Unresponsive STBX - what to do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been attempting to get a marriage settlement finalized with my STBX (high-functioning BPD) for over four months (2 kids, no complicated financials, he already moved to another city and is dating).  Negotiations (through the lawyers) were initially productive. He then changed his mind on several main points that we'd agreed upon. For the past month, he and his L have failed to answer repeated written requests from my L for a response to the most recent counteroffer.

I know this can process can take some time, but I'm frustrated by his foot-dragging, as I cannot refinance the house and get him off the deed without a signed MSA. Meanwhile, he still has the legal right to come and go from the house, and a lot of his stuff is still here. I have no grounds for exclusive occupancy of the house, as he's never been violent or threatening.

He has also not responded to my written request to set up a visitation schedule for the kids (they're in middle school and have been to his place once, and no future visits are planned). I am receiving temporary child and spousal support.

We have a civil relationship, and I've considered attempting to talk to him about it. But I'm afraid that would only make him even less cooperative or trigger a bad reaction.  I have no idea what his motive for this could be, especially as he's the one who was eager to end the marriage. My L has told me that my STBX could drag this out for years - ugh.

Thoughts?

[Undertow]

I have been attempting to get a marriage settlement finalized with my STBX (high-functioning BPD) for over four months (2 kids, no complicated financials, he already moved to another city and is dating).  Negotiations (through the lawyers) were initially productive. He then changed his mind on several main points that we'd agreed upon. For the past month, he and his L have failed to answer repeated written requests from my L for a response to the most recent counteroffer.

I know this can process can take some time, but I'm frustrated by his foot-dragging, as I cannot refinance the house and get him off the deed without a signed MSA. Meanwhile, he still has the legal right to come and go from the house, and a lot of his stuff is still here. I have no grounds for exclusive occupancy of the house, as he's never been violent or threatening.

He has also not responded to my written request to set up a visitation schedule for the kids (they're in middle school and have been to his place once, and no future visits are planned). I am receiving temporary child and spousal support.

We have a civil relationship, and I've considered attempting to talk to him about it. But I'm afraid that would only make him even less cooperative or trigger a bad reaction.  I have no idea what his motive for this could be, especially as he's the one who was eager to end the marriage. My L has told me that my STBX could drag this out for years - ugh.

Thoughts?

[marbleloser]

A failure to respond indicates that they're hoping you'll sweeten your offer.They're using your impatience against you,thinking you'll want it done quickly and will throw in the kitchen sink.

It's a negotiation tactic.Don't let it bother you,even though it does get old and tiresome.

Where are you at in the divorce proceedure? Has custody been established by the court yet?

[Matt]

A couple of quick thoughts... .

First, about the house.  Where I live, if someone (you) is living there, and someone else (him) isn't living there, then you have the sole right to be there, no matter who owns it, who is on the deed or lease, etc. - none of that matters, only the fact that you are in fact living there and he isn't.

Check it out - it's probably the same where you live.  If you decide that it's best for you and the kids to not have him come and go like that, then change the locks and inform him, through his lawyer, that you will be glad to make arrangements so he can pick up his stuff, but he cannot come into the home without your written permission.

About moving forward with the divorce... .

Find out how the process works where you live - your lawyer should explain it to you.  Proceed on the basis of no settlement - file the proper motion to get a trial date set, and proceed with all the other paperwork.  Let the other side know that your offer is open til a certain date - usually a week or so - and after that you will proceed, but you will remain open to a settlement offer from them.

Don't pay your lawyer to do stuff which isn't working.  Tell him, "Quit wasting time trying to get them to settle.  Only put your time into the legal process - assume no settlement."  Then if the other side makes an offer which you think is worth considering - it's likely they will shortly before the trial date - you can decide what to do.  Most likely there will be a settlement, but only when the trial is approaching and they realize it's in their interest to make an offer.

Do not let your lawyer make any more offers.  You made one and they didn't respond, so if you "counter your own offer" it will only teach the other side that digging in their heels is the best way for them to get a better deal.  The next offer must come from them.

Key is to get the trial date set.  In my case, I asked for a date about 4 months away;  the other side responded, asking for a date about 8 months away;  and the judge set it about 6 months away.  Then, when it's set, inform your lawyer in writing not to agree to any delay without your written agreement.  Sometimes lawyers decide things among themselves without talking to their clients, and agree to delays out of courtesy to each other;  but if you don't want any delays you don't have to agree to it.

[Undertow]

There's never been any question about my having primary physical custody. He completely agrees with this. The kids are long established in this school district, and he lives in a high rise in a major city several hours away.

To clarify, 6 weeks ago, he suddenly refused to pay any spousal support. This came after being very close to agreement on everything, with only minor differences. My L explained to his L (not a family law guy) that in our state, temporary alimony is paid for at least two years automatically. They responded by counteroffering to pay 2 years of alimony (less than we'd previously agreed upon).  We rejected this and did not counteroffer. No intention of doing that. Haven't heard from them since. So I think you may be right in the trying-to-wear-me-down observation. Will ask my L about the court date suggestion.

I've gone over the issue of physical access to the house with my L several times. Unless I have grounds to obtain a restraining order, he has legal access to the house, period. We share ownership -- but I pay for the mortgage and all repairs and upkeep. 

He does ask in advance if he can visit, and I don't want to penalize the kids or risk seeming unreasonable if we go to court in the future, so I've agreed. However, I feel that this is confusing for my younger child, who does not understand why we don't do things together anymore if he's here.

[Matt]

Most states have guidelines for alimony and child support, based on both parents' incomes and other factors.  If you can get those worksheets they should establish what is "normal" and "reasonable" to the courts in your state.  If there aren't any guidelines, your lawyer should know how the courts usually rule.  Somehow you need to establish what you think is right and reasonable, and go for that (or a little more).  Insist that it begin right away.

Also, if there are financial assets, those will probably be split.  If you have hardship right now, you can ask to have some of those assets to help during the divorce process.  Don't be shy - ask for what you need, to maintain your lifestyle and take care of the kids.

Visits - be reasonable but if you think it would be best for him to spend time with the kids away from the house, say so, and make it stick.  I'm not a lawyer, and things may be different in different states, but if your husband no longer lives with you, I very much doubt that he can force his way into the house.  Change the locks and work out the visitation issues by e-mail, and then go with what you both agree to.

It may be good to get the kids into counseling - I did that - mine were 8 and 10.  I got a recommendation from their school counselor, for a counselor in private practice who was very helpful.  Not a "solution" to a "problem", just a resource to help the kids understand stuff and gain coping skills.

What have you told the kids so far, and how are they dealing with that?