High level BPD and therapy question

[Reg]

Hi,

Another question pops into my head.

If someone with high level BPD goes in therapy, but stays in contact with BPD's that do not

follow any therapy and are in denial, is there any use for having therapy in

such a case ? Personally I tend to think not, but I'm not a therapist, it's

just what my sixth sense tells me.

My ex told me that I wanted to put her as prisoner into a bowl, although that

was exactly what she was trying to do with me, and cut me of from a lot of my

friends, who were not good enough (because a few very close ones had problems

with her behavior towards me, although they never rejected her out of respect

for our friendship).

Actually now I'm wondering if a high level BPD patient should indeed be put into a bowl

during the therapy not to be influenced by people with an own agenda such as

other BPD patients not in therapy or refusing therapy, to stop the influence of

these.

Has anyone experience on this matter ?

Sincere thanks

[musicfan42]

No-if she was serious about her recovery, then she wouldn't be hanging around with other borderlines... . she'd be hanging around with people who were a good influence on her. Remember that saying "birds of a feather flock together"-she feels comfortable with other borderlines. She might feel ambivalent about recovery-on one hand, she's going to therapy but on the other hand, she doesn't really want to let go of the borderline behaviour as without that, who would she be? To her, her borderline behaviour defines who she is, is all she ever has been.

When your ex said that you wanted to put her as a prisoner into a bowl, she meant that you were telling her what to do-to cut contact with the borderlines. Borderlines are very oppositional to authority so if you tell her not to do something, then she'll just do it anyways to spite you. The phrase "you can lead a horse to the well but can't make it drink" definitely applies here-you can't make her do something she doesn't want to do! There's two really good slogans that I want you to take on board here: "put the focus on yourself" i.e. put yourself first, not her. All you mention here is your ex. The other slogan is "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it". You didn't cause her BPD (well obviously), you can't control her BPD behaviours and you can't cure it as there's no cure for BPD, just good treatment. Basically, it's not your fault so don't feel guilty/bad about it!

I would suggest that you spend time with those close friends that you mention and when you're dating someone new, ask them to vet her for you as they sound honest-they will tell you the truth and whether she's good/bad for her so that might save you some heartache in the future! They sound like good friends!

[Reg]

musicfan42

Thank you very much for this most interesting reaction, the part of authority is rather new to me but very logical after all.  As you mention, yes I do have some very good friends, and the troubles from my past relationship have shown me very good which ones were real and which ones were not ! By which I mean that some of them were not honest at all.

Actually I'm a non-fiction writer part-time on 20th centure early history.  First as a way of therapy for myself I've been writing down what happened in my own relationship and in which way the events that happened relate to high level invisible borderline with which I was confronted.

This has largely helped me to understand what had happened, and to give it a place for myself, without having to feel any guilt at all anymore, yes I've made mistakes in the relation, as we all do, but it was a relation between someone with feelings and someone who has seen me in a way as an object.  I've seen this confirmed again in the part here on lessons.

Knowing that I write, some persons close to me have asked me why not to write a book on the matter (in my own language there's not a lot to be found on the matter, and I've seen so far one biographic story from someone in a relation with a borderline). So there is a chance that I will get it published under an alias, with other names and without any real names of locations.

And first of all it was an excellent therapy for myself to heal the wounds to scars, I have not written it for the reason that it will ever convince my ex partner to seek help or so, I'm not making myself any illusions on that matter, but to help understand others how someone with BPD thinks, and why it's as a matter of fact useless to give it any further chances without the person getting help, and even than... .  

Except perhaps when you have a family member with BPD, but that is not the subject for me... .

So I want to present things as correct as possible on the matter.

The more I get to understand the behavior of someone with BPD, the more it has convinced me that she is out of my life, I did cut all communication lines, and I want it to remain that way :-)

Again, my sincere thanks, it's much appreciated !