Disengaging seems to be working

[sjm7411]

I'm working hard at biting my tongue as soon as I see the start of a downward emotional spiral.  It's happened in emails and texts only so far, I haven't encountered a rage in person yet and I am bracing myself for the time when I need to "walk away", which is always in H's eyes "running away" and his abandonment fears kick in.  But for now, I am impressed at how well the disengaging seems to work via email/text.  As soon as an irrational email or text comes through from him, I simply delete it.  No trying to explain myself or defend myself or help him understand, now that I realize how futile those attempts are.   If he asks if I received the email, I say, "yes, I got it".  If he wants a response, I simply remind him of the boundary ("I don't want to discuss relationship problems through email/text", and further attempts are again deleted by me, and the spiral stops.  It helps me feel more sane, less afraid, and hopeful that I can beat this monster that is killing our marriage by just ignoring the dang thing when it rears its ugly head.  Thank goodness for finding the Eggshells book and this message board with so much great and sound advice.  I am also discovering a lot about myself in the process and it's been an eye-opener, and something I needed to know.  I am scared because things are relatively calm up to this point, and I know my limits will be pushed and tested soon enough.  But it's nice to feel empowered in some small way and I do believe this is the best method I've tried yet.  Nothing else has worked. 

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[allibaba]

I'm working hard at biting my tongue as soon as I see the start of a downward emotional spiral.  It's happened in emails and texts only so far, I haven't encountered a rage in person yet

            Yay for small victories.  You should be proud of yourself... . its really hard at first!

and I am bracing myself for the time when I need to "walk away", which is always in H's eyes "running away" and his abandonment fears kick in.

This is where I found it was really really helpful in my relationship to let my husband know that I was exiting the conversation because of X and then make sure that he knew I wasn't running away.  For example, "I am done with this conversation because you started calling me names.  I'll be outside gardening if you want to join me."  Or "I need to leave the room before I say something that I regret, but I'm going to watch a movie later... . I'll let you know before I start it.

But for now, I am impressed at how well the disengaging seems to work via email/text.  As soon as an irrational email or text comes through from him, I simply delete it.  No trying to explain myself or defend myself or help him understand, now that I realize how futile those attempts are.   If he asks if I received the email, I say, "yes, I got it".  If he wants a response, I simply remind him of the boundary ("I don't want to discuss relationship problems through email/text", and further attempts are again deleted by me, and the spiral stops. 

I am soo excited for you! 

It helps me feel more sane, less afraid, and hopeful that I can beat this monster that is killing our marriage by just ignoring the dang thing when it rears its ugly head. 

 

I too believe that with these tools, we can beat this ugly monster.  For us, just ignoring my husbands rages wasn't going to work in the long term... . it was only the first step for me.  In addition to learning boundaries... . now I am also starting to work on validation so that I can truly understand where he is coming from... . and try to develop our relationship better!  Try the links on validation. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

I noticed that the verbal abuse stopped almost immediately but then he still had the hole of not feeling understood by me. I have seen others post on this site that boundaries worked quickly to stop the rages but then their spouses would calmly and coolly lay into them.  It started happening in my house and I knew it was time for validation work.

Thank goodness for finding the Eggshells book and this message board with so much great and sound advice.  I am also discovering a lot about myself in the process and it's been an eye-opener, and something I needed to know.  I am scared because things are relatively calm up to this point, and I know my limits will be pushed and tested soon enough.  But it's nice to feel empowered in some small way and I do believe this is the best method I've tried yet.  Nothing else has worked. 

It is empowering and you have no idea how happy I am to read this post... .  

I also had this feeling that I was going to be tested in the near future when I started with boundaries.  Its hard... . but I think the fear of enforcing them is actually harder than enforcing them.  I'm almost 2 months into it... . and there have been a few rages... . but I am better able to stay true to myself because I have detached with love.

I was messaging someone else who started enforcing boundaries and using the other tools with their wife a year and a half ago and today their marriage is the best its been in like 20 years. 

I don't think that we'll ever have a 100% 'normal' marriage... . but we will have a very, very good one... . just different.  Normal sounds boring to me anyway 

[allibaba]

Oh and I believe Grey Kitty also suggested that I work on not invalidating my husband (links to the right). 

I know that this is a start of a long journey but doesn't it feels amazing to see the tools start to work in your life!

[sjm7411]

Thanks for the tips and encouragement.  Well it didn't take long to have to put this into practice in person   

Just walked away from a "conversation" that started because I was checking my cell phone and I got the typical "What's going on, why are you on your phone?  Is everything ok?"  This happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I am on my phone (no exaggeration) and the paranoia has just gotten so old, so I said in an annoyed tone, "YES, everything is fine", put my phone down and passed by him, and he said "oh you're running away again... . you call me deranged because I ask a simple question... . you are going to wreck the whole week... . this is why we have problems".  So I said, "I am leaving this conversation now because you're accusing me of calling you deranged, which I never did".  Went downstairs and he yells, "You need to come upstairs when you're ready to talk maturely".  Isn't that ironic.  Now I'm not sure how to re-enter the conversation, I think I'll have to attempt the validating.  Not sure how to deal with the cell phone paranoia. 

[waverider]

 

Keep it it up and be consistent. It is a good way of at least minimizing all those little ripples. After a while it can become second nature and you wont feel like you are biting your tongue, you will do it earlier and more smoothly without even thinking.

I found this one of the most important things to master. It hasn't stopped BPD thinking, but I am not seen as "the enemy" much anymore, this has taken my partner off the high defensive alert stance, so that when there is a drama there is time to address it before it goes ballistic.

Goes a long to reducing build up resentment

[allibaba]

I got my first REAL opportunity to test my newly found backbone this morning 

I knew that the opportunity would come at some point in the future... . just wasn't sure when.

I'll do a separate post but just wanted to share the small bumps in my journey and the acknowledgement that once I started down this different path... .   I knew my will would be tested.  Honestly it wasn't that bad.   

[waverider]

Discovering your backbone can be addictive