There is something each and every one of us share, if we are reading or sharing on these forums... . answers. Closure. An end to the pain. And, perhaps most importantly, we seek (whether consciously or not) the knowledge of how to avoid the push-pull cycle in the future.
This is an advice post for those who have been abandoned by a BPD partner. It is not written for those staying in a BPD relationship; that is your choice, and I understand it entirely, but this is primarily designed for those never given that choice. Please feel free to add to it, ask questions of it, and challenge it. Reject it in it's entirety if you choose. But I hope you'll at least read it, and think about it.
First, let me tell you (briefly) about myself. It has been three months since my last BPD relationship ended. It has also been approximately 1 month since last contact (although, I am pleased to say, contact had been extremely limited until that point in any case). I won't regurgitate all that has been done and said to or by me in that time; like you all, I have been phenomenally hurt, and, at times, have acted in a way alien to my usual behaviour.
But that has been less and less of a problem as the weeks have gone by, and I feel like I have made several important steps forward. Frankly, I feel stronger in myself now than before the relationship began. I look around these forums, and see the pain and confusion, the desperate need to understand and be understood, that I felt so acutely when this was raw. And I am a rescuer, so I feel the need to share this with you, in the hope that it just might help someone.
Step One: First, you must understand BPD. It is a disease, that has affected the sufferer all their life. While manageable, all I have read tells me it is incurable. You were not the first to be told you were special, and all the others never understood them. You will not be the last to hear those words. Yes; he or she now counts you among those who betrayed her, or were not good enough for her. She may oscillate back to idealisation, but frankly, it is not only unlikely but probably doomed to end even more painfully and quickly than before, so abandon any hope of rekindling the relationship. That connection you once had has been irretrievably broken, and cannot be mended (or at least, that is what I take from what I have read).
Step Two: Understand the mechanics of the relationship. There is an excellent article on this on this very site, here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolvesYou need to not just understand, but also accept (i.e. truly believe) that your BPD relationship was unhealthy. Our partner was, in turns, needy, then abusive. They made us feel like giants one moment, and insects the next. We walked on eggshells far more than we lay down in green pastures.
You need to understand that you have had a narrow escape. That the relationship ending is a good thing, because it was not what you were looking for (i.e. true love, companionship, support, etc).
Step Three: Make a 'shopping list' of the qualities you desire in a partner. Now cross out the word 'desire', and replace with 'require'. Although you may revisit this many times through your life, and change things upon it, any change should be prompted by a change within yourself, not by anyone you have met. As an example, here is my list.
A) They must work, and be financially independent. They must demonstrate this by NEVER asking for money (either directly, or indirectly by burdening you with financial worries so you feel compelled to help).
B) They must be intellectually and conversationally my equal. We must be able to talk at length about matters that interest both of us. They must have ideals and views of their own, even if they challenge or contradict my own, and we should respect each other for our ability to reach reasoned conclusions.
c) They must respect me in front of others, and demonstrate such respect by addressing any private concerns IN private. I.E. no public demonstrations of jealousy, etc.
D) They must respect themselves, and not abuse alcohol or use illicit substances. They must not have a serious history of doing either.
E) They must be free of serious mental illness.
Your own list may be shorter or longer, the important thing is to recognise what you need in a partner, and not 'settle' for anything less. Frankly, we know we did settle with our BPDex, and that is a pattern we need to break. So far, in three months of singledom, I have had two serious opportunities to get involved in unhealthy relationships, and I am pleased to say I did not rebound. My list kept me safe.
Step Four: Recognise what it is about ourselves that allowed us to be drawn into such an unhealthy relationship. In my opinion, it is essentially one thing, although it may take different forms. After reading so many posts, and speaking in person to so many people who have experienced BPD relationships, I firmly believe we all suffer from an internal feeling of inadequacy; a lack of self-worth that made us vulnerable to being held up by our BPD partners to such lofty levels.
Many of us spend years (and fortunes) in therapies and treatments, but the answer always seems to be this. Don't get me wrong, if you feel you need or would benefit from professional help, go get it! I endorse it! But first ask yourself, do you already know the answer? Did your BPD partner's validation of you fill a feeling of emptiness, or otherwise give you a sense of self-worth that you had earlier been missing. Did their withdrawal of this idealisation destroy your feelings of self-worth?
Step Five: Work on addressing your own feelings of inadequacy. To this end, I would heartily recommend reading Neil Straus's book, 'The Game'. I have just put it down. Ostensibly a book about how to pick up women, it is actually far more than that. It is an interestingly honest examination of insecurities (both male and female), and how we all react to social programming as a result of these. It culminates in a fascinating conclusion on defeating those insecurities. Whether you are a man or woman, interested in men or women, I suggest you read this book.
Step Six: Go proactive. Go out and make new friends, and reconnect with old ones. Force yourself, even if you are not in the mood. You will rediscover the fun in life if you allow it an opportunity in, although it may take some time. Don't be afraid to flirt, and be flirted with, but perhaps hang back from acting on that for some time, until you feel healthy enough to make sensible decisions about the suitability of your partner. DO NOT be upset if someone rejects your friendship, or your flirtations. This will happen. Frankly, it will happen way more often than not. Part of getting over your insecurities, I believe, is recognising that not everyone will like you, but that's ok, because if you give enough people the opportunity to meet you and know you, plenty WILL like you.
If there is a seventh step, it's about moving on to healthy relationships and dating again. That's the subject of another forum, and frankly, I'm not quite there yet. Although I do feel closer now than three months ago... . in fact, I feel closer now than actually I have ever truly done before.
I really hope some of this helps some of you. The very fact that you cared for someone who was not kind to you shows that you have a nuturing nature, and that, if nothing else, means I know *I* would like you if we met. You probably rescue wounded animals, just like me. You probably just want to be loved and accepted, and to give love and acceptance, just like me. You probably need to work on understanding when that is a healthy response to a situation, and when it is not. Just like me.
NiceGuy
