Hello,
I've been reading these forums every night lately and have a much better understanding of what BPD truly is, for that I am thankful.
I recently joined these forums and gave a basic background of who I am and the situation I find myself in with my uBPD gf (
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204881.0)
At this time, I am torn between feeling intense guilt after basically giving my uBPD an ultimatum of "the only way I can consider staying in this relationship is if you get into counseling/therapy immediately, otherwise I WILL move on". I have been in therapy myself for years and have been discussing things with my therapist for quite some time now. I struggle with feeling guilty about knowing my loved one is probably sitting at her home alone, full of anxiety, despair, and feeling like "another person i let in has turned on me and hurt me" or something to that effect. I struggle with not really knowing if it's actually guilt that I feel... . rationally I can separate what guilt is and I can honestly say that i've been more than patient and have given her every chance to try and make positive changes in her life... . is it pity instead? Both are helpless feelings, both hurt a whole lot. Does defining a difference, make a difference? I'm too deep in it to see clearly, just like you can't see the forrest through the trees.
When I had the discussion with her about a day ago, I explained as calmly as possible that while I had hope that things may get better, essentially actions speak louder than words, and that up to this point, her words were just that and nothing more. If this relationship was going to have a chance, she needed to own the mistakes she's made (as I have... . i'm not perfect), be courageous and take the steps to better her own life (therapy), and that finally I was going to cease contact for a few days so that I could get my head straight. This was one of my first attempts at setting a clear boundary. I certainly have many characteristics of a "co-dependent" partner and have always been there to fix everything that went wrong... . which I now recognize as a major mistake for both our sakes'. I'm hoping that this time apart will be enough of a motivating factor to spark a change within her, a catalyst to finally stand up and fight for something she professes to care about more than anything else in this world (me... . :'(). Sadly, i'm preparing myself for disappointment, plan for the worst and hope for the best kind of deal.
It's been over 24 hours (i've stood my ground and have not responded yet) and the text messages have changed from "you hurt me... . ", "you did... . ", "you left me... . you said you wouldnt... . " to a drastically more introspective admission of wrongdoing, admission of flaws, extreme willingness to change, acceptance that it may be too late (if ive had enough), confirmation of therapy appointment within a day or so (stunned... . rather impressed if true)... . etc.
I'm holding my breath, actions speak louder than words, but maybe... . just maybe... . once in a while someone might do something completely unexpected and make a radical change in their life for the better. That's certainly the dreamer in me talking, i'm prepared for it not to happen but I couldn't live with myself if I didnt give her a chance at redemption... . we've never broken up or anything like it until this point.
Assuming the clouds part, the sun shines down brighter than ever, and a breakthrough occurs, I want to be grounded enough to understand why I am still pursuing this relationship after all the turmoil and stress i've been through. I want to know I'm not confusing "love" with what I think love is in this situation. I want to know I'm sticking around for the right reasons, not because I'm codependent but because there is truly something there worth fighting for. A saying that i've always tried to live by, before any relationships i've had, was that "if it isn't worth fighting for, it was never worth having in the first place".
I would truly appreciate guidance on the positive reasons for staying around in a BPD relationship. I remember reading a quote Skip had posted essentially saying that "it is a deeply personal decision" for someone to stay in this kind of relationship knowing what can/will inevitably happen... . testimonials from people on both sides of the fence would be greatly appreciated... . I am so consumed with this right now.
