Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 19, 2021, 12:55:10 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Do BPD females rush into marriage?  (Read 11146 times)
Wanna Move On
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 74


« on: June 14, 2013, 04:10:15 PM »

I am new here. First post. My old BPDx is going to be married in approximately 4-weeks, to a guy she apparently had a whirlwind romance with. She comes from a very affluent, socially well-connected family. So does he.

She (early/mid 30s) is doing so, I believe, because her younger sister (late 20s and considered the more "successful" one) is scheduled to have her big (and long-planned for) wedding at the end of this summer. They are hypercompetative and the BPDx is seething with envy; to the degree that I believe she could suicidally tailspin if unmarried by younger sister's big day. (I would not even be shocked if BPDx became "accidentally" pregnant to help ensure sealing the deal FAST!)

Is this kind of rushing-into behavior common for BPDs? I hate to admit it, but I am still "stuck."

I cannot believe her engagement and upcoming marriage can be based on anything resembling real love. I really would appreciate any feedback. I am really affected by this and the thought it could be happy and lasting. 
Logged
expos
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2013, 04:28:45 PM »

Exactly my scenario when I married my ex-BPD wife.

Intensely fast courtship in early February 2008, shopping for a ring in early September 2008, proposed to her in October 2008, married in May 2009, new cars in June 2009, brand new house in July 2009, puppy dog in August 2009, devalued and no sex beginning in December 2009, separated March 2012, divorced November 2012.

The courtship, the engagement, wedding are all intensely great times for a BPD.  They are the center of attention... . it's all about them in EVERY SINGLE WAY.  Once the real life sinks in, and no more checkpoints to cross are in sight, they hit the lows and they start hating everything.  Expect your ex to hate her husband once reality arrives.

I specifically remembered my wife crying at the end of our honeymoon in the Virgin Islands.  I asked her why... . and she said "I didn't want it to end... . "  The real meaning what that the whirlwind of attention she was getting was coming to a close.  I looked at her like she was crazy.

I called it her "timeline."  Kids were next on the list for her A YEAR INTO OUR MARRIAGE and I told her "no" because we were rarely intimate.  Then our relationship crumbled because she wasn't hitting the checkpoint on her timeline of achievements.

So yes, they rush into things fast without thinking it through.  They never sit and reflect on the good and bad decisions they make... . it's all impulsive and what's next? what's next? what's next? what's next?  They never sit in the moment... . it leads to too much anxiety... . they need constant forward momentum and attention to survive. 

Logged

Octoberfest
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 717


« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2013, 04:33:22 PM »

Exactly my scenario when I married my ex-BPD wife.

Intensely fast courtship in early February 2008, shopping for a ring in early September 2008, proposed to her in October 2008, married in May 2009, new cars in June 2009, brand new house in July 2009, puppy dog in August 2009, devalued and no sex beginning in December 2009, separated March 2012, divorced November 2012.

The courtship, the engagement, wedding are all intensely great times for a BPD.  They are the center of attention... . it's all about them in EVERY SINGLE WAY.  Once the real life sinks in, and no more checkpoints to cross are in sight, they hit the lows and they start hating everything.  Expect your ex to hate her husband once reality arrives.

I specifically remembered my wife crying at the end of our honeymoon in the Virgin Islands.  I asked her why... . and she said "I didn't want it to end... . "  The real meaning what that the whirlwind of attention she was getting was coming to a close.  I looked at her like she was crazy.

I called it her "timeline."  Kids were next on the list for her A YEAR INTO OUR MARRIAGE and I told her "no" because we were rarely intimate.  Then our relationship crumbled because she wasn't hitting the checkpoint on her timeline of achievements.

So yes, they rush into things fast without thinking it through.  They never sit and reflect on the good and bad decisions they make... . it's all impulsive and what's next? what's next? what's next? what's next?  They never sit in the moment... . it leads to too much anxiety... . they need constant forward momentum and attention to survive. 

+1... .

I don't know that it is fair to say that it is exclusively female BPD's.  It may be, I just do not know.

But, yeah, my BPDex is like that.

She got married and pregnant at 19 to a guy she knew for a year before splitting with him and aborting it.

Now, at 22, she just got a puppy with and is planning on moving in with the guy she cheated on me with (the most recent one that is) that she started talking to in late APRIL.  It hasn't even been 2 months.  So yeah, expos explanation makes all the sense in the world.  She is so sure this is going to work and sadly the entire thing is laughable.
Logged

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
[/url]
clairedair
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2013, 05:29:59 PM »

Hi wannamoveon - welcome!

I don't believe that this rush to marriage is just something women wBPD are prone too.  My exH just married someone he started dating just weeks after his final separation from me - was engaged within 4 months and married within 6.   

Coincidentally, I was just thinking about the attention aspect of it all a few minutes before reading your post.  In recent months he's had attention from sharing with everyone that he's in love again, an engagement, stag do, wedding and tonight had another celebration with work colleagues.  I did wonder earlier what's going to happen when all the fuss dies down.  I also wonder how much is a distraction for him and again wonder what'll happen when he's not as busy as he is now.

Wanna move on - our marriage went through several reconciliations that all ended with him leaving and starting a new relationship very quickly so I am actually grateful that he's now married as I have had a lot more peace that has enabled me to focus more on myself.  I hope that he is happy and settled now as it would be better, not just for him, but for me and his children.  No more rollercoaster ride. But it's really difficult sometimes - I especially hate the feeling at times of being 'erased' though mostly I am able to see that my ex's re-marriage doesn't really say anything about my worth.

Do you still have contact with her?  How did you hear about the impending marriage?
Logged
crystalclear
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 155


« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2013, 05:43:29 PM »

Interestingly,  I think it might not be a gender biased trait.

My uNPD/BPD exbf got engaged to a girl a month later since they met (2 months after he brokeup with me), and getting married to her this month i. e 4 months after they met.

But he always wanted to get married asap as he said he is already 33yrs and desperately wanted a wife, family etc... .

Funny thing most of my friends agree with his outlook,  and say that's how marriages *especially arranged ones) are in his culture... . Quick engagement followed by quicker wedding.

When he dumped me he said he loved me but love is not THE most important thing for marriage. Wonder even today what was doing with me and  persuaded me into marriage.?
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2013, 05:46:59 PM »

I cannot believe her engagement and upcoming marriage can be based on anything resembling real love.

You're right.  A BPD, lacking object constancy, emotionally immature and undeveloped, and incapable of empathy, creates a fantasy of "love" that is real to them, happens very fast, and is totally unsustainable, like all of their other emotions.  Mature, healthy love takes time to develop, and the real deal grows with time and is sustainable, where a BPD's fantasy love is not real or sustainable, and will flame out as soon as the idealization phase is over.

You could watch her crash and burn, but remember, it's not about him, and it wasn't about you, it's always about her, and you'd be better off focusing on yourself and your healing, and creating a future with out her.  Sucks early I realize, but the hardest part is at the beginning, and it gets better, a lot better.
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2013, 06:12:42 PM »

My ex and I rushed into things so I would imagine he will rush into the next r/s as well. Its a pattern and its pervasive. Expect what you also witnessed and there is your answer.

I could've also followed a pattern and rushed into the next r/s however I paused and sought out therapy to see why I attached to a Borderline.

Anyone who attaches to a BPD has some learning in their future - in time you will find your reason - if you wanna move on! Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

Wanna Move On
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 74


« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2013, 08:18:22 PM »

"So yes, they rush into things fast without thinking it through.  They never sit and reflect on the good and bad decisions they make... . it's all impulsive and what's next? what's next? what's next? what's next?  They never sit in the moment... . it leads to too much anxiety... . they need constant forward momentum and attention to survive."

Expos, I disagree with you regarding the impulsivity factor on her part vis-a-vis her impending marriage. Yes, she disintegrates in her personal life but she is VERY high-functioning in her dispassionate professional life. This, for her, is a professional decision. She has picked someone of high-societally "acceptable" pedigree. Her decision was absolutely 100% a cold, calculated decision. Believe me, I know how her BPD waif brain operates.


Logged
apple
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 151



« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2013, 09:26:34 PM »

[quote author=Clearmind link=topic=203536.msg12269682#msg12269682 date=1371251562

Anyone who attaches to a BPD has some learning in their future - in time you will find your reason - if you wanna move on! Smiling (click to insert in post)[/quote]
In my relationship she wore her mask so well and is very high functioning. I didn't realize the full scope of everything and all the subtleties until the end and long after.  On a conscious level I wasn't aware of things when I was in the middle of it all, but on a subconscious level I would think I must have been somewhat aware. I have been trying to figure out the "why" I entered the relationship and marriage. I know some of it could be attributed to my naiveté and inexperience, but I realize now that I also did ignore and not dig deeper on things that I should have.

Logged
cal644
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 416


« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2013, 09:36:09 PM »

This is a question I have wondered about and has made me ask if my stbexw is truely BPD.  The reason is she never had a desire to be married.  She has told me on numerous ocassions that she never wanted to be married to me or to anyone in her life because of her past (we were married 19 yrs) she has also told me and my daughter that she will never again marry and doesn't want to live with anyone again.  But I guess only time will tell.  But it still has me wondering if it is truely BPD or if she just has a lot of the traits.
Logged
apple
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 151



« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2013, 09:46:24 PM »

My relationship was rushed with my exw and she has done the same thing in all of her 4 marriages. Getting married inside of 1year. Her 2nd was 6mo, her 4th marriage she married in 5mo which lasted less than 60 days. I don't doubt that she has BPD, but Im trying to figure out why I  myself entered into the relationship with her.

And now some music. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqwm_rL4wow
Logged
cska
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 293


« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2013, 10:59:51 PM »

Mine started to want to get married a couple weeks in the relationship. It would make sense that pwBPD  would attempt to get married fast in an attempt to prevent and/or alleviate the fear of abandonment.
Logged
Bach Cantatas

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 36


« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2013, 12:37:23 AM »

"So yes, they rush into things fast without thinking it through.  They never sit and reflect on the good and bad decisions they make... . it's all impulsive and what's next? what's next? what's next? what's next?  They never sit in the moment... . it leads to too much anxiety... . they need constant forward momentum and attention to survive."

Expos, I disagree with you regarding the impulsivity factor on her part vis-a-vis her impending marriage. Yes, she disintegrates in her personal life but she is VERY high-functioning in her dispassionate professional life. This, for her, is a professional decision. She has picked someone of high-societally "acceptable" pedigree. Her decision was absolutely 100% a cold, calculated decision. Believe me, I know how her BPD waif brain operates.

You make an interesting comparison between impulsivity in private life and cold dispassionate decisions in professional life. I also witnessed these characteristics in my ex. She also was very high functioning and very ambitious and successful in her field. (Her Achilles heel however was her absence of empathy and this lead to problems with subordinates which could not be disguised.) She also exhibited great impulsivity in her private life which I initially found shocking, then alluring and exciting. On reflection, I now find many of those things to be crazy and I am amazed at what I found myself engaged in. I find this dichotomy in personality very difficult to understand, despite having been intimately connected to it and having witnessed it all. The upside of all of this is that it further helps in realising what an amazing condition BPD is and how glad I am in slowly freeing (and helping my own self mentally by way of addressing my own issues) myself from its influence.   
Logged
Murbay
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2013, 01:26:23 AM »

In my own personal experience of this, the red flags were so large they could be seen from the International Space Station.



  • I met my exBPDw on a dating site and we hit it off immediately (looking back, a lot of mirroring occurred. Both ways)


  • She was from another country but very professional in her career, single parent with a 5yo daughter whose father had walked out while she was pregnant, never to contact her again. He told her she was broken and unlovable


  • Within 4 days she was inviting me on vacation with her and her daughter, but I couldn't due to work commitments


  • 2 weeks after speaking to her, she brought up marriage, first asking what my dream wedding would be like (surprisingly the exact same thing as hers)


  • 2 Months after first talking I flew out to meet her, she actually picked up a marriage license the first couple of days I was there but I backed down, it just felt too quick. However, I knew how much she wanted to get married so I did propose, expecting a date to be set a couple of years into the future. Her and her mother decided 6 months was a good time and started wedding planning immediately


  • Little arguments started over the silliest of things, mainly because I didn't seem as "interested" as she was in a quick marriage. The truth of it, everything was happening way too fast


  • A month later, I asked if we could slow things down because I needed space to think things through. Red flags were going off everywhere and I needed to process everything going on. She took that as a rejection and a week later flew out to my country to talk to me face to face.


  • I explained how I was feeling and that I was scared things were going too fast and just wanted to slow them down a little. She said she understood and although we used protection, she got pregnant during that trip. That's when I found out exbf also got her pregnant using protection too. She blamed it on fate


  • She decided that although I had asked to slow things down, she wanted to get married before baby started showing and I agreed




So basically, 6 months from first speaking to her to being married with baby on the way. Also, the wedding we had both initially talked about was nothing like the wedding we actually had. I always wanted to get married on a beach with close family and friends around. We ended up married at a lavish exclusive location with over 200 guests, orchestra, separate musicians and so on, cost almost $100k compared to the $20k we had budgeted for.

2 years after the wedding, she filed for divorce because "we love each other" and had already started making moves mirroring a colleague of hers who is also going through a divorce as well as contacting an ex boyfriend who she abandoned when he started having personal difficulties in his own life to fill the gap.

Just like you Bach, I never realised how crazy everything was while I was enmeshed but just reading through that now it is astounding that I went along with it out of what I believed was love. Out of all the guests at our wedding, not a single person from my side showed up because they also saw major red flags and decided it was too crazy for them.
Logged
clairedair
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #14 on: June 15, 2013, 06:32:41 AM »

Mine started to want to get married a couple weeks in the relationship. It would make sense that pwBPD  would attempt to get married fast in an attempt to prevent and/or alleviate the fear of abandonment.

Around the time of our divorce, I re-read some letters from my exH from nearly 30 years ago.  One letter, written just after we got engaged, said something along the lines of him feeling safer now that "you are mine".  Reading it years later gave me a bit of a chill.   In our case, we didn't marry quickly as we were both young when we met.  I see his recent quick marriage as a way to ensure that current partner can't just up and leave him once the 'honeymoon' period is over -so he's having a real honeymoon!  I'd like to think it's the 'real thing' for them both but it all happened so soon after our final break-up.  Things had not been good for some time but surely you can't get over a long-term marriage in weeks and be in a healthy relationship immediately?

Anyone who attaches to a BPD has some learning in their future - in time you will find your reason - if you wanna move on! Smiling (click to insert in post)

One of the benefits of ex's marriage is that I have been much more able to learn about my role in the relationship because he's been totally distracted and detached this time.  Work with T has been scary but enlightening!  And I very much hope will mean a healthier future for me.

Logged
woofbarkmeowbeep
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 97


« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2013, 11:56:17 PM »

my exBPD was engaged to another person merely weeks after we broke up and days after they met.  They planned to get married in 3 weeks but everyone around them convinced them not to.  They are set to be married in 6 months or so.  Seems pretty rushed to me. 
Logged
me757
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174


« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2013, 12:52:49 AM »

In my experience yes... . My uBPDex got engaged 3 months after we broke up and then married at a courthouse 2 months after that and now is freaking out about the actual wedding in 2 months. Even though she is basically telling me she misses me and is already devaluing the guy like crazy, like some one pointed out, I think she loves the attention from the marriage/wedding planning... . but once real life happens and the attention goes away... . i see it all ending. she already told me half joking that "ill be a good second husband"... . Must. Stay. Away.
Logged
Murbay
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2013, 01:03:39 AM »

me757, mine decided overnight that we would get divorced on the basis that we loved each other so much, that it wasn't our time just yet and that we might get married again in the future just like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.

Enmeshed in the relationship, I actually saw that as acceptable. However, on the outside, it just seems completely insane. The worst part about it, I have sat there and defended her logic to friends, family and even her/my T when they have all tried to tell me she is insane and living in a completely different world.

I can't believe I actually told my T that I thought she was the sane one and that I was the one with an issue because at times I couldn't see her perception  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
cska
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 293


« Reply #18 on: June 16, 2013, 01:05:05 AM »

I never realised how crazy everything was while I was enmeshed but just reading through that now it is astounding that I went along with it out of what I believed was love. Out of all the guests at our wedding, not a single person from my side showed up because they also saw major red flags and decided it was too crazy for them.

Yes, for some reason when I was in the relationship, I could never realize just how insane it really was. And it took me a great deal of time and effort to appreciate this insanity for what it really was. Its almost as if I needed to have an out of body experience and look at everything from the outside looking in to see the reality of the situation.

Its shocking to what degree your judgement can be clouded when you are enmeshed and caught up in the BPD whirlpool. Very shocking... . I ignored such huge red flags... . My judgement was so clouded. I like to think of myself as being temporarily colorblind and unable to see the "red" flags... . Why? What the hell is wrong with me?

This experience had a profound impact on me because it demonstrated that our perceptions of the world can be so misleading. I think I need to work on myself to build an inner core that will keep me grounded, to prevent me from being caught up in the BPD dance in the future.
Logged
Murbay
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #19 on: June 16, 2013, 01:20:17 AM »

I think I need to work on myself to build an inner core that will keep me grounded, to prevent me from being caught up in the BPD dance in the future.

The good news is that you have already started that journey just by being here cska so you are many steps ahead 

I know why I chose to ignore the insanity. Everybody who met my ex from a healthy perspective saw the complete picture. They viewed her from the outside inwards so saw she was controlling, demanding, abusive, highly illogical at times and quite toxic.

On the other hand, because of my nature, I was the desperate person she was inside that was pleading to be rescued and was quite shocked that nobody else could see that. It meant I bypassed all the red flags because I'm a rescuer and she was someone who desperately wanted to be rescued. Even to the point of marrying her 6 months after meeting her and even having serious discussions about it before I even met her.

The insights my T has given me have been truly amazing. He once asked if I saw a lion on the plains of Africa that had a broken leg would I go over to try and help that lion? Animals feel pain too, if it doesn't get help it can't hunt, if it can't hunt it could die so natural response would be to help something in pain. He explained that regardless of it's situation and what it's feelings are, it is still a lion and it would still destroy you if you got too close, more so because it was in pain and fighting for survival. He said my ex is no different and that any time I feel like reaching out to help her I have to think of her as that lion because even though I see through to the pain and suffering inside, I have to view the whole picture and see her for what she is.

Logged
Hurtbad
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 75


« Reply #20 on: June 16, 2013, 01:30:36 AM »

Welcome.  I am repeating some of my story here so you will realize how common this is.  Also, how we all seem to have ignored red flags.  First to the heart of the matter.  My live in, committed girl friend of three years, broke up with me on a Monday and flew out on Wednesday to sleep with another guy she met on Facebook. It is an endless pattern that I did not realize until I joined this site. She said when she came back that she had deep feelings for him.  It is horrible, painful, even devastating.  I sometimes till don't believe it, but it happened.  The good news is that you do get better. The other good news is this website.  it has done more for me than my T, friends and family.  I am by no means out of the woods, but doing much better; and while I am not NC... . we have been friends for years... . I have much less contact than I did.

Another day, if you want, I will list the red flags.  You will think I am crazy for staying as long as I did.

In summary, yes them marry, hook up, move on and at the speed of light.  You will find that they did it with you too.  It is how they cope.

Welcome, we are all here.
Logged
VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 549



« Reply #21 on: June 16, 2013, 02:52:15 AM »

We were living together three months after we met. Married and bought a house within a year. Within that year the first problems started, but it was another ten years before we broke up.
Logged
jdcthunder14
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 137



« Reply #22 on: June 17, 2013, 02:48:58 PM »

Mine wanted a $8000 ring 4 months into our relationship... . I said not so fast (thank goodness.)  I couldn't afford that anyway... . and she knows it!

She replaced me after 14 months and was pregnant within 6 weeks with a new guy (I am sure a planned thing on her part.)

I know implusive type behaviors are part of the disorder and maybe a way for them to feel more comfortable about abandonment etc.
Logged
apple
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 151



« Reply #23 on: June 17, 2013, 03:05:28 PM »

Mine wanted a $8000 ring 4 months into our relationship... .

That sounds familiar... . Mine had to have a 9000.00 dollar ring... . The $4500.00 rings I could afford weren't good enough.  knowing I couldn't afford 9000.00 on a ring, she told me she wanted to pay for half of it.

It was all about the show.
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #24 on: June 17, 2013, 03:42:20 PM »

A childlike expectation of unrealistic fantasies and impulsive decisions that fly in the face of consequences and reality seem to be common.  It isn't a female or make thing - its BPD thing.

When disappointment sets in when meeting these earmarks - marriage, baby, house - don't alleviate the core issues (the emotional instability, abandonment fears, anxiety, depression) then there's black and white reactions.  It must be a bad marriage and its over because the person isn't feeling awesome or fulfilled totally.  All or nothing.  

It's a longstanding pattern that is pervasive - so you'd see it often and probably in theory other relationships.  It's not the one off incidents - where you breakup and they get married eventually to someone- though 3 months is pretty quick.  It's the push pull, the person recounting this pattern with others, you experiencing these cycles. 

It isn't about the rings or the baby or the marriage, its about something deeper. A depth of need that none of these things can fulfill.  It takes awhile to realize this - you keep throwing things a bottomless well having an equally unrealistic expectation this will make them happy when if they have BPD its probably not the case.  

The disorder is an equal opportunity destabilizer of relationships.  It feels very personal - it really isn't though its way a person copes and approaches the world.  It runs counter to what most people would expect or do in a relationship.

Keep moving forward - there's a lesson in this for the future.
Logged

ScotisGone74
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #25 on: June 17, 2013, 08:15:32 PM »

Thanks for that posting Green Mango, it was very insightful.   At their very core BPD's hate themselves/life no matter what show or disguise they put on.  If they are not happy with themselves , how could they ever be happy with anything we do for them?  They are looking to fullfill themselves fully from other people/things, when the only one that can ever fullfill them is themselves.   
Logged
Rameses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 106



« Reply #26 on: June 17, 2013, 08:23:42 PM »



expos... . all I can say is WOW!... . that was a great post... . straight forward... . honest... . it almost sums up the whole BPD dance in a few short sentences.

I`m gonna print this one and carry it with me... . Bravo expos... . and thanks
Logged

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.~ Thomas Jefferson
elessar
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 391


« Reply #27 on: June 17, 2013, 08:24:54 PM »

yes yes yes yes yes!

except some might rush into it and get married, and some might keep pulling back at the last moment again and again and again.

but from my personal experience... . marriage is all she ever wanted and 10 yrs later she is unmarried (will be 29 in a couple of days)
Logged
MovingOn311

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #28 on: June 17, 2013, 08:45:57 PM »

Exactly my scenario when I married my ex-BPD wife.

Intensely fast courtship in early February 2008, shopping for a ring in early September 2008, proposed to her in October 2008, married in May 2009, new cars in June 2009, brand new house in July 2009, puppy dog in August 2009, devalued and no sex beginning in December 2009, separated March 2012, divorced November 2012.

The courtship, the engagement, wedding are all intensely great times for a BPD.  They are the center of attention... . it's all about them in EVERY SINGLE WAY.  Once the real life sinks in, and no more checkpoints to cross are in sight, they hit the lows and they start hating everything.  Expect your ex to hate her husband once reality arrives.

I specifically remembered my wife crying at the end of our honeymoon in the Virgin Islands.  I asked her why... . and she said "I didn't want it to end... . "  The real meaning what that the whirlwind of attention she was getting was coming to a close.  I looked at her like she was crazy.

I called it her "timeline."  Kids were next on the list for her A YEAR INTO OUR MARRIAGE and I told her "no" because we were rarely intimate.  Then our relationship crumbled because she wasn't hitting the checkpoint on her timeline of achievements.

So yes, they rush into things fast without thinking it through.  They never sit and reflect on the good and bad decisions they make... . it's all impulsive and what's next? what's next? what's next? what's next?  They never sit in the moment... . it leads to too much anxiety... . they need constant forward momentum and attention to survive. 

Wow

My life exactly with my uBPDxw.  Couldn't possibly hit home any closer.  Kind of scary to be honest.

My ex was the same about the "timeline of events".  I would always ask her, "Where is this book of life your reading?" in the aspect of us having to be at specific points in our lives at a certain age.  

We got engaged in our late 20's, while I was attending college.  I didn't end up going to college after high school as I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do at the time and wasn't really thinking about my future, but the thought was really hitting me hard around 25 which is when I met my ex.  We got serious, she was driven, and I decided I wanted to better myself as well.  So fast forward to my late 20's, I mentioned to her that I wasn't comfortable about getting married until after I finished school.  At this point, we were already engaged over a year and she would tell me that "according to etiquette, couples should only be engaged for a year", which would prompt me to ask the question again, "where is this book of life your reading".  So me, not sticking to my boundaries, agreed to get married.  At the time, I was going to school full time and working full time as well.  You think she would realize this and have some compassion, but looking back, obviously this was all about her and about the attention she was about to bask in.  So we get married, and as life goes on after marriage, normal life starts to settle in.  

Well, normal life is not something that people with BPD can handle obviously and this is where it all started to go downhill.  8 months after we got married, the arguing started and just kept going downhill.  Started complaining about the chores of the house, how we should be already settled in our lives at this age financially, how I should have went to college earlier in life so we could be living in our dream house, how I don't pay enough attention to her, I don't find her attractive, never want to go out with her to meet her friends, etc.   I realize now that they have the bottomless pit of insecurity which can never be filled.  

I look back at it now being almost a year out and just laugh to myself because of how ridiculous some of the stuff that was said to me.  Total left field comments.  They are the poster child for making mountains out of mole hills in the way they perceive everything surrounding them.  

Logged
elessar
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 391


« Reply #29 on: June 18, 2013, 11:55:23 AM »

I called it her "timeline."  Kids were next on the list for her A YEAR INTO OUR MARRIAGE and I told her "no" because we were rarely intimate.  Then our relationship crumbled because she wasn't hitting the checkpoint on her timeline of achievements.

That hit a nerve for me. The "timeline" and the "checkpoint". "I needed to be married by this age. I wanted to have 2 kids before 30" (she will turn 29 in 3 days and trying to find a husband but says she can't make emotional connection with anyone because she still loves me). It was always about checkpoints. The fact that she hasn't hit any of them is making her even more desperate to get married to someone asap.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!