Sigh of relief... some validation... 38 years later... I am not crazy...

[Lynndi]

Where to start?  In January, I was hospitalized with high blood pressure while pregnant with our son, Jacob... . I was only 32 weeks along.  After having a miscarriage, I was extremely scared about losing the baby.  After being admitted and placed in Labor and Delivery, my husband gave my mom the benefit of the doubt and told her to comfort me, while he took care of getting Joe, 6, Matt, 5, and Brooke, 3 situated with a babysitter.  She sat in the chair next to me going on and on about my brother and how he is an alcoholic now and I needed to help his wife and kids.  She was telling me how horrible I was to spend sweepstakes winnings on a family that suffered from medical bills rather than spend it on my brother's family. Did I mention that I was being administered blood pressure drugs via IV?  I was in the hospital for over a month "cooking" our blessing a little longer. While there, my mother never called to check up on me, corresponded with me through fb (but never directly) and asked friends to pray for her cat that had a UTI.  She didn't help my husband either or help with the kids.  She showed up the day that I delivered Jacob bragging about the preemie clothes she bought and when we went to the NICU to see the baby and I broke down in tears, she did nothing to comfort me.

I am 38 years old and have struggled immensely with my relationship with my mom.  I started reading, "Surviving a Borderline Parent"... . by the time I was on page 14, I was in tears... . I am not crazy, I am not worthless and I have some hope that I am on a road to healing.  I was in counseling 10 years ago and heard nothing of this... . was even in counseling for the last 5 months and finally changed counselors and she suggested the book.  I was shocked to read in black and white that I am not the only one out there.  I have constantly struggled with my role when it came to our relationship... . I always envied all the girls in school who had loving supportive moms that were involved.

As a little girl, I remember my mom telling me what a horrible baby I was, everything was always my fault. My mom had more cabbage patch dolls than I did and if I had one she liked, she attempt to guilt me into giving it to her. She literally watched 3 soap operas a day, Days of our Lives, Another world and Santa Barbara- if she couldn't watch them, she recorded them.  Never played with me, wouldn't let me go to birthday parties because she didn't want to buy my friends birthday gifts. She got into a car accident and she told me it was my fault she got hurt. Her miserable marriage was somehow my fault because I was such a horrible daughter.  My birthday is in April and I always spent my birthday money on her for Mother's day, hoping she would appreciate me or love me. I even got myself into credit card trouble, buying her expensive gifts. When I tried out for sports, "Why would you try out, you aren't going to make it."  I begged her to come to a competition I was in (2 miles from our home) and she told me she was mad at me and wouldn't come. When boyfriends and I broke up, she would say, I didn't think he was all that into you, he didn't act like he liked you.  She would bad mouth me to my girlfriends on the phone, or if I was involved in arguments it was my fault, I was wrong and stupid.  I was a bhit, a brat, ungrateful, mouthy, vain, spoiled, difficult, rotten and selfish.  At the age of 6 or 7, she would take my brother shopping and leave me alone in the house screaming, crying and pounding the windows to take me with her. When I went away to college, she never called me or visited me. She didn't even know my major. She told me I left her and made me feel guilty. She came to my son's 3rd birthday and was talking negatively about me on my front porch OF MY HOUSE WHILE EATING MY FOOD. When I asked her what she was doing she told me I was crazy, nosey and eavesdropping. Recently, she literally told me that my brother was a better son stealing from her and using heroin than I was a daughter.  My brother is a hero even though he never does anything for her, he doesn't even send her cards for Mother's Day, but that is because "he is busy". I could go on and on and on... .  but it all makes sense now that I am introduced to BPD, this forum and books. I am relieved, frustrated, a bit angry, FINALLY VALIDATED, saddened, and on the road to healing with my counselor so I can be the best mommy/wife possible. I am so grateful to be here and meet others with similar situations, not feel so isolated.

[babyducks]

  DawnC,

I am glad you found us.  You sound like you have been through a lot of confusion and turmoil to reach this spot. 

This is really great web site, it has helped me enormously, well beyond what I expected, to learn and grow.  I always say we care and we listen here, but that is because we really do.

Having a relationship with a person who suffers from the traits of BPD is difficult, so much of it is not what we think, the blame and the shame it generates is awe inspiring for its lack of rational content.

Have you seen?

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board

I think that would be a good place for you to start reading and posting.

take care and be well

babyducks

[Calsun]

Hi DawnCLynn,

Welcome, and thank you for sharing!  I'm relatively new to this website, as well.  I can relate to so much of what you wrote.  My mother has all of the behaviors of an uBPD.  I could feel the pain and futility of trying to counteract her negative opinions of me, and I could feel the sense of frustration and injustice of hearing how wonderful my brother was in comparison to me.  Now, I understand that borderline mothers do their splitting, projecting onto one child all these heroic qualities and onto another all of this negative stuff.  To understand that my mother was projecting onto me her issues and didn't see me at all.  It's painful, but it is also liberating to understand that it really was never about me.  When my mother would scream in my face:  "How can anyone love you."  What she was really saying is that she was incapable of feeling anyone could love her, and that she was incapable of love.  That understanding of things doesn't remove all the pain of being unloved and mistreated by my mother, but it does liberate me from the bondage of feeling inherently unlovable and of little value, which is what growing up with a BPD mother leads one to feel.

I could also relate to your story about buying your mother gifts.  One mother's day, when I was a child, I went into my piggy bank, and I bought my mother a particular gift that I thought was really nice.  When she opened it, she said:  "what the f%$k am I going to do with this?"  And I felt so bad that I didn't get her something different or spent more time looking.  That's what children do, they don't have the boundaries to know that what is being projected onto them is about the dysfunctional and ill parent and has nothing to do with them.

We can reclaim in the healing process a sense of how precious we were as children and still are, how deserving we were of having a loving mother.  I am coming to understand the reality that my mother was just incapable of being a functional, safe and loving mother.  And I am learning how to feel safe, to love myself and to build loving relationships, today.

Thanks again for sharing. You are not alone!

Best, 

Calsun

[skinny13]

Hi Lynndi,

Welcome to the site. I'm really glad you found it and I think you'll find it helpful as so many of us have.

You have been through so much and I'm sorry for all you have endured. It is so hard to understand when we are children (and even well into adulthood) why our BPD parents act the way they do.

I can relate to much of what you have shared, and I know many others on this site can as well. Like Calsun, I can relate in particular to the gift-giving. I always stressed about what I was going to give my mother and no matter what it was, she didn't hesitate to let me know she didn't like it. Yet whenever she bought us something, we were expected to be profusely thankful even if it was something she wanted and we had not ever expressed an interest in.

I can also relate to the black sheep/golden child dynamic with you and your brother. When it comes to holidays or getting together, my mother might give me h*ll for not being able to come, but if my brother can't come, it's because he's busy and important.

When I first came to the site a couple of years ago after a particularly bad interaction with my mother, it was like getting reassurance that I was sane, something that my family in its enmeshment could not give me. I hope you feel this relief as well.

Thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope you find a lot of valuable info on the site.

[km1004]

Hi Lynndi

Welcome to the site from another newbie who also experienced the "thank goodness I'm not crazy" moment on discovering BPD and finally making some sense of my sister's treatment of me for all these years.

Your story brought tears to my eyes, it must be beyond devastating to not have your mother's support when going through such a gruelling time. I'm glad that your little boy is healthy and send good wishes that he continues to thrive.

I'm rapidly coming to terms with the fact that I can't expect my sister's support on any matter - she will give it only if it serves her. Oddly I'm finding that this realisation is slightly liberating, perhaps the first sign of acceptance and healing.

Take care Lynndi and I hope you find this site as useful as I have so far.

K x