What is wrong with me?

[stop2think]

So, yes i have been posting frequently on this board (my savior) to find answers, seek haven and some free breathing space with the miserable/helpless life that has become since he left me.

In my previous post 'Easily happy and detached' i mentioned i received a work email from my exbf after months of NC and discontinued work communication and avoidance from both sides. We work in difference locations but for the same project.

Today on our team call, i learned that it was his last 'team call' as he will be leaving our Co. towards the end of this week. And our manager announced and congratulated him as he would be retuning to his home country to get 'hitched' this month end- my exbf sounded very normal or rather happy (like he did when we were happy in the r/s).

I felt like my heart stopped for those minutes, and all the memories just hit back at me... . our first date, our visits to eachother, our marriage plans (just 9 months ago), the feeling of just being with him - a kaleidoscope of memories. :'(

So this is it, i would no not get to hear from EVER again - after the NC (4 months now) but there would be NC through work emails as well. He will be COMPLETELY out of my life in all ways (professionally too). Will never get to hear his voice on the 'team calls' anymore.

He has so quickly moved on and completely detached. Now we will be just be a memory - or distorted past as he looks at it. He had my heart, and somehow still continues to affect me and is CLUELESS of my state since he left me 4 months ago.

I should be feeling relieved that i would no longer hear of him anymore - but i feel so empty, and wish i could rewind time to just be with him instead. How pathetic can i be? Like an emotional masochist. This guy did not respect me, understand my needs/dreams, abused me, and dumped me only when i changed myself so he could take me back, so things could be the way they were.

I had seen his worst, and his best side. But i ruminate mostly about the good things we had - and to add to this i compare every guy to him for both goods and bads. A terrible yardstick isn't it?

A month ago, I met another guy who 'seemed' good but turns out he basically wants a 'maid' in 'wife's' dress. And he expects me to turn into a veggie, learn to cook, do the sheets, yet continue working - be a perfect wife.  

I know that even if i could change the past, i would probably not be happy with him. I miss the guy i fell madly in love with. I miss what we had (good times).  :'( Makes me sick when i think how he changed, how he took off with another girl so quickly. He kills me that he is living his dreams and i have no clue what am i doing?

I wish i never met him. I would have achieved my only dream(to study abroad) - made myself proud.

[lounap23]

Stop2think

I know exactly how you feel. Sorry for what you are going through right now. My soon to be ex-wife left me in Dec. She completely detached in March when she started dating what was a good friend of mine ( apparently not). Now we will be divorced on Saturday.   Anyway I digress.  She seems so happy and perfect and I can't understand why she is happier now and seems to be living the life she wants.  Sound familiar.  Well the best advice I can give you is try and do what I do.  I always have to remind myself this is a cycle they go thru.  Happy now miserable later and we are miserable now but will be happy later and better off for it.

Yes it is hard finding someone now because of the "yardstick" we use but when you find that right person and you are in the right place you will be better off.  Hard to see the forest thru the trees now but it'll happen.  Surround yourself with family and friends that will help you thru this.  This board has helped me quite a bit. Even though I don't post a lot just reading other posts and the advice given it awesome.  I can't speak for eveyone here but I will say we are always here to listen and support.

[seeking balance]

I should be feeling relieved that i would no longer hear of him anymore - but i feel so empty, and wish i could rewind time to just be with him instead. How pathetic can i be? Like an emotional masochist. This guy did not respect me, understand my needs/dreams, abused me, and dumped me only when i changed myself so he could take me back, so things could be the way they were.

The dreaded "should" word.  YOU are feeling like any normal person who just found out someone they were recently engaged to is moving on.  You loved him and had some good times or you wouldn't have wanted to marry him.  It didn't work out, but that didn't mean your emotions were not real and they will take some time to get over no matter how horrible he was to you in the end.  Love bonds are strong and with time and self care, you will get over this and you will be ok.  Be kind to yourself right now, you had a bit of a shock to your system.

I know that even if i could change the past, i would probably not be happy with him. I miss the guy i fell madly in love with. I miss what we had (good times).  :'( Makes me sick when i think how he changed, how he took off with another girl so quickly. He kills me that he is living his dreams and i have no clue what am i doing?

I wish i never met him. I would have achieved my only dream(to study abroad) - made myself proud.

No, you likely wouldn't be happy with him - but the fact is, your future is yours to create.  Yes, the old dream didn't happen (I know how painful that is, seriously), but you do get to make a new dream.  Life looks different, but it is no less fulfilling once you let yourself grieve the past.

You are doing the best you can and that is ok - it will all come together sooner than you think.  Him out of your personal and professional life will allow you to really feel it all in a safe way... . this is freeing (even if it doesn't feel that way right now).

Take care of you - life has a funny way of working out - different, but no less rewarding.

Peace,

SB

[stop2think]

Thanks seeking balance & lounap23 for your kind & valuable advice!

Day at work start pretty well today, until the point when i learnt of this update about my exbf. It is baffling everything changed within a month for me. Just this January i visited him to celebrate his bday, and we had arguements almost every other day. He dint like anything i did - he spoke less and was angry all the time. He looked on the edge, and anything i said or did triggered his anger. But he still did couple of things that made me happy (bring ice cream for,watched movies with me at his place) but he stayed aloof.

I always occupied the guest room throughout. He refused to go out with me anywhere. There were no lunches, no dinners nothing. He would initiate a plan but never execute it. Towards the end of my trip he broke up with me - asked me to never visit him. He said he cannot give any more chances to this r/s. I cried and begged but it would only cause anger and he would me away from him... . even when i cried he never seemed to be hurt or moved... . no empathy... . He wasn't seeing anyother women. But i think he knew his parents would help him find a 'better' girl if he returned to his country... . Which they did... . He was the same guy who convinced me into marriage... . who said i was the best thing that happened to him... . who one time said he cares and loves more than his parents... .

[eniale]

Sorry you are so sad.  You say he was angry all the time and didn't treat you well.  I am sure you have researched BPD.  You loved him.  Perhaps this might help you:  I loved my pwBPD too.  I believed those wonderful things he told me when things were good.  I was completely devastated when he told me of his new relationship.  I never saw it coming.  Interestingly, it came exactly 1 month after we shared the most emotional intimacy we ever had had.  But now I know (through the help of a great therapist) that the man I loved was just my perception of who he was, not the real him.  This has helped me greatly.  The man I fell in love with was not even him; just who I thought he was, because since I mean what I say and say what I mean, I assumed the same was true for him.  It was not.  He was impulsive and unstable, his loving words meant nothing as his feelings changed constantly due to his illness.  The whole relationship was doomed from the beginning because he has a personality disorder.  Your ex will be the same with the woman he is marrying.  It may be a slightly different version of his relationship with you, but pwBPD follow a pattern.  They all have difficulty with personal relationships.  WHAT YOU ARE GRIEVING IS WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD, NOT WHAT YOU REALLY HAD.  I know this concept is hard to accept, but it is the truth, and it will bring you peace of mind.  It hurts to let the wound bleed, but if you do, it WILL heal.  But not if you keep picking the scab off.  It stops hurting so bad when you face the fact that he simply does not think/feel as you do, and never will, no matter who his partner is.  There is great peace in accepting this fact.