One step forward... Two steps back

[thinkingthinking]

I had all finances in order, was organized, and felt like progress was made in mediation.  I thought we were at the final stages of the divorce, when dBPDh decided that he would not pay the child support that was calculated by the state.  Thursday, he called multiple times, stating that I made more money than him, and asking what I needed the money for.  For awhile, I considered just telling him to forget it... . I would take care of the kids. But I just feel like he should contribute to the kids' expenses as their dad. He has a decent income now, and has historically wasted so much money gambling, drinking, buying.  So when I stood my ground and told him I would not drop the child support from the stipulation, he said he would be asking for spousal support and that I could count on a long legal process.  *sigh*  Of course, my goal has always been to settle out of court as soon as possible.

Two days later, he is crying and apologizing.  It is so stressful to go back and forth between being called a "b----" for stating that child support would help with school expenses, clothing, etc, and then have him crying on the other end of the phone line telling me how sad and sorry he is.  The back and forth makes me feel crazy, and like the divorce could be over in a month, or could go on for another year or more!

[livednlearned]

You are probably going to have a long legal process no matter what you do, so stick to your principles and do what is right for you and your kids. I have found that it's best to have strong goals, and make those my compass points. I have had to change my strategy, and my tactics, but my goal has been the same all along.

Also, the stress you're feeling is something you have control over. If talking to him causes you stress, then stick to email. You are divorcing now. The crazy is something you can contain. Put all your newfound strength into setting boundaries and being assertive, and the crazy will start to be slighting irritating instead of something that drags you to hell and back.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? That might help you understand what it means to be in a high-conflict divorce. Highly recommended. 

[ForeverDad]

Be prepared whatever the outcome of each step.  Maybe you can settle the issues and proceed.  If so, good, do Plan A.  If not, you'll move on to the court's next step on the checklist of things to get done which means more appearances, delays, filings, preparation, etc.  Accept that you have to select Plan B, C, D, or whatever fits the circumstances and needs.

So be prepared for his ever-changing moods.  Maybe you can get everything done at a time his mood is more accepting and less obstructive.  Maybe not.  Most of us have found that many issues get settled just before Trial Day.  Don't be surprised that after months of delay, demands, etc that the day before (or minutes before) the court hearing he settles.

My divorce, from filing to final decree, was nearly two years.  I was consistently blacklisted so the one constant in my case was obstruction, allegations and delay.  But when I walked into the court house on Trial Morning minutes before trial was to start, I was greeted with the news she was finally ready to settle.  She could delay no longer.  If my court house had steps, I'd quote the old saying, "we settled on the court house steps".

So don't despair, most likely he will end up settling - eventually.  But if he doesn't, it's entirely possible the judge will make decisions as good as or better than what you would have settled for in a settlement.