Slipping back into old patterns

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't been to the site in a while.  Things with BPDm have been relatively quiet since a major blowup last summer in which my enDad decided to threaten her with a divorce and they were temporarily separated.  I'm an only child and so I've always been very central to my parents and their problems.  Since starting therapy 5 years ago, I've come a long way but I became very unhealthily involved in the drama of last summer which finally culminated in my mom agreeing to go to a voluntary inpatient psychiatric hospital for 20 days to work on some of her problems.  She's mostly WAIF in her behaviors so when she was backed into a corner of my dad's threats to leave, she agreed to go.  Long story short, she totally played the staff and doctors during her time there.  They basically sent her home with a diagnosis of a poor woman whose family just doesn't understand her.  Seriously.  They so much as told us this in a final diagnostic meeting - this wasn't her relaying the diagnosis to us.  We sent her to a place in Baltimore called Shepard Pratt for $50,000 and that was the outcome.  I wanted to die.  OF COURSE she is going to try to convince everyone that her family is the problem, not her.  She has major BPD!  She's high functioning for the most part and in that environment she knew how to sell her version of things.  She's been in therapy for years and that's always how she spins it.  I was just shocked that at that type of long-term program they wouldn't see through her BS.  In any case, after the final meeting I told her I couldn't take any of this anymore.  That her going there and not getting anything out of it was the final straw.  I didn't talk to her for about 2 months.  During that time, my dad reconciled with her because he felt she had done her part in at least going to the treatment place and thought she was genuinely trying to change. 

By the time the holidays had rolled around I agreed to slowly start talking to and seeing her on my terms.  For a while, the "medium chill" approach seemed to be working.  For the first time, she actually seemed somewhat positive and pleasant to be around - not focusing on every little negative thing she possibly could in every situation.  Well, needless to say, lately old behaviors are creeping back in.  When I see or talk to her, I can feel her emotional neediness coming back more and more.  Worse, I feel myself falling back into old habits of letting her drop little passive-aggressive comments and not putting my foot down like I did last fall when I told her enough is enough.  I still don't talk to her very often and I think I'm mentally in the right frame of mind about it when I'm not around her but it's just creeping back in and I need to put a stop to it.

Another complicating factor is that he has Parkinson's Disease and her constant negativity, complaining, nagging and neediness has taken a major toll on him physically and mentally.  I've come to accept that I can't do anything for my dad that he won't do for himself.  He's basically an emotionally battered husband who keeps going back.  It is very difficult to watch his health decline and her nastiness that just takes every ounce of energy out of him - then she turns it into a "poor me" plea for everyone's sympathy because she has a husband with Parkinson's.  Every chance she gets she demands credit from the world about how well she takes care of him, reminds him to take his pills, etc. and is pretty much livid when people don't give her constant credit for that.  Because, you know, helping your spouse out when he's getting old and sick is something that you deserve a medal for, not just something that you do because you love them.  You NEED acknowledgment for it    It just makes me want to punch her and it's so irritating, that I shut off and don't give her any ounce of sympathy that someone who wasn't trying to drag it out of me would normally get.  For instance, if someone else was telling me about how their husband was sick, my normal response would be to lend a sympathetic ear and even mention how hard that must be on them.  With my mom, I can't even give her any little bit of sympathy because all she ever does is try to extract it from anyone within earshot before they even get a chance.

I just needed to vent because they were visiting this past weekend and it was very triggering for me.  I sobbed to my husband after they left because I was just so emotionally drained from being both around UBPDm for obvious reasons but also around my enDad because I see him physically getting worse due to Parkinson's and back in the same old cycle of abuse with my mom.  I'm just so sick of dealing with it all and I desperately wish I could just have a normal relationship with my own parents!

[keldubs78]

I haven't been to the site in a while.  Things with BPDm have been relatively quiet since a major blowup last summer in which my enDad decided to threaten her with a divorce and they were temporarily separated.  I'm an only child and so I've always been very central to my parents and their problems.  Since starting therapy 5 years ago, I've come a long way but I became very unhealthily involved in the drama of last summer which finally culminated in my mom agreeing to go to a voluntary inpatient psychiatric hospital for 20 days to work on some of her problems.  She's mostly WAIF in her behaviors so when she was backed into a corner of my dad's threats to leave, she agreed to go.  Long story short, she totally played the staff and doctors during her time there.  They basically sent her home with a diagnosis of a poor woman whose family just doesn't understand her.  Seriously.  They so much as told us this in a final diagnostic meeting - this wasn't her relaying the diagnosis to us.  We sent her to a place in Baltimore called Shepard Pratt for $50,000 and that was the outcome.  I wanted to die.  OF COURSE she is going to try to convince everyone that her family is the problem, not her.  She has major BPD!  She's high functioning for the most part and in that environment she knew how to sell her version of things.  She's been in therapy for years and that's always how she spins it.  I was just shocked that at that type of long-term program they wouldn't see through her BS.  In any case, after the final meeting I told her I couldn't take any of this anymore.  That her going there and not getting anything out of it was the final straw.  I didn't talk to her for about 2 months.  During that time, my dad reconciled with her because he felt she had done her part in at least going to the treatment place and thought she was genuinely trying to change. 

By the time the holidays had rolled around I agreed to slowly start talking to and seeing her on my terms.  For a while, the "medium chill" approach seemed to be working.  For the first time, she actually seemed somewhat positive and pleasant to be around - not focusing on every little negative thing she possibly could in every situation.  Well, needless to say, lately old behaviors are creeping back in.  When I see or talk to her, I can feel her emotional neediness coming back more and more.  Worse, I feel myself falling back into old habits of letting her drop little passive-aggressive comments and not putting my foot down like I did last fall when I told her enough is enough.  I still don't talk to her very often and I think I'm mentally in the right frame of mind about it when I'm not around her but it's just creeping back in and I need to put a stop to it.

Another complicating factor is that he has Parkinson's Disease and her constant negativity, complaining, nagging and neediness has taken a major toll on him physically and mentally.  I've come to accept that I can't do anything for my dad that he won't do for himself.  He's basically an emotionally battered husband who keeps going back.  It is very difficult to watch his health decline and her nastiness that just takes every ounce of energy out of him - then she turns it into a "poor me" plea for everyone's sympathy because she has a husband with Parkinson's.  Every chance she gets she demands credit from the world about how well she takes care of him, reminds him to take his pills, etc. and is pretty much livid when people don't give her constant credit for that.  Because, you know, helping your spouse out when he's getting old and sick is something that you deserve a medal for, not just something that you do because you love them.  You NEED acknowledgment for it    It just makes me want to punch her and it's so irritating, that I shut off and don't give her any ounce of sympathy that someone who wasn't trying to drag it out of me would normally get.  For instance, if someone else was telling me about how their husband was sick, my normal response would be to lend a sympathetic ear and even mention how hard that must be on them.  With my mom, I can't even give her any little bit of sympathy because all she ever does is try to extract it from anyone within earshot before they even get a chance.

I just needed to vent because they were visiting this past weekend and it was very triggering for me.  I sobbed to my husband after they left because I was just so emotionally drained from being both around UBPDm for obvious reasons but also around my enDad because I see him physically getting worse due to Parkinson's and back in the same old cycle of abuse with my mom.  I'm just so sick of dealing with it all and I desperately wish I could just have a normal relationship with my own parents!

[Kwamina]

Hi keldubs78,

I can see how frustrating all of this must be. I hate it how they are able to wear a mask with others and make people believe that there actually is nothing wrong with them and that they are the victim. This frustrates me too, but I just try to focus on myself and the reality I know because all those other people really don't know what they're talking about because they only get to see a small part of our BPD parent. We as children get to see everything and it ain't a pretty sight. It amazed me too how my uBPD mother was able to trick trained professionals. She was being treated by a psychiatrist (only shortly) and when I heard her talking about this to my aunt, I got the impression that her psychitrist was treating her as a poor victim who just couldn't get over the death of her own mother.

Being an only child of a BPD parent is very difficult indeed. I have siblings but they are all at least 11 years older than me and for many years I lived alone with my uBPD mom. Fortunately now you're grown up and don't live with your parents anymore and have your husband for support. I hope you venting here has made you feel a little better. Take care  

[GeekyGirl]

Hey keldubs,

I remember your story and how frustrated you were after your mother's inpatient treatment--thanks for the update. I'm sorry that you're having trouble with your mother again.

I've come to accept that I can't do anything for my dad that he won't do for himself.  He's basically an emotionally battered husband who keeps going back.

Because, you know, helping your spouse out when he's getting old and sick is something that you deserve a medal for, not just something that you do because you love them. 

It sounds like your dad is codependent and very tied to your mother. Even though he's sick and her behavior isn't helping him, he probably is terrified of losing your mother. At the same time, your mother seems to like the validation and sympathy she's getting from others as your father's caretaker. Unfortunately, you probably won't be able to make your dad look at things differently. How can you minimize how much your mother's behavior impacts your relationship with your dad?

Is it possible that your mother is overwhelmed and that's partially what's causing her to ramp up her waif-like behavior? Caring for someone who is sick can be incredibly draining, even for someone without BPD.

Welcome back, and let us know how we can help.