why be painted black i choose yellow

[awomanlearning]

Yesterday i sent the hardest email of my life the email telling my husband i want a divorce and yes the madness followed stupid things that i ALLOWED to get to me. Tonight he skyped the kids i was told by health proffessionals i need to be in the room with the children when he skpyes. God i was close to tears, head down, not looking at the screen but hearing the happy voice annoyed me here i was hurting and he was chatting way with the children like its just another day.

So iv decieded that they paint us black yes, I REFUSE i prefer yellow or any pretty colour because im a wonderful person who was manipulated by someone i though knew what love was. Now after 15 years together and on affair number 2 the games are being played and i will not play people i refuse im taking my toys and going home i will not allow this person to dictate to me anymore. I chose to be sad when he skypes because my children a little innocent son of 4 and a amazing daughter of 8 are in love with their "perfect" father that hurts. BUT if i took this man back I know in years to come these two amazing children will turn to me and say mom why did you take him back and he treated and continued to treat you badly what will my answer be ... . i love him... . which meant i did not love my self to allow myself to be treated so badly by one person because of how i felt about him. So i will not take this person back i will fight my emotions to the end i have to how will i answer to my children one day when they ask that question... . i cant can i.

I pray that he seeks the help he needs but knowing his with his new "love" that seems a far stretch. So people i say to you stop refering to them painting us black that is giving them more power and havent they suck us dry of an power we had left and the little we got in reserve we hold on to with a thread. Pick a colour you like yes it hurts i know i suffer it day in day out i wake in the morning his on my mind i lay down to sleep his my last thought but we did nothing wrong except love an emotion that should be cheerist not stepped on and dragged through the dirt.

So try just for a moment to change that dark scary colour to something beautiful i know difficult to do when you feel like every emotion within you is ready to burst at the seams a the exact same moment! when rage, bitterness, sadness, hope, forgiveness and love all become one emotions just take a breath see your colour and see you that wonderful human being that knows how to love and be loved just think of who you are and dont be painted black its so dark no light can penitrate it allow light back into our lives so other who deserve of love will see it and know we worth it. I WILL ALL WAYS BE YELLOW.

[NewWays]

AWL... .

I agree with you, when they paint black, any other different color is better than the "You are worthless" black!

Keep those beautiful children as emotionally safe as you can!  Remember, we all learn from our parents/FOO and you children are no different!

I wanted children so bad... . but now it seems to be a blessing! Going thru a divorce with a spouse that has BPD symptoms or has been diagnosed with the same is a painful path to navigate for you and your children... . as I've said on here before... . I do not know how those with children do it!  You are a better person than I am for all that you have to do for both of them.

I, like you am looking back over the p10.    When the same problems recur again and again p

past 16 years and I am seeing things that are part of the junkyard of crap that I allowed to happen.

I wish you peace as you and your children travel your path!

New Ways

[Rose Tiger]

I love your post, yes take back the power and be a pretty color.  I love you showing your children, no, this is not what I choose and the role model you are being for them.  It is a huge battle of emotions of setting aside our past feelings for this person that we in some odd way care about and knowing that giving in to those emotions is no good for us.  Fight to the end, I love this statement.

[NewWays]

awomanlearning... .

Just checking in to see how you are doing... .

New Ways