You are here for a reason... so are we. Thank you.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just want to thank everyone on this forum.  I know we are all here because BPD has affected our lives in a profound way... . and while I wouldn't wish this on anyone it's nice to know I am not alone and all the feedback has really helped me, even if I didn't want o hear what was being said (the truth).

I am sure many of you here became or still are co dependent on your ex.  That is what happened to me.  I began to think I was un worthy and she lost interest.  To anyone who is not in therapy I highly suggest it. Get the help you need to get through this and regain your self.  I just started therapy after my break and let me tell you... . I wish I had started earlier.  Get the help you need to get back to you and break the urge to look at your ex's social media.  I know mines was a private profile but after the break she made it public so I could see everything she is doing with the new person.

It's a nasty game and it's not based on love.  It's one sick person, one beat down co dependent, sometimes a new significant other and  lack of boundaries in every area... .

If that is not the opposite of a relationship I don't know what is. 

So again, thank you.  I know where you are coming from and if you get the desire to check any of your exes whereabouts social media/in real life (stalking) come on this board and post.  I know I am here for you as well as countless others. 

I hope you all have a nice, peaceful weekend.  Do something good for yourself today.   

[Pretty Woman]

I just want to thank everyone on this forum.  I know we are all here because BPD has affected our lives in a profound way... . and while I wouldn't wish this on anyone it's nice to know I am not alone and all the feedback has really helped me, even if I didn't want o hear what was being said (the truth).

I am sure many of you here became or still are co dependent on your ex.  That is what happened to me.  I began to think I was un worthy and she lost interest.  To anyone who is not in therapy I highly suggest it. Get the help you need to get through this and regain your self.  I just started therapy after my break and let me tell you... . I wish I had started earlier.  Get the help you need to get back to you and break the urge to look at your ex's social media.  I know mines was a private profile but after the break she made it public so I could see everything she is doing with the new person.

It's a nasty game and it's not based on love.  It's one sick person, one beat down co dependent, sometimes a new significant other and  lack of boundaries in every area... .

If that is not the opposite of a relationship I don't know what is. 

So again, thank you.  I know where you are coming from and if you get the desire to check any of your exes whereabouts social media/in real life (stalking) come on this board and post.  I know I am here for you as well as countless others. 

I hope you all have a nice, peaceful weekend.  Do something good for yourself today.   

[laelle]

Good Stuff 

[ggoman]

Thank you for your post Earth Angel. Good tips! I would also like to relate a few thoughts and experiences of my own in hopes that others may be able to relate.

I went through the usual round of break-ups/getting back together with my BP. Each time (sans the final time, of course) she broke up with me, she would suck me back in, but the duration of the breaks increased over time. Finally on May 15, we had our last fight and she was done. Not understanding at the time that she had BP, I desperately sought some sort of closure, but to no avail. Despite telling her how intensely I was suffering and how much I loved her (this was all done in a very respectful way), she only spewed anger and venom at me, and at one point told me I deserved to suffer. Shortly after this (days, not weeks), she sent me an email saying, "I've moved on and am happy. I hope you too find what you are looking for: A real, true soulmate." She then unblocked me on Facebook and made her profile public. I could see then that she had changed her status to "in a relationship". When someone commented on this, she responded with "he's amazing!"

Needless to say, I shouldn't have looked at her FB page, but I felt I just couldn't help myself. I am completely destroyed. I realize that she is very sick, but all I can think about is having her back. This relationship was at the same time both the most intense and hellish relationship I've ever had, no question. I guess I will recover in time, but it sure doesn't feel like I will.

[danley]

Yes. Thanks to everyone on here who has shared their experiences with us. Before finding this site, I felt like I was the only person who was going thru the turmoil of things. I've had breakups before but this last one was far beyond the norm. Til today it's still not the norm. It's a hot mess of layers of disillusion and truth. I haven't experienced the breakup makeup with my ex in the three years together but I'm more mindful that this exists in BPD relationships. I'm more mindful of what my ex may have been thinking or WHY he said and did the things he did after he abruptly broke up with me.  Although I have read many stories here that are far more painful and difficult than my own, I can still relate to everyone's emotional battles and strive to healing and making sense of things.

ggoman,

We all feel your pain. We all know the confused state you're in. I find myself confused still at times. But lately I've been taking things with a grain of salt and keeping positive for myself. I also have been reminding myself that I can only change things about me and not my ex. I have a hard time trusting my ex now even tho he might seem like he's changing.  I guess that's what happens when they put you thru the ringer. But one thing that's helped is that I have looked at what my flaws were and have forgiven myself for that. Secondly, I forgave my ex, as a relationship is about two people working together thru differences. Thirdly, I am allowing my ex to forgive me as I don't truly know how I might have unknowingly affected him. And finally, I've also been trying to remember that things don't happen TO ME, they happen FOR ME.

THIS last part is big! Even tho the breakup was and is painful, I've actually learned a lot about myself, my wants and needs, and about my ex. It's made me humble in a sense to seeing that not all people are capable of dealing with their past or owning up to their mistakes. For me, I'm a straight up gonna do what I want regardless if that's not what people expect kind of gal. I've realized that not everybody has the courage to stand up for themselves and take responsibility. I've learned that in a crisis or when they are drowning some people will stop at nothing to keep afloat even if it means taking down the one who's trying to save them. Think of someone who's drowning in the ocean and treading water to keep their head above water. You are the lifeguard who swims out to rescue them. But if you go right up to them with open arms, they're in such a frenzy that they sometimes use you as their own personal flotation device. They will clasp onto you, push your head under, and all they feel and know at that moment is fear and wanting to be saved. Theyre in such a panic and can only think of self preservation. Fear overwhelms them and their primary thought is to get out of the situation no matter what the cost or consequences.  If you're not careful, they can sink you and potentially both of you end up drowning. You need to stay at an arms distance and calmly throw them a life preserver instead of rushing up to them  to save them. You need to be mindful and have them save themselves without putting yourself in danger. People drowning are not only in danger but they can be a danger to yourself if not properly handled the right way. I'm not rushing to save my ex anymore. But when he gets tired of treading water and he's ready to ask for the life preserver, I'll be more than willing to throw it to him so that he can save HIMSELF.

[winston72]

I had/have very similar reactions to ggoman in his response to learning his SO is with someone else.  In my case, it was a relationship that was ongoing while we were together (bizarre).  I relate completely when he writes, "I realize that she is very sick, but all I can think about is having her back. This relationship was at the same time both the most intense and hellish relationship I've ever had, no question."

As I read his post and think about my experience, I think the "this is awful/I want her back" looks like the echoing response to "I hate you, don't leave me" that is used to describe someone with BPD.  It is such a distinct and curious characteristic of people in relationships such as these.