Having a really hard time.

[clover528]

I am so very sad. I have tried to be strong but this is by far the hardest time I have ever gone through. I miss the good in him and us more than anything. My thoughts are consumed with him and where he is and what he is doing. My heart is so broken. I try to be strong. I am failing miserably. I feel like if I had never left him that first night, or if I had come back somehow we could have gotten through this together. He is not diagnosed and is not seeking any therapy. He knows he has something wrong inside. Those were his words. I am just in so much pain right now. It has been 5 days now since I heard from him. I know he has moved on. We recycled too many times to even mention.  I was just as responsible as he was for those attempts. He is in a new relationship and has been for months. I did end us because of the  lies abuse and cheating. I have children to consider as well and I wanted them away from the chaos. I am just so down.  I swear if I could just hold his hand one more time I would. How ridiculous is that? I am jealous of his new love. I know he is so charming and they are where I wanted to stay with him. That loving kind warm safe place that completely fell to pieces for us. How do you get through this? I know there will be good and bad days. The past 5 have really hurt.

[crystalclear]

  Clover,

No great words of advice, but if it makes you feel a bit better but we have all gone through a great deal of emotions - but it does subside... .

Just be good to yourself, work on yourself... . I know it feels terrible but you need to process the pain... .

Talk about it to your near and dear ones, share here... . you will feel better.

Sending you loads of 

Good luck!

[seeking balance]

 Clover

How do you get through this? I know there will be good and bad days. The past 5 have really hurt.

Cry - just cry. 

Faith - it gets better, I am living proof it gets better.

Basics - make yourself eat, exercise, sleep... . these things do help a bit and not doing them will make recovery harder.

It is all new right now, very raw - keep safe, healthy people around you.  Distract when you can and cry it out as you need to.  I wish there was a short cut - but there is not.

You will be ok though.

Peace,

SB

[clover528]

Thank you Crystal.  I really don't have many people to talk to. I have been crying or fighting tears for days on end. I am trying to separate him from what I miss but I just cant do it. I know he is his actions and not just the words. I just am struggling so much with detaching.

I may need to find another therapist who specializes in BPD. Mine is really wonderful, but when I mention why I am so attached to him and finding out the "why" of me and my behaviors, she doesn't seem to offer much insight or direction. I have found more on here than I have had in my sessions

We were such great friends for so many years. He had pursued me for more and I wouldn't do it. Then I was in such a place when he called this time that I just went to him. Literally, with both arms and heart wide open.  Then came one problem right after another after another. I was patient for so long then I began to fight like him to survive him or so I thought. I really do not like me much right now. As much for what I have done as for what I have not done. If that even makes sense.

I have been reading on here about the grieving process. I cant even define where I am in that right now. I am really just taking this one moment at a time.

[clover528]

Thank you Seeking Balance.

Eating has become a task. I have lost a lot of weight as a result of this. Granted I needed to lose a few pounds but never intended it to be as a result of sickness.

Sleep is not my friend. I slept alone for ten years before him. When we were together, he held me close when we slept. His hand was always over my heart. We joked because we would seldom move at night. Called ourselves pretzels. It is hard to sleep. I miss the "pretzel".

I have been trying to take walks and get some exercise. I actually rode a bike last night. the first time in years. I am working on being healthy.

Emotionally, mentally, I am a mess. Thank you both for the encouragement. I will hang in there. There is not much else to do from here but move forward.

[Hurtbad]

HI,

A look at my posts and screen name will hint that I have gone through similar pain.  I lost 17 pounds... . I look great at least... . and sleep too has been my enemy. I cried every day for six weeks.  The good news is that these folks are correct, it does get better, and it does help to post here.  Please know that I feel for you.  I did not think I would ever get better, but I have to a good degree.  I still have bad days, and I miss the love of my life very much. But it does get better.  Do what you have to do to get by.  Come on these boards.  You will find that we all have been through something similar. I praise the day I found this site.

Hurtbad

[seeking balance]

Thank you Seeking Balance.

Eating has become a task. I have lost a lot of weight as a result of this. Granted I needed to lose a few pounds but never intended it to be as a result of sickness.

The famous BPD breakup diet - 20lbs in 30 days... .

Take your vitamins, make yourself keep some calories in - it helps the brain chemicals to help with the depression.

Sleep is not my friend. I slept alone for ten years before him. When we were together, he held me close when we slept. His hand was always over my heart. We joked because we would seldom move at night. Called ourselves pretzels. It is hard to sleep. I miss the "pretzel".

I know this feeling well - I too missed having my ex wrapped around me to sleep.  Use pillows, get a pet, soft music, take a bath -do the things you have always heard of to help sleep.  It won't be a magic cure, but it helps.  It will get easier over time, it just does. 

I have been trying to take walks and get some exercise. I actually rode a bike last night. the first time in years. I am working on being healthy.

I signed up for and did the 3 Day/60 mile Komen walk my first 6 months of the breakup. Having a focus was good for me, and the training gave me a new routine not about my ex.  Maybe a mini triathalon or some other physical goal you always wanted to try - now is the time.  This helped probably more than anything for me since I had to be busy training... . after 15 miles walking, you do tend to fall asleep.  Also, hot yoga almost daily is still in my routine.

Emotionally, mentally, I am a mess. Thank you both for the encouragement. I will hang in there. There is not much else to do from here but move forward.

It's ok to be a mess... . seriously, if you were not - something would be really wrong with you.  This is traumatic and not something you plan for.  By the time you or any of us find this forum, we have exhausted most of our resources.

Be kind and patient with YOU right now.

Peace,

SB

[clover528]

Thank you so much hurt and sb for taking time to reply. It means a lot just knowing I am not in this alone. I really am struggling. I miss so much that was us. It seemed like it was bad before I left that night. I didn't feel safe. It was after that and the two years that followed that have really destroyed all that we were. He always said that my leaving was the catalyst. That all that followed would not have occurred if I had stayed. He said just last week that united we stood and divided we fell and keep falling. He swears that if I would come home, we would be great again. If I could believe that to be true, this would be so much easier. I know better though. Well, knowing better also means knowing he has a woman living there with him even now. It is so unbelievable.