Does It Bother Them When We Stick To NC?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just a thought really.

Does it bother them when we keep to NC and stick to their wishes (they wanted us out of there life)?

Because getting silly messages randomly then silence? I don't get the point, unless it's to play with my mind. Just is a big WHY!

I always like answers for EVERYTHING. So when I don't know why. I just can't help but question

[Discarded26]

Just a thought really.

Does it bother them when we keep to NC and stick to their wishes (they wanted us out of there life)?

Because getting silly messages randomly then silence? I don't get the point, unless it's to play with my mind. Just is a big WHY!

I always like answers for EVERYTHING. So when I don't know why. I just can't help but question

[marbleloser]

The only part I've found that bothers them(personally speaking) is the lack of control.If they've moved on to someone else,it probably doesn't bother them at all.NC is for you,not them.It gives you the chance to detach,whereas staying in contact with them would make it more difficult.

[Discarded26]

The only part I've found that bothers them(personally speaking) is the lack of control.If they've moved on to someone else,it probably doesn't bother them at all.NC is for you,not them.It gives you the chance to detach,whereas staying in contact with them would make it more difficult.

Oh yeah I totally agree. I could never speak to mine again. I do feel like saying LEAVE ME ALONE when sends messages. But I know he wants a reaction of sorts (at the time) and silence is the only way to go

Obviously I hope he realises one day he's made the biggest mistake of his life.

But in reality I know that will never happen (only a ego satisfaction thing) Think we can say that happens with normal relationships to though. That thought process

[Nearlybroken]

In my experience:no.It does not bother them at all.They only resume contact when it suits them... . mostly in order to regain control and play with your mind.You will never get answers... . they will never afford you that courtesy.

[Discarded26]

In my experience:no.It does not bother them at all.They only resume contact when it suits them... . mostly in order to regain control and play with your mind.You will never get answers... . they will never afford you that courtesy.

That is true. Mine always sends love messages, get back with him etc. Telling me I should grow up and speak to him.

And yes does play with my mind. But I can safely say, I don't want anything to do with him. He hurt me so much how I was treated. And someone like that BPD or not. I hope a bit of pain goes there way to (think that to normal ex's to) So just how I am

[bpdspell]

Does it bother them when we keep to NC and stick to their wishes (they wanted us out of there life)?

No Contact is for us to end the toxic dance and for us to heal from the emotional abuse. It is also for us to better understand why we allowed ourselves to become grossly entwined with a person who isn't capable of treating us well.

Does the silence bother them? I personally think it does. Why not? They're human and they once had an immense amount of control over us. With no contact that control is our of their hands. Do they miss us? Perhaps. But not in a way that could ever validate us. No contact does not magically cure them of their BPD. Missing us does not change who they are. They're sick and they need serious intensive psychological help.

I don't think they necessarily want us out of their lives as much as they simply want us to be their sock puppets to fulfill their deep emptiness. When things don't go their way they act out in child-like maladaptive ways because this is how they cope with feelings of rejection, abandonment and loss of power. Even if those feelings are imagined. This is how they paint us black. Because of their fear of abandonment they will create chaos out of calm simply to ___ test or to take our temperatures to see just how much abuse we're willing to take. It's not personal. They really hate themselves and don't expect people to stick around long.

As for wishing them pain or suffering you don't have to wish it cause the emotional pain is already there in full force. No Contact is nothing compared to the emotional pain that has lived inside of them way before we came into the picture.

On some level I think the shame of who they are kicks in when we stick to NC and THIS only compounds pain that already lives inside of them. It is perceived abandonment and it is their worst nightmare.

As we learn to accept their disorder we'll grow into having compassion for them. I know its painful for us to unravel the abyss we've come through but with time you will feel better.

[jollygreen]

There's a great thread I came across on here. Can't remember where but it talked about how when your BPD partner paints you black, they immediately latch on to the closest person that they see as white. This is to get that validating attention again to see they are the victim and are right for what has happened. It may be a friend, parents, or a new relationship they jump into. I know that in my situation, she immediately move out of our place into her parents and started hanging out with a new girlfriend at work and old friends we had in college.  It's funny because when we were together she rarely wanted to see them even when I tried to push for it. So do they feel pain in with our NC? I think somewhat, they need constant attention to lift their spirit and jump around to people that can do that. When they aren't receiving that boost of the ego, feel guilty, or have a sense of remorse is when they try to reach to us or others to see who can save their life again.

[danley]

Idk for sure if NC bothers them. But my ex didn't want NC until he threw in my face that he was talking to someone else and I wished him well. For my ex, I know it bothers him severely when someone doesn't like him or ignores him. My ex speaks before thinking and normally out of anger and then later regrets it. I'm normally the one to break the ice after a heated discussion. He won't apologize and will carry on as tho he never did or said anything wrong. He probably always expects me to do this as I'm a pretty forgiving person. He is used to me making the first move and making contact.

We had an argument a month ago where I told him he needed to grow a pair and take ownership for his issues and emotions. He got pissed and perhaps prematurely requested I not text him while he was gonna go meet his new friend. I felt this was his way of sticking it to me. Well, I just stopped texting him PERIOD. It's been over a month. This is unusual for me being I'm the one to reach out. Since I've been NC outside of work he's been trying to get my attention. IDK whether it's the NC that's made him stop the rages, or if the new friend is putting him in a good mood, or if he actually sees what a jerk he'd been.

I just know in my ex, NC is bothering him to a degree because he is hypersensitive and he's already said to me several times that it would kill him if I hated him. This to me makes No sense. Did he really think that after all he's done that there wouldn't be a possibility that I'd hate him? NC bothered me in the beginning as I missed the daily connection. I can't say this is the same for my ex.

[Murbay]

Discarded26, yes it does. Marbleloser has said it perfectly, it's the lack of control.

A year ago in joint therapy, my exBPDw was angry at the "control" my mother had over her. The control she was referring to was my mother asking questions like "Is our baby still on baby food or is she now on solids?" Which for me is a perfectly normal question for a grandparent 3,500 miles away. Ex took it as her parenting was being questioned so she was angry, not just at my mother for asking but also at me for not being as angry about it as she was.

T said to her in the session, that she was in control of her own feelings and how she addressed it. This was what led our T to identify she had BPD because where I would have said, I would tell her how I feel and put a boundary in place, my ex's response was to paint my mother black and go NC. I said I disagreed but that I respected my exBPDw's decision and it was left at that. My ex went NC with my mother, who was already fully aware how difficult ex was and was also grateful of the break. Only NC didn't last very long, probably about 2 months before she was back in contact. I still had contact with my mother which my ex knew about, but I never shared any of the information with her out of respect for her choice. It was too much for her, because she is someone who "needs" to know everything and I saw the effect that not knowing had on her. She got back in contact and my mother engaged but on a LC basis which further enraged exBPDw because now she felt things were being hidden from her.

For her, it was all about the element of control, and something T agreed entirely on.

So roll on 6 weeks ago when she ended our marriage. I initially started out with LC but that angered her and eventually it went NC after about 3 days of LC. She contacted T to tell him she never wanted to hear from me again which made things a little easier. Despite that, she has tried to engage every single week so far, the last time being yesterday and I know it's driving her insane not knowing, and also that she has lost that element of control over me. That part is the NPD side of her. She has even tried to befriend family members through a different facebook account, one she uses for spying and I gave them advanced noticed of before the friends requests started coming in. All the communication I have had, none of it has been information, such as "Just letting you know, ***** did well in her tests today" it has ALWAYS been a question she is requiring answers to. The e-mail yesterday, was titled "final request" and she did through in the word "kindly" in there 

This was a woman who during the 4 or 5 months I was working away, sent over 20,000 e-mails to me, multiple phonecalls, skype sessions etc... . because of her abandonment fears. I miss the communication with her but I also see now how much more time I have because I'm not constantly tending to her needs for 22 hours a day, I think she is missing that too. So it does come down to control.

[eniale]

I think it does not bother them at first, except in the sense they have lost control, but remember it is always about them, and if they have moved on to someone else you may not hear from them, UNLESS things are not going well in their new relationship; then they may take you down from the shelf where they have kept you "just in case", dust you off, and resume contact.  They may say "Can we be friends?"  Always be very wary and know it is not about you, it is about them, and having their needs met.  If you are compassionate, you may even feel sorry for them, and despite the progress you have made, they may will have a hold on you.  Be very, very protective of yourself.  Think of what they have done to you.  Do not let them suck you back in.

[danley]

Thats what im more concerned about... . the sucking in and being put perhaps in the negative in his eyes once he gains control by me making contact (in his eyes). Isnt it sad that this concerns me more than thinking maybe hes actually making progress? GUess ive been so beat up with Jekyll and Hyde routine and the experience has left a very bad impression. I dont feel safe enough to trust any type of compassion from him right now.

[ScotisGone74]

I believe that they have no problem what so ever with NC in the beginning, since most of them have

new SO's lined up or in the bedroom.  The problem is that eventually their childish love fantasy begins to become predictable and boring and not the disney fantasy they dreamed of, then they are left to reflect on all of their lies and hurt they have caused others to get where they are... . in another unhappy/still raging/blaming someone else predicament.   So maybe, a long time from now it may bother them that we stay NC, but honestly who cares at that point anyway. 

[Validation78]

Hi Discarded!

I'm not sure whether or not NC really bothers them the way it would if someone dit it to us. Rather I think they are annoyed and surprised by it. Until we went NC, we allowed them to use us for their dysfunctional needs. Now, seemingly out of the blue, we have boundaries, and the strength of emotional character to take care of ourselves first. They have no idea that we are not doing it to punish them. That it is all about protecting ourselves, and removing ourselves from the environment that was clearly harmful to us. I can't speak for all pwBPD, so I will speak to my exBPD's situation only. When we discussed (prior to breakup) how his behavior was abusive, he could not even conceive of it. The way their brains process information is not at all like a mentally healthy person.

The sooner we accept that the behaviors, and explanation for so much is just that we are dealing with a mental illness, the less we ask why this and that. If you learn as much as you can about BPD, I think you will ask less questions, and simply accept that disordered thinking and behaviors are inexplicable and we will never be able to apply logic and order to it!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[mcc503764]

I'm really not sure if it matters at this point?  I guess everyone likes to think that we're "special/important" to another person, so on some level we would like to think that we've made an impact of some sort to our BPD x's.  In retrospect, I really don't think so.  I don't think that it makes any difference to them.  Normal / nondisordered people... . yes, but BPD not so much.

We are just pawns in their life.  just objects.  disposable.  when we leave, they simply replace our space with another.  unfortunately it's really that impersonal.  anything to meet their own needs.  it was always about them, so why would it be any different now?

As stated above, NC is about US... . reclaiming OUR lives, OUR sanity, and is the first step towards moving forward!

Now, once their supply is running low, and they attempt to contact us, I think that our NC bothers them for a second.  it's like the little kid that cant get the new toy at the store... . they don't understand.   their impulsivity tells them that they "want it now," and cant understand why they cant have what they want.  same principle, I guess... . after they throw their temper tantrum, they will either get distracted by something else, or find another suitable "toy" to play with that will keep their interest for a minute.  same principle with their r/s's... . I hope that metaphor makes sense to everyone?  but I really think it's that simple!

MCC

[Deleted]

All BPD are different and perhaps some do some do not.

In my case my BPDex spent a great deal of time talking in immense detail about her ex boyfriends and past sexual partners. I recall one time a guy who basically used her for sex discarding of her after (I know assume it was her BPD that drove him away) and she would cry about it. She also told me about her first love( he has NPD) who broke up with her and she quickly had sex with another guy. I believe at least in my particular case, when I left her after countless actions by her that drove me away, it hurt her tremendously that I "abandoned" her and that's when I was split black. It eat her up inside knowing that she has no control over me, that I will not put up with her waif BS any longer. I know she felt this way for 3-4 weeks after NC/breaking up. However, she quickly found someone and had sexual relations with a few other people, went to parties, smoked, drank, went all out. This killed me however, her actions show that she is running away. I'm rambling but I would assume it does bother them, I'm not sure if it bothers them for a long time however, it does bother them until they self medicate. It's much easier to replace me or you with someone else than say "well there goes yet another failed relationship because of me" .

I know my memory is still alive in my BPD ex's mind. My family and her still talk after 1 year of NC, she has over 200+ photos of us on FB after a whole year and from my personal experience whoever her new boyfriend is, he will hear how bad and good I am in great detail along with every other boyfriend/ sexual partner she has had.

NC gives them no power and it gives us a time to recover and actually see through the BS. It hurts their ego and maybe deep DEEP down they do realize just how fking toxic they are to us and it brings them even more shame.

[laelle]

Would you agree tho that it bothers them not because they lost a great love and friendship, but they lost control and someone to use?

I agree with Val... . they think we are punishing them unfairly for something we did ourselves.  annoyed and dumbfounded, but they will get over it.

They are designed to... .

I am sure you miss your ex because you loved and valued her.  Its something they just cant get.  They never got it at an age where they were suppose to "get" it.

Only painfully working back through everything with a T can they possibly reach that abused or neglected child and change their script.