Bring me back to a healthier reality

[delusionalxox]

Oh God, somebody stop me please... .

After ex ignored my abortion on 17 June I have definitely gone crazy. He had told me June 6 he would never speak to me again and has stuck to this apart from one whingey email on the day of my abortion, about how deeply I had damaged him.  I was kind of getting to totally suicidally crazy anyway during the devaluation phase (which lasted about 6 months).

I felt... . obliterated, that's the only way I can put it. As if my core had fallen apart. I still feel empty from heart to stomach. Some of the feeling I recall from being involved in a car accident long ago. Floatiness, loss of appetite, constant fear. Feeling that something even worse is coming round the corner.

Flashes of rage, confusion, self loathing most of all. He has rejected me and told me it is all my fault. Therefore it must be, somehow. If i could believe him that I am a total psycho piece of hit, it would almost be easier... . Longing for him to forgive me, give me closure... . the one thing I don't want is him back... . but I want him to acknowledge what he has put me through... . I want it so much it makes me feel utterly insane.

Anyway. I keep sending the odd enraged/confused message. I stopped for 6/7 days last week after i had sent a text saying that I forgave him for what he had done and was sorry for my own part in it all and what I also did wrong. But that I did not absolve him of responsibility for how horribly he has ended things.

After hearing from several friends and a therapist that what he did in ignoring my abortion adn whinging on the day about the terrible things I had done to him was indeed below every possible standard of human decency I had another surge of righteous anger :D and messaged him on facebook telling him that. And I want to carry on. I want to write a bloody encyclopaedia of how he has devalued, hurt and disillusioned me. All the broken dreams of friendship and loyalty that I now carry with me. (You lot on here are getting some of that too, you poor things :D apologies  ).

I wonder if I will ever be able to stop. The pain and anger and desperation for him to HEAR ME are so intense. I can think of nothing else. I've hardly done a thing this whole last month. The month is gone. No work, nothing for me. Just him him him him and all the hit associated with him.

I wondered why he has not blocked me on FB. I know he is reading the messages because I see a 'seen' time.

I told my friend this (who is trying to restrain me bless him!) and he said (with some wisdom) 'he is keeping tabs on you to prove how crazy you are and how you are stalking him. It'll be making him feel like more of a victim'.

This is so true I can't deny it.:D and now I just feel so helpless and powerless. I'll never be heard. There will be no closure and no acknowledgement of what I've been through with him.

anyway: that's it really. Please slap me and bring me back to a healthier reality. I have lost it! :D (did get my sense of humour back this week, which is something. For 2 weeks I could not even laugh or crack a joke... . :'()

Thanks for humouring me on here. It's a lifeline. I would have gone mad this month truly without this board.

[Octoberfest]

Hi,

I think you need to take a closer look at what you are hoping to get by continually messaging him.

Longing for him to forgive me, give me closure... . the one thing I don't want is him back... . but I want him to acknowledge what he has put me through... . I want it so much it makes me feel utterly insane.

Let's look at this for a second.

First of all, I can tell you that I have had the exact same thoughts. After my BPDex and I split, for 3 weeks or so after every 3-4 days I found a reason to contact her.  Some new thought I had that I wanted to share with her.  And those conversations never really went good places... . They mostly ended in fighting or arguing.

I finally had to stop and ask myself, "What good is going to come from contacting her?".  I KNEW I did not want her back.  I DID NOT want to be in that relationship again.  So what was I hoping to accomplish by continuing to talk to her?

The answer is, like you have said, closure.  We want to hear that it "wasn't our fault", and that they, "are sorry for what they did."

Unfortunately, this is a pipe dream.  pwBPD do not have the self awareness to really grasp the harm and pain they have caused people. I was fortunate in that I got a heartfelt apology from my BPDex and wishes for me to "move on, not let this keep me from loving, and that I was so much better of a person than she could ever hope to be".  But even with those words, I found myself wanting more.  I found myself wanting answers for very specific instances of hurt and injustice that were ruminating inside me.

These answers, the apologies, the "its not you its me"'s that we so desperately want WILL NOT COME. 

The ONLY thing that we accomplish by continuing to talk to our BPDex's is prolonging our own misery.  It tacks time on to and prevents the detachment process from happening.  We are sticking our hands back into the fire each time we contact them.


I have seen it suggested on this board to write letters and never send them.  This is a HUGE difference between actually making contact with your BPDex.  Writing the letter, saying all the things you need to say, is a task about YOU.  Writing that same letter to your BPDex is about THEM.  You want them to reply, to say something, and THAT is the piece that will get you bogged down in misery until you cut it out.


You are not alone or weird for having thoughts of betrayal or injustice.  I have them all the time.  How could they do that to ME.  After all I did for them.  Well, the world isn't a fair place.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley

"hurt" is a relative term.  Your BPDex is not worth suffering for. 

[winston72]

Dear Servalan, I regret to inform you that you are now doomed to send him volumes of messages every day for the rest of your life.  Sorry, but it will go on forever.  

That was your slap.  Servalan, you have experience two horrible shocks in a rapid sequence, the break-up and the abortion.  Good heavens, it is so much more powerful than a traffic accident.  The recollection of the accident is an apt image for you.  You should howl at the moon, rail at the awfulness of that man and proclaim the righteousness of your pain.  Go for it.  It is a searing, scorching pain that demands attention, so your messages to him demand likewise.

I had a pin surgically inserted into a broken finger several years ago.  I was given an incorrect prescription for the pain after the surgery.  When the primary anesthetic wore off, it felt like my finger was on fire.  I took the inadequate meds and than tried to suck it up and get through it.  In fact, I should have been screaming for help.  Ultimately I did and then I got the correct meds.  But I doubted the merits of my pain.  How dumb!  It was so obvious, but I disavowed it.  I do the same only in greater intensity with my emotional pain.  So, girl.  Scream and shout on this one.  

In this instance, be yourself... . you can't tailor your communication to get through to him... . that just perpetuates the madness of the relationship.  You are not in the least bit psycho... . but you are in screaming pain, and justifiably so.  

To heck with him... . do what you need to do... . your situation is so unique because of the abortion.  Goodness, this can be such a charged event in the best of circumstances. 

The post from Octoberfest came in as I was typing this.  I agree with the wise and calming comments... . but I just think they come in time.  You are just coming out of the shock of the traffic accident and realizing how much this all hurts. 

[delusionalxox]

Thanks guys your words are balm to my troubled soul 

Thing is, I know I am starting to detach... . just a little. I have got my sense of humour back. I am normally always looking for the joke even in the blackest of situations. But in the last month that deserted me. I felt literally hollowed out by what he had done. Like someone came and scooped out my entrails, dumped them in front of me, and ran off.

Sorry for that graphic and rather medieval image  I can get that many on here know exactly what I am talking about.

My ex did apologise to me... . 2 weeks before he dumped me. So I know he suffers. I know he feels self doubt and self loathing. Even his whinge on the day of my abortion 'leave me aloone you damaged me' is evidence of how f*ed up he is.

But yeah, I still want closure. Partly I want to make The Final Statement. The message which would save my dignity, wrap up all the loose ends, lower the gavel on the whole thing. Exit. Yeah right, nice dream... .

But writing can't do that. A meeting wouldn't do it. Nothing can do it. I've just got to wait. And I will  never know how ex truly feels about what he has done. I will never see him again (he lives 600 miles away) and he will never reply to me now that he has written me off as utterly crazy and thinks he is doing the right moral thing by cutting me off.

But it can never ever be right to ignore your ex partners' abortion. I understand him not calling. But he has my address. He could have sent a card, said a kind word on the day. Anything other than responding just to blame me and tell me to go away. That is not forgivable. So I can't forgive. And so I can't move on.

This is just a horrible living hell. I am out of the first circle, but I feel there are another 6 to get through. And in the meantime my other problems mount up.

I am an academic and I should be working. I've been totally unable to work for a month now. I feel my life stopped somehow because of what he did, and that too I resent.

[delusionalxox]

Also... . I need to admit it... . although I couldn't call what I feel for him 'hate', a part of me likes that he says that what I said 'damaged him'.

Because he has damaged me so much not just in the last month but over years of accusing me of affairs, abuse, orgies ( !), being a 'materialist', reversing every criticism I made of him (eg I was 'using him' ie for sex - because he made me pay for everything when we were together... . nice inversion of the 'whore' motif that one  ).

One particular insult I remember when my self esteem was being gradually eroded was 'you think you are so special... . you are nothing special'. I had low self esteem anyway, lower and lower while with him. I never felt special. He projected his own emptiness and disappointed narcissism onto me.

We were caught in a horrible spiral of rows, rages and insults. I am not good at backing down and I tend to fight for my own rights. I can feel I'm still in that spiral and in that nasty moment of wanting revenge on this man who has turned out to be just as much of a ass as I always suspected but didn't want to admit to myself.

not nice. But true 

[mango_flower]

Ok, let's flip this on its head... .

Right now, he says he doesn't want to hear from you, but if you suddenly stopped writing, he'd at least stop feeling so smug about it all - he'd probably be confused as to why the sudden silence?

As much as it hurts that my ex hasn't been in touch with me the past  5 weeks, it makes me happier that I was the one who ignored her last 5 emails, which is WHY she stopped talking to me! The small amount of getting the control back is the one thing that makes me feel that she hasn't won. I know for a FACT that she'll feel quite hurt and aggrieved that I've just stopped responding, she'll be wondering what I'm up to... . (I've seen how she has acted in the past when friends have stopped talking to her)

It's quite nice to have the upper hand to be honest, it's about the only thing I can take from this!

So take back that control. You can do this! xxx

[delusionalxox]

I am getting (in a way) silent mixed messages from ex  because if he really did not want to hear from me on FB he could definitely block me (and has done before).

You're right. It's not much control- he took the bulk of it from me, which drives me insane like so many other things- but I've got to take it.

I feel so sad and dead inside tonight. Like he took the best of me and stamped it into extinction.

I have got to move on from this but I don't know how. I can't work or enjoy anything. Life stopped dead. I just want to call him tonight and rave at him about how he hited up my life. I won't. At least I haven't called him.  :'(

[MarcinN7]

I am getting (in a way) silent mixed messages from ex   because if he really did not want to hear from me on FB he could definitely block me (and has done before).

You're right. It's not much control- he took the bulk of it from me, which drives me insane like so many other things- but I've got to take it.

I feel so sad and dead inside tonight. Like he took the best of me and stamped it into extinction.

I have got to move on from this but I don't know how. I can't work or enjoy anything. Life stopped dead. I just want to call him tonight and rave at him about how he ed up my life. I won't. At least I haven't called him.  :'(

I've been where you are. It hurts like hell and I can relate.

The best thing you can do is take your own personal power back. It will hurt like hell but you can do it.

1.block him on Facebook, you don't want his image or messages to polute your social media and remind you of him. Block hi everywhere you can.

2. Initiate strict NC. The first 3 weeks will be hard as hell but after that time it will get better.

3. Spend time with friends, go out. The worst thing you can do right now is be alone with your thoughts this will drive you crazy.

4. Remember what you liked to do before you met your ex and try to do this. It won't be "fun" for some time since depression is a given in this situation. I regained the fun in doing things after several months but small glimpses were coming out.

5. Don't drink alcohol. Its a depressant and when you come down you can get in a really depressive moods and want to call him. I have a brake from alcohol because the depressive episodes after it are not worth it right now. Even 1 bear can set me back.

6. Be patient, it will get better I promise you.

You can do it

[MarcinN7]

Oh and one more thing. If you are getting some relief from the stress when he responds to you or you talk or when you can shout at him over the phone or when he gives you attention. The peace you feel won't last, its only temporary