Old wounds reopened; she messaged me after 4 months of NC

[paperlung]

My story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

So I closed my Facebook account before we even split, but recently made a new one so I could use some apps on my phone. Well, I sign into it to see that she sent me a message today. This is what she wrote.

This may come as a bit of an unwanted, and I wouldn't even say surprise because I am sure you have moved on, but this message has nothing really to do with getting back into contact with you. I saw a picture of you in one of my old facebook photo albums and felt a bit compelled to write to you an overdue apology letter since i've grown quite a bit since what happened with us. I truly hope everything is going well with you and i'm sure it is especially since we parted ways. I had called quite some time ago and spoke with your mother and told her i was indeed diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not sure she spoke to you about it, but i have a feeling she did. I feel like you've grown confidence since we parted ways because i tore you down and exhausted you when all you ever did was try your best to support and protect me. Sometimes I still cry to this day about what I did to you and i'm not sure when i'll ever accept it. Maybe never. I cannot take back what I did to you but I can write a sincere apology from my heart. I do not expect a reply paperlung. and if you feel the need to block this account too then that is ok. I am no longer in the camming industry and have a normal job as a housekeeper full time and volunteering at a farm I am no longer in (the place we both lived). I remember blaming you for not intervening when things started to get out of control with my job... . which was irresponsible of me, but at the time, I couldn't take responsibility for my own horrible actions. Maybe i'm more sentimental about these type of things than some people but I was your first girlfriend, the first girl you really gave your heart to, and I ruined you. I really feel you must be in a good place now and I hope your doing well in your school program and jake (my dog) is happy and healthy as well as the rest of your family. judging from your picture you look healthy and happy. You never deserved the pain I caused you paperlung. and I hope maybe you've found a girl that treats you right and I don't have any doubts you'd make her happy right back. Thanks for being there for me in one of the roughest times in my life and forgiving me when you shouldn't have. Thank you for the wonderful memories and your love.

Warm regards, ex.


And I was about to go to sleep. Now I'm too awake. Damn it. I'm not going to over think this email; it is what it is. I hope she's doing fine and all, but I don't feel like conversing with her even though her message was very thoughtful. I just don't want to go down that road.

[really]

I can understand how this would reopen wounds.     I would have given anything to have received such an email - to have had some form of recognition that what I went through for my ex had some value to her.  But her narcissistic traits are too strong and I know I have been painted blacker than black and that this will never change because the smear campaign was so full on.

In my case just hearing my ex utter the words that yes she had cheated on me again would have helped with my healing.  It is soul destroying to know that even that will never come.

I think i would find some comfort in such an email.  But that's just me

[crystalclear]

Wow, this message was something - acknowledgment/appreciation of your support and love, and acceptance of her disorder.

What exactly kept you awake, and is running in your mind paperlung?

As i sense that it is not just the wounds but you have some questions reopened. Just my opinion, and i might be completely wrong.

[paperlung]

Oh, I do have questions. Many.

I'm glad she quit camming though and got herself a real job. I sure as hell couldn't get her to do anything when I was with her. Her anxiety was such a pain in the butt. Sounds like she's done some growing, so good for her.

[MarcinN7]

Damn it. I'm not going to over think this email; it is what it is. I hope she's doing fine and all, but I don't feel like conversing with her even though her message was very thoughtful. I just don't want to go down that road.

Good, so dont.  

Take this message and a dagger and put this on the _closed_ vault doors to this hurtful experience you have been through. This is a great ending and many people including me will never get even close to the amount of closure you received from this message.  

Besides engaging in a conversation can trigger her and you can just get burned again.

[Clearmind]

paperlung its not so much as an old wound - its a current wound that you have not yet healed from - NC is a little bit of out of sight out of mind.

How did you really feel when you received the email?

[babyducks]

Wow, what an email.   Incredible.   Like Really said I would kill for an email like that.   For me it would give me hope that something positive came out of all that negativity.

[mitchell16]

paperlung, that was a nice message. My story was the same and I received such messages from mine. They always led to us getting back togther and in the end some more of the same behavior from mine. also would mine would figure out way to twist back around to it all being my fault. So proceed with caution. The part where yours said this has nothing to do with getting back. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that Id be rich because in my case mine used that line everytime she made contact after a break up/push away cycle. Which always led us to getting back together. In My opinion yours is on a fishinge expedion.

[Lady31]

I agree 100% with Mitchell.  Mine did the same thing.  Saw the light, so thankful for all I did, was not trying to get back together - just wanted me to know how sorry he was, I deserved better, he is messed up, how wonderful I was, how much I helped him.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  THEN  - it went RIGHT back into the extreme crap and abuse and of course all was my fault, I was evil, blah blah blah some more.

Also, as a side note - I read a lot of your posts earlier on with her.  I doubt VERY seriously that she would have gone from that extreme state to this within a few months. NOPE!  Probably the picture she is trying to paint about how well she is doing now is complete crap.

Also the apologies have nothing to do with you either is MY experience.  She is feeling lonely, needy, and down on herself and she is trying to reconnect with you.  It most definitely is a fishing expedition.

Even if not a full blow recycle - she wants someone to sooth her and wants to connect with you in some way to USE you to do that, so prob whatever guys she had lined up or on her line are not currently available. (Most likely due to HER crazy antics.)

I would not even reply.  She is just trying to use you yet AGAIN.

[mcc503764]

I am kinda jealous that you would receive such a straightforward, seemingly sincere, honest email from your x!  My God, what I would do for that!

MCC

[mango_flower]

I'm finding all the replies fascinating!  The fact that so many of you say you'd kill for a message like that... .

I'd honestly find it devastating!  If it's true she has seen the light, so to speak, I'd be devastated that she's now going to be trying harder to fix things with any potential partner - I'd just be thinking "Why?  Why couldn't you have changed when we were together?"

Maybe that just shows that I'm not as far on in the process as I thought... .

[mcc503764]

I'm finding all the replies fascinating!  The fact that so many of you say you'd kill for a message like that... .

I'd honestly find it devastating!  If it's true she has seen the light, so to speak, I'd be devastated that she's now going to be trying harder to fix things with any potential partner - I'd just be thinking "Why?  Why couldn't you have changed when we were together?"

Maybe that just shows that I'm not as far on in the process as I thought... .

That would devsitate me as well, and of course I would wonder why couldnt I be that person?  But the reality of the situation is this... . maybe it took this life experience to put you in the position to be able to apply these skills with a person that you were meant to be with?

Just my opinion

MCC

[Octoberfest]

Paperlung, don't reply. What she has given you here is a gift; do not be greedy, do not go looking for more.

She may or may not be fishing for your attention, looking for a reply.  But it REALLY is not worth finding out.  Take her message, the emotions, the feelings for what they appear to be, and be content with them.

After I finally ended things with my BPDex (meaning made it clear we couldn't recycle or reconcile again), I talked to her a bit about 4 days after.  She said some things that I really needed to hear.  I deleted the messages, but they went something to the effect of,

"I am sorry I did not give you the respect you deserved.  You have a lot going for you.  I am proud to have had you in my life.  Now forget about me and the garbage I brought into your life."

I asked why I should forget her and she replied,

"Because I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being and as sad as that is we both know it is true.  So just forget it ok.  Go and be that amazing man that you are.  Can you do that for me?"

I should have quit talking to her then.  But I continued here and there for the next 2 weeks or so.  And it never got better, only worse.  I found out things about her and the new guy, stuff that really irked me, stuff that dragged me down.  Whenever I feel down though I think back to those messages I posted above and take solace that she had a rare moment of clarity, a truthful moment, and that THAT is what I should rely on.

So reread her message.  Absorb it.  Believe it.  Move forward with peace in your heart and hope for the future.

[HardTruth]

I'd have to agree with Mitchell and others.  I think it's part of the engulfment/abandonment cycle.  Now that she's experiencing "abandonment", she is actually able to come up with apologies and some "insight".  A lot of what she said is validating - that's wonderful.  My experience, though, with my BPDex and others who were not emotionally connected or stable, is that THEY KINDA KNOW WHAT TO SAY!  

My BPDex did make an apology to me after he gave me the silent treatment, etc.  Begged me to forgive him and be his friend.  Initiated getting together, promised me that he'd keep his Xmas present promise to me, etc.  And even within a couple days of his great "insight" and apology, he blew me off again.

THIS IS A REALLY DEEP ILLNESS.  Part of the illness is to negotiate around and try to get what it is that you're longing for - connection, your bf back, etc.  At whatever cost.  It's IMPULSE.  It does NOT have stability.  It can't have stability because they don't have stability.  It is difficult for them to have empathy and stay there.

If you were to re-engage, I would bet that as soon as she felt the pressure of engulfment, all of her bad behavior would come back out.  Along with all the lies, story-telling, projection, gaslighting... . and on and on.  

My advice.  Move on the best you can.  Heal the wounds that are there right now.  And look for a better future, and partner/gf/etc that can take care of YOU, be nice, and keep her word, rather than take you on a roller coaster ride.

[bewildered2]

My story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

This may come as a bit of an unwanted, and I wouldn't even say surprise because I am sure you have moved on,

but this message has nothing really to do with getting back into contact with you.

I saw a picture of you in one of my old facebook photo albums and felt a bit compelled to write to you an overdue apology letter since i've grown quite a bit since what happened with us.

I truly hope everything is going well with you and i'm sure it is especially since we parted ways. I had called quite some time ago and spoke with your mother and told her i was indeed diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not sure she spoke to you about it, but i have a feeling she did.

I do not expect a reply paperlung. and if you feel the need to block this account too then that is ok.

I hope maybe you've found a girl that treats you right and I don't have any doubts you'd make her happy right back.


I just don't want to go down that road.

She wants to know if you have moved on.

She wants to reestablish contact.

She wishes that you had felt compelled to write to her instead of the other way around.

She wants a reply from you and hopes you wont block her.

She hopes your mother didnt tell you that she has BPD and she regrets telling her that she does.

She hopes you have not found a new gf, so she can step back into the role.

She hopes that you believe that she has "grown" and she hopes that you have not "grown" since you split up.


Good thing that you dont want to go down that road again... .

b2

[bpdspell]

It's a great message and all of that but don't respond.

I personally thinks she's still fishing to see if your on her hook. My BPDex gave me the apology I'd had been longing to hear too but at his core he's still the same damaged, toxic disordered person. An apology cannot replace their behavior. Behavior that they are never accountable for and never make amends for due to their disorder.

Take this note from her as your closure and keep it moving. I highly doubt that this "insight" has changed her. They are masters at saying what we want to hear but they lack the substance to match the words with actions.

If she really means what she says... . wait it out. The real her (the person you experienced) will show up in due time.

Spell

[mcc503764]

My story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

This may come as a bit of an unwanted, and I wouldn't even say surprise because I am sure you have moved on,

but this message has nothing really to do with getting back into contact with you.

I saw a picture of you in one of my old facebook photo albums and felt a bit compelled to write to you an overdue apology letter since i've grown quite a bit since what happened with us.

I truly hope everything is going well with you and i'm sure it is especially since we parted ways. I had called quite some time ago and spoke with your mother and told her i was indeed diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not sure she spoke to you about it, but i have a feeling she did.

I do not expect a reply paperlung. and if you feel the need to block this account too then that is ok.

I hope maybe you've found a girl that treats you right and I don't have any doubts you'd make her happy right back.


I just don't want to go down that road.

She wants to know if you have moved on.

She wants to reestablish contact.

She wishes that you had felt compelled to write to her instead of the other way around.

She wants a reply from you and hopes you wont block her.

She hopes your mother didnt tell you that she has BPD and she regrets telling her that she does.

She hopes you have not found a new gf, so she can step back into the role.

She hopes that you believe that she has "grown" and she hopes that you have not "grown" since you split up.


Good thing that you dont want to go down that road again... .

b2

strange how we need to desipher their messages, thus the constant contradiction of the illness... . this is the tue REALITY of the r/s!

We struggle with it so much because it makes NO sense to us whatsoever!  But that's how we need to interpret the things that they say... . flip everything around to the contrapositive of their message, and you will get the real meaning!

MCC

[paperlung]

I'm finding all the replies fascinating!  The fact that so many of you say you'd kill for a message like that... .

I'd honestly find it devastating!  If it's true she has seen the light, so to speak, I'd be devastated that she's now going to be trying harder to fix things with any potential partner - I'd just be thinking "Why?  Why couldn't you have changed when we were together?"

Maybe that just shows that I'm not as far on in the process as I thought... .

I was a little devastated to hear she was moving to the States a few months ago because when we were together I couldn't get her to travel anywhere far with me because of her anxiety.

It's all so bizarre. Back in March she met this guy off the porn site she worked for. She quickly probably fell in love and decided to go live in Utah with him in May. She actually goes, and now she's living back here but quite far away from where she used to live. I am curious. Is she actually living alone away from everybody? Did that guy from Utah decide to go with her? Did she meet somebody new again? Or maybe even that older man from England came back to stay with her. I don't know why I even care about her current relationship status, it's not like I'm hoping she's single, .

It's a great message and all of that but don't respond.

I personally thinks she's still fishing to see if your on her hook. My BPDex gave me the apology I'd had been longing to hear too but at his core he's still the same damaged, toxic disordered person. An apology cannot replace their behavior. Behavior that they are never accountable for and never make amends for due to their disorder.

Take this note from her as your closure and keep it moving. I highly doubt that this "insight" has changed her. They are masters at saying what we want to hear but they lack the substance to match the words with actions.

If she really means what she says... . wait it out. The real her (the person you experienced) will show up in due time.

Spell

Maybe. But she's not even living near me anymore, so why bother "fishing"?

I kind of wish I could just say something simple like, "Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope you're doing well, too." and leave it at that.

[Clearmind]

There is a hook in there somewhere PL! You may need to find it. Answer that and you may be able to see more clarity and be able to answer this... .

I kind of wish I could just say something simple like, "Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope you're doing well, too." and leave it at that.

What's the hook with this person? Why does she push the 'I'm not good enough' button?

[paperlung]

There is a hook in there somewhere PL! You may need to find it. Answer that and you may be able to see more clarity and be able to answer this... .

I kind of wish I could just say something simple like, "Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope you're doing well, too." and leave it at that.

What's the hook with this person? Why does she push the 'I'm not good enough' button?

Despite how poorly she treated me as a boyfriend and as a human being, I can't stop feeling sorry for her. She's a really sad case.

[danley]

I believe that it possibly is a hook to get you. I mean she could possibly feel remorse but everyone's experience has shown they revert back to the bad behavior.  I think she needs you to tell her all the opposite of what she claims or at least soothe her by validating. She needs to hear you say she's a great gal and the whole Bit. She probably feels crappy and wants you to tell her IT'S OK. It's wonderful to hear her apologize tho. Only you can decide what to make of it.

I think it's normal for us to want an apology after being treated badly. If you were looking for closure this is it. Take it and don't look back if that's what you want. The ball is totally in your court.

[jollygreen]

I'm with mango_flower on this. I had the same feeling of why couldn't she have been like that before. It made me notice any contact can bring pain, good or bad. Very interesting that she messages you after making a Facebook account. Why not any other mode of contact? I like you deleted Facebook before we split. I was thinking about making one again but need more thought now seeing your post

[paperlung]

I believe that it possibly is a hook to get you. I mean she could possibly feel remorse but everyone's experience has shown they revert back to the bad behavior.  I think she needs you to tell her all the opposite of what she claims or at least soothe her by validating. She needs to hear you say she's a great gal and the whole Bit. She probably feels crappy and wants you to tell her IT'S OK. It's wonderful to hear her apologize tho. Only you can decide what to make of it.

I think it's normal for us to want an apology after being treated badly. If you were looking for closure this is it. Take it and don't look back if that's what you want. The ball is totally in your court.

Well, she's reeled me back in a few times before... .  But at least this time she isn't saying, "I miss you. I made a mistake. Please help me."

I'm with mango_flower on this. I had the same feeling of why couldn't she have been like that before. It made me notice any contact can bring pain, good or bad. Very interesting that she messages you after making a Facebook account. Why not any other mode of contact? I like you deleted Facebook before we split. I was thinking about making one again but need more thought now seeing your post

4 months ago when I initiated NC, I changed my phone number and email address so she couldn't get a hold of me at all. Obviously to have found me on FB, she would've had to search for me. Honestly, I thought she wasn't going to be able to do that. I was sure I had set my privacy settings so that no one could find me. Blah.

[Suzn]

paperlung I hope you don't mind me sharing a little of my story.

The last time I broke up with my ex I hadn't seen her in 6 months. During that time she was with someone new. This someone new was a doctor. I received a message thru fb from this doctor asking why I had been sending texts and calling my ex. My ex was blocked from my fb, my phone number and email. I explained to this person she didn't have my number and I didn't want her to have my number so she had been lied to. The doc believed me. I did, however, ask to see my ex's youngest son, we were close.

Ends up I get to see him, we plan a day, I show up and I see the ex. I expected her to look the same and didn't think I'd feel anything, I was there to pick up her son. Well, she looked like a different person. She had been taking care of herself. Working out, eating right, no signs of drinking, going to church, taking new meds and seeing her T regularly. I felt robbed, completely robbed. Why couldn't she have been this with me? I was angry, hurt and confused. My head was spinning for a week. She was doing really well.

We start texting/talking. Turns into talking often. Turned into her complaining about her doctor gf. Turned in her leaving her gf. We spend just one night together. Turned into demanding things of me to see her son. Then she started drinking again. Mind you we're not "seeing" each other during this time, there was only one night. I gave her my number since she was allowing me to spend time with her son. Then it turns into her not allowing me to see her son. Her telling this child I don't want to see him (he tells me this on one of the allowed visits). I spent one more afternoon with this child letting him know we probably wouldn't be seeing each other for a very, very long time. (If ever, I knew)

Long story short. She was better off with someone else with better communication skills than I had. I was a trigger for her, she was a trigger for me. All this took place in a matter of 6 weeks.

I can't say this will be your experience paperlung, however, if you want to know if she is serious about her recovery give it time, LOTS of time. My expectations were really off, no one changes drastically emotionally in 6 months.

[SurvivedLove]

But that's how we need to interpret the things that they say... . flip everything around to the contrapositive of their message, and you will get the real meaning!

MCC

MCC, this part of your post really struck a cord in me.

I remember back a bit over a year ago, when I was trying to get my ex to leave me alone. I ended up writing a really stern mail to him, letting him know the consequences of NOT leaving me alone. He, of course, didn't respect my final words: ":)o NOT reply, I don't want to hear it, I just want my DVD's and the book I left at your place".

His reply made me facedesk (yes, literally and it gave me a headache for an hour). Just for fun, I've sat with it and done what your words here say.

This is how his email comes out when I apply your suggestion towards it... .

(His version: I'll keep this short since you don’t actually want replies. “And no one forced you to respond to my mail, after I asked you to just let it go and leave me alone... . ”)

I'm now gonna write you a long email, carefully responding to everything you said in your mail and blatantly disregarding your request for me to just let you go and get over it. You forced me to respond by asking me to leave you alone, because I don't wanna, so I'm not gonna!

(His version: I am going to be honoring your request. I wasn’t aware the things I did after our break-up (consciously and ... . apparently subconsciously? Or just accidentally) were hurting you so, nor was any of that ever my intention. I definitely wont talk to Kessandria again after her revelation about her years-lasting grudge. I’ll also take extra care to no longer mention you in-guild about raid-related stuff, during a moment of frustration or not, or accidentally sit on you.)

I'm gonna blow bubbles and rainbows at your request. Cause everything I have done, from sitting on you to dancing on you to emoting at you, I knew it would get you to notice me, to pay attention to me. It probably hurt you also, but hey, who cares, right? And yeah, I'll do what I can to get your friends to like me, so they might talk you into talking to me again. In fact, I'll make sure to let all of our guildies know how sad I am that you're ignoring me, maybe some group guilttripping with get you to stop ignoring me.

(His version: Despite the anger in your mail, I’m glad you sent it. Now I know what to watch out for. Again, I’m not some sort of... . vicious petty ass that *wants* to make things harder for you. (Dear god, why would I?))

I am hurt that you so sternly rejected my attentions after I dumped you so brutally. I'll make sure to step up my game and do even more to make you notice me, because if you notice me, it means you love me and then I can't be as big an arse as I myself think I really am deep down inside. Because I need to see you hurt and depressed so I can feel good about myself and what YOU need in that regard doesn't mean a thing to me. (Why WOULDN'T I hurt you, you deserve it for not wanting to talk to me anymore!)

(His version: You can trash the stuff I left at your place. Infact, you told me you were already going to do that, so I had assumed you already had.)

Here's a short pity party over you telling me that you had my stuff in a plastic bag, ready to take to the postal office or the trash, in case I didn't want you to mail it.

(His version: I’m not aware which items of yours are still at my place. You want the things you gifted to me, like the alarmclock, back?)

I have purposefully ignored which items you asked me to return to you and now I am gonna play dumb and play hurt that you want me to give you back the gifts you have given me."

VERY different read than the words he actually wrote. And honestly, I believe YOUR suggestion's version is the right one, his never rang true deep in me... .

Seeing it in writing like this, gurh, that is actually pretty creepy >.<.

I suggest everyone who's received messages, emails and such from their BPDex try the "MCC rewrite" on it. MAJOR lightbulb, MAJOR radical acceptance and MAJOR sigh of relief over finally understanding why their words sounded so hollow in the first place. THANK YOU, MCC!

[mcc503764]

Thanks!  Happy it helps... . puts everything into a different perspective!

[cska]

Hey paperlung!

I think there are 3 reasons why she might have sent you the e-mail:

1. She suffered some sort of abandonment (maybe her current bf left her, or something along there lines) and she wants to lure you in to use you all over again to alleviate her inner pain

2. She has a brief moment of clarity (which will not last due to her condition)

3. She really has gotten better and sincerely wants to apologize.

The last one is really really really improbable. BPD is a very deep disorder. It takes years of therapy to see any improvements. Especially after reading your stories, your ex is a very damaged person.

So most likely, she either wants to use you all over again, and is trying to manipulate you into re-engaging with her, or she has a moment of clarity which will certainty not last.

In my case, on multiple occasions after emotionally separating from me, my gf would have moments of clarity where she would apologize for hurting me. And that would make me hopeful, but after re-engaging, she would inevitably turn to her old abusive and controlling ways.

Also, oftentimes I tried to leave her, she would break down and say that she is unlovable and worthless, and I would always want to comfort her and tell her that she is not worthless etc. But no matter how badly she felt about herself, she would never be able to change her behavior. (Obviously, b/c to change this behavior requires years of therapy.) In my experience pwBPD simply cannot control their actions. My ex would tell me that her mind would tell her that what she is doing is wrong, but then anxiety would settle in and completely silence that voice of reason.

Don't fall for it! Don't let her reel you in. Don't establish contact with her, you're fighting to get your life back, don't throw it all away. You have a good heart, you deserve someone who will respect you!

[Suzn]

We can play the "it means this... . " game all day. Realizing an attempt at contact has very little to do with us is key. For whatever reason, and we have no way to guess what a person is thinking, this person is alleviating an emotion through their actions. She may genuinely feel as she says, therefore it would be guilt. We have no way of knowing.

What we do have the capacity to know is how we are feeling and what WE think. Asking yourself some questions might help, such as... . where am I in my recovery? Have I identified my role in my past r/s? What are my triggers? Can I commmunicate with the skills necessary to engage in a healthy r/s? What does a healthy r/s look like? Have I given my own recovery due diligence?

[paperlung]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I still haven't responded to her. That's not to say I don't want to, though. To be honest, I would like to simply thank her and wish her well, but I'm afraid it'll lead to more conversation. I suppose I could just block her afterwards, .