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Author Topic: I find myself thinking about him a lot  (Read 953 times)
Bananas
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« on: July 04, 2013, 12:48:13 PM »

So I have to be on LC with my ex because we work together.  It was going well for the most part, as far as my detaching was concerned.  He was pretty much ignoring me, so I could ignore him, or being mean, so I could ignore that even though it hurt a little.  I was feeling good about detaching.  Even the irrelevant small talk I was doing well with.  I could answer one or two words and walk away.

Now, he is being sweet and charming, and even acting this way around other people so I feel myself getting pulled in.  Asking me personal things about my family and pets.  Bringing up the good times from the past.  Now I find myself thinking about him a lot, feeling confused.  I don't know how to act or take this.  And because we are at work, in front of other people, I feel like I have to smile, laugh, be nice, and engage with him and the eggshell feelings are coming back.  I know it is not good for my health to engage with him at all unless I absolutely have to for work related issues.  I have communicated this boundary to him, that we need to keep things work only, for the time being he is not respecting it.

What do I do?  :)o I just fake it until I make it?  I was wondering if anyone has any advice/experience to help me deal with this effectively.  I feel like I was making a lot of progress in detaching and now I feel like I am going backwards.  Need a Jedi mind trick!
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morningagain
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2013, 01:13:24 PM »

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4yd2W50No


unlearn, indeed.  Don't get sucked into the dark side... .
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Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.   Psalms 30
Bananas
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« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2013, 09:20:58 PM »

thanks jason! i will recite yoda's speech in my head next time i run into my ex!  i will let you know how it goes... .
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Validation78
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2013, 06:39:31 AM »

Hi Bananas!

The thing you have to realize is that when we talk about boundaries here, they are not so much rules for another person, they are rules for us. We can't control what someone else does, however, we can control what we do. So, when he asks about things you don't want to talk about, you can kindly say, I don't want to talk about that, or simply turn and walk away. It's up to you to decide how to enforce your boundaries, whatever they are. As for how it looks to others, they may think you're being rude, and they don't know the whole story, and never will, it's none of their business. Your concern, first and foremost is your healing and well being. If you stick strictly to business matters with him, eventually he will get the point. Don't give him intermittent rewards by giving in, even a little!

Best Wishes,

Val78
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seeking balance
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2013, 10:33:55 AM »

Val is right on target - we only know our boundaries by pain sometimes.

The positive interaction is too emotionally hard, so you may need more space.   You can be honest with him, using a DEARMAN format as to not trigger him. Explanation w/ examples below.  Feel free to try and practice it here before real time... . it helps.

DESCRIBE

Describe the situation when necessary - sometimes it isn't stick to the facts and no judgmental statements

"This is the third time this week that you've asked me for a ride home."

EXPRESS

Express feelings/opinions about the situation clearly. describe how you feel or what you believe about the situation. don't expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel give a brief reason for making your request.

"I'm getting home so late that it is really hard for me and my family. But I also really enjoy giving you rides home, and it is hard for me to say no."

ASSERT

Assert your wishes. Ask for what you want. Say no clearly.

Don't expect the other person to know what you want them to do if you don't tell them (don't expect them to mind read).

"But I have to say no tonight. I can't give you a ride home so often."


REINFORCE

Reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something, say no or express an opinion.

Sometimes it helps to reinforce people before they respond to your question by telling them the positive effects of getting what you want or need.

The basic idea here is that if people do not gain form complying with a request, at least some of the time, they may stop responding in a positive way

"Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate it."


STAY MINDFUL

Keep your focus on your objectives in the situation

Maintain your position

Don't be distracted on to another topic

Two helpful techniques for staying mindful:

1. Broken Record

Keep asking, saying no or expressing your opinion... . over and over and over

You just don't have to think up something new each time, just keep saying the exact same thing. Keep a mellow tone of voice... . your strength comes from maintaining your position

2. Ignore

If the other person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ... . IGNORE, the

threats comments or efforts to divert you. Just keep making your point. If you respond to these attacks, you have allowed the other person to take control of the situation

If you want to deal with the attacks... . deal with them in another discussion.


APPEAR CONFIDENT

Confident tone of voice

Confident physical manner

Appropriate eye contact

No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, etc... .

How confident to act in a situation is a judgment call. There is a fine line between appearing arrogant, and appearing too apologetic.


NEGOTIATE

Be willing to give to get

Offer and ask for alternate solutions

Reduce your request

Maintain your no, but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way

A helpful skill here is "turning the tables." Turn the problem over to the other person, ask for alternative solutions.

"What do you think we can do." "I am not able to say yes, but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?"

"How can we solve this problem?"
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
morningagain
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2013, 10:41:09 AM »

thanks jason! i will recite yoda's speech in my head next time i run into my ex!  i will let you know how it goes... .

Hey bananas 

Glad you took my response well - I was a little concerned you might view me as flippant.  I was being serious but also with some humor, and you seem to get that  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It is really tough for me to figure out how to enforce my boundaries.  I have to slow things (like my mind) down, and figure out if I am acting on my values, or against them.  it just takes practice... .

":)o, young Jedi, there is no try... . "  (at least once you know what you are setting about to do... . )



Jason
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Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.   Psalms 30
Bananas
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« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2013, 11:55:29 AM »

Thanks Val and SB!  I am going to work on DEARMAN.  Since I am not on the staying board, this is a new tool for me which I feel will be really useful!  Today, he is back to ignoring me completely so it looks like I will have some time to practice.  It does help me to have a sort of "script" of what to say, I find myself feeling less anxious this way as I never know when I may run into him and I never know how he will act. 

And Jason... . I apprecaite humor.  Not to take this stuff lightly but it does help to laugh!  Especially when I have cried more in the last four months then since when I was a baby I suppose.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2013, 11:58:07 AM »

Since I am not on the staying board, this is a new tool for me which I feel will be really useful! 

I think people confuse staying with being in an intimate relationship.  Simply staying means limited contact as well.  If you have to have contact, then using the skills is going to make it easier for both of you.

DEARMAN, JADE, PUVAS, Boundaries - these are all skills that are great with ANY person, not just pwBPD.

Good luck!
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
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