I dont miss you anymore

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I miss certain things that we did together, but how I experienced it was much different than how you did.

I simply miss my version of the experience, NOT YOU. So many things dont add up, so many lies told.

I can not split your bad anymore... . cause your rotten to the core.

You used me whether you can help it or not.  I have my issues,  but not one of them is lying and taking advantage of someone that I am suppose to be in love with.  Your a creep and a phony.

I learned so much from you... . like how not to behave. I cant wish you well, but even if I did, I realize that my well wishes will be in vain because your pain wont end until you

stop running and start doing the work to help you get better.  You wont do this because your a vain, pompous, self righteous, lying ass.

Why did I settle?  I guess thats for me to figure out.  I feel sorry for the next girl, but im glad its not me.

The money I use to send you?  I bought a new tablet because the one you gave me was .  I bought a new gaming computer, keyboad and mouse.

I am planning a cruise for this fall, and I have been offered a job to teach English in Paris.

I am a loser?  No, you will still be in that two room apartment next year, unless you can find some poor, naive, sap like I was to pay for it while you lie and deceive her.

I look forward to her future visit to bpdfamily... . I will set her straight.

Love always,

Laelle

[laelle]

I miss certain things that we did together, but how I experienced it was much different than how you did.

I simply miss my version of the experience, NOT YOU. So many things dont add up, so many lies told.

I can not split your bad anymore... . cause your rotten to the core.

You used me whether you can help it or not.  I have my issues,  but not one of them is lying and taking advantage of someone that I am suppose to be in love with.  Your a creep and a phony.

I learned so much from you... . like how not to behave. I cant wish you well, but even if I did, I realize that my well wishes will be in vain because your pain wont end until you

stop running and start doing the work to help you get better.  You wont do this because your a vain, pompous, self righteous, lying ass.

Why did I settle?  I guess thats for me to figure out.  I feel sorry for the next girl, but im glad its not me.

The money I use to send you?  I bought a new tablet because the one you gave me was .  I bought a new gaming computer, keyboad and mouse.

I am planning a cruise for this fall, and I have been offered a job to teach English in Paris.

I am a loser?  No, you will still be in that two room apartment next year, unless you can find some poor, naive, sap like I was to pay for it while you lie and deceive her.

I look forward to her future visit to bpdfamily... . I will set her straight.

Love always,

Laelle

[Rose Tiger]

Sounding strong, Laelle.    Just because they can't see our truth, doesn't mean it isn't valid.  Paris?  Really?  Wow!  Tres bien!

[laelle]

Thank you Rose... .  

I may not be ready for a new relationship, but im more than glad to dispose of the old one.

YES! Paris... . and its a company that provides different types of training for abused women and children.  

I get to help people just like me!  They dont care if I cant speak French.

[Rose Tiger]

Peace is a wonderful thing.  All I know of Paris is the movie, Forget Paris.  And the Devil Wears Prada movie.  It looks like a beautiful city.    You would be a godsend to hurting folks, turning evil for good.  That is so wonderful.

[slimmiller]

I can not split your bad anymore... . cause your rotten to the core.

You used me whether you can help it or not.  I have my issues,  but not one of them is lying and taking advantage I am a loser?  No, you will still be in that two room apartment next year, unless you can find some poor, naive, sap like I was to pay for it while you lie and deceive her.

There are good people that do bad things (meaning we make mistakes but not on purpose) then there are bad people that do good things (meaning they do good things like love us but they do it to use us)  I tend to think BPDs fall under the latter. I know, harsh but the thought works for me at this point in my journey.

I concur with you, you are NOT  a loser. One that can self reflect and has compassion is not in that category. When we go through life with reckless abandon like a bull in a china shop with others emotions, then we are losers

Paris? Awesome place. Been there but not sure if I could live there.

[Phoenix.Rising]

The job teaching English sounds interesting!  I like your letter.  That inspires me to write one.  You are on the right path, Laelle.  You are a beautiful soul.   

[laelle]

LOL, your just bias Phoenix... . that letter was pretty damn mean... . beautiful soul   

[Phoenix.Rising]

You were getting out your feelings... . that's the point, right? 

But I am probably biased... .    

[sheepdog]

laelle, I loved your letter and I identified with some parts of it.

I hope you don't mind me asking a question here... . I don't want to detract from you and your awesome letter.  That's not what I'm hoping to do.

But, you wrote, "I have my issues, but not one of them is lying and taking advantage of someone that I am suppose to be in love with."  Yet, that is what I did to my husband (though the 'suppose to be' would be 'am' and yet you are so kind to me and have been/are helping me when I post.  I don't know - it tripped me up.

Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS on the job!  It is my dream to one day teach in another country.

And no, you are definitely NOT a loser.   

[laelle]

Sheep, sweetheart... . you made a mistake, you got caught up in situation that you should never have been in.  You were influenced by a snake charmer.

You are not an evil being... .

If you were as bad as my ex... . you would not be here right now trying to work through some terrible guilt.  You would be off flirting with everyone who will flirt with you trying to pick

another easy target.

I can tell you all day that you are not the bad person that you think you are.  You wont find peace until you are able to see that yourself.



 

[sheepdog]

Thank you for your response laelle.

[Cumulus]

Hi laelle, this is a quote I think from Anne Perry... . To me it sort of sums up some of the behaviours we dealt with.

Sloth is the desire to win without struggle, to take the lesser easier path, to reap without having sown, it deceives and begets lies because the truth is labor and pain.

Here's to the truth 

[laelle]

Thank you Cumulus,

As I tried to apply this only to my ex, I found truth in it myself.  It was seemingly a ready made relationship that fell from the heavens.  It was easier than trying to work through the failed relationship with my ex husband.  It was easier than having to deal with my own issues.  I had not earned the "love", and neither had he.  We were two idiots clinging on to each other falling off a cliff.

We were destined to die together.  We were reaping what we had sown... . nothing  We had no anchor.

[Grey Kitty]

LOL, your just bias Phoenix... . that letter was pretty damn mean... . beautiful soul   

Nope, laelle, the letter wasn't mean. It was a sincere and honest statement of your feelings.

SENDING that letter would be mean.

[laelle]

I bet you wouldnt say that if I thumped that lime off your Kitty's head? 

[Grey Kitty]

(Ducking and strapping my lime on for safety)

[laelle]

LOL, your just bias Phoenix... . that letter was pretty damn mean... . beautiful soul   

Nope, laelle, the letter wasn't mean. It was a sincere and honest statement of your feelings.

SENDING that letter would be mean.

Back early on in our relationship, I wrote a letter like that in an email... . I really wasnt going to send it.  I was just angry and trying to put the anger into words.

I accidentally sent it... . I had to grovel for weeks for him to get over it.

[Grey Kitty]

Back early on in our relationship, I wrote a letter like that in an email... . I really wasnt going to send it.  I was just angry and trying to put the anger into words.

I accidentally sent it... . I had to grovel for weeks for him to get over it.

I've been afraid of doing that. I try to compose those emails either with a blank To: field, or in a text editor because I'm terrified that I would do the exact same thing!

[laelle]

LOL, it was like a nightmare come true for me... .   You know like when you dream your in a crowd with no pants on. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I had not earned the "love", and neither had he.  We were two idiots clinging on to each other falling off a cliff.

We were destined to die together.  We were reaping what we had sown... . nothing  We had no anchor.

That's a powerful statement, and a lot of that was true for me as well.  Thanks for sharing.

[laelle]

My pleasure... . glad my blabbering helped ya 

[arabella]

Back early on in our relationship, I wrote a letter like that in an email... . I really wasnt going to send it.  I was just angry and trying to put the anger into words.

I accidentally sent it... . I had to grovel for weeks for him to get over it.

I've been afraid of doing that. I try to compose those emails either with a blank To: field, or in a text editor because I'm terrified that I would do the exact same thing!

Ahaha! YES! I do this too. I always leave the To: field blank. And I avoid saving any files on my computer because I'm afraid that I'll either: a) lose them some day in a technological mishap; or b) he'll gain access to my computer and see what I've written. Email is safely stored on a far-off server and password protected. And I use an email account he doesn't know about. I may be paranoid.

Congratulations again, laelle! You're quite obviously not a loser - you have SO much going for you and it just keeps improving now that you've ditched the leech! I'd take out the "love always" at the end though. Maybe something more along the lines of "Adios dirtbag"?

[laelle]

LOL Arabella, It sounds like your nasty emails are locked up tight inside the CSIS! 

Good for you!  Some personal thoughts are just too personal to share.

The love always was suppose to be symbolic for how he could say such horrible things about me, and then say he loved me. 



Thank you for not voting me into the loser of the year club!  I would rather be in the waffle of the month club.

[arabella]

Mmmm... . Belgian waffles... . *drool*

The love always was suppose to be symbolic for how he could say such horrible things about me, and then say he loved me. 

Then I think I'd go with "Love you too," - heh!

Oh, and I wouldn't trust CSIS with my grocery list, nevermind anything important.

[laelle]

I was at a restaurant yesterday that had waffles.  I was good and ordered fish.

Ok, so now im off to eat some strawberry pie... .   At least its fruit. 

[arabella]

I consider pie to be health food. All that fruit HAS to be good for me, right?

You might want to add icecream. It's important to get enough calcium in your diet.

[laelle]

I wish I could agree with you, but part of my surgery involved me not getting nutritional benefit from food.  I have to take vitamins to replace it.

So fruit and ice cream for me = only sugar  :'(

[arabella]

And fibre! And, well, it's delicious! Don't underestimate the psychological benefits of pie. 

[laelle]

LOL, having a slice now.  Pretending its salad! 

[whirlpoollife]

Not to take away the enjoyment of a good pie, your letter is powerful, to be read over a few times. If you don't mind I'm going to print it for for my own collection of reading/healing.