Another recycle, another breakup, now with closure?

[Numbers]

So, recycle #3 ended yesterday. We broke up just before Christmas after she essentially ran away following severe extinction burst and it took her the longest time yet to reengage, a little bit over 4 months. Script was the same, she contacts me out of the blue and we end up in bed. Two months later, I find myself single again.

This time, however, I played it completely differently. At the very start I told her clearly that it is her that reengaged and that I expect she came back with fresh understanding and will to rebuild. She was very surprised and said that no, she came back thinking I could accommodate her better after having some distance. To this I thought – ok, I cannot expect her to openly accept responsibility, but message is clear so let's see.

Following weeks were very slow. I took great care to retain integrity. As little JADE as possible. Returning only what she was giving in an attempt to reinforce and reward behaviors that I enjoyed. She quickly restarted being critical but I managed not to fall for it too much and stopped most of her attempts to re-establish control. I immediately cut at least three attempts of emotional triangulation (read definition). It was my goal to show her how I am not denying her rights to be angry, sad or to inhibit her character but that I am drawing a line when it comes to means of communicating.

It was to be expected this could not last for long. A week ago we are back into severe extinction burst over me not waking up in the middle of the night and inviting her to sleep together following some truly neutral text messages from her. This led into days of power play, but I stand ground and she finally admits to inappropriate behaviour. And breaks up/runs away an hour later But I don't let it rest, and take her to countryside this last Sunday to talk a bit. I tell her that I do have feelings for her and that I am all for spending a long time together. She talks about how she has chaos in her head and how horrible it is to live like that. How she did painful things to me (triangulation (read definition)s mostly) out of insecurity, fear and insatiable need for validation.

She refuses to see me on Monday and yesterday I get a Dear John letter where she essentially admits to have been hit-testing me for almost two years and how she is terribly sorry to have messed up the best guy she ever met, but how she does not have the strength to continue, asks forgiveness for everything and wishes me a happy life.

I was of a mind to reply, but I think there is nothing to reply, I told her where I stand two days ago and this is her answer – nothing left to discuss.

But – WOW.

Do you think I just got a real, honest closure?

[Validation78]

Hey there!

It may or may not be closure for her. Focus on you, what you want!

Is it closure for you?

Do you want it to be over or do you want another recycle?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Cooper10]

I agree.  I firmly believe it will never be over until you decide that it is for you, independently of anything they could say or do.  I spent the interim of every recycle holding my breath in hopes that during our time apart my ex would heal or grow up or mature and fix everything.  That hope positioned me to be susceptible for the next recycle.  After this last one, I realized I will never go back.  I realized I spent so much time and energy investing in analyzing and trying to help him, but it was totally futile; if anyone was going to change and break the cycle, I knew it had to be me.  I've begun to truly move forward.  I absolutely believe I will hear from him again, but it won't matter because I'm not waiting for it.

[winston72]

Hey  4815162342... . brilliant summary of your relationship.  Thank you.  I had a very similar sequence of events in early 2012 and early 2013.  Incredibly frustrating and heart-breaking.  The difficulty is magnified by the moments of clarity and understanding, as exhibited in many of your girlfriend's comments and her letter.  It is downright spooky to read your story... . and such moments from my exgf still haunt me. 

I agree with the prior comments.  The question of closure is for you to answer... . and only you.  What do you want? 

[Numbers]

Oh, I understand that closure is about me and my processing, not about her. What I wanted to share is that I happened to receive something resembling closure, since I saw it is almost unheard of here.

As to where i stand, it is interesting. I realize now that all these recycles would not have happened if I managed to detach, reconcile and reconnect with someone with healthier mindset. Unfortunately, I was not quite lucky with meeting or dating other women in-between recycles, mostly because of (too) slow rebuilding of self-esteem and constant ruminations. In hindsight, it was, for me, just so much easier and simpler to take her back. I am trying some new things now that mostly deal with reopening myself.

Another recycle attempt from her right now would most probably work, who am I kidding. But it happens that she is currently in strong positive swing, receiving validation left and right, so fingers crossed that timer will run out for me before it runs out for her this time 

[MarcinN7]

Wow I`m impressed.

The moments of clarity of my exuBPDGF of 8 years were VERY short.

They lasted like 2-3 minutes tops.

Then she would say she`s sorry, that she know`s she hited and she doesn`t know why she did what she did (cheating, arguing, constant drama). But it would evaporate very quickly and we would be back into blaming me for her infidelity etc and lots of other things.

If a conversation would go near a constructive one she usually shut down, like an invisible brick wall and she would start crazy making again. The switch was that evident. Anything coming close to taking responsibility or meaningful interaction was like a lake of fire - impossible to cross.

I`m happy you got this closure. I`m even a little envious 

[stronger123]

Hello any help please its driving me mad not knowing. I lefft my h four months ago... . he abandoned our house only taking few items of clothing... . didnt know where he was living he negligence d our animals... . and he split in front of my eyes and he was looking out the window in to nothing. Wouldnnt talk to me ... . blaming me im usless worthless etc... . so id had enough. I egot some eexperience as it happened to me 8 years ago ... . he was cheating on me for 6 weks it lasted then I got the phone calls stalking etc... . but I gave him another chance! This time im older and wiser and couldnt cope with it so I left him beofre he left me cause I knew his mind had left me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. 6 weeks had past and he contacted by txt... . wanting his clothes etx... . that he had to hand his notice in from our house... . ( no he didnt have to he chose to cause I left him the home !)  4 weeks adter that he went to c my mum blaming himself that he ws so awful to me etc... . he left me a note saying he cant not ever have me as his friend in his life that he cares and misses me and the animals! And if I needed anything dont be afraid to contact him... . that was 6 weeks ago... . I havnt contact ed him... . 2 weks ago got a random msg asking how I am and how is the animals? I didnt respond! The question is ... . when will he face me! ? Hes put over fb hes in a new relationship etc... . think its to wind me up but its not working! I just want to c him face to face to put my point carmly across... . will this happen? Xx

[Numbers]

No, it will not happen.

I am deeply, deeply, sorry if hearing this hurts you, but I believe you will get any semblance of closure only if it suits him. In any other scenario, he would probably just convince you that it is somehow all your fault.

In my case, it is probably that she needed to get rid of me and since I would not remove myself this was least painful to her.

What you can expect is a call out of the blue in undefined amount of time, where he will try to satisfy his hunger for attention. Be prepared for that call  .

[winston72]

4815162342... . this is so well said... .

"As to where i stand, it is interesting. I realize now that all these recycles would not have happened if I managed to detach, reconcile and reconnect with someone with healthier mindset."

If only the road to that place of emotional well being was quick and easy!  For me it has been quite a laborious process, although I do feel like I am making substantial progress of late. 

As I read your posts once again and reflect on my own situation... . it seems like real "closure" is hard to come by because it is not how my xGFs mind works and, sadly, it is not so clear within me.  My boundaries are in disarray, from our relationship and from so much in my life before her. 

[stronger123]

So its bn four months now... . how long will it be before he returns any ideas? After 12 years together... . its very hard but I made that decision for my own sanity to end it. I get txts randomly... . latest one asking me how I am and how are our pets? I didnt reply... .   what shall I expect nxt?

[simplyasiam]

if i may ask on the note of recycling how many times are you all talking about im at around 15 in 5 year... . about every 3 months. some very short 90 min, some very long 3 months.

im not sure if this comes from the BPD or the bipolar

[stronger123]

Ok ive been married 10years and this is the second time recycled. As it happened to me 8years ago to. The strange thing is we were best of friends ... . thats the harest part about it all... . so very sad.