Why Do They Want To Remain Friends

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 4 months NC had email from ex S.O pwBPD "Can We Be Friends"  He tells me he is with someone new and it is a "serious relationship" then goes on to say "that being said, I think about you every day... . "  No doubt, he was emailing this right under her nose.  This is a pattern with him.  When I first met him, unbeknownst to me, he emailed me from home of his then S.O. and said "I love you and am thinking about you every hour."  When he was with me, again unbeknownst to me, he was emailing the woman he is with now.  What gives with this behavior?  Obviously, he is unstable.  He always needs someone "in his back pocket" and what gives with this "friendship" stuff?  He cheated on me, broke my heart, is now with his new woman, says it is a "serious relationship" then says he thinks about me every day and hopes we can have a friendship.  He even said a "close" friendship.  Anyone else experienced this?  So he has gone through same thing with 3 women in a little over a year. 

[eniale]

After 4 months NC had email from ex S.O pwBPD "Can We Be Friends"  He tells me he is with someone new and it is a "serious relationship" then goes on to say "that being said, I think about you every day... . "  No doubt, he was emailing this right under her nose.  This is a pattern with him.  When I first met him, unbeknownst to me, he emailed me from home of his then S.O. and said "I love you and am thinking about you every hour."  When he was with me, again unbeknownst to me, he was emailing the woman he is with now.  What gives with this behavior?  Obviously, he is unstable.  He always needs someone "in his back pocket" and what gives with this "friendship" stuff?  He cheated on me, broke my heart, is now with his new woman, says it is a "serious relationship" then says he thinks about me every day and hopes we can have a friendship.  He even said a "close" friendship.  Anyone else experienced this?  So he has gone through same thing with 3 women in a little over a year. 

[willtimeheal]

They want to remain friends so they always have a back up plan. My ex BPD moved in with a guy two weeks after she broke up with me. But she continues to tell me I am the one she loves and wants to be with. But she can't bare to hurt this guy. Bull. If she truly cared for this guy or me she would tell him the truth that she  has no feelings for him an  her heart belongs to someone else. But BPDs don't think like logical people. They always need to know someone will be there so your guy is just lining up his ducks. Stay away. As had  as it is you don't need friends like him. Stay NC an  let him.suck the emotional energy out  of someone else. Good luck.

[jollygreen]

I agree with will, it's a back plan. Plan B if you will. My ex BPD would have lunch every week the last 6 months of us being together. And I always felt there was something going on in my gut. Never confirmed it though but she admittedly hanged out with him a lot after our split. So I think your ex is wanting to have you there in the batters box because he is in the hater phase with the new person. Also could be to make this new girl jealous when he hangs out with you.

Possibility 2 a friend of mine got turned into friend mode and he ended up being her emotional outlet for her new guy.

Possibility 3 he wants you to be there for him in between relationships. So he might be with you for a certain amount of time till he can jump again.

Possibility 4 he honestly realizes he's an idiot for losing an amazing person like you who deserves better than him.

Sorry if some of these hurt, I'm just listing some reasons I've experienced and stories I've heard from friends. Mine tried to put me in friend zone, i new she was making me her plan B. I want to be someone's plan A.

[apple]

imo a big part of why they want or try to be friends is that in their minds they haven't done anything wrong because  they never truly acknowledged their words or actions and take accountability or responsibility.

They have a NEED to believe their own bullhit so that they can continue their version of reality.  Accepting a friendship with them without them taking accountability is enabling them to continue the pattern.

[Clearmind]

Back plan? Not so much! people with BPD live in a distorted reality - the break up means something different than you see/feel.

“Do they want to remain friends” – possibly – “they’ is a pretty universal term – some do and some don’t – not all Borderlines are the same.

However, in my case my ex did want to be friends and remains friends with all ex’s – that way it relinquishes his feelings of shame – given BPD is a shame based disorder.

“"I love you and am thinking about you every hour."  - red flag for next time! This is magical thinking said by a person who is not wanting to slow things down to really get to know who you are.

“When he was with me, again unbeknownst to me, he was emailing the woman he is with now” – really did you know?

[willtimeheal]

Friendships are built on trust. By staying friends you have stated that their treatment of you was acceptable and it was not. Granted they live in a Distorted reality but I don't think it is our job to help them see the light. By accepting a friendship you are saying their past behavior was acceptable an  it clearly was not. Stay away. You don't need friends like that. Take care of yourself yourself and your needs.

[pari]

After reading many posts in the forum I have understood that this 'Being friends' is typical BPD trait.

When my BPDex met me, he painted his ex black to get my sympathy and said things like I was the catalyst in their dying relationship. She left him after some time but he continued to tell her and me that he loves her tremendously. That it's ok to love 2 people at once, it balances the relationship. While being with me, he tried to convince me for open relationship and I refused. When things start falling apart between us, and I asked sometime off, he started seeing someone else. Still tells me that he loves me tremendously but can't be with me because we argue a lot. He wants to be with me but since I am not there and he doesn't want to be lonely, he is finding the 'close connection' with next door kid. He still messages me, sends me his pictures. Expecting what, I don't know.

I think people with BPD like the chase and they themselves are like that for their nons. They want what they can't get. And after some point, even nons realize that no matter how much they want, they can't get their BPD partners. They want to remain friends, for their emotional security that they have at least someone to bhit about their current partners and life.

[danley]

Sometimes I believe they want to be friends because they can't bear the thought of someone not liking them or accepting them. I also believe like someone here said, it relieves them of the guilt and shame they might feel for hurting or dumping you.  

My ex was the one who wanted to remain friends but after the breakup he was the most unfriendly person ever. And when I mirrored him the way he started when unfriendly, he didn't like it. I told him none of my friends would act the way he had been acting. Sometimes some people don't know how to balance their emotions and relationships at different levels. It's all or nothing to them.

[bpdspell]

After 4 months NC had email from ex S.O pwBPD "Can We Be Friends"  He tells me he is with someone new and it is a "serious relationship" then goes on to say "that being said, I think about you every day... . "  No doubt, he was emailing this right under her nose.  This is a pattern with him.  When I first met him, unbeknownst to me, he emailed me from home of his then S.O. and said "I love you and am thinking about you every hour."  When he was with me, again unbeknownst to me, he was emailing the woman he is with now.  What gives with this behavior?  Obviously, he is unstable.  He always needs someone "in his back pocket" and what gives with this "friendship" stuff?  He cheated on me, broke my heart, is now with his new woman, says it is a "serious relationship" then says he thinks about me every day and hopes we can have a friendship.  He even said a "close" friendship.  Anyone else experienced this?  So he has gone through same thing with 3 women in a little over a year.  

Only we have the power to close the door on this toxic dance for good. If your ex is with someone else you may have to cut all communication off and protect yourself with NC. IMHO BPD's don't know the meaning of friendship due to their mental illness and unstable sense of self. In many ways friendships for them are about supply and if we allow them to have room at our table it will only validate in their minds that they aren't "that bad." This in turns relieves them of some of their shame (that they aren't all that bad)... . but with friends like BPD's who needs enemies?

Eniale, your ex is being cunning and taking your temperature to see if you're willing to continue being a sucker for his empty love. And they get away with a lot of their "words" because they have a way of knowing how to say what people want to hear to get THEIR needs met. But look at his actions; there's your truth. The truth is they have a clown car of ex's and a cupboard of rainy day supply... . because they are very familiar with crash and burn and are terrified of being alone.

A lot of their behavior is driven by always having options but I personally thinks it strokes their shallow egos to count the amount of ex's they can still dangle on a hook. And BTW... . you don't have to be BPD to do this... . sometimes it's about their constant need for attention... .

Cutting off their link to supply makes the most sense here. Otherwise you'll be his personal sock puppet. This is not about punishing him as much it's about saving your sanity and accepting the fullness of his BPD. Friendships are based on mutual respect and trust and without a core identity BPD's will always come up short on integrity.

Spell

[KellyO]

My experience is that my ex-bf was very proud of being friends with his exes. It made him look good. It made him feel he had done nothing wrong and whatever was wrong in the relationship was just one huge misunderstanding. It simply gave him good feeling about himself.

Now you can be the first person to brake the cycle and make sure your ex knows there is nothing remotely like friendship going on with you two. If nothing else helps, say that you will redirect every e-mail to his new love. YOu know what... . I would actually do that. If it makes me a nasty person so be it. One day he has to learn what is acceptable and what is not. You definitely should not let him believe you are his friend.

[slimmiller]

The main thing thats a constant in a BPD or one with BPD traits is that they need to have 'space in your head' so to speak. The only other option is to paint you black. They reach out for one of two reasons or both. If you paint her black it makes it easier for her to forget you and make you the bad guy. Its her way of getting closure and makes the breakup more logical (in her mind)

The other reason is just plain the fact that she needs to know that she still has space in your head. I think down deep inside it is the way they validate their existence. It does not matter how 'bad' she looks in your head as long as she knows she is there, it gives her some twisted sense of peace of mind.

Mine always wiggled her way into me head and led my to believe that her intentions were honorable when in fact she did that right before she ran into his arms and flopped down in yet another hotel room with yet another new guy unbeknowns to me at the time. It was like she wanted to make sure that where she was running 'from' was safe, it made her feel okay with what she was doing

[Validation78]

Hey All!

As many have heard me say before, it will serve us well to minimize the questions, why do they do this or that? As Clearmind  reminds us, pwBPD operate from a distorted reality, and not only do they not all function the same way, there is little, if any logic to the behaviors exhibited by a disordered mind!

Throughout the course of our marriage, I was told over and over that I didn't treat him like a friend, and no matter what I did, it still wasn't enough! When we separated, he bemoaned the loss of a friend, suggested that we could still be friends. Now, after 5+ months of NC, carried out by me,  he has written me a send off letter saying he could never be friends with me because I am evil. Which is it? Was I your friend? Do you want me or not want me as a friend? I don't think he knows the answer to these questions, so I sure don't know!

Bottom line is, I don't care what his reasoning or motivation is. I DON'T WANT HIM AS ANYTHING. My ordered mind knows that he is bad for me in any capacity. My ability to think and act with logic has put an end to our relationship because it is healthy to have done so. I am now taking care of me, and his opinions, desires, motivations mean nothing to me!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[willtimeheal]

I know this is going to sound harsh but I am very very tired of hearing that they don't function with a logical mind or they distort reality!  Even if they do it does not minimize the pain and hurt they have caused and continue to cause.  Mental illness or not my exBPD has caused me so much pain and continues to cause me so much pain.  Why am I the one who can't sleep or eat?  Why am I the one crying all the time?  Why am I the one in therapy and reading all these self help books?  The damage mine has caused to my heart, mind, and soul is unforgivable.  It is going to take me years to recover and do I feel sorry that she will never have a solid relationship because she has BPD?  No!  There comes a time in everyones life when you have to look in the mirror and take a good look at yourself.  I am tired of hearing, they have BPD they can't do that-BULL!  My struggle is just beginning and I know it isn't even close to ending.  Even when she says it's over, it's not.  Give it about two or three weeks and there will be another text message putting that pit right back in my stomach!

[GreenMango]

Willtimeheal I'd guess you aren't the only one who can't eat or sleep - lots of members here know that feeling.  It hurts to experience this kind of stuff from someone who's supposed to care.  The site name is bpdfamily.com - bpdfamily.com - the facts about this disorder, the relationship dynamic, and how to approach moving forward in whatever path you are choosing - staying leaving undecided healing for parents, children, families or partners.

The honest to god truth - not saying its a right that this happens or the person isnt responsible for their behavior - if its BPD its a real mental illness at the core are deep attachment issues, behaviorial/coping deficits, and faulty thinking.  This is a lot of why the person comes back or wants to be friends.

There's a choice here - friends take two parties engaging (to what level and health is determined by you if you even want to friendship).  If someone who's treated you poorly approaches you to be friends again and they want to have temporary amnesia about the past its a pretty good indicator this is the norm and things aren't going to different.  You can accept it or say no thank you.  

It's really up to you - try not to let others dictate what's right for you and run amok in your life.  You'll feel better too.

Good fences make good neighbors.

[KellyO]

@willtimeheal: I hear you, and I know how you feel. I have felt that way too. It is a sign for you to put the focus on you, and not think about her, why she did whatever she did and concentrate in yourself. Keep her away from your life, and just find your way out of it. And study yourself. Learn who you are.

There is nothing you can do to make her see anything. Absolutely nothing. What she needs or doesn't need to see or do is not your problem anymore, it is her problem. If she decides to overlook it rest of her life, it is what she will do.

I have just resently begin to see how far from this reality my ex really was. It took long time for me to really begin to believe that the way his mind works is really as bizarre as it always felt. I still don't think personality disorders are sickness. But it is better to accept that they are like aliens to us, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. We keep thinking "how they can do that!" instead of accepting that there are people who do all kinds of things we never even dream of doing. I wouldn't kill anyone, yet there are people who have no problems to do it.

World is full of people who never will look at themselves in the mirror. Better accept it and find people who have no problems in doing it.

You don't have to be sorry for her. You don't have to be anything, and neither have she. Just keep the focus in yourself. That is the only way out that I know of (and that really works).

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Eniale et al.,

I think it's another ploy to keep you on the back burner and agree with those above that "friendship" means something quite different to a person w/BPD, so I don't buy it.  They only want to hear what they want to hear, and if you offer a dose of reality, in my view, you are no longer their "friend."  All black and white thinking.  Who needs it?  Rock on and don't look back,

LuckyJim

[push pull]

The truth is they have a clown car of ex's and a cupboard of rainy day supply... . because they are very familiar with crash and burn and are terrified of being alone.

Don't I know it... . she has her box of discarded toys begging her to play with them. I was the toy that escaped from the reject box, whereas many of them are likely still there.

One 'reject' (a "male friend" had been in the dark box so long, he tried to kill himself.

[Octoberfest]

The truth is they have a clown car of ex's and a cupboard of rainy day supply... . because they are very familiar with crash and burn and are terrified of being alone.

Don't I know it... . she has her box of discarded toys begging her to play with them. I was the toy that escaped from the reject box, whereas many of them are likely still there.

One 'reject' (a "male friend" had been in the dark box so long, he tried to kill himself.

I used to jokingly refer to and call my BPDex my Succubus while we dated

I wasn't far off the mark 

[GlennT]

I agree, that this is a shame-based disorder, and they ARE actually proud, and brag, when they are still friends with their ex's. Appearances mean alot to BPDs. Likewise,  ex's who were dealt a blow to their ego, will befriend the exBPD as it also can relieve their own toxic guilt and shame. I know a high functioning BPD, she is my landlady, who hires all her ex lovers for temporary work, and pays them well. They are there when she needs them, or for parties she pays for, and that's it. They know they are all her ex's, and are below her in status, all have drug addictions, and other issues, as well as she does. Sometimes, they even hook up with each other. I really think most of them are BPD and they are rotating off each other.  Her current new one, has been recently diagnosed as terminally ill with cancer, and she has been ignoring her lately. She thinks that they are empowering her, when she paints someone black, and they seem to support her, but they all talk  behind each other's backs. I've tried to remain friendly, yet non-attached, but what stress she  has been for me as my landlady, walking on egg shells. I have been saving for a home of my own, and in a couple of months, I am moving out of this hell hole!  

[willtimeheal]

Green Mango,

You are right fences make good neighbors but unfortunately for me I work with my neighbor.  So as much as I try to set healthy boundaries and keep her out of my life, I still have to see the bi**h at work.  I can avoid her and take different routes and most days will not see her but if she wants to get under my skin, she will figure out a way to see me.  And there are times where there will be NC for a week or two and I will be doing fine and then... . a text from out of the blue.  

The truth is I wish I never met her.  I wish she was never transfered to my building.  I wish she would transfer out but she won't transfer out because she wants to be by me.  And I have thought about transferring but why should I leave the building I love with the staff and people I love because of her?  Why should I leave the job I love because she is mentally ill?  

So I don't care if they are mentally ill and they have deep core issues-she is giving me deep core issues!  The one thing I can say through this relationship is that I have found out a lot about myself and she has pushed me to my limit as far as what I will take from people.  No longer will I allow people to dump crap on me or push me around.  I have found a new sense of self and I stronger in my own shoes.  

Mental illness or not it doesn't make what they do right and it isn't an excuse.  There are many many people in this world who have had horrible horrible childhoods and upbringings but they somehow fought through and found there way and don't hurt people they way BPDs do.

[Undone123]

Mines the complete opposite... . I'd really love to be friends with my ex (now)... . but i've been split so black, she can't stand me. Says things like "if you new my perception of you, you wouldn't want to talk to me"... . So she's straight up cut me out. It's her issue, I'm here for her if she wants... . But she definitely doesn't want. I am hated to my very core.

[Octoberfest]

Green Mango,

You are right fences make good neighbors but unfortunately for me I work with my neighbor.  So as much as I try to set healthy boundaries and keep her out of my life, I still have to see the bi**h at work.  I can avoid her and take different routes and most days will not see her but if she wants to get under my skin, she will figure out a way to see me.  And there are times where there will be NC for a week or two and I will be doing fine and then... . a text from out of the blue.  

The truth is I wish I never met her.  I wish she was never transfered to my building.  I wish she would transfer out but she won't transfer out because she wants to be by me.  And I have thought about transferring but why should I leave the building I love with the staff and people I love because of her?  Why should I leave the job I love because she is mentally ill?  

So I don't care if they are mentally ill and they have deep core issues-she is giving me deep core issues!  The one thing I can say through this relationship is that I have found out a lot about myself and she has pushed me to my limit as far as what I will take from people.  No longer will I allow people to dump crap on me or push me around.  I have found a new sense of self and I stronger in my own shoes.  

Mental illness or not it doesn't make what they do right and it isn't an excuse.  There are many many people in this world who have had horrible horrible childhoods and upbringings but they somehow fought through and found there way and don't hurt people they way BPDs do.

You are already worlds ahead of where she is .

No, it doesn't make it right.  But for me it differentiates them from people who are actively mean hearted people who hurt others for the joy of it, and those who hurt people as a side product of their methods of survival.  I don't hate my ex.

[mcc503764]

I think it's really simple... . to ease THEIR guilt!  nothing more, nothing less.  If you couldve remanined "friends," then chances are you BOTH wouldve had the skills to make the r/s work!

And since this is probably the most unreciprocated relationship that you will ever encounter, being "friends" is just their way to justify in their own minds that they are "good people."

I am not trying to appear better than anyone, however, I REFUSE to let mine off the hook that easily!  She caused a great deal of PAIN to me and my family, and that is NOT OK with me!  I feel that by agreeing to a "friendship" with mine, sends her the message that it is ok to treat me like ___? and she will continue to do so as long as I allow her to!

She doesnt have the skills necessary to be a friend anyhow, in my experience!

just my opinion

MCC

[Octoberfest]

I think it's really simple... . to ease THEIR guilt!  nothing more, nothing less.  If you couldve remanined "friends," then chances are you BOTH wouldve had the skills to make the r/s work!

And since this is probably the most unreciprocated relationship that you will ever encounter, being "friends" is just their way to justify in their own minds that they are "good people."

I am not trying to appear better than anyone, however, I REFUSE to let mine off the hook that easily!  She caused a great deal of PAIN to me and my family, and that is NOT OK with me!  I feel that by agreeing to a "friendship" with mine, sends her the message that it is ok to treat me like ___? and she will continue to do so as long as I allow her to!

She doesnt have the skills necessary to be a friend anyhow, in my experience!

just my opinion

MCC

It's interesting... . It is sounding like it is pretty common place that pwBPD have relationship histories a mile long with countless exes and former partners.  My BPDex slept with around 30 guys before me and "dated" someone continuously since she was 15 (I we met at 21). On top of that she was married briefly at 19, had it annulled, and has been in all sorts of "abusive" relationships. Dated a 30 year old drug dealer when she was 17. Logic says that something is amiss.  There is a reason she has the awful past with guys that she does.  She isn't just "unlucky". Her strategy throughout has been to run from her problems and hope that changes in scenery (she is on her third college) or people (both friends and relationship partners) will solve her problems and make it all work.  Sadly, she is going to be running for a long time.

[mcc503764]

[/quote]
Her strategy throughout has been to run from her problems and hope that changes in scenery (she is on her third college) or people (both friends and relationship partners) will solve her problems and make it all work.  Sadly, she is going to be running for a long time.[/quote]
No matter where they run... . they cant outrun themselves!

[apple]

My ex would try to talk to me whenever I was on the phone with my kids. She always wound up on the phone boo whoo-ing about one thing or another. I realized this and stopped replying to her. You could say I have completely shut down in regards to her as I will not let her use me as an emotional tampon.

[mcc503764]

I LOVE that metaphor!

[IamDevastated]

I have just resently begin to see how far from this reality my ex really was. It took long time for me to really begin to believe that the way his mind works is really as bizarre as it always felt. I still don't think personality disorders are sickness. But it is better to accept that they are like aliens to us, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. We keep thinking "how they can do that!" instead of accepting that there are people who do all kinds of things we never even dream of doing. I wouldn't kill anyone, yet there are people who have no problems to do it.

This is a very good point. We assume that the pwBPD thinks like us especially because they are also mirroring us in the beginning. And then when the ugly truth starts to emerge we can´t put our head around it.

But just as you say: They really are a different breed. It is indeed helpful to realize once and for all that their brain is wired very differently than ours.

[IamDevastated]

My ex would try to talk to me whenever I was on the phone with my kids. She always wound up on the phone boo whoo-ing about one thing or another. I realized this and stopped replying to her. You could say I have completely shut down in regards to her as I will not let her use me as an emotional tampon.

Priceless

[push pull]

She tried to relegate me to the friendzone with all of her other emasculated guy friends who she 'defeated'. But I wasn't sticking around to be her crutch while she simultaneously started dating someone else and poured more salt onto the wound . I saw that one coming and intercepted it, which frustrated her deeply.

The lack of empathy is staggering beyond words, but I guess that's down to emotional arrested development. There can be no other explanation.