have we just changed the problem

[griz]

Well DD has been doing better, going to school, completing her classes, having friends, a sort of new bf and talking about her future plans.  The one issue that I have spoken about before is that since DD came off the medication and lost all the weight I was getting concerned with her eating issues.  Her constant worrying about her weight.  As time has gone on it has only continued to get worse.  She will go for days without eating and then become so hungry that she binges and then gets extremely angry with herself.  She is aware of this issue getting worse and has expressed to both her T and me that she obsessively thinks about it even to the point of crying and telling me she does not want to live like this.  So our plan was to join a new gym and get a nutritionist.  Her T called me and told me that she would like me to use a nutritionist who deals with eating disorders.  I called last Thursday and due to the holiday they are away until Monday so I left a message. 

Yesterday DD planned a party for a few friends.  She made brownies and we were to order Pizza.  Her friends came over and I asked DD is she wanted me to make a big salad or something for her as I knew she would not eat the pizza.  She said no. So when the Pizza arrived everyone was eating and she was sitting drinking tea nonstop. (this is something she does so she doesn't eat).  After awhile I guess she was really hungry so she ate 2 slices of pizza and had a brownie for dessert.  As soon as her friends left at 11:30pm she started saying how fat and disgusting she felt and went downstairs and worked out on the treadmill for two hours.  On to today.  We were invited over for lunch to my SIL for a swim and some lunch.  We had a great time and DD ate a half of bagel with some tuna, some tomatoes and some watermelon. (Pretty healthy as far as I was concerned).  But right after we finished lunch I could see her mood change.  We stayed for a while and when we came home at 4:30 she was really hungry so she started picking at a little of this and a little of that and before I knew it she was crying again and insisting that she wanted to go to the gym.  I told her this was fine as I could drop her off and my dh could pick her up on his way home from work.  After about 1 1/2 hrs she called me hysterically crying that she just wants to come home and she doesn't want to live like this anymore.  I stayed on the phone with her for a little bit and then she walked over to my husbands place of business where she would have to wait about a half hour for him.  She called me again crying hysterically.  I tried to do the best I could by saying:

It must be very hard to feel this way.  You have worked very hard to take all that weight off and it must be very scary to be worried that you will gain it all back.  I think the nutritionist will be very helpful for us to talk to and it may take some time and work but it will get better.  I reminded her of how far she has come and all the success she has had and how very proud of her I was.  Sometimes I wish my words could just take her pain away.  I feel so lost and so helpless, wondering if things will ever truly get better or will we always just be changing the problem.  Just when I felt a little of my saddness lifting, I feel like I am back at the beginning.  Don't know if I can do this again.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Dear griz,

It sounds like major emotional dysregulation to me. 

What are the feelings behind the crying?  This is quite tricky to figure out; however, there must be major overwhelming feelings underlying the crying.  To me, the crying is an inability to figure out what she is really feeling because the feelings are so overwhelming and so she defaults to tears. 

She is doing well, for sure, griz. 

I think this is still a matter of education for your daughter.  She hasn't figured out how to nourish her body.  It is tricky for some people.  It has taken me years to learn how to eat properly.  My dh has never had to figure it out.  He just eats. 

If she isn't eating much for a while, she will be on a bit of a high from not eating.  Then, when she eats, she loses the high and her real feelings overwhelm her.

What is she feeling?  Validate, validate... .

Don't assume you understand what is happening.   Be curious.  Ask questions. 

Your PTSD is rearing its head again.  Breathe and take a step back.  Remember Hmmmmmm... .

Easy for me to say.  Just ideas... . you know.  Hopefully, they will spark your thinking and help you.

Reality

[pessim-optimist]

Griz,

Your dd has made some major strides (those lessons are not lost).

It is hard to keep that in perspective when dealing with a new intense issue... . I am again reminded of the "Rachel" book. As she went through therapy, new problems surfaced, and she had the same question as you do. She was actually doing better, but she did not feel like she was doing better. Sometimes she felt like she was worse off, when she temporarily regressed etc... .

Her therapist described it like the  were hiding under the stones that they were removing in the therapy process. And when they removed a stone, the  would scurry around and try to hide under a different stone, but gradually, there would be less of the  , because there were less and less stones to hide under. And when they lifted all the stones and the therapy process was finished, there would be no more stones for the  to hide, and no more  ... .

Does that sound like your dd's situation?   

[jellibeans]

oh Griz... . how hard it must be to see your dd suffer so. I have to agree with what was said so far... . I am not sure pwBPD can identify their emotions and your dd is struggling to find what is behind this behavior. I find my dd going from one thing to another and kind of cycles through these things. My dd tends to try on these disorders... . she is having very weird eating habits while we were on vacation. She finally told me she has a hard time eating in front of people. I have ignored her so far and try not to pay attention. Your dd seems to be struggling but does she seek attention? I wish I had some better advise for you... . you sound like you are being very supportive and validating.  

[griz]

jellibeans: I am not sure if this is attention seeking or not.  She never talks about her eating issue with anyone other than me.  We made an appointment with a nutritionist who deals with eating issues for next week and I guess I will have to wait to see how it goes.  I am hoping that she will also be able to identify what is behind this in therapy as she does talk about it with her T.  I am trying not to over react to this in any way so that it doesn't become a attention getting behavior.  I just try to be supportive and validate.  She is seeing T today so hopefully they will talk.

Griz

[jellibeans]

I hope today was better for your dd. My dd always feels better after seeing her T. That is something to be thankful for. Keep us posted.

[mamachelle]

Hi griz,

I'm sorry this is going on. It sounds a bit scary to me. My niece became anorexic last year and so I hope that is not going on with your DD.

I'm wondering about the whole "changed the problem" and eating and meds and wanted to post here and try to follow your story a bit.

My SS10 just added a low dose of Abilify to his low dose of Lamictal. Since that time he has gone from compulsive aggressive over eating to counting calories. It is a welcome welcome change and he is bonding with Dad over the calorie counting as his Dad (myH) is health conscious.

However, we find that we have to under estimate the calories a bit from his targeted calorie intake for the day because he has flown into a despondent state just by going over by a few calories. We also hold our breath because every time he gets on the scale it is just anybody's guess and if it's not good news then again he may spiral down.

I guess, if he were a teen girl with the same weight (164) and with his ever increasing BPD traits then this would be all the much scarier. He is a boy that is tall for his age and so he can pull off the weight at this point pretty well.

I don't have an answer for you-- I hope it's like pessi-o says about the stones.

  mamachelle

[griz]

mamchelle:  yes it is a bit scary but the good part is that she recognizes it and is not happy about it.  She is obsessed about being "fat" again even though she knows that it was the meds (lexapro and abilify) that did this.  She is talking about it with her T and we have an appointment next week with a nutrition counselor that deals with  people with weight issues. 

Today was a good day.  She actually ate pretty healthy and we went to the gym on the way home from work.  She talked on the way home about how she hates feeling this way, so I am hoping that she really wants to change.  It was interesting though, she told me that she feels as though she has been on the brink of an eating issue most of her life.  Always feeling like she needed to lose some weight and never being happy with her body.  And she also said that she looks in the mirror and never thinks she is pretty  even though people always tell her that she is.  My guess is that we have some real self esteem issues here and maybe like PO said, she has to turn over a lot of stones.

Griz