I think my UBPD is cheating on me

[Confused76]

We have had a tough week, both feeling like we are not making the other a priority in their life. We've been trying to talk a lot, but it's been tough. Fast-forward to yesterday morning, and she tells me she has been invited to go to a tourist area and a water-park. While she is commuting, she gives me a call, and we have a long emotional talk about our wants and needs and how to move forward. It was a good conversation, and I thought we were on the same page. I asked who she was going to the water-park with, and she said her friend J, his son, and J's GF.

Let me interrupt, and tell you about J. J is a former co-worker from several years ago, that she has remained friends with. I've never met him, but have heard some about. The SO has told me that they have gone to Vegas together several times, but just as "friends", and he has always payed (he supposedly has a very good job). Recently J gave SO a car, cause she needed one and he had no need for this extra one (always sounded shady to me). They text a lot, and I'm usually told it's about his current relationship and how HIS GF thinks he is cheating. I asked SO if they had ever had any type of history, and she said they went on one date, and that was it, she never had any feelings for him. I always thought their relationship was maybe nontraditional, but never thought too much of it cause I tend to be a trusting individual, until yesterday.

-I'd also like to state she has babysat his 11 yr old son several times while J goes out on dates-

Yesterday evening, I'm browsing around SO's facebook page (OK, I was snooping), and I stumbled across something. Several years back, a J (I hadn't been told his last name, we will use Smith) had commented on one of her photos. This J had never made an appearance on her FB since we've been dating. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on his page. He didn't have much available to see on his page, besides a few pictures, and places he had been. The places is where things got interesting. In the middle of May, the SO had gone to Vegas, supposedly with a female friend. The story I was told was that the female friend had recently broken up with her boyfriend, and they both were going to a wedding in Vegas. The friends boyfriend felt bad, and payed to have SO's name on the ticket, and share a room at the MGM Grand. I got text updates throughout the trip. Well, first thing I see on J's page, was he had tagged himself at the MGM Grand on the exact day! Next thing I notice, was a few weeks earlier he had tagged himself seeing Iron Man 3. The same weekend, the SO had gone to see Gordon Lightfoot with a male friend (I had never asked who, cause I was trusting). She hadn't planned on spending the night, but they ran into an old friend who offered them a place to stay (similar story, huh?). So they stayed the night, and the next day all 3 of them went to the mall. SO did not want to shop, so she told me she went and watched Iron Man 3 alone. Hmmmmm... . J was tagged at the same theater, seeing the same movie, on the same day. Lastly, and this isn't as suspicious, but SO had stated on FB that she was going to see the Old 97's on a specific day. She never told me she was or if she did go to the concert, but I do know she was supposedly babysitting J's son that night, and I didn't hear anything from her past 9p.m.

Now, what did I do with this information? Honestly, I freaked out. I tried to calm myself down, but it just wasn't working. My imagination was running wild, and I felt like our entire relationship was a sham. Then I would think it was all just a crazy coincidence and I was jumping to conclusions. I text her, "Please call me ASAP", and she responds "In a movie". I say "Call after the movie", and she asks "what's wrong", and I state "Just call me after the movie". Well, she leaves the theater and calls, and this is where I don't remember the details so well, on account of my mind being filled with doubts and emotions.

I try and stay calm, and ask her if J had been in Vegas when she was last their, she says no. I ask if J had gone and seen Iron Man 3 with her, and she says no, but he had gone to the concert with her. She wants to know where this is coming from, and I tell her about FB. At first she claims that she isn't friends with any J at all through FB, and I tell her the comment was from a few years a go. I ask her what her friend J's last name is, and she wouldn't tell me at first. She does finally tell me, and I'm almost positive it wasn't hit, but something close. She accuses me of hacking her FB, but I reject that this was all public information, but do admit to a little light snooping. She tells me that her and J had been friends on FB before, but were no longer. At first she tries to tell me that the Vegas tag must have been from a previous trip they had been on. I say no, it was the last trip, same day, same hotel. She tells me she has no control on what people put on their FB or where they are, but to her knowledge he was not actually in Vegas at that time. I ask about the movie, and she says that she went alone, while J went shopping with the other female friend. Again, she tells me that she has no control what others put on FB. She even offers to go get J out of the movie, and let me talk to him. The conversation spirals into basically her being insulted that I would make these wild accusations and me wondering if I was totally wrong. Things weren't going anywhere, so I say I need some time to think, and she says "no" and hangs up on me. We text back and forth till late, and finally reach the place that we both care for each other, and understand where each others feelings are coming from, and we will talk more the next day.

Just to add some icing on the cake, when I wake up this morning, and wake the computer, I had never actually left J's page. It was now if full lockdown, I couldn't see anything except the thumbnail of his profile pic. I guess I assume she told him the story.

Am I crazy? Could this all just be a crazy weird coincidence? Is there something rotten in Denmark?

[dickL]

37yrs with uBPD wife , didn't listen to others about years of infidelities or more importantly my gut feeling . follow your gut feeling and don't rush to the altar.

[HoldingAHurricane]

After being together for a few years, I discovered my uBPDh cheated quite a bit at the beginning of our relationship and he used to lie to my face about it when I confronted him with my suspicions. More than that, he would deliberately undermine me to the point I began to doubt myself and wonder if I was the insecure, suspicious, possessive, and crazy person he kept telling me I was. In therapy, I relearned to 1. trust my intuition, 2. to pay more attention to how he behaves and less to what he says, and that 3. its more than reasonable to take the position that "people who demonstrate they are not trustworthy, don't get to be trusted" and last but not least, I'm not crazy! (I asked that question every week at a support group for a long time because he created an environment where I start to think I was).

In the years that have past, there have been times he has done things to arouse my suspicion about his conduct with women. I follow my 3 rules (as above). He rages about deserving trust and how I am flawed because I suspect him. Recently, I suggested he took his feelings to therapy and his therapist told if he wants to rebuild trust he should behave in a way that doesn't ask me to give him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to women because he broke that trust by what he did.

[mitchell16]

its very hard to deal with. Im in the same sitituion at times. I have never caught mine cheating but I have caught her not telling the truth about other men. Sg ehas lied to me about other sititions. This week she started acting in her previos ways, getting suspcious phone calls, not answering her phone for hours and changing her passwords. When I said something to her about all this, once again it was all my fault, I was always false accusing her, I was to suspcious. and she wills cream to teh top of her lungs how I had never caught her doing anything. Of course when I remind of her of teh past experiences she switchs and says in the same breath I never let go of the past. So I have found you cna really win. I fell sorry for you I have been there myself.

[winston72]

That is an awful experience and set of emotions to handle as a result.  My heart goes out to you Confused76.

In so much as you ask for a reaction, it does sound awfully sketchy to me.  In any event, the level of suspicion and alert that you experienced tells you a lot about the state of the relationship leading up to these events.  The trust between you seems to have been very weak... . and unfortunately, probably for good reason.  I am wondering what was really happening within you when you heard about these other instances of your gf doing things with other men in the past, men she had not introduced to you.  Were you repressing any concerns or fears then?

[WalrusGumboot]

The rottenness went way beyond Denmark and into all of Scandinavia!

I am not sure of your relationship status with your uBPDso, but I am assuming it is monogamous, or otherwise you wouldn't really have any right to protest any of this. If so, then you need to think long and hard about taking the r/s any further along. Maybe I am old-fashioned, but in my book, when you promise to be true to somebody, it is respectful to the other to ensure that they feel secure in that commitment. Your SO has done anything but do that... . she is living a life more appropriate to somebody who is uncommitted and playing the field. Turn the Gordan Lightfoot situation around. How would she react if you went to a concert with a female friend she did not know, and ended up spending the night with her and another female she didn't know, and to top it off, hang out at the mall all day with them the next day?

As dickL said, trust your gut.

[Confused76]

I am still having a tough time with all this.  I am usually not the jealous type, and typically feel very secure in relationships.  She has 3, at a minimum, non-traditional relationships with men.  I don't have much room to talk, cause I have several platonic relationships with women.  I remember back around the Gordon Lightfoot concert, I went home for a wedding, and attended it with a friend.  SO would make snide remarks that it was a date, and "she knows what happens at weddings".  I'd ask her if she wanted me to call it off, "No, I'm not your GF, and I have no right".  I would ask how this was different from the concert, and she would say it just was.  If I ever question anything that she has going on with these guys, it's always "I have very few friends, I'm not giving up on them".

Basically, I know I have to break it off, I'm miserable and don't trust her.  Yet, I can't just do it, cause I have this nagging part of my mind that is just wondering if it's all a horrible coincidence.  Even talking to her about the stuff is miserable, cause it's a dance she always leads.  Very skilled on deflecting, projecting, and changing the subject.  All the time playing the victim.

[WalrusGumboot]

Basically, I know I have to break it off, I'm miserable and don't trust her.  Yet, I can't just do it, cause I have this nagging part of my mind that is just wondering if it's all a horrible coincidence. 

If it was proved to be a horrible coincidence, would you no longer be miserable in this relationship?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Interesting topic, and one I have had plenty of experience with, (all bad by the way!).

When I met my uBP boyfriend in early 2010, I was more in contact with my male friends as opposed to my female friends, and BP had a 'couple of female friends', we were both single.

BP told me that one female friend (she lived in the same city as me) was an ex lover of over 6 months, (I later found out this was a lot less than 6 months). Early in his friendship with me, he was still spending nights at her house, (helping her out) and taking her out swimming for day trips and night trips. He also had other supposedly 'ex' female friends, (no romance was his explanation), which were ex friends because he did not like the way they behaved towards men. He also said he suspected most of them were massage girls, as they had ads on local 'hook up for sex' sites, (how did he know this and of course how did he meet them anyhow?), not to mention they had hundreds of guys on their radars.

He had verbally abused one of these women the last time he had seen her in person, ordering her out of his car in the middle of a busy city street, (yelling nasty abuse at her). He made the excuse that he had taken her out for coffee, and she sat in his car talking on her mobile to other men the whole way to the coffee shop, (as if this justified it or something?).

The fact that he told me all about how he had verbally abused her, was the first red flag for me, into his mental state.

He mentioned that he never had anything to do with either her or her 'hooker' friends ever again, but did not give dates as to the last time he had seen any of them, when he met me. I was also told that they were still prank calling him occasionally, but he had blocked their numbers, so they came up as 'No Number' on his phone as missed (or received?) calls.

I noticed that these calls continued throughout his first 2 years with me, and I also noticed that he went through several mobile phones, (smashing them) along with sim cards constantly changing.

The whole time he was with me, he never changed his Facebook profile to 'in a relationship', nor did he change his profile on Hotmail. There were constant emails from dating sites he had been on when he met me, (for the first 2 years) and his excuse was that he never used them, and forgot his passwords so he didn't know how to cancel/delete his memberships. Dodgy?

Every week for 3 years, without fail, he would disappear to a nearby city overnight, (sometimes 2 nights) and he always had an excuse. This city was where all his 'ex hooker' friends hung out, and where he was hanging out a lot when he met me as a friend.

I was never able to get hold of him by mobile, on any of the nights he chose to disappear overnight, there was a constant excuse, even though the excuse always contradicted what he had originally told me.

Here is an example; "I was sleeping in my car again". "I always have my mobile on 24/7 incase you call me, (then I would be accused of 'never calling him'. " I sleep with my phone close in the car". "I sleep lightly, waking several times as I have to be on guard and protect my safety at nights when asleep in my car".

Meantime, after our early start as friends for a month or so, I was subjected to denigrations every day because I had male friends in my life when we met. I was totally honest about any of my male friends, he met two of them, (one an ex brother in law and the other a mechanic who would repair my car for extra cash.

I had nothing to hide, and offered him the chance to meet all my friends, he refused, denigrating them to me constantly, and frequent nasty accusations and threats to me went with this.

I got ordered to give him the addresses of any male friends I knew, incase he couldn't find me on a night, and he wanted to 'check up on me'.

Foolishly I gave him the addresses, but I think some of the reason I was so easily manipulated with guilt, is that I was confused as to what normal behaviour in these types of situations should be.

I was after all, keen to meet his female friends, but none of them wanted to meet me, and he said that since he was in a relationship with me, it wasn't appropriate for him to keep in touch with them anymore, so he supposedly told them not to call anymore since he was with me. I said I didn't feel threatened if they were only friends, I would only feel threatened if he was attracted to any of them, or he had slept with them.

My logic was wasted, of course!

I later asked for specific details as to where any of his past female friends lived, (including the 'ex' hooker friends) as I had concerns that they were still calling him, (especially if they had so many other males to pick and choose from).

I was given no accurate details, vague and unspecific answers, and if I pressed him on it, he would become angry and nasty to me. 

I had given him my passwords to Facebook and my email, and he used this to spy on my friends and stalk them. Several of them lived local, and he followed some of them home, with the serious threats he was making, I had no choice but to lock him out of everything.

After I locked him out of Facebook etc, this was used against me, he never accepted that it was his own dangerous behaviour that was my reasoning behind this action.

Ironically, after all this, I had lost contact with a lot of my then friends, telling them that I was in a relationship, and that they should stop trying to contact me anymore. I did this because BP demanded I should not have male friends when in a relationship, and I felt like it was my fault he felt so insecure. So now BP is basically out of my life, and I have to start over to make new friends.

Any ideas from the males on the boards? What do you think about the rules for the the woman in your life and her having male friends?

Just curious after reading the posts on this topic here.

[tired-of-it-all]

Don't over complicate it.  She is cheating.  Some "Normal" people cheat.  BPD's damn sure do it.

[TigerEye]

For me it came to an end when I realised the trust in her had completely left me. There was history of emotional and physical cheating and she was unable to admit to it happening or accept that I was hurt, so no lessons learnt and the trust was just eroded away with continual denial, lies and deceit until there was nothing left. Tough thing to leave, but I think it's been the only way I've been able to see the bigger picture, so many things are falling into place and my T is putting my thoughts into perspective. I had to regain a little of my sanity before I decided that I didn't want to be in a relationship where there was that much doubt surrounding someone I was investing so much of myself too.

The one question that she could never answer was "how would you feel if I did that to you?", think that said a lot. If they do know right from wrong, the shame gets buried so deep in denial and therefore it's not happening as WE see it.

FWIW i also say trust your gut, and take some time to decide where you want to go with this, just don't expect to get to the full truth, or an apology.

[Jep]

I feel for you. I had a recently ended 9 year r/s with BPDw.  No amount of affection could ever fill the bottomless pit of need she had. She would constantly seek affirmation from other men that she was attractive and worthy of love. Social networking became a big part of her addiction. The lying was pathological, and if I was ever uncomfortable with a situation it was turned around on me. I was controlling, or crazy, or I couldn't control my anger.

    Of course, looking back, she was behaving wildly inappropriate. I was rational and in my right to be uncomfortable. The cheating was real and I believed what I wanted to hear. That she loved me. It was all incredibly hurtful. 

    Good luck, we are in this together.

Jp

[artman.1]

My Sister-in-law was running around cheating, and one of her boy friends suddenly wound up in the hospital, and died of AIDS.  She was tested and found positive for AIDS virus.  She has battled AIDS for the last 38 years now.  That ended her cheating days for good.  The big deal here, is the innocent person can get the bad thing and suffer forever.  Protect yourself.