Happy thoughts :)

[mango_flower]

Ok people -

So often we try to convince ourselves why we don't want to be with the BPD ex, right? (as so many of us didn't get a choice, and it helps to not "want" them anymore)

Let's turn it on its head, and think of all the GREAT things that we've had in OTHER relationships instead.

For me, she was my first serious relationship, so I'm also hoping that this'll help me to realise that all the romantic gestures, flowers etc are NOT the sole domain of BPD people (as I'm beginning to think they are!)



So tell me - what great moments have you had with any NON-BPD partners in the past?  What romantic things have they ever done for you?

Give me some hope that I will experience good times again, with somebody other than my BPD ex!

[Undone123]

Great thread... .

My uBPDex is my only love! I want to hear what it's like being with a non... . I want to know how amazing it must be, to have a problem, and have someone there. I want to know what it's like to have a constructive disagreement. I want to know what it's like to be able to laugh, and know your in a secure place. I want to know what it's like to be able to show your imperfections!

[Tordesillas]

Its funny because I totally didn't appreciate it at the time, but when I look back on my ex BEFORE the one with BPD, I love how we could have a calm rational discussion about difficult and emotional issues! 

Its actually SUPER hilarious when I think about this now.  When I was with my BPDex I would sometimes FANTASIZE about how my other ex and I would have these calm, constructive discussions and sort through problems!  Right there in the middle of some dramatic blow up with my BPDex I would catch myself day dreaming about how good the communication was in my previous relationship!

[stop2think]

My first r/s lasted 4yrs and the best part was he became my best friend. He put up with me in so many way and never really complained. If i have to say the best moment it is a bit difficult as we did almost everything together, also he was my co-worker so we were like husband-wife without being married!

There were many positives, he was not a controlling person, he was a giving person, he let me be ME and liked me for who i was, he was caring and was protective (not possessive), he was my partner in crime   . More than anything else he was Not abusive.

We did have our differences and things did not work out. His parents did not approve of me. He agreed to go for arranged marriage after 6 months of our mutual break up. I am happy for him. We are still friends.

You know what's funny - i really liked him but was not in 'Love' i think, just to attached to him which i thought was 'Love'. Also, whenever i thought of marrying him - i would have to compromise on my happiness and being myself and my dreams.

I am hoping to find a man who would love, care, support and respect me for who I am and who I want to be. I wish the same for you all of us here - deep down we know we want to give the same to him/her.

[flynavy]

All... . I believe I have posted some of these but here is a potpourri of beautiful memories of my wife:

-The first time I kissed her it literally took my breadth away... . and her's too... . we both knew!

-When I left for my first cruise in the Navy, I didn't tell her how madly In Love I was with her.  Out to sea I wrote her letters saying what I should have said before I left her that morning.  Before she died of Ovarian Cancer she gave me a bundle of letters wrapped in a yellow ribbon... . she saved everyone of them!

-We were very tactile... . loved it when she would just walk by and touch me and make eye contact with that smile attached... . miss it so much!

-She would leave me voice mails at work just saying how much she missed me and couldn't wait for me to get home

-She would call me at work every once in awhile with her sexy voice and ask what I was doing for lunch... . I would race home and she would greet me with that beautiful smile and tell me she was just thinking about me. Nuff said right!

-During hospice, I was told she would push me away... . the one she loved the most.  Hated it... . didn't understand it but it was happening.  Our last night that we slept together in our bed at home she had a wall of pillows between us she said was to keep me from hitting her morphine IV.  That night she reached through the pillows in the middle of the night and put her hand on my knee... . no words... . nothing else... . just the last most beautiful intimate romantic moment of my 32 marriage.

I miss her so much! BTW my wife's name is Sandie!

Something I would do for Sandie every once in awhile would send her 1 white Rose where she worked... . no reason... . "Just Because"  That is is what I would write on the card! 

I sincerely wish everyone on this site can experience what I had for 32 years... . It is real... . I know!   I miss her! Love you Sandie! :'( :'( :'( :'(

[MarcinN7]

All... . I believe I have posted some of these but here is a potpourri of beautiful memories of my wife:

-The first time I kissed her it literally took my breadth away... . and her's too... . we both knew!

-When I left for my first cruise in the Navy, I didn't tell her how madly In Love I was with her.  Out to sea I wrote her letters saying what I should have said before I left her that morning.  Before she died of Ovarian Cancer she gave me a bundle of letters wrapped in a yellow ribbon... . she saved everyone of them!

-We were very tactile... . loved it when she would just walk by and touch me and make eye contact with that smile attached... . miss it so much!

-She would leave me voice mails at work just saying how much she missed me and couldn't wait for me to get home

-She would call me at work every once in awhile with her sexy voice and ask what I was doing for lunch... . I would race home and she would greet me with that beautiful smile and tell me she was just thinking about me. Nuff said right!

-During hospice, I was told she would push me away... . the one she loved the most.  Hated it... . didn't understand it but it was happening.  Our last night that we slept together in our bed at home she had a wall of pillows between us she said was to keep me from hitting her morphine IV.  That night she reached through the pillows in the middle of the night and put her hand on my knee... . no words... . nothing else... . just the last most beautiful intimate romantic moment of my 32 marriage.

I miss her so much! BTW my wife's name is Sandie!

Something I would do for Sandie every once in awhile would send her 1 white Rose where she worked... . no reason... . "Just Because"  That is is what I would write on the card!  

I sincerely wish everyone on this site can experience what I had for 32 years... . It is real... . I know!   I miss her! Love you Sandie! :'( :'( :'( :'(

Manly tears were shed  :'( i would soo want to be in a RS with someone like your wife FlyNavy.

I only been in very short RS`ps and 8 years with my uexBPDgf so right now i`m really skeptical if i will ever find and fall in love with someone normal.

[understated]

My first boyfriend would write poetry about me. The poems were terrible but I loved that it showed he thought about me when we weren't together. He would genuinely care if I was sick. The first time I met his family he seemed so excited for me to meet them all. We're still in contact nearly 10 years later and he really is a great guy.

[mango_flower]

Aw Flynavy - I have tears in my eyes!  Sandie sounds like an amazing, amazing woman    I am so glad you guys had each other, and it's so sad it was cut short, but those memories are going nowhere. You've just shown everyone here that you CAN have that sort of amazing relationship with a non-BPD too - so thank you!

I'm enjoying hearing about everyone's relationships - more, more!

[recoil]

Like Fly, I lost my wife to cancer (colon).  We were together fourteen years.

I'm quite sure writing this is going to make me very sad but here it goes:

- She was my very best friend.  I could tell her anything without fear of being judged.  She could do the same.  Almost every night, I'd take a soak in the jetted tub and she'd pull up a chair and we'd talk.

- Our love was reciprocal.  She gave energy into the relationship, as did I. 

- She loved to laugh.  I love to make people laugh.  She laughed with me every single day.

- She was very adventurous (no anxiety in her whatsoever).  We had a saying --- "Never a dull moment."

- There was no jealousy at all.  I knew I had her love.  She knew she had mine. 

- She was an incredible lover. 

- She had so many friends.  She never met a stranger.  She was comfortable being herself.  I didn't truly appreciate this about her until after her death. 

- She was the most loving Mother to our little girl.

- She kept all of my letters to her.  She kept the roses I sent her anonymously before we started dating.

- She almost never complained; even after diagnosed with cancer.

The night before she passed away.  She sat down on the couch with me.  She told me that I gave her everything she ever wanted in life.  That she would pass with absolutely no regrets.  Some people go their entire lives without finding that kind of love.  She recognized what we had even more than I did at the time (I'm a slow learner when it comes to the heart).

Our relationship wasn't perfect, as that doesn't exist.  But what we had was real.  We respected each other, we valued each other, we loved each other.  Until my last breath, I will love her.

[delusionalxox]

I am STILL friends with my first boyfriend who I was with for 3 years at the age of 19.

He was kind and supportive, I was a mess back then so he was probably a bit codependent (still is- is recovering from his own recent BPD hell). We had fun. He didn't triangulate me. He tried his best. Once we split there was no need for hate, we forgave eachother and he came to my wedding!

My ex husband too was kind and supportive. No real 'hot' sexuality (which comes with BPD and is why I found BPD ex so intoxicating :/) so it did die after 12 years. But again, he was kind, we could laugh. We were friends.  Despite a messy divorce and custody issues we are trying to be friends again. The emotional destruction of BPD ex gave me the impulse to try to repair things with my ex husband who is basically a good person and a good father who deserved better from me. And I have let him know this.

I was  not scared all the time in either relationship. I felt liked. I wasn't waiting to be 'tripped up' verbally all the time, or to be confronted with 'evidence' of my misdeeds or 'cheating' gleaned from his reading and misinterpreting my messages... . I wasn't worried that I was being 'too independent'... . they never made me pay for everything, complained about not bbeing looked after, or asked to be 'spoiled' and treated like my teenage son... . I could spend time relaxing at home and not be waiting for the atmosphere to turn... .

yeah, those relationships were with healthy people- people with their issues- but people I will always respect, who will always be in my life.

While BPD ex dumped me pregnant and whizzed off into the Italian sunset, blaming me for everything and crying 'victim' to the heavens.

Sod him :D

[flynavy]

recoil... . you and I were very fortunate to have had what we had!  My condolences.  I miss my wife even more after going through this ordeal!  But it has made Sandie's and my love even stronger as I'm sure it has for you!  The strength and courage she demonstrated to me over her 7 year battle with cancer continues to be my inspiration to never feel sorry myself, cherish our time together and to never waste a moment... . life is a precious gift!... . a gift this insidious disorder cannot and will not take from us.   Peace my friend... . Semper Mecum... . Always With Me... . Numquam Periit Amor... . Love Never Dies!