we were complicit in the relationship and owned our half of that loaded bond, but I find it's better to beat up on the disorder and make it all them initially, to fight our own emotions, and when we get some time and our feet on the ground, we can start looking at our part.  Stay away and stay strong.

[schwing]

Hi Leftbehind,

I'm reaching out because I'm having a huge relapse.  I'm back to completely blaming myself for the breakup with my uBPDexbf.  

Don't consider it a relapse. This is part of the process.  What you are dealing with is too big take in as a single lump, so your mind (and body) is breaking it up into smaller parts, or waves.

If I go to therapy this week I have no money for food or gas after paying my mortgage.  

... . I don't know whether to cancel therapy tomorrow or not.  I'm completely self employed and every month it is a huge struggle to come up with the mortgage and money for all the bills.  But I feel the therapy is saving my life.

Therapy is a great part of taking care of yourself.  But it is not the only way to take care of yourself.  You need to eat.  And you need to be able to get around so that you don't miss other opportunities.  Go into therapy when you can, but only when you can.

Now I see him making friends with my clients, schmoozing my former business connections, and it's driving me crazy.  Why do I have to be the one that suffers?  Everyone loves this guy.  

He's good at the seduction part of relationships.  He's miserable at the other parts of relationships, including the ending.  From your perspective, he's doing well.  From my perspective, he's learned nothing.  And he will continue to learn nothing.  He'll never get the kind of relationship he wants because he's broken, and he's in denial of his broken nature.

You're not in denial of how you are hurting.  That's the difference between you and him.  The hurt you are feeling is the aftermath of the relationship you just got out of.  The hurt he is dealing with is from way before that, and it got in the way of your relationship and it'll get in the way of all the relationships for the rest of his life, unless/until he faces it.

The messed up thing is that I feel we were so good together.  He just decided all of a sudden that I wasn't the one, after I taught him everything he wanted to learn about business promotion from me, after I helped him get into two of MY places of employment, after telling me for months that I was the girl for him and that we were soulmates, etc.

From your perspective things were good on your side.  Because you were not damaged prior to entering this attachment. He decided all of a sudden that it wasn't good on his side, because it wasn't good on his side -- and that has everything to do with how he is broken.

He used you professionally.  And in a way he's just surviving because the way he is broken, gives him advantages in his business life.  He can seduce who he needs to seduce.  But he can't have the kind of family life he probably really wants.  Because he is broken.  

Best wishes, Schwing

[seeking balance]

Leftbehind,

Be kind to yourself right now, like Schwing says this is part of the process, not a huge setback.

Reality is - we stop looking when we finally accept the pain of looking, talking to or generally thinking that any contact with our exes will make the pain of the grief go away.

When we are happy, we do not think to contact our exes... . it is when we feel sad, lonely, lost, scared, etc.  During our BPD relationship, our exes were the person who did help soothe those feelings - so when they get really intense, our brains somehow think this may still be a safe place - but it is not.  Next time you will remember looking causes even more pain, thus you won't do it.

Your life feels overwhelming, but you will be ok. The facts are - life goes on and it looks different, but we do move forward.

Having financial struggles is very scary and does make things seem larger than they are.  I know this first-hand, so I am not saying it lightly.  Breathe - remember you really are ok, try to stay in the moment emotionally versus projecting what might happen in the future... . use your wise mind as much as you can to make your decisions regarding therapy.  If you truly feel therapy is saving your life, it seems like this is where you need to be and perhaps one of your other bills may need to be paid partially.  However, only you know your financial situation - what I do believe is that if you are self employed, you likely have the skill set to make the bills work and take care of yourself - you seem to have done this in the past successfully, right?

Take good care of you and be kind to yourself during this difficult time.

Peace,

SB

[leftbehind]

Thank you so much to everyone that responded.  I really appreciate it, especially since the majority of my friends are sick of hearing this and can't really fully understand why I'm taking it so hard.

I did call my therapist to ask if she would let me owe her for the session.  Her response was, "Come in!  You don't even have to ask!"  Her kindness warmed my heart. 

I also talked with a friend of mine who reminded me that I need to be a warrior, and that I should take all that energy spent obsessing over him and put it back into my business.  So I created an email to send out that hopefully will generate some work in the next few days.  I also got a call for two work appointments next week.  I am trying to pull it together so that my future will be brighter.

Another thing that is helping me get through this is the attitude that came to me today, "Let him sweat me.  I'm done sweating him!"  Yes, it is more of an "acting as if" attitude.  In reality he may not ever sweat me.  But then again, he may in years to come.  Either way I need to be done sweating him, he doesn't deserve it, and I'm convinced that it empowers him in some weird way, even with NC.  I believe energy can be felt, and I've been inadvertently sending him a shi*load of energy by obsessing over him.

when a BPD fantasizes about an ideal love and living happily ever after, he's sure there's circus music playing in the background; these are disordered and unstable people.  Hilarious, and it helped.

This made me  for real, fromheeltoheal!

if you are self employed, you likely have the skill set to make the bills work and take care of yourself - you seem to have done this in the past successfully, right?

Thank you for the vote of confidence, seekingbalance.  It got my ass in gear.

He's good at the seduction part of relationships.  He's miserable at the other parts of relationships, including the ending.  From your perspective, he's doing well.  From my perspective, he's learned nothing.  And he will continue to learn nothing.  He'll never get the kind of relationship he wants because he's broken, and he's in denial of his broken nature.

/quote]

This is true, Schwing.  I know this not only from my own experience, but from the two relationships he had before me.  He spoke about both of them as if they were crazy.  Now I know it's him that's mentally unbalanced.

Everyone does not love him! They haven't experienced the REAL him and they are being duped by his representative, his fake persona, his fake brand of happy, and his all around expertise in phoniness. Only the people that get close realize what mentally ill frauds they are. But the truth always rises to the top.

I heard this week that this is already starting to happen, BPDspell.  At one of the aforementioned jobs someone complained about the quality of his work and his inappropriate behavior. The person who complained about my ex is also still my client, so when she came to see me she told me how violated she felt by my ex.  I know it's only one person, but I felt vindicated all the same.

':)ont loose yourself anymore'. Ignore this person's actions, everything to do with him... . throw him into the dumpster... . let him not control you anymore.

Thank you, crystalclear.  This is what I know I need to do. 

Thank you all for being in my corner  

[eniale]

Very sorry you are in such pain.  I would discipline myself not to look at Facebook.  Distance yourself.  Why would you want to cause yourself more pain?  Sounds like he used you.  Very, very hurtful.  People such as this are bottomless pits and will use any and all means to get what they want.  He is dangerous to your mental/emotional health.  Avoid him like the plague.  He called you his precious baby, etc.?  Instead of feeling pain about this, read about "Clinging to the words you loved to hear."  This helped me a lot.  Words from pwBPD mean nothing, nothing, nothing.  They are impulsive.  Their words are meaningless.  My ex no doubt is saying the words I loved to hear from him to his new woman (I should say "victim".  If you think of it this way, it will hurt you less.  This is sick behavior.  He does not think as you do.  Definitely do not respond to his email; do not let him use you like his puppet.  If money is a problem, could you consider taking in a house sharer?  It might be worth a try; but don't accept someone you do not know.  Set boundaries/privacy.  Have just a verbal agreement so you can ask them to leave at any time.  Do not let them receive mail at your home; they need to get a p.o. box.  Perhaps that will relieve financial strain.  Use this forum until you can afford therapy.  Give yourself a hug.  Best of luck.

[leftbehind]

Thank you, Eniale.  It's still so hard to believe that he used me, even though that's exactly what my T said.  Plus a lot of the members here said the same.  It's hard to believe someone would be that calculated.  Still I can't deny the facts of what happened.

I can't take in a border, as my home is a one bedroom.  But I am going to really try and take my business to the next level.  They say living well is the best revenge. 

[MarcinN7]

leftbehind

Don`t beat yourself up for checking his facebook, your a person and have feelings. Just don`t do i t again

I checked it DAILY, this was the first thing that i was doing after getting back from work for some time.

The thing with facebook is, most people are only showing their good sides, their achievements and how happy they are. This is why facebook can depress us further and make our heads think they are doing great and maybe we were the problem. Also this can create the illusion that they are doing great with their new victim.

I stopped checking it after a few more crazy conversations/recycle attempts. It was evident she was not doing fine, her life was not happy and she was just getting crazier. Then i blocked her from facebook so that i could not randomly bump into her picture/profile while browsing events or friends pages. And so she could not see what event i want to go to. Even when i stopped checking her profile i dreaded that she would popup on my news feed.