Parenting plan- are we breaking any rules?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just need to bounce this off you guys as I am sure many of you have had similar experience.  We are in the middle of the eval, so I want to make sure we are not breaking any rules.

child was in Ballet all year, BPD mom made us go to court so that child could participate in end of year performance.  That finally happened and is behind us.

Summer started and for the last two months we have been asking if we can renew her for ballet for the Summer program, we also asked if we could do a camp.  BPD mom has ignored all of these requests, no answer at all. 

The parenting plan says they have 50/50 on all extracurricular activity decision making so with her agreeing, we can't renew.

But it goes both ways.

BPD mom asked dad if she can sign child up for a sports program on her days.  Gave us the name of the school, location and everything.  Asked him to agree.  Dad agreed.  But mom still ignored his requests for programs on his days.

Sign up for the program she wanted was on June 17.  Space is limited and it fills up fast.  We had child on Jun 17-19 and the whole time she kept saying "I REALLY hope mommy called!  If she didn't call, they might run out of spaces"

BPD's last email to dad was "Please agree, I would like to get her signed up ASAP as space is filling up fast"

I don't think mom realized that I already called the school and we knew open enrollment was not until June 17th.  Dad emailed her prior to the 17th and agreed.

In the past, Mom would tell child that "Because daddy didn't agree fast enough there was no spaces left." and make it his fault.

SO, here is the part I'm unsure about.  Given her history, I waited until Friday and called the school to make sure BPD called and signed up child since she got child so amped about it.  Child was not in system, mom did not sign her up and the days she has her were pretty much full.  As luck would have it, they did still have openings at the same day of the week and time that we were doing ballet every week.  So, since that is the only thing Mom would respond about and that was her suggestion, we went ahead and signed child up.

So, my question after all of that.  Are we breaking any rules?  Since the activity and location and everything was all mom's idea, and we have all of the emails where she is asking us to agree, do we HAVE to tell her that we signed child up in advance of her attending?  Are we breaking any rules of the parenting plan by not telling her?

Mom has a history of destroying things if child has not attended yet, she has called the doc before an appt we made to say all kinds of crazy stuff to the doc before we go in there, etc.  It is like she is only happy when the child does things as long as she is sure she has made "first contact" and laid the groundwork with her stories of "court orders" and "History of abuse" etc.   So we are more comfortable not telling her in advance, but I want to be sure we don't we are not breaking any rules. 

It is a bit of a gray area, because I know her intention when she asked us was for her to be the one to sign child up for her days, but as usual, she dropped the ball, so we just picked up the slack.

Thoughts?  I just don't want this to turn into another court battle.

[hell0kitty]

I just need to bounce this off you guys as I am sure many of you have had similar experience.  We are in the middle of the eval, so I want to make sure we are not breaking any rules.

child was in Ballet all year, BPD mom made us go to court so that child could participate in end of year performance.  That finally happened and is behind us.

Summer started and for the last two months we have been asking if we can renew her for ballet for the Summer program, we also asked if we could do a camp.  BPD mom has ignored all of these requests, no answer at all. 

The parenting plan says they have 50/50 on all extracurricular activity decision making so with her agreeing, we can't renew.

But it goes both ways.

BPD mom asked dad if she can sign child up for a sports program on her days.  Gave us the name of the school, location and everything.  Asked him to agree.  Dad agreed.  But mom still ignored his requests for programs on his days.

Sign up for the program she wanted was on June 17.  Space is limited and it fills up fast.  We had child on Jun 17-19 and the whole time she kept saying "I REALLY hope mommy called!  If she didn't call, they might run out of spaces"

BPD's last email to dad was "Please agree, I would like to get her signed up ASAP as space is filling up fast"

I don't think mom realized that I already called the school and we knew open enrollment was not until June 17th.  Dad emailed her prior to the 17th and agreed.

In the past, Mom would tell child that "Because daddy didn't agree fast enough there was no spaces left." and make it his fault.

SO, here is the part I'm unsure about.  Given her history, I waited until Friday and called the school to make sure BPD called and signed up child since she got child so amped about it.  Child was not in system, mom did not sign her up and the days she has her were pretty much full.  As luck would have it, they did still have openings at the same day of the week and time that we were doing ballet every week.  So, since that is the only thing Mom would respond about and that was her suggestion, we went ahead and signed child up.

So, my question after all of that.  Are we breaking any rules?  Since the activity and location and everything was all mom's idea, and we have all of the emails where she is asking us to agree, do we HAVE to tell her that we signed child up in advance of her attending?  Are we breaking any rules of the parenting plan by not telling her?

Mom has a history of destroying things if child has not attended yet, she has called the doc before an appt we made to say all kinds of crazy stuff to the doc before we go in there, etc.  It is like she is only happy when the child does things as long as she is sure she has made "first contact" and laid the groundwork with her stories of "court orders" and "History of abuse" etc.   So we are more comfortable not telling her in advance, but I want to be sure we don't we are not breaking any rules. 

It is a bit of a gray area, because I know her intention when she asked us was for her to be the one to sign child up for her days, but as usual, she dropped the ball, so we just picked up the slack.

Thoughts?  I just don't want this to turn into another court battle.

[ForeverDad]

My take?  You're probably okay.   Yes, she still will probably pound the drums and complain endlessly, her actions and reactions are somewhat out of your control.

Is there a possibility for the activities to be expanded (not switched) to include some of BioMom's days?  As in, "you can take her too if you wish on your days, just pay the difference in fees, if any."

Yes, BioMom refused (ignored) agreement regarding the ballet but then she wanted similar agreement from Dad for something she wanted.

Yes, she could complain, she could even file Contempt of Court, but I seriously doubt a judge would find contempt for Dad adding two extracurricular activities when BioMom only asked for one.  And if she complains to court (don't fret over her predictable threats to you and DH) that he made it for his days, her days were filling up*, she didn't even apply for the activity she wanted).

The problem is that she could again attempt or threaten to block child's involvement on her parenting days.  In such case, if you do end up in court again, make clear to the judge that BioMom can't share, can't cooperate and you want a suitable solution (decision-making or some alternative other than filing in court every time) to avoid repeated conflict and impasses for child's benefit in the years to come.

Edit:  Avoid being too forthcoming and spare yourself the pain of being too informative.  Rather than say it was 'filling up' just go ahead and say her days were 'filled'.  (As in, no one can document what you were specifically told, now the exact status across the board when you and DH stepped in.)  Likely you never got 'proof' they were or weren't full at any given time and she may not be able to get records to contest that.

[DreamGirl]

I would tell her - but only because I think it's important to keep the other parent informed.

I also wouldn't try and manipulate the situation out of fear of what her reaction might be (I know - so much easier said then done). She's gonna find out - and she's proven that she's OK with pulling her out of an extra-curricular.

The response I might send:

I called to get the schedule for SD's camp that we agreed to sign her up for. The clerk said she wasn't in the system - so I went ahead and signed her up so she wouldn't lose a spot. Hopefully she isn't signed up twice, so if you already signed her up - let me know and I can call them back.   

Here's a copy of the schedule.

Thanks,

Mr. hell0kitty

[hell0kitty]

Actually it benefits her in the way that if she did decide to use the facility, we have already paid the initial sign up fee so she would only have to pay for the days she wanted to use it.  The issue being that she waited so long, that the days she has D7 they have extremely limited availability.  But yes, if there were times available on her days, she could take her too and it would be cheaper.

I really don't think she was ever planning to follow through with her promise, I think this was her way to "Pay us back" for the ballet stuff and to make dad look like the bad guy for a change.  Like he was the one standing in the way of her being able to do something since it is always mom who is the one doing that. We just took that power away from her by following up and making sure that one way or another the child gets what was promised her.

She has been very hell-bent on trying to pick away at the bond between father and child especially since she got married a few months ago to this guy she just started dating.  I think her new baby will also be the "replacement sibling" in her mind for the child we just had.  Meeting this man, getting pregnant and getting married has all occurred immediately after I Gave birth 9 months ago.  It is like she got a "Just add water instant family" in response to me having a child. And her alienation efforts have quadrupled.  She is now having the new husband attend all pick ups and drop offs, sometimes it is just him.  Where she would have lost her mind if I was ever just the one doing the pick ups or drop offs.  The child told us a few days ago that the new step dad "HAS to spend a lot of time with her because Mama said so" and now he is the full time babysitter because he lost his job almost immediately after they got married.

D7 says that he doesn't really seem to like kids very much and he never really talks to her.  From what I've heard from friends that I have that know him, he is very depressed and feels very overwhelmed by all of this because this woman he barely knew got pregnant and they only got married because he wanted to do the right thing and it was the only way he could stay in the country.

[DreamGirl]

She has been very hell-bent on trying to pick away at the bond between father and child especially since she got married a few months ago to this guy she just started dating.  I think her new baby will also be the "replacement sibling" in her mind for the child we just had.  Meeting this man, getting pregnant and getting married has all occurred immediately after I Gave birth 9 months ago.  It is like she got a "Just add water instant family" in response to me having a child. And her alienation efforts have quadrupled.  She is now having the new husband attend all pick ups and drop offs, sometimes it is just him.  Where she would have lost her mind if I was ever just the one doing the pick ups or drop offs.  The child told us a few days ago that the new step dad "HAS to spend a lot of time with her because Mama said so" and now he is the full time babysitter because he lost his job almost immediately after they got married.

All of this?

It doesn't really matter in the end.  Your are equipped to handle this.

The Mama of my stepkids is a terribly hypocritical soul. It's tough sometimes not to react with an "are you serious right now?"

That's the secret to our success, though, hell0kitty. Is to remain grounded and true to ourselves and not be emotionally reactive to her chaos and turmoil.

She gets to live her life and have babies and marry guys to get Green Cards. That's her value system and like all of us, she is allowed to make choices and run with them. The only time we become involved is when it affects our abilities to parent the children.

If she's amped up the Parental Alienation by having some guy try to be a pseudo Dad, then you simply embrace his role as Stepdad and remind yourself that parents are not replaced... . no more then your being her Stepmom replaced your's SD's Mom.

If her goal is to get rid of your SO and replace it with this new family, the chips are stacked against her being successful. Your SO isn't going anywhere, the bond has been established and your SD loves her Daddy (and doesn't sound like she even has warmed up to the new guy). Warshak reminds us to always keep trucking on and the best way to counteract PA is to show (not tell) the kiddo that you do love them (i.e. always, always take your parenting time) and that she's allowed to love both parents (i.e. don't ever bash mom).

And I also think that if she already agreed to this camp - then just go with it. Try to relax because she already said it was OK (in writing correct?).

This is good for your SD. It'll be fun.