Ok the smear campaign is real How to deal with this...

[Undone123]

Right, I made a request for some closure 4 months on, from my un diagnosed BPD ex... . She was undiagnosed, and I suspected it. But I am diagnosing her for sure with a cluster b personality disorder, on this basis... .

I sent a text asking for closure. I got a return text, projecting everything on to me, and then calling me physically abusive, and then saying "I am telling everyone what your like. The didn't like you in the first place, and they don't like you even more now"... . this is a huge worry. I am in the same profession, in the same area as my ex. This is a massive concern.

Any ideas?

I emailed her mother all the correspondance. Probably not a good idea but I was panicking... . I got a nice reply, but i suspect she's buying this physical abuse stuff. I'm not bothered about her mothers thoughts of me, I am bothered about my career... .

Help... .

[charred]

Is it real... . there isn't much you can do to stop it if it is happening. Yes pwBPD can smear you, and it can cause problems, they can also tweak you, not follow through and have you out running to cover your rear when nothing has happened.

Asking for closure doesn't work... . I think you are finding that out. The best tact is probably being centered, de-stressing, and dealing with people as normally as you can. IF she contacts people... . some may believe her, some won't, some will wait and see. I grew up with an NPD father, and pwNPD are experts at trashing people... . the favorite of my dad was to talk someone up as "crazy" and then get the person concerned enough to run around and talk to people... . and the end result was that people believed my dad... . because the person did what he said they would.  In my experience, my pwBPD was a much better manipulator and liar in person than my dad... . but didn't have the skill at trashing someone's reputation as that really took a mean person with a vendetta and time and the ability to stick to it. The pwBPD could be mean as a junk yard dog when mad, but in the circumstances you are describing, I would not expect them to actually spend a lot of time chasing people down to cause you trouble... . and if they did, also chasing people down to warn or try to do damage control isn't nearly as effective as being cool, calm, collected and able to clearly articulate your position on things.

Might look in to mindfulness if you are having a hard time with the stress... . sounds like a stressful situation. I lost a job due to my pwBPD... . but it was from her calling my employer and client where I was working some 30 times in a day... . didn't go over well with a brokerage firm.

[Undone123]

Is it real... . there isn't much you can do to stop it if it is happening. Yes pwBPD can smear you, and it can cause problems, they can also tweak you, not follow through and have you out running to cover your rear when nothing has happened.

Asking for closure doesn't work... . I think you are finding that out. The best tact is probably being centered, de-stressing, and dealing with people as normally as you can. IF she contacts people... . some may believe her, some won't, some will wait and see. I grew up with an NPD father, and pwNPD are experts at trashing people... . the favorite of my dad was to talk someone up as "crazy" and then get the person concerned enough to run around and talk to people... . and the end result was that people believed my dad... . because the person did what he said they would.  In my experience, my pwBPD was a much better manipulator and liar in person than my dad... . but didn't have the skill at trashing someone's reputation as that really took a mean person with a vendetta and time and the ability to stick to it. The pwBPD could be mean as a junk yard dog when mad, but in the circumstances you are describing, I would not expect them to actually spend a lot of time chasing people down to cause you trouble... . and if they did, also chasing people down to warn or try to do damage control isn't nearly as effective as being cool, calm, collected and able to clearly articulate your position on things.

Might look in to mindfulness if you are having a hard time with the stress... . sounds like a stressful situation. I lost a job due to my pwBPD... . but it was from her calling my employer and client where I was working some 30 times in a day... . didn't go over well with a brokerage firm.

Thanks for the advice! To be fair I panicked I'd have never sent the correspondence to her mother saying this is a step too far, had the ex not brought mine in months ago, smearing me with distorted truths... . This wasn't on though. Far too far... . I think it could be real, there have been a couple of weird work place incidents that I put down to me being a bit paranoid, but now not so... .

I have really retracted. I know asking for closure wasn't a great idea, to be honest I thought "4 months is a long time for her, she may be different"... . It was all sparked last week, I felt great, set up a dating site account, as I felt it appropriate to start dating again, and Bang! she's there! That triggered all sorts of things. I've gone no contact with her before, particularly on social networking, because it's seeing the pictures that get to me.

She sent my mother a nice small talk email today. Things have gotten so weird the last 10 days... .

I hate this disorder, but still love her. You think you don't then they pop up and it dysregulates you... .

My life has really picked up, and I'm quite protective of it, asking for closure was such a bad idea, but in a way I'm glad, because at least I now know the extent of the smear I before just suspected... . I hope it's not real, but my gut says it is.

Man I just don't know

[GreenMango]

What's the story behind the physical accusations?  Did it get physical?

Sounds like communicating with eachothers parents is causing problems.

[motherof1yearold]

Hate to hear you're going through this! I've been there, and I'm still going through it.

First thing I really need to tell you, is that you won't get closure from HER. Asking for it also made her feel in control and more powerful. Predictably, she denied that closure and always will, as a form of punishment. It's one of the worst things you can do to an ex partner.

You will have to find closure yourself,without any input from her.

As far as the smear campaign goes, it has MOST LIKELY been going on behind your back since you two were actually together. They smear because it validates (falsely) that they are not disordered and places the blame back on you.

[danley]

My ex attempted the smear campaign but only probably to someone he said he might be interested in. So it hurt, but I didn't really care as I don't know her. We work together and I believe he has better sense than to smear me at work because he knows he will only make himself look bad in the process. I think the smear campaigns come partly because they have a desire to make themselves believe they are the good guy. Stand your ground and speak the truth. Hang in there.

[Undone123]

There was an incident! She got violent on a couple of occassions. I probably came close to getting hit, on a few more. There were definitely a couple where I thought "I'm gonna get hit here"... . But this incident is not phsyical abuse, and I am not physically abusive. Those close to me know I'm soft. But it's the career I definitely worry about... .

Yes communicating to each others mothers is awful. She did it a lot when we first broke up, and I protected her. Thought "she'll come back" so I justified her actions, and her contact to my mother... . My mum know's little, and still really likes her. I never wanted to smear her to my family, because I thought "oh here we go again" when she broke up with me. "This is a monthly occurrence.

It wasn't good me sending the correspondence to her mother, but then I think at least her mother knows there is a bit of an issue. Closure was a baaad idea, but again, she is undiagnosed. So I was flipping mentally between "yea she has BPD" and "it's probably me who had the problem"... . So i think I was probably testing the waters asking for closure. Now I am sure this is cluster B. I'm getting sorted for codependency... . But I'm stuggling to work out now, what is actually genuine unconditional love (which is what I felt I had for her, and definitely have not had for any other woman) and my childhood trauma issues... .

I have drawn a line in the sand now though. I'd have taken her back in a flash, as long as we got the help and therapy needed. But this is a step too far... .

I just can't believe how crazy these situations are.

[Take2]

I think most of us can relate to this... .   I work with my ex-undiagnosed-BPD-bf... .   He has had some family issues recently (dad had stroke a month ago) and has been waaaaaay off the charts dysregulated since even before that happened.  I have been told over and over how he will tell anyone who comes in contact with me how horrible I am - we work together as well so I have had moments of panic that my peers will think it's ME that is the crazy one!   But that said, people know me, they know I am not an abusive person.  And it's gotten so bad that I've had to tell a couple people at work how bad it is truly out of fear.  I am probably going to have to ask to work from home soon because it's getting impossible to focus there when I'm contantly barraged by his rages. 

I think like Danley said here that mine probably won't say anything to people at work because it would wind up making him look bad.  But I am certain he paints me black to his friends (the 2 he has) and any girls he speaks to (whoever it is at the moment, I have no idea).  He did this to me about his ex's and I thought for a very long time that they were the disordered ones.

That said - we all know it takes two to contribute to the dynamic of a BPD r/s - even if only one of us has BPD.  My codependency played just as big a role in this r/s as his BPD. 

Like others have said here... . Be strong.  Hold your head high.  KNOW that you are a good person.  People might listen to her, they might not.  But this WILL blow over quickly in others eyes and they will find something else to gossip about.  Just keep holding your head high and anyone who listened to her will eventually realize the truth... .

[GreenMango]

These highly emotionally charged breakups escalate fast.  It can be hard to step out of the build up.

All I can say about the smear campaign is if it isn't a criminal stuff try to remember who you are - what is important to you - and live by those principles.  People could believe her but if you continue to be a level headed person with integrity with them and not get involved in her emotional chaos they will notice.

There were many time I just wanted to tell them listen that didn't happen and this person is ill, but it will only make things worse. 

It will take time though.  I usually just responded in the diplomatic way.  Don't talk about her to others.  Don't get caught up in defending yourself against accusations and exposing her.  It's like a crash course in PR.

[Undone123]

Man I haven't talked about her to anyone. My refuge became this site... .

She knows I'm a pretty private guy. AKA codependent. And I definitely take a lot of responsibility for the relationships demise, but seeing her triggered this want for closure that I had been pretty much over... . It's such a mad thing codependency. I can see why they call it love addiction. I was thinking whilst having a cigarette, "this is just like giving up smoking". When I've stopped smoking before (I always self medicate with cigarettes) I'm fine, but if I see or smell one too soon after stopping, I can relapse.

Anyway I'm hitting therapy... . I have loved everyone on this site. It really provided me with a lot of answers to why crazy hit was happening. Explained why I was treated why I was, and why I behaved as I did. But now it's probably time to stop posting, and sort myself out instead of concentrating on her... . The answers can only be found within from now!

Thank you all.