need help understanding

[clover528]

I left my BPD ex before finding that BPD was even a possibility. There was verbal abuse and threats of violence. Over the last three years, he has had many other woman in his life. Yet, he maintains I could have changed it all if I had only come home. He maintains his undying true love for me. He says he has only ever loved me in his lifetime. Even now as he is living with another woman he says these things to me. Im confused? Insight?

[paul16]

Put yourself in the woman that he's with shoes. Why waste your time? If he can say thing like that to you, and God knows what to her, he is at least a sociopath. Regardless of what other disorders plague him.

Be safe and protect yourself. Steer clear and leave him to his own devices. Trying to save him could be very dangerous to you.

[mango_flower]

Actions speak louder than words, unfortunately.

My ex used all the words in the book to make me believe that if I'd just fought for her, if I'd just done this, that or the other, then we could have had the beautiful life we had planned together.

It's just beyond cruel.

I don't actually know whether they believe it or not. But put yourself in their shoes, it certainly makes them feel better to think this, right?  If only the non-BPDex had done this, that, the other... . all our fault, all our fault... .

The truth is, no matter what you would have done, it would have been wrong.

My friends tell me this all the time, which helps.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, is my best friend's favourite line when we discuss my ex!

[bpdspell]

Well his actions are as clear as day. He refuses to take accountability of his treatment and abuse towards you!

I left my BPDexbf also. It has been a little over two years and he still hasn't truly let go. I believe it's the old adage of wanting what you can't have. In the meantime he still manipulates, feel entitled and finds women with the lowest of self-esteem to exploit, abuse, control and basically treat like ___.

Putting the blame on you shifts the focus of his not so nice character on you. If only you had come home?... . to what? More abuse? More threats of violence? More mistreatment? More controlling mind games and devious behavior?

Puh-lease.

BPD or not a violent person can NEVER be trusted because their actions are the truth of who they are. When they can't have you they want you just to prove to themselves that their mind games work. Please don't give him the opportunity by making it come true.

Spell

[clover528]

I think what is confusing is that, I thought once they found someone else they would move on and drop us. In the past, when he claimed undying love for me I would reply with the same feelings. I would tell him how I felt the same, etc. for several months now, I have not said it one time. I knew I couldn't be with him because I would never trust him again. I didn't want to confuse the situation as he always said I was the one pushing and pulling him. So I consistently began to say, " I don't trust you". It is so difficult when he pours on the charm. He pulls every wonderful thing about our time together out of the vault and tears at my heart. Then when I don't respond the same he goes for the kill as I call it. He will send pictures of his new girl with captions. He also uses my past hurts to reopen the  wounds. I know its the actions not the words that matter.  Thank you for the encouragement and reality check. I am really in pieces over this whole mess. These emotions are only a small part of the problems I face as a result of this relationship.

[clover528]

This is where it gets complicated. When I lived there he was addicted to drugs. This drug, was legal to purchase until not long ago. He says his rages were because of it. But I have experienced his rages since he supposedly detoxed. I still do not know if he isn't using something else. He has taken responsibility for his  actions maybe a handful of times. Only to take it all back and rage at me moments later. His threats have actually escalated since I have begun detaching and while he is supposedly clean. Im very scared of him and what he is capable of. He has said some horrible things. Done some deplorable things. He has even threatened my family. Then claimed he only ever said those things to get my attention or get me to come see him. How weird is that? I just know he isn't to be trusted. I have a rough road ahead. I fear it will get worse.

[bpdspell]

He has taken responsibility for his  actions maybe a handful of times. Only to take it all back and rage at me moments later.

Clover,

That is not taking responsibility or accountability. That is muttering the words and mimicking a few actions necessary to get us to stay. If they were truly capable of owning their behavior they would be capable of making amends and they aren't. This is why they repeat the same devastating behavior over and over again because they truly feel like they are the victims because we resist allowing them to treat us like human rag dolls. It's all manipulative, entitled and narcissistic. More importantly; it's abusive.

My BPDexbf physically assaulted me. And I believe he was higher than a kite on some kind of drug when he blindsided me. I called the police and begged him to go get help. At first he blamed me for hitting me. Then when that didn't work... . in came the incessant texts, the begging, the pleading, the I'm sorrys... . The I love you's, The I need you's... . hundreds of texts and calls... .

For three days he begged and pleaded for me to take him back and for three days I lived in total fear and isolation vacillating between loving this man, needing this man, wanting to fix him and hating myself for not being able to cut him off clean. In three days I caved and he got on his HANDS AND KNEES and apologized. We made love or so I thought. He bought me flowers and everything! The same day he brought flowers, he raged at me... . took the flowers and gave them to his mother!

So yep. They will do and say anything to keep us in their good graces but once the mask is dropped things are never ever the same. Trust your gut. It is screaming at you to protect yourself and my gut did the same thing.

And no. They cannot be trusted. My ex did all kinds of vile things like sending texts of him with other women and flaunting other women in my face... . yep... . abusers are real textbook. He texted terrorism, threats, called blocked, and even showed up to my place unannounced... . until I called the police and finally secured a restraining order.

BPD or not; this man is a sick man.

[clover528]

bpspell,

What you said you were feeling during those three days, its seems like daily for me. Im sure you have too. I too have fallen for their seduction more times than I want to admit. I understand why I have been vulnerable to him. That's another thread. I know he is dangerous. And the photos I received were of him with other women, intimately too. More than one to put it kindly. He has been very cruel in his descriptions with the photos. He is very very cruel to say the least. I consider myself lucky that he never physically assaulted me. He definitely put me in some situations where he had me convinced I was going to be hurt. The mind games he played were diabolical. I don't use that word lightly either. Wow, when I read these replies, it really gets me thinking in a different way. The hearts and flowers seem so long ago. What has been real is a lot of pain and heartache. Will I ever recover? I have so much work to do to become stronger and not allow myself to be hurt like this again. Thank you for the replies. I am so sorry for what all of you have gone through that have brought you here. What brought all of us here. Thanks again for the insight and the reality check. He cant take responsibility. He has no remorse. HE is manipulative and dangerous. He will abuse. That is who he is. I hope my saying that doesn't seem judgmental or harsh considering he is most likely very ill. I just needed to write out what he has done to me definitively. Say it out loud.

[clover528]

Something else you said BPDspell really struck a cord with me. The woman he chose and even is currently with he exploits. The one he is living with, he swears he is using because she can help him financially or with a vehicle. He has said he couldn't care if she dies. That he told he " if I cut off his right arm, he would be grateful to have the left one to hold my hand with". Then tried over and over to get me to call her and ask her what he has said.  Which was very strange to me. Why would I call another woman like that?I am not in middle school or high school.  All the while I was telling him I was glad he was moving on and with someone who could bring him some happiness.    I was telling him she wasn't a concern for me and it was as if he didn't hear me. Like I was not even speaking. He just kept saying how wrong I was, that he wasn't happy . Instead,  just using her because he had no other choice. Again... . all my fault... . like you pointed out.  Of course, I don't believe a thing he says. I am trying to be strong.

[Clearmind]

Others will fulfill his need to be needed - he is filling a void right now.

Don't try and be strong clover, feel, grieve, be angry - squashing your emotions will come back to bite you.

[clover528]

I realize I need to do all those things Clearmind. I have four young kids and am caring for an elderly family member as well. I feel like I have no choice but to be strong. When I do get a moment alone to just feel, it is tantamount. Sometimes it is only when I have a moment in the shower, but I cry. I do get angry though and haven't yet found that release. I am working on that one. Thank you for reminding me though to not push those emotions down. I really have to work on that one.   

[thisyoungdad]

I have spent 10+ months trying to understand why she would say things like "I still love you... . " and then treat me like crap. Or "I don't regret marrying you... . on our first wedding anniversary" and then two weeks later saying "I am done I want a divorce" (we had been together over 4 years and had a 2 year old then, now a 3 year old. In some cases she would be nice, and still will be nice for a week or two or a month even then it goes back to not matching up. I won't ever get it. In fact it was so bad that both attorneys and the family specialist we have for our daughter confronted her and told her she had to stop torturing me like this (they literally said this) and that if she can't be consistent she needed to simply stop contact all together. Which she has done but in a very pissy, manipulative, controlling way which is in some ways no less stressful. I have finally recently been trying to work hard to understand that I won't ever understand. It is sad, heartbreaking really, but there won't ever be any understanding to be had because she herself doesn't even fully understand. I do believe she loves me. Her actions and words don't match up 90% of the time though and like others said, the actions speak a thousand times louder than words. I just have to work hard not to get sucked into the words, and that is the detachment and healing part for me.