Was I the one Recycling?

[scuba02]

I feel like my question is pretty simple but again they never our... . So my question is was I the one recycling and does that make me at fault? The reason I ask this is to help in my personal journey of discovery about myself my faults and the role I played in this... . I broke up with my ex two or three times over the course of our year relationship... . The one that stands out the most is leaving her with no contact after she went in my computer and deleted photos of my past marriage... . I excused it as being ok eventually and went back to her... . I thought it may be normal of her to be jealous and in some way deemed it okay... . The other break ups were usually following similar situations of either lying or conduct... . Though she is in a new relationship as of the day we broke up i'm set on time alone to work on myself and the role I played... . Maybe she can be in a healthy new relationship right now but for me the pain is far to deep... . The only baseline i have to work of off is in my past relationship/marriage this never happened... . We never broke up nor did we ever verbally abuse one another yell or fight... . We could also agree to disagree and move on from whatever subject... . Something we could not do in his last relationship... . am i the one who is losing it here or can these relationships bring out the worst in us as well? 

[delusionalxox]

oh scuba the level of anguished self blame you display in your posts reminds me so much of myself... . I do the same self-bashing and I think it hurts even more than what our pwBPD can do to us!

You obviously collaborated in the recycles, you had to or else you could not have got back together. The bond with a pwBPD is overpoweringly strong. This is why we go back. 

One thing is clear, she's not a healthy person. The thing you say about deleting wedding photos on your computer is just appalling and so intrusive. Then with someone else the day you break up? And you are wondering who is the crazy one/ 

I get you though. I'm about to post myself about the continual feelings of horrible guilt and my internalisation of the loss as a fault of my own. I think it's  natural plus pwBPD play on weaknesses- mine certainly did.

[scuba02]

servalan83 the pain we deal with can be so overwhelming at times... . The picture incident happened about a month after we started dating... . The only reason she owned up to it is i caught her red handed... . I spoke to my therapist about this (and a few other white lies) when it happened... . i can't say he didn't warn me then to get away... . "if she would lie to you about this and so soon where would it stop"... . Well, he was exactly right and it never did... . I'm sure you've read but at about this time I was told i had to stop reading mens magazines (maxim, fhm) because they were "porn"... . Also i could no longer shoot photography of other female models (meet her when she molded for my company) but she could still model for male photographers... . If I did these things I was a "porn addict"... . Looking back it all seems so foolish of me... . Again i'm by no means condone or use this to justify my actions but its almost like she was waiting to catch me doing something so she could justify her actions... . I'm not a perfect person and i'm the first to admit that... . What I do know is that I get to "choose again" and i believe through all of this pain I will take a much different path... . Alcohol caused so much pain in my life that one day and through the help of AA/my god I surrendered and accepted... . I know I can do the same with the choice to be unfaithful... . The thing that bewilders me is that if I can work and change the things that hurt me the most why can't I see the forest through the tress and let her go? She's not sitting around hurting or thinking of me right now... . She's enjoying being "in love" with the new me ... . I still make myself sick wondering if ill ever hear from her again... . I'm assuming not because when I would cut ties she would call, text and show up here incessantly... . Now that she's the one thats broke it of not a word   

[delusionalxox]

Yeah breaking into someone's computer and personal stuff is a massive, massive  of a truly disordered person. Ex was reading my texts and messages from very early on and was massively, massively jealous and in a very aggressive way. He thought he had every right to do it as I was sexually 'liberal', 'mentally ill' and untrustworthy. I am sure he still feels justified in it.

Whenever we split up he would accuse me of gothic, incredible cheating including orgies arranged by my 'liberal' female friends... . just crazy. But get me, I would go back to him... . in the end as 'friends'... .

Yeah the hypocrisy is typical too, he could be in touch with all his exes and keep people in the wings... .

of course she was waiting to catch you out. It's that 'hater' phase of BPD where they Must find reasons for their rage and mistrust.

I'm not perfect either. And they know it and latch on. By the end of this 'relationship' (downgraded to 'friends' since January) I was just crazy. The very worst of me had come out. I was alternately clinging and rejecting, bombarding him with angry and miserable emails as he devalued and distanced from me and labelled me the psycho as my behaviour was feeding into it.

I've got my problems, depression etc, but I truly believe I was getting better when I met him. Or would have :D

No I have not had a word either and I don't think I ever will. he has entirely discarded me. while pregnant. Left me in the hit without a single word of concern or friendship just patronising dismissal.

I blame myself too, was reading over my emails to him from end May and god they were indeed long, intense and frequent   but I'd truly gone mad at that point.  The mixed messages from him were astonishing. And by god, I had good reason to be.

I still get urges to apologise to him for what I did wrong... . but he would never, ever apologise to me... . or take responsbility for anything, except in one email which vanished into the ether.

The pain does fade a bit. Reading those emails, I was like a wounded animal howling at the moon! I haven't contacted ex in 7 days now (woo!  ) and I'm feeling more like my old self. The free, liberated person whom I was before I met him, who enjoyed life and didnt' feel like a fake, a cheat, a liar, a letdown, a materialist who has not understood how to live... . all the things he told me I was... .

In a year's time who knows? 

[scuba02]

Hey servalan83, thanks for the responses as it really helps to talk about this and get things out with someone in a similar situation... . Its so difficult and family and friends just don't seem to understand... . Its funny how you yourself don't see all the bad but if to talk to anyone who was around you they saw it all along... . Before i moved out of the country last November on my work assignment I was telling everyone how I could't wait to leave to get away from this madness... .

Now that its in the rearview mirror i can now see some other red flags along with things already discussed... . In past relationships she was always the victim... . In the previous two physically abused and cheated on... .

When I met here she was dating a guy "who treated her like crap" but had no specifics... . She once told me the boyfriend who cheated on her called four months after their breakup for "closure" makes me wonder if she contacted or he did? Also when i had broken it off for a few days over deleting my photos I caught her talking to the guy who was "treating her like crap" when we met... . She assured me she was talking to him about us and how to get me back... . One thing i do remember is I always felt I could never get emotionally close to her... . This was a big problem for me as i'm a very emotional person... . She always seemed at arms length and the most I ever got out of her was early on her saying "i'll push you away"... . When ever we had a rage it was solved by having sex and not like talking about it like I wanted

She moves to Australia this week for 5 months... . i know its not my concern but can't help but wonder how this new relationship will hold up through that? She was just at my pool a couple weeks back talking to a girlfriend of mine about meeting some cute OZ guys with accents... . My friend later told me this and thought it was strange as i had just left for a minute to run in the house... .  

[delusionalxox]

Yeah all my exes exes had behaved 'appallingly' to him (except one long ago idealised one).

He was quite open about how he had semi-cheated on them all, hooking up with exes and admirers the minute he split up with them, then getting back together with them. He also did the same to me once. He once proudly told me 'I am very bureaucratic about my flings, I have them only during periods of separation' (!) Yet when I contacted exes at all during our splits it was 'cheating', I was a 'liar and a wanker', etc. He would check constantly for new evidence against me, to an insane extent.

you can bet the ex who 'treated her badly' probably just dumped her or told her a few home truths. And I think your prediction about Oz is quite right. She'll certainly be cheating over there anyway, if she can.

BPD seems to be  a disease of hypocrisy in many ways. The way ex could condemn and fulminate about behaviour he would readily indulge in himself, then glibly excuse himself like a 9 year old, was just astonishing to me and almost the worst thing about him- worse than the rages and criticism etc, because he was so totally unaware of it and how dehumanising it was.

[scuba02]

She was never very open about past infidelity but always said she would "never cheat" because her past boyfriend had "cheated"... . If she broke up with him and hated him so much why did she still have a file on her computer titled "my baby" with naked photos of him long after we had been in a relationship... . The only reason I saw them was we were cooking one day and she asked me to go on her computer for a recipe... . There was the file on the startup page... . She then exclaimed to have put them in the trash but then took them out when we had an argument... . So strange... . makes me wonder if he finally got rid of her and she was the one that contacted him four months later! When she left and ran her smear campaign I was so close to messaging the new man... . So glad I didn't because getting out soon would be to easy for him... . I actually feel bad for the time where she craps on his sole... . Funny because though sad I sat down last night and could relax... . I thought, no one to fight with, argue with or accuse me of something negative... . Unfortunately I had gotten so use to the chaos it now seems normal... . Cheating in Oz will be no problem as she is gorgeous... . The type thats likes to post pictures of herself in next to nothing and see how many male comments she can get... . The last one I saw was from some random guy that said "absolute bombshell"... . was her laying in bed!  Made me sick

[delusionalxox]

yeah my ex is also gorgeous, women all over him   

I think I have to confront my own shallowness here. If he had not been so stunning perhaps (?) the relationship would not have lasted as long as it did. I always felt plain myself, a nerd with nerdy boyfriends and into my life steps a Latin film star/porn star  I think I gave too much rope to the relationship because of that.

Looks were not 'it' though, the hook was the apparent vulnerability and childlike nature.

[spaceace]

I have felt this way as well... . I have to remind myself, a year into my marriage, my wife started this massive fight over who know's what. I left the house. I couldn't take the yelling. I had to get away and think. While I was out, my wife texted me. I had 2 cell phones. Personal and a work issued cell phone. I left the work phone at home. She texted me that she was going to break into my phone to see all the texts I was making (alluding to some secret person in my life?) and she was also going to log on to my computer to see all the p@rn sites I was visiting.

First off, I had no one else in my life. And second, I don't visit those sites. They disgust me. But she was going to town trying to log into my phone which has a function to erase the phones content if 10 unsuccessful log on's occur. She texted me that she erased the phone!  I was shocked... . and a bit miffed. As for my laptop, she found nothing. Afterwards, she tells me she did this to protect herself because her ex-husband would hide things from her and she had to be sure.

It was hurtful, embarrassing, frustrating and down right wrong to be put through that. YET... . I accepted her reasoning and understood why she did it because of her past.

That is all so wrong looking back at it. It was a MAJOR and instead of putting up hard and fast boundaries against this behavior,  I accepted it and tried to ease her worries. This is what happens in a relationship with a person who has a PD... . and it's not healthy.

I wish I would have known this then. It would have saved me a tremendous heartbreak... . but we live and learn and not allow those mistakes to happen again.

[delusionalxox]

yeah spaceace it's a massive  because it indicates that they don't see you as separate person with your own boundaries at all. Your stuff is theirs to take and know about. Ugh.

[delusionalxox]

I remember the last time ex did that (and accused me of 'organising an orgy' with a female friend ... . for god's sake... . !   ... . spending too much time on youporn perchance?  ) I felt so totally violated by him spitting his mad insults at me that I actually called the police. He was in IT and had threatened me that he could break into my email any time he liked. It was the 5th or 6th time he had done it.

one time I was chatting to a male friend. I was clear as to my boundary. I'd tentatively to go see him while ex and I were rowing (horribly and stressfully, I really needed a friend). Alright I can see how it might have looked but the emails themselves were entirely innocent and non flirty and we had been platonic friends for years already. Ex tracked my every email with him and sent an enraged text telling me I was a disgusting monster. All I had said was 'I am having such an awful time with x, so stressed' and my friend said 'well come over and see me I understand stuff like that feel free to have a cry'. Real porn stuff eh? 

After that he attacked ME for having made him 'feel so dirty' because he had HAD to read my emails. I am 'mentally unstable' and excessively liberal you see.

He even told me that people agreed with him. I was diagnosed bipolar at the time (diagnosis since withdrawn! I think it had a lot to do with living with him!) and he said a friend had said 'well, you have to watch those people ie 'mad' people, you never know what they are up to' (!)

He came from a conservative culture where jealousy and control of women are very acceptable, so combined with his BPD tendencies it was a real nightmare. He treated me like his property in every way but flawed, faithless property. And I am a ballsy feminist woman (!) but I ended up isolating myself from male friends etc because he made it all so hard for me. Thank God that bit is over... .

[delusionalxox]

oh btw I called the police for advice on how to counter his threat of monitoring me remotely... . I didn't get him arrested... . but he used that against me FOR THE REST OF THE RELATIONSHIP. 'you reported me to the police... . ' among a string of my other crimes including non-existent 'cheating'... .

My god, the abuse was really shocking. When I write it out I realise. And yet I can't hate  this guy. He was just so f***ed up poor thing.