Are they ever better for the next one?

[supernurse]

It appears my dBPDh of almost 19 years and I are separating.  He has had 3 affairs that I know of now (the latest being with our daughter's Sunday School teacher, who then proceeded to tell all of the other girls in the class & humiliate our daughter!).  I told him after the second affair and the diagnosis of BPD last year that infidelity is a boundary of mine and that I would not be able to be with him if he cheated again, so I asked him to leave the house after this one.  Then I found him drunk and on a date 10 days later getting ready to go home with the girl.  He's now looking at apartments.  He says he needs time to figure out which person he wants to be and surround himself with people who fit into his mold instead of trying to cram himself into someone else's.  He has made several comments about finding someone new.  I know there will be someone else (or several someone elses) very soon.  I think he is looking forward to his new "free" future, while I am falling apart.         

Anyway, I spent 19 years asking him (and sometimes begging him) for the things that I need as his wife with little or no concern and certainly no effort.  So here's my question:  Have any of your exes gone on to the next relationship and been great?  Have they done everything for the new one that they would never do for you?  The separation is killing me, and more than anything, I am so scared that he will start over with someone new and do everything right.  I think it would absolutely kill me to see him doing the things for someone else that I just needed him to do for me.  I'm so worried about this that I can't seem to let him go, even though I asked for the separation.     

[SWLSR]

Supernurse

Your writing really touched me.  Many of us have gone through it.  The separation will be tough but stay strong.  As for the next relationship sometimes they do get better usually they dont.  They fall into the same pattern with the next person.  We are here though.  Reach out to these folks they will help you.

[mango_flower]

Looking at the fact he's seen numerous people and had more than one affair, I'd say he doesn't know who he is or who he wants to be.  So likely he'll go through the same patterns again and again.

It hurts, I know.

It's a scary thought to think they could possibly somehow get fixed and get every happiness with their new partner, when that happiness was supposed to belong to YOU and the BPD. It seems unfair... . very unfair.

One thing that always helped me is if I asked myself "Would I swop and put myself in BPD-ex's shoes?  All happy and loved up with a new partner?".  Answer is no - I'd hate to be my ex... . cos I know the pain she lives with every day x

[ScotisGone74]

I believe they may be better for a while,  a short while, until the reality of the relationship sets in, that this new Man/Woman turns out to actually not be Jesus for them.  That the new person will still have bills, have to breath and eat, get sick like everyone else, may have views different than them.  And then once that new person gets soo close , well they must be planning to leave or be cheating, and then, well you know what happens next, the circle of BPD.  Glad to be out of the Loop and sitting in the stands.  Although it hurts terribly now, in time you will be too. 

[gallerykey]

I know how you feel, this is exactly the same thoughts I have. Its only day 2 of NC and its tearing me apart thinking hes already with someone else (although suspect he may of had someone lined up already). I have supported and helped him, he is seeing a therapist and claims he really wants to sort himself out as he doesnt like the way he is, yes I believed him as I usually do but then the nasty comments follow straight afterwards and I know its more lies. Will I survive this? I dont know, doesnt feel like it and thats when I get angry with him because hes always alright as its always been about him. Ok, crying again now x

[anker]

BPD is a serious mental illness. "a new relationship" is not a cure for that.

[snowwhite]

They will not be better with the next person. They will probably be worse and try to contact you again when the next person turns out to be just another human being with needs and problems of their own.

This will end, but only if you let go.

[GreenMango]

BPD is a pervasive pattern of approaching the world - thinking, feeling, and acting.  The Sometimes people with BPD get the right support, have people around them that have healthy boundaries, and they function better.

This approach doesn't change with a "unicorn" person.  It takes a lot of hard work.

It's real easy to beat yourself up more if they appear stable with someone else.  This other person may have matched values and relating style that works for them.  Ex. They like the emotional drama, or they don't care about monogamy.

It's doesn't work for you.  That's the most important here.  What you deserve, your kids needs, and what you need.  He isn't measuring up - try not to beat yourself up or compare yourself to a hypothetical - its an unfair thing to do to yourself.

[ron7127]

You were in a super abusive relationship if he cheated three times(and those may only be the ones you know of).

Your H is an abuser, a serial cheater. These folks are wire fundamentally differently than people with consciences. They do not change.

Your H will continue to abuse whoever he winds up with.

Now, you need to look into why you tolerated this for so long. What is within you that lets you take this stuff?

Many of us need to do this: figure out why we let ourselves be abused.

[tailspin]

supernurse,

What you're feeling is normal and understandable.  We have all wondered, at some point, if we somehow "fixed" them and now they are finally that great person we wished they were the entire time.  However, it's important to understand that the person we saw was the person we wanted them to be and not the real person they actually are.  Eternal optimists and people-pleasers have a difficult time letting go of abusive relationships due to our own issues.  He doesn't matter anymore.  You matter now.

Our ex's may change partners but their dance is still a crazy one.  Eventually, the music will stop and our replacement will be dropped on their head just like we were.  My point is that faces will change and you will be replaced... . but their patterns of behaving will never change because their abandonment trauma will continue to surface regardless of who they are with.

But the focus needs to be why you held on for so long.  Once you crack this code it won't matter who they're dancing with.

tailspin

[simplyasiam]

tailspin i think you hit the nail on the head.

i know its my feeling of being unloveable thats ketp me in this mess.

my exBPDg/f cheated 5 times i know of in 6 years and moved out 15 times over those years.

she had new b/f before she left this time like most times before.

at frist she seemed so much better/happy/out going a whole new person... . the 15 days

then she was in and out of here 3 time in the next 15 days calling new b/f in front of me telling him she coming back to me then going back to him.

her last day here i told her i was seeing someone new this seemed to triger something in her.

its been 30 somedays now with N/C from her

her borther told me shes having a hard time with money and car is broke down. i think what every i trigered let her black me totaly out, as shes never in 6 years been away and been upset and not called to have me pick chear her up.

piont is i think no matter how good they seem in time old cycles come back, just a matter of will they try and pull you back in

[stop2think]

In my case, i would say he would DEFINITELY get worse if he were just in a r/s but since he got what he LONGED for - married. I don't know, may be , may be not - I WILL NEVER KNOW.

[goodguy]

In my case, i would say he would DEFINITELY get worse if he were just in a r/s but since he got what he LONGED for - married. I don't know, may be , may be not - I WILL NEVER KNOW.

The general experience of those on this board is that BPDs get WORSE, not better, after getting married.

[supernurse]

Thanks to you all for the replies.  I think, cognitively, I know he wouldn't be better, but he's done such a good job of convincing me that I was the problem that it's difficult not to worry that he will find someone who doesn't have all the "hang-ups and problems" that I do and someone who accepts him the way he is.  All I've ever heard is how it's all my fault and if I had just been there for him the way he needed me to be, everything would have been okay. 

I'm sure I've held on this long because it's all I've known since I was 19 years old.  He's the only person I've ever dated and been with - I have absolutely no idea what a real relationship is supposed to look like.  I am scared to death to let this one go and find out it's no better anywhere else and that now my kids have lost their family and stability for nothing better, and it's again all my fault.  I know - I'm in crazy mode right now. <sigh>       

[ScotisGone74]

Thats just BPD, they have to appear normal or happy to everyone on the outside, the problem is that they can Never face the fact that they have some major flaws/problems of their own to work on, they need someone to blame everything on-thats where we come in.

If you could never stand to be alone AND you couldn't take any responsibility for ANY flaws/problems who do you think you'd blame it on?  Everyone of us is far from perfect, the problem is that we can admit it, BPD's can't take the first step to saying that for fear that their house of cards of may crumble. 

At the beginning of my experience I didn't think I could live or go on another day honestly, after 8 months of NC it all becomes clearer and brighter each day.  Hang in there. 

[LosingIt2]

Arrested development. They have no conception of their own free will. A pwBPD NEEDS to blame someone else. They are not whole and they are broken. Whomever takes on the role of the primary object will be blamed for their internalized sense of failure. We are replacements for their original primary object, who failed them in the the beginning.

[Deleted]

Super nurse,

I doubt it. My exBPD would tell me stories of her horrible traumatic experiences with past men. Any guy who truly got too close for comfort would get the proverbial boot in the ass or some sort of action that would sabotage the relationship. This would then be accompanied by the "you have hurt me more than all of the guys put together". They don't take the blame neither do 5 year old kids. Are they better with the next person? Deep down we all wish that they suffer like how we suffer but the truth is our suffering is perhaps a small fraction of the pain they feel.

Many of us here are petrified that our exBPD will be better with the next person. Truth is, BPD is a mental illness that requires professional help for an extended amount of time. No new girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife could ever fix what years of therapy could MAYBE do.

[papawapa]

The only way would be if they actually get help and stick with it, and remember even when they get help they are not cured, they are only better equipped to handle their internal strife. On top of that the new partner needs to know what ails them and has to be capable of learning all the tools necessary and has the commitment to be their caretaker. The odds are stacked against it ever happening.

[scuba02]

to me this analogy seems to fit "you can put a jacka$$ in the trunk and drive to California, when you get to California, you're in a different place, but still have a jacka$$ in the trunk... . "

Its the same as the geographical cure with alcoholism... . people, places and things don't fix inside... . IT DOSEN"T WORK... . trust me, tried it!

[oolia]

I wouldn't bet on it. I know my BPD ex has done some work on himself, but my bet is that once in the crucible of a romantic relationship his demons will find him.  And her. All I can say is, God bless her soul, whoever she is.  I hope she'll see the red flags sooner than I did.

[goldylamont]

supernurse, absolutely not. but, your exh will almost assuredly find a new victim and then go around showing the world how happy he is now with a new person. and when you talk with him he will find ways to tell you how much happier he is with this person and continue to try to punish you and hurt you with this.

it's all lies. don't believe any of it. ok? don't believe any of these lies. he wasn't happy before and the next woman he's with will be another victim of his emotional poison. it's a game and he wants it to hurt you. and it's ok to hurt b/c that's what normal people do, we hurt, but just know that it's a lie.

you are worth far more than any fantasy he creates to hide from himself and to hurt you. all you have to do is wait and you'll start hearing about how all these "perfect" r/s he's in break down and end terribly. my exBPDgf tried abusing me with a new bf she got at the drop of a hat after we broke up and still lived together--she put that guy through the ringer and drove him completely nuts in 4 months. i know i shouldn't but a part of me chuckles about it now. i feel kind of sorry for the guy though... . but honestly he should have been smarter. however i know she'll meet other truly nice men in her life (like me) and fool them unfortunately. sometimes i wish there was some sort of Amber Alert for pwBPD 

take care of yourself!

[papawapa]

Another thing is they are attracted to other people with the same or similar core issues that we have. They are unhealthy and will end up with another unhealthy person. Frankly, a healthy whole person will see the red flags we all missed and not fall into their trap.

[hellnback]

I was the "next one" after her last relationship. We lasted 15 years. Guess what? She wasn't "better" with me. I bet there are a lot of people here who were the "next one" too.

Maybe you were the "next one", was it better with you?

[scuba02]

I'll second that! I was the "next one" and the guy before me was the "next one" and the guy before him was the "next one"... . Thats as far back as we ever got... . Not sure if she was any better for me but lets just say her blocked list on Facebook is extensive... . She started dating the "next one" the day we broke up... . I really do feel for him in some weird way

[Suzn]

He's the only person I've ever dated and been with - I have absolutely no idea what a real relationship is supposed to look like.  I am scared to death to let this one go and find out it's no better anywhere else and that now my kids have lost their family and stability for nothing better, and it's again all my fault.  I know - I'm in crazy mode right now. <sigh>       

I'm sorry this is so painful supernurse.    It's perfectly normal to feel scared right now. It takes two for a healthy relationship, it's not all your fault.

This is what a healthy relationship looks like: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

I hope she'll see the red flags sooner than I did.

Here is the million dollar answer. When we get to know ourselves better, our behaviors better, we start to see the behaviors of others better, healthy and unhealthy. "Red Flags"/How to choose emotionally healthier partners

i feel kind of sorry for the guy though... . but honestly he should have been smarter.

Our failure to see the flags have nothing to do with intelligence. They have everything to do with our own emotional maturity, our triggers from past hurts and how comfortable we are with being alone.