MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680
Players only love you when they're playing...
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« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2013, 06:59:13 PM » |
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Hi Connect! Good job in starting to explore your own history!
Having your own a-ha! moments and insights into what makes you tick is always a good thing!
I do want to prepare you for something that might come to pass. Others can chime in here, but I will just share with you from my personal experience. I say "might" because everyone is different, even folks who have a borderline organization are still unique... . there are no cookie cutter people... .
BUT... .
In my experience, I too had some insight into why certain things my ex did bothered me so much; to be clear, they would likely bother most people, but I was taking ownership and connecting the dots about why some of his actions were so bothersome and triggering to ME... . and I too wanted to take ownership and I thought it would bring us closer and give him better insight/empathy into our dynamic... .
and like your guy, my ex was actually quite wonderfully responsive to my sharing with him! I opened up to him, exposed some vulnerable, soft underbelly stuff, and he did feel honored and closer to me for having shared a important part of myself with him. He loved that the intense focus on his stuff was off him, and on me, he did feel closer to me, ... . he liked everything about it. So all was fine... . until... .
Sigh.
He got dysregulated and used the stuff I shared with him against me. :'( OUCH!
Yup. It was NOT cool.
He took some really vulnerable stuff, and handled it really well when he was feeling 'good'... .
but then when we had the next bump in the road, OMG... . he used the information I shared with him like bullets. Basically it gave him permission to assign all blame for any and all misunderstandings to ME and only ME because my daddy left me when I was five years old so that's why I'm psycho about him flirting all the time and having emotional affairs with other women. OUCH! He taunted me, he toyed with me, he tested me, in one nauseating incident he did a really sick little fake-pantimine of me as this fragile, whiney, stupid little girl who can't do anything without falling apart (really one of the worst experiences I've ever had in my life, I was posting on this board that night just to keep from having a total breakdown). Basically, it was horrible.
So... . sigh... .
There was a period where my sharing with HIM about my personal history actually made things MUCH MUCH worse between us... . because frankly... . when he took that vulnerable stuff and used it against me (while dysregulated)... . that's when I really lost my sense of balance; I wanted to murdle that man! OMG, I have never been so hurt and pissed off before at any other human being in my whole life, not even my father... . who did in fact leave us for another woman when I was five years old! But my father never verbally tormented me about it!
So... . what I want to say is... .
BE CAREFUL.
Honestly, today, my ex would not use that stuff against me anymore and if he tried I'd have his butt out the door in a NY minute. He has come a long way. But 4 years ago? OMG... . sharing that information with him was like putting a loaded gun into the hands of an out of control kid and the worst part was, I didn't know until it was too late!
Do NOT expect your bf to have the maturity to provide a consistently safe container for really sensitive, important, personal things. Now, maybe your guy will be different, but my experience is when they go sideways and get dysregulated, all bets are off, and I've read way too many stories of others on this site being shell-shocked that the tender bits they shared with their lover in good moments got hurled at them in battle in the most disgusting manner.
If he does do that, it will be very important that you get out of the line of fire ASAP and to safety. My mistake was buying into it and I stood there and battled this crap out with him in the past, and in doing so, I really did a number on myself. If someone starts to use sensitive material in a fight as a way to hurt you... . get the H out of there, immediately. Do not stand there and argue with them, do not stand there and JADE, it will mess with your mind, it is not good for you, it will serve NO PURPOSE, get out of there if he ever starts down that road. You can go back when he's in his right mind, but do NOT stay in a room with a dysregulated person who has crap on you. Even therapists know... . do not sit there and let a crazy person into your head when they are crazy. You end it. It's bad for both of you. DO NOT GET INTO anything personal like this with him if he's even a little dysregulated... . run for the hills.
And get really strong about knowing... . that yes, you have your baggage, but you also have every right to have feelings and boundaries and limits.
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