not sure what this means

[byasliver]

Things have been a mixed bag concerning my H lately: several backsteps but some progress, too. Mostly the progress has been with me: I am much more detached now, sticking to boundaries, and feeling free of FOG. Yesterday, I gave him his Father's Day gift because he will be going out of town tomorrow. It was something for him to enjoy with our son. He didn't like it and made that clear but later made a point to tell me he appreciated the thought. All that was fine and I went to bed with a clear mind and heart (we sleep separately). When I woke and went downstairs this morning, after a moment I realized that it looked as if someone was looking for something last night. A stack of coats was thrown to the floor in the foyer, my desk looks as if it was rifled through, some things on the kitchen counter were rearranged... . little things but add them up and it makes me uneasy. And I can't figure out why it makes me uneasy. My H (in a "normal" state) wouldn't have left those coats on the floor. My DD that's home this weekend wouldn't have either. H is still asleep (it's nearly 10am but that's normal for him lately) but my DD is also still asleep (not normal for her) but I've heard her stirring. My gut is telling me something is "off" but I can't figure out what it is. I'm not sure why I felt the need to post about this... . but it seems important. Hope it really is nothing but my gut instincts are usually right.

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope everything turns out to be ok. 

[byasliver]

Thanks, SP. I did find out what was going on. Apparently, H was looking for batteries. And now I may know why he left things in such a mess. I planned to take the gift I bought back today (H knew and seemed agreeable to that) and when I was packing it back up, our son says, "You're taking that back, right? Because Daddy says he doesn't want anything from you and my sisters." S6 is very smart, observant and has an incredible memory - so good that we often joke about it. I calmly asked H if that's was he said and he snapped, "NO! I said he doesn't need anymore toys!"   After that he went to our S6 and yelled that he was going to start throwing away his toys because he of what he said to me. Then went on to yell at S6 about always asking for toys. I calmly told H that S6 was only asking about why I was returning the gift and had nothing to do with S6 asking for more toys. I was ignored but H stopped the line of yelling at S6. He just completely changed the subject and his mood. Now he's laughing and cutting up with S6. Seems like he is a bit "out of sorts"... . dysregulated, maybe?

[byasliver]

I realized later that I should have explained why the batteries were so important to my H - he has been playing an online video game for hours and hours each day. Today when I asked him why he needed batteries he said, "My computer mouse keeps using up batteries quickly. I don't know why." I said, "Um... . maybe because you are using it so much." H looked at me like I was completely crazy! I'm sure the next thing is that he will say the batteries I bought were "bad" because they keep dying so quickly.

His playing the game has been a point of issue in the past but the amount he plays has been escalating. To the point that he had an assignment due last Sunday but asked for an extension from his teacher telling her that I had been sick and that left him to deal with the house and kids. COMPLETE lie because he does virtually NOTHING around the house anymore. He doesn't know that I know about his lie.

Oh, and my T and I have talked at length about this game my H spends so much time playing. We think it is some type of attempt at self-soothing. It's a military-type game and most of my H's issues seem to start after a particularly rough year in the military. We think he feels he failed IRL but if he can succeed in this game then somehow he'll feel better. But's it's one of those online games that doesn't end - there's always another battle and, unfortunately, it does cost money to play. Money we don't really have to spend like that right now.

It seems to me that the more he seems to get his emotions under control, the less stable he is in other ways. He is really forgetful and irresponsible lately. However, he is starting to show signs of guilty feelings - last weekend when he lied to his teacher, he was super nice to me. Today, after his blow up the other night and then again today at our son, he's being super nice again. Honestly and sadly, it's just water off my back. I am glad he is starting to show the ability to recognize his actions and their affects on others but, like I said, it just seems like other problems are showing up in the place of his lack of care. It's like emotional whack-a-mole - knock one down and another pops up. I'm detached enough to not take things as personally now and I'm seeing things more realistically... . now I'm starting to take a hard look at his progress and consider if he's really improving - or just shifting issues around to make it seem that way.

[goldylamont]

byasilver, you seem incredibly intuitive. what if you took everything you felt at face value? you mention not being so much in the FOG anymore, which sounds like you are gaining awareness. and also able to detach a bit and not take things so personally more of the time. when someone is lying, and/or passive aggressive, and/or manipulative it does seem impossible to know their motives or true feelings. and this leaves you feeling confused and unsure about your own feelings and convictions. but, perhaps it's safe to say that if you are less deregulated then it's a good idea to simply trust your own gut, take your feelings at face value, and work from that perspective. from what i gather from what you've written:

**he is using the video game to self-soothe or escape

**he's using the father's day gift as a way to punish both you and your son emotionally

**your husband is just shifting issues around to make it look like he's improving when he's not.

i would just take the above three things at face value for now; since you mention that you've noticed your gut to be right lately, instead of using energy pondering or doubting the above, simply accept them as true insight from your strengthening awareness. even if later it may be slightly off, right now your instinctual gut feeling is probably the truest thing you have at your disposal. and you can always recalibrate.

so, accepting the above as truth (for now), how will this shape your actions going forward?

best wishes!   i'm sure it's a difficult situation, trust your intuitions. accept them

[byasliver]

Oh, I'm sure he was trying to punish us for the gift - because it was thoughtful and made him feel guilty - so he projected that onto us rather than face it himself. What he tries to make me feel and what I actually feel now are quite different. It honestly didn't bother me that he didn't like the gift. I took it back and used the money for something I wanted.

As for using the game for self-soothing and an escape, yes, that's exactly it. And that doesn't bother me, either. It used to but not anymore. I am worried about money but in a couple of months when the kids go back to school, I am going to find a job somewhere. I will make sure myself and the kids are okay in that respect.

Finally, as for his shifting things around to give the impression of improvement when there is none, he can only do that for so long before his house of cards begins to crash down. That's the case with all his behaviors. The money he uses will run out. His lack of true progress will begin to catch up with him in many ways. But I am doing what I need to for myself and for our kids. If he sinks, he goes down alone and it will be apparent that he did it to himself - maybe not to him but to the people it will matter to for me (courts if it goes to that extreme, family, etc.).

I have never been one to give up easily on things I care deeply about. I love dearly the man I married but the person my H is now is someone entirely different. I mean, I can't even explain how he seems like a totally different person. Even when he seems "normal" he just isn't the same - doesn't even recall things from our past. It's like the man I married got amnesia... . seriously. So I know that he eventually will either hit rock bottom and finally get help... . or reach a point of no return when I know he will never be "okay." So, for now, I just wait and pray. I've already done a ton of work on myself and will keep working on that. THAT is all I can do. Any work on him has to be done by him.