Left us for another woman but wants us to be friends

[awomanlearning]

Four weeks ago he left moved 3 and half hours away because in his words "there is no way he can forgive me for treating him badly". This is his second affair his been on two years probation for assault against me while i was pregnant with our second child now aged 4 which straighten him out for 4 years stopped drinking really was doing well that i forgot he had BPD! That was until divorce papers were given to me on a sunday morning straight after a long nightshift! He had enough of me treating him badly even though i was angry that he was to drunk to wake up at 4am to give our daughter her inhaler! He started drinking about 6 weeks ago. Our daughter has been in and out of hospital about 14 admissions over 2 and half months he only went to sit with her on one of those occassion because "he hates hospitals" Iv beg, pleaded tried to bribe this man to go back to his doctors as i could see old behaviours setting in still i didnt think BPD! It was, i thought, a great 4 years (blinks were firmly on) looking back all the classics were there.

Now he attempts to sextext me when his by "friend" during the week and wants to be friends! it our daughters 8th birthday next week he told her he will bring his "friend" with him to which i text to say he will not be bringing his "friend" to her party i its a firm no to that action. I try to keep communication to the minimum. He will be coming on friday and staying the entire week till the following monday! His new female is an old girlfriend who dumped him when he was 17 while she had 4 others on the go might BPD too who know shes already clingy, crying when he leaves and the famous I LOVE YOU has been stated marriage has been spoken about apparently by her but hey who knows.

When i told him i cant be his friend and that he needs to return a contract mobile phone i pay for he lost it swearing me, he will destroy my career and make my family hate me with personal details when i told him he can if thats what he wants to do the reply  was confusingly "stop harrassing me!" When he was packing stuff on saturday night, while the kids were awake! he told our daughter iv thrown him out when she asked why his packing!  He hasnt worked for the four years since the assault iv supported the family bought a family car which is in his name which he now has. He went to one job interview his criminal record came up he never tried again. He hardly took the children out because of one excuse or another instead his put them infront of laptops and that was their weekend while i was asleep i work weekends. During the week i did most of the day to day stuff because he didnt go out.

His now doing everything i begged him to do when he was in the family home including getting a job and going to physic no surprise its not me asking is it. He calls her mother "mom" and constantly talks about the mother as his mother his was no prize hence the disorder im assuming dad wasnt dad of the year by far lots of emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

My question is how do i draw that line in the sand with him. Unfortunatly he stays in our home all weekend to look after the children so i can keep my job to pay debt from our christmas holiday to South Africa to see his sister get married. This is taking its toll on me lack of sleep, weightloss (ok i like the weightloss), stress the classics week days im happy weekends im a huge mess i sleep on average about 8 hours out of 72 even though im on sleeping tables i cant do this anymore where do i go from here. There is loads more but i havent slept yet since yesterday only had 4 hours im all over the place.

[GreenMango]

You have kids, finances and other considerations going on too.  This isn't going to be as easy as just a breakup.  When things hit critical mass like this there are so many things to do that it can be overwhelming.  One thing at a time.

A first baby step is focus on you - getting some balance so you aren't so worn down and it will trickle down to the kids - do you have a counselor or therapist?  I might start there.  Start to develop your support system + family and friends.

Also reading the workshops here on boundaries and communication.

[awomanlearning]

Thanks for the reminder baby steps! I dont trust this man with my children iv come to the decision to leave work so that im here money will be difficult and can be worked out but my children can notbe replaced ! i will find a job that means im here when his here so i can protect them while he was packing he told my daughter within ear shot of me "Mommy has kicked daddy out" she burst into tears he knows to get to me go for my daughter because she has understanding. I dont know the answers but i know how i should be protecting my children that all that matters at this moment because i never scream, shout or have any out burst with him his targeting her he makes comments that should arouse anger in my but i pity this man i pray he finds that missing piece that makes him feel whole again thats all i hope and pray for until that happens i need and will do what i have to for my children i will be more relaxed knowing they are ok. When i talk about what his dont not a tear when i talk about the damage his doing to daughter im in floods of tears i know what is important. Im a strong woman who has been to hell fought the devil carried him out on my back patch him up and help him heal to a degree if i can do that i can do anything because that is what love is to me.

[GreenMango]

Trying to work thru the conflict with how to approach the kids is difficult.  I recommend posting on parenting too for a little guidance as you get your feet underneath you.

Be sure to make yourself a priority as you work thru this - its hard and I'm guessing he's been the focus for a long time.

Do you have a therapist?

[awomanlearning]

i will be posting on the parenting board as more issues have been brought to my attention by my daughter so that has to be priority! I dont have a therapist at the moment im just trying to sort out our safety because looking a my previous posts from 4 years ago brought me down to reality with a huge bump! He was violent to me while pregnant i need to remember what this man is capable of so have involve all and every agency available here in the uk to put in place safe guards for me and my children, if he got verbally agressive when i requested the house keys to be returned what will he do if something set him off! As it stands now i have offically resigned from work because of child protections issues which are borderline but can become a huge nightmare for my children if i dont step up and take control. So now there is no reason for him to be in our home as his friend has offered him residence when he is in the area which will allow him contact with the children. I feel like im being mean to him but i know i need to protect myself and the children i seem to feel that because he was only verbally abusive on saturday night its ok but i know better and better safe than sorry.

[eniale]

Your situation is far more complicated than my own, but after 4 mos. NC & doing very well, my ex (who said we "belonged to each other for the rest of our lives" and then broke my heart by cheating on me) emailed me "Can We Be Friends?"  I was surprised at all the emotion this brought up, since I had just read something on here by someone who was 4 mos. NC & heard their ex was getting married and said news just about destroyed them.  I thought "well, if I heard that it would not bother me, as wherever he goes, he brings himself and his problems" -- but the PERSONAL contact of the email affected me more than I thought til I cleared my mind.  I think you handled situation well, and he showed his true colors when he blew up at you after asking to be friends.  We must keep in mind that this is an illness, a mental disorder.  I wish you all the best.  Having children complicates things enormously.  Stay strong and God Bless.