Things you said in frustration?

[stop2think]

   folks,

Being the non makes us No saints, we may be more human than the pwNPD/BPD or any personality disorder.

During the last months/tail end of my r/s with my exbf i said so many things that were out of character for me. His anger outbursts were not novel to me - as i realised he was a very short tempered guy. I related that to the issues that cropped up due to the long distance throughout our r/s, never once thought something was wrong with him - like ever. Just got used to it until my self-defence start showing up. As i retrospect, strangely i could take the abuse (emtional, verbal & physical at times) - but what was maddening was his 'silent treatment' for months.

This triggered my anger and frustration, said some horrible things to him  

One night between our arguement i was a bit drunk, he strikingly recalled something i told him weeks/months ago such as "see this is the reason why everybody left you", "if i really never loved you i would accepted XYZ's proposal few months ago", and the only one time when i cussed and said "I can't believe i loved a b*st*rd like you" (he dint waste a second to call me a b*tch) - after this day he dumped up me... .

I sometimes wonder if I caused the demise of the r/s? If perhaps i would have never spoken such terrible words, we would have been together today... . and probably he would have given us another chance 5 months ago.

Too late i guess, as he is happily getting hitched to someone new this month. Guess i will always be a mess for someone to actually love me.

Just wanted to share my piece of story with you all. I would love to hear yours!

[snappafcw]

All i can say is please don't beat yourself up!

It's true as a Non we do play apart in the relationship. But you are only guilty of expecting love and commitment that someone with mental illness cannot give and staying regardless. Be that as it may you need to remember we all deserve love and respect. your ex was not giving that you and you snapped in despair its quite normal and human of you.

Please be kind to yourself. Remember what you deserve and don't blame yourself for his poor behaviour there is no excuse.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi S2T, No, you are didn't cause your Ex's BPD nor the demise of your r/s.  I suspect most of us who have been involved with a pwBPD have been provoked to say and do things which are way out of character for us under normal circumstances.  I certainly was taunted and goaded until my BPDexW elicited a reaction from me.  I am usually the most polite and respectful person, yet my Ex would bully me until I reacted in anger.  Sure, I used boundaries: left the room, left the house, etc., but sometimes would lash back with a torrent of obscenities, which was extremely odd behavior for me.  So take it easy on yourself, we've all done it . . .

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Tordesillas]

Oh definitely... . it's shocking what you can find yourself thinking/doing when you're in the middle of an intense BPD experience.  I'm not one to be like this at ALL but I remember thinking "If I told her I was at the hospital or really sick or something like that THEN she'd turn around be the loving person I want.  THAT would show her!".   I'd catch myself and think: "wait... . that sounds like something she would do... . .what is going on with me?".

[Undone123]

I feel your pain... . My ex went crazy because I wanted 4 days away to revise for a make or break exam. I failed. Blamed her and her crazyness, and flipped. Said some awful things, called her a "sociopath who lacked empathy" a "narcissist" etc... . I didn't realize it was BPD at the time (although I new the doctor had prescribed CBT) and it took me months to accept I had been so harsh. I found what I had said worse, because it was so close to the truth really. The truth that at the time I didn't know. She wasn't a sociopath, she was BPD... . probably with some NPD in there as well... . But we can be really affected by their behavior. That's where we need to look into ourselves. We shouldn't allow this! That is codependency... .

In regards to them being there if you are ill... . Nope, that is not necessarily the case. I apologised for my blow out, sent flowers etc. And she had half, semi-forgiven me... . But a couple of weeks later I found out I was going to get checked out for something really nasty. Ended up having a couple of biopsies, scans, blood tests, and luckily it was just a virus... . But she split me black in the same conversation I told her what I was getting checked out for.

What I have learned is, a lot of it isn't about us, it's them... . They will always have a troubled relationship, that is high conflict, unless they get help... . We need to look into ourselves, and why we tolerate, and crave such drama

[Tordesillas]

Dank -

Probably true.  She likely wouldn't be there.  It's just scary cause when they're idealizing you it feels like its the both of you against the world.  Even after the first initial break up with my ex she kept talking like I was the most important man in her life.  It felt like she wouldn't turn her back on me for anything. Blah blah blah.  To think that all that dedication and commitment has been so easily and quickly shifted to someone else is just so shattering.

Also I don't think I ever craved the drama... . I craved the feeling of being her world.  The drama was like a storm I had to weather to get to the calm of being adored by her.  It was almost like I felt I had to endure it to PROVE I was worthy of being loved the way she loved me.

[marbleloser]

stop2think,You're human.Anyone can pushed to the limit before the need to fight back kicks in.It's pretty natural,IMO.Not fighting back would indicate a core issue with boundaries.That's what enables some people to stay in an abusive relationship for years or a lifetime.

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.We tend to feel guilty for doing so.It's one aspect that keeps us stuck in the "FOG".

[paperlung]

After she cheated on me I called her a whore. She is also a web cam model, so the word was fitting in more ways than one.

[danley]

Thinking about the question... . Yes I've said somethings out of frustration but always felt bad and apologized. When I use to be in a slump or stressed my ex had told me several times to STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. The first time it hurt because I felt he had No compassion. But the next time a agreed with him and used it as motivation to get myself out of a rut. I know that wasn't intent tho. He said it because he was too tired or overwhelmed to hear about my situation. When I agreed he didn't have a comeback but eventually his mood changed and was like he realized yeah his advice was actually lifting.

Few weeks before he broke up with me we had talks about how I felt he was putting off his responsibilities and not making an effort to put in his share in the relationship. We would have these check talks every once in a while. It was like I had to remind him that a relationship is two people not just himself and not just when it's convenient for him. He would make tons of excuses WHY he couldn't make time and would have a pity party about his life but neglected to do anything about it. Things piled up as well as hurt and resentment. So I told himto STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF. Well he didn't like it. And he got mad and said I was selfish and didn't care about his feelings. I told him I did and I believed it's what he needed to start doing. I guess he didn't like the taste of his own advice.

Ever since I told him those words it was like he viewed me as evil. But really it was a dose of reality. I was always gentle in my words and tone. But this particular comment made him go distant. I regret saying it but it was reality and he doesn't like to accept the work and change needed in making things right. In his eyes he probably felt I couldn't be trusted. Funny thing is tho that be probably doesn't even remember he gave me the exact same advice. Guess jt books down to his hypersensitiveness. I always used to think "Wow. This man is 50 years old and years older than me but yet he acts like a child who's gotten his toys taken away,". She doesn't exactly make you wiser in his case.

[danley]

Age doesn't make you wiser in his case.

[stop2think]

Few weeks before he broke up with me we had talks about how I felt he was putting off his responsibilities and not making an effort to put in his share in the relationship. We would have these check talks every once in a while. It was like I had to remind him that a relationship is two people not just himself and not just when it's convenient for him. He would make tons of excuses WHY he couldn't make time and would have a pity party about his life but neglected to do anything about it. Things piled up as well as hurt and resentment.

Ever since I told him those words it was like he viewed me as evil. But really it was a dose of reality. I was always gentle in my words and tone. But this particular comment made him go distant. I regret saying it but it was reality and he doesn't like to accept the work and change needed in making things right. In his eyes he probably felt I couldn't be trusted. Funny thing is tho that be probably doesn't even remember he gave me the exact same advice.

Wow, this is exactly what happened to me. It was like tables turned. And i ended up pleading him to give 'us' one more chance but he obstinately refused to. Still shocks me to think how things change and how they move on so quickly like they had no feelings of love left and so easily ignore almost immediately. Never heard from him after that day.

[MarcinN7]

When the crazy, the false accusations, the deflection, and constant circular fights were at their peak.

After i found out she spent a night with a guy (several nights) and was seeing him for 2+months, and still would not want to talk about this and wanted to just "drop the subject" like it never happened.

When her behavior started to get worse and i felt she is treating EVERYONE better then me.

Then i said many truths about her. That she seems like she never loved me, that she is the most fake person i ever met, a pathological liar.

But the more i endured the more i fought something else. Not the urge to yell at her but the urge to not beat the crap out of her.

Literally i was on the edge and had a real urge to just punch her face into a pulp for all the lies, betrayals and manipulation. This urge was more intense when she would try to feed me more lies and manipulation (shes a bad liar and i`m very good at spotting lies but i believed her earlier because well? love? and love is trust right?). I think this is how domestic violence starts in many cases. Years of abuse/lying/cheating/betrayals coupled with manipulation and giving false hope fallowed by more betrayals. I was literally scared that if i stayed with her i would some day just kill her since life in prison would probably be more peaceful than with her.

At our last recycle that lasted a few hours. She came to my house and we talked. I told her about BPD etc. After i while she wanted of course to just get back together like nothing happened not facing her issues or anything.  (She is diagnosed AvPD but i think there is BPD in the mix). More she wanted to move in immediately. She supposedly wanted to go into CT. When we talked about what happened in our lives since we last talked she didn't want to say ANYTHING. Like nothing happened at all (bullhit). Then when i suggested that maybe she could just show me her facebook she denied at first. I showed her mine and talked to great lengths about what i was doing and what people i met. She then started to casually go through it on the phone finding and deleting the posts that she thought didn't look good. All this IN FRONT OF ME. (The official story was she was crying after me all this time we were in NC and missing me- year right . Just like she missed me when i wanted to do CT and she bails and travel's to meet again the guy who she cheated with. A guy who has schizophrenia and is bipolar. Funny part - he had an attack when she met him in his hometown and he was transported by ambulance and locked up in a psych ward for a week. Just what could have caused him to brake down i wonder?  )

So... . seeing her trying to feed me lies and manipulation AGAIN, and IN FRONT OF ME I lost it. We argued like hard. I yelled at her that i hate her and don't want her to be in my life anymore in any way. Called her all kinds of names. She didn't want to leave, tried to get her out by force but she just hold onto the bed. didn't want to leave any marks so she could not make any false accusation on me. I thought about calling the cops. Eventually just waited for her to get bored and get out of the house (~2hr).

The worst part is, i was a rock before i met her. No one could get me on the edge, i was kind to everyone and hat TONS of love to give and patience for everyone. Now i feel my "fuse" is really short. I`m quick to anger, have little patience (for bullhit almost none) and i think i become somewhat bitter and worse then i was earlier in this regard. (I`m better everywhere else, life experience, BPD radar on full power already saved me from another woman who wanted to be with me and had red flags popping).

[Murbay]

stop2think,

As someone has already said, please don't beat yourself up over this because it isn't your fault.

One session I had with my T, was just days after I tried to explain to my exBPDw why I felt hurt over a comment she had made the previous night. Obviously, she didn't take this too well which then frustrated me and I ended up telling her that there was no wonder people were afraid to say anything to her, including her own daughter. I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I said the wrong thing and overstepped the mark. Her response, was to pour hot coffee over me and try to hit me with the cup. Something which she later said was my own fault for what I had said and I accepted that because I felt I deserved to be scalded.

Explaining the situation to my T, I explained how it was all my fault because I had overstepped the mark and said something out of frustration. He almost fell of his chair and then came the words I used to hear quite regularly from him "It is not your fault, you might have contributed to an argument and had some contribution to the way the relationship has gone but you are not at fault" pwBPD push our buttons to try and trigger a reaction from us.

When they don't get it, they keep trying to find the button that does. It is only human to react when so many buttons are constantly being pushed. It is the fact that we can react but feel that remorse immediately after, knowing we have overstepped a mark and taken responsibility for doing so that sets us apart. People do say things out of anger and frustration, it's knowing your own limit and being able to hold yourself accountable.

[KellyO]

I sais all kinds of things. All kinds. But one thing I said hit him like a ton of bricks and I think he will always remember it: "You are a nasty little s*-head". And I meant it, every word. This hurt him because he is quite short, and he wants to be Mr. Nice. I think at that moment he saw himself as I saw him. It must have hurt. Well, of course before that he had tortured me for hours with threats to dump me, told me what a **** I am etc. etc. You know the picture.

I wish I could say I regret saying that to him, but I really don't. I regret many other things I have said, but for some reason not that... . because it was true. He was exactly what I said he was. Well, or course I don't know if his head is filled wiht s*t... . but his thoughts are.

[hanginon]

S2T, and everyone else,

Some of the posts here are hit very close to home for me.  It still amazes me that there are so many people in similar situations... . as peculiar as those situations are.  I have always been the most patient, calm, laid back man. Not something I tried to do. Its just me.  Over time my BPDw has turned me into something that I am not naturally. She can turn me into an angry defensive hostile person in about 2.5 seconds under the right or I suppose wrong conditions.  I have said some pretty bad things to her but honestly I have never, ever in my life been spoken to in a more hateful, hurtful, vengeful way than the way she has spoken to me. What I have said to her is a drop in her bucket. (with the hole in it) However, because her feelings are on her sleeve so to speak, my words are so hurtful to her but she usually doesn't even remember what she said to me or dismisses it as, I was just trying to "hurt" you because I felt you were hurting me.

The last time we spoke on the phone two days ago she asked me why I was so angry? Why was I so hostile? This was in response to her telling a family memeber essentially that I had agreed to a recycle and I had not.  My response was the truth and the only thing I knew to say... . I am this way, BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY!  I hate to say it and I can't say if the change is temporary or permanent but I have at least with her... . had a fundamental personality change myself, and thats not good.  I shouldn't let her get to me because I have learned a lot here on this forum and reading the articles and posts here but completely out of character... . I have developed a pressure cap... . that if I reach, I just sort of blow. (verbally)  I have never had this with anyone but her and think it is complete and total frustration with her crazy-making. I need to do two things... . limit my contact with her and when I do talk to her, try to practice the things I have read on here to keep things in some sort of order. Try to keep things going in the right direction or just disengage and say we will readdress when the crazy stuff stops.

I really think the thing that gave me the strength to enforce at least separation right now is my own personal sanity.  My words to her was the first 6 years of our relationship was all about her... . and now its all about me and its about me because if I don't pull me out of this hole... . there may not be much "me" left.

[Nearlybroken]

Before I met my expwBPD I was a rational calm woman.But his behaviour has sometimes got me to the point where I do not recognise myself or my actions. I think that I have had every aspect of my life undermined... . from my career choice,intelligence,clothing,religious beliefs.It is so frustrating when someone continually pushes your buttons and when you react as any normal person would you are made out to be evil/mad.It is made worse by the fact  that he is charming to everyone else except me.When I snap he uses this against me... . of course it is all my fault because noone else in his life disagrees with him,argues etc.No one else "hassles" him the way I do.And of course he has a list of times in his head when he feels I have acted "the wrong way"... . he seems to recall all of my "bad "behaviour yet seems to blank out his BPD generated irrationality.He is a child occupying a man's body.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, In my experience, living w/pwBPD lowered my "boiling point."  I am uncertain of the physiological basis for this phenomenon but my observation is that I became much quicker on the trigger to pre-empt another personal attack that I could see was coming from my BPDexW.  Agree, nearlybroken, it got to the point that I no longer knew who I was.  Yet, having been separated for 2 1/2 years and recently divorced, I can attest that my life is much more peaceful and even boring in a good way, and I am slowly but surely re-discovering my true self again, which sounds a little corny but think you know what I mean.

Thanks to all, LuckyJim

[delgato]

pwBPD push our buttons to try and trigger a reaction from us.

When they don't get it, they keep trying to find the button that does. It is only human to react when so many buttons are constantly being pushed. It is the fact that we can react but feel that remorse immediately after, knowing we have overstepped a mark and taken responsibility for doing so that sets us apart.

Yep.

One way for them is to push one particular button. Then again & again. Harder & more frequently. That same button.

Another: Push various buttons in a particular sequence & timeframe -- sometimes incorporating the above.


When it happens the 1st time, we might not enforce any boundaries. Reason being, perhaps we were in shock, unsure of how to even respond, since it was so unexpected and/or messed up. Or perhaps make an excuse for them, e.g., "ah, she was just drunk at the time, we all say/do things sometimes when alcohol is involved."

Or maybe we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, 2nd chances, etc. Or just ignore it, preferring not to get caught up in it and/or to choose our battles wisely. Or whatever.


Of course, even the healthiest/strongest person can only take so much before they snap. And oftentimes the response isn't very pretty.

And yep, the pwBPD will then turn around & act like we're the crazy one.


Yeah, I said some pretty lousy things to her in a pretty harsh manner once I was pushed to my limit (& then some)... . I've certainly got a way with words sometimes, heh.

But, I won't repeat them here. One reason being, I prefer not to say stuff like that again & wasn't very cool. Trust me, it was pretty hardcore. Never have I said stuff like that to anybody else.

And obviously afterwards I felt bad & apologized sincerely (of course, to no avail)... . But for all the stuff she put me thru, did I ever once even get something remotely close to that from her? Heck, no. I believe she's incapable of giving any kind of real apology (or even a fake one, for that matter). And that's not the kind of woman I want to spend time with.


Anyway, to the OP: You didn't cause the demise of the R/S -- it was doomed from the start. All of ours were. We went into it thinking it was some sort of healthy, normal adult relationship... . alas, untreated pwBPD are pretty much incapable of that.

And I don't know you personally or know your story, but I don't believe you are too much of a mess for somebody to ever love you.

[VeryFree]

Stable, quiet, introspect, friendly, calm.

All things my family and friends would call if they were asked to describe me.

Yet too often I've said things to my stbx which I shouldn't have said. I often apologized afterwards, trying to explain (JADE), but she always used my words against me. Never looking at what triggered my reaction, never apologizing for her own words and behaviour.

So: yes, we can act in a way that isn't ours. Our goal should be to understand why we can be triggered that we say things we don't mean and that we don't want to say.

[Murbay]

I can totally relate to that VeryScared.

The day we signed the divorce papers, got home and the ex started behaving like nothing had happened. Wanted to talk about random things and acting like we were best friends just like we had taken a trip to the store. She got annoyed with me because I was withdrawn and she couldn't understand why. I told her it might be best if I didn't contact her immediately for a while because although she couldn't see anything wrong, I was in a state of devastation.

I did apologise and explained that cutting off communication isn't what I was referring to but that we both needed that time to heal.

I left the following day and all her texts and e-mails were friendly and chatty, such as "Let me know you have arrived safely at your sisters and have a great time xx" I didn't initially respond but when I arrived and several other e-mails from her, I did so just to let her know and left it at that. What I got back was "I don't know what to say right now without asking for your permission to write"

Explained that she didn't need my permission and she was free to write whenever she wanted, only then to be told "well you stated that you never wanted to hear from me again so I'm respecting your wishes"

So I did say something that I probably shouldn't initially, corrected myself and apologised, only for the boundaries to be ignored anyway until such time it suited her and then she threw it back at me despite the fact I had told her I was most likely not going to respond and not telling her that I didn't want to hear from her. This was the communication frustration that often went on but rather than react, I would actually back away to try and think how to word something in a way that was understood, only then to be accused of being withdrawn which to a degree I was.

[Lucky Jim]

Well put, Delgato.  Never received an apology from my BPDexW and don't think it was within the realm of possibility for her.  To apologize is to admit one is flawed, which is anathema to a pwBPD, in my view.  Thanks to all, Lucky Jim

[leftbehind]

He started to withdraw from me sexually during the last couple of months.  We would still have good sex, but mostly because I was initiating it.  I finally got frustrated and told him I wouldn't be initiating sex anymore, because I felt humiliated and rejected when he refused.  I was really angry when I said it, and I knew I had hurt his feelings, so ten minutes later I apologized.  He seemed to accept my apology, but broke it off two days later.

I so regret that conversation.