what stage am i at?

[simplyasiam]

i sleep ok cant nap after work becouse naps are filled with dreams of ex

weight loss is under control

starting to be able to think a little more clear but still stuck on past for most part

i know it was bad from start but still not ready to stop dreaming of her coming back evem knowing shes moved into her own place this past week.

i want and try to meet someone new but i know this could go bad if im not careful.

im not blaming myself

i know ex has BPD (classic waif) and bipolar 2 but not sure how much of the past 6 years has been her and how much was illness

i dont go out after work or weekend just stay home watching tv and jumping around from facbook to here to online dating

at work every day on time... . dont get as much done as i should

cry very little

am blocking alot of mind

still feel sick alot

reaching out to family when needed

reading online links here to try and heal

seeing a counsler.

just wondering where some of you think im at on the road to healing and detachment what will be next on this trip

[delusionalxox]

lord simplyasiam I wish I knew... . I wish you could tell me!

How long has it been since you went NC?

I've only managed 4 days NC on my part... . more than 2 weeks on his. He originally cut me off in earl June with much high moral posturing and wishes for my lasting 'serenity' etc. for about a month I pretty much bombarded him with texts and emails which he mostly ignored except (on the day of my abortion) to tell me how deeply I had damaged him (he didn't mention the pregnancy or even acknowledge it).

I am going to count the NC days... . when I get to 30 I'll feel I have achieved something... .

I still want closure from him... . but I will never get it. I think I've nearly accepted that now. But today I still fantasised about calling him... . whether to forgive or be forgiven I don't know... . just somehow to undo this horror.

I can't enjoy much still and I wake up at  night all the time.

I wish i could wipe him and his existence from my mind, but NC will  have to do.

xxx

[simplyasiam]

i feel same way has you on many points. its been 30 days for me,

i use to txt call and beg but i learned to stop that years ago... . what a thing to have to say

its a mess i would wish on noone.

its really hell when you knew long ago  you should have walked away but stuck it out till they used you for  all they could get then walked aaway.

its so upseting not know where you stand not know if your safe and can just heal yourself or do you need to keep your walls up couse they will recycle

[seeking balance]

you are right where you need to be... . sorry, but it is true.  You are surviving and that is a good place to be.

We all go through the process slightly different depending upon our own emotional baggage.

That said, give yourself time to adjust.  Real time.  How you spend your time is as equally important as giving yourself the time.  I did a lot of "acting" how I knew a healthy person "should" behave... . not really always aligned with my feelings.  I let myself feel my feelings as they came up, I tried hard not to react or be irrational, but sometimes I did.  We all do the best we can.

Closure comes when we truly accept that our relationship was very damaged from the beginning and no words from us or them could have changed the outcome.  This comes with time & tears mixed in with a bit of therapy.

Be kind to yourself - what does being kind to yourself look like for you?

[simplyasiam]

thank you seeking. well im not blaming myself for any of it really i know i couldnt have changed it lord knows i tried.

she was will to do almost nothing for herself so what could i do

worked every  day home every nite never put her down... . tried to be a good man i know that.

im giving myself time

not leting myself think it was good it was most all bad

i think for now leting myself see these things is my being kind to myself