I think my adult stepson has BPD

[Stepmom99]

Hello Everyone. I'm new to this forum.

I have been reading about BPD and wondering if this is what my 30 yr old stepson is suffering with. I would appreciate any insight/feedback you all could give me.

Here are some incidents that I observed with my stepson that l think show BPD:

He was 8 years when we first met. He asked me to play hide and go seek with him and his sister out in the yard. We played for about 20 minutes. We were all running and laughing and seemingly having a good time. When it was my turn to be the seeker, he went in the house and got his father's baseball bat out of the bedroom closet. He hid behind the front door with the bat. When I came inside to look for him, he jumped out in front of me, drew up on the bat and looked at me with rage as he slammed the bat into my head. When his father ran into the room and asked him why he did that, he said, "She scared me". No other explanation, no apology, no remorse.

When he was 11, my husband, step daughter, stepson and myself all went to an ice rink where my husband was playing hockey. The kids went to the game room and I watched the hockey game. After the game, as we were getting in the car, we noticed that my stepson had wet pants. My step daughter explained to us that he was playing a video game, had to urinate, didn't want to stop playing the game so he went in his pants.

Around 14 he got mad about something and punched a giant hole in his bedroom wall.

When he was 17, his mother grounded him as a punishment and his reaction to that was to threaten her with murder, threaten suicide and then took off on foot. She called the police and they picked him up and committed him to a mental health hospital for 48 hours. They put him on anti psychotics and he went to therapy for several months after that.

When he was 18 he walked into my house when I was home alone in the kitchen. When he walked in I said to him, "Oh, hi, I didn't know you were coming over". His response was to put a pellet gun in my face, pointed into my eye. He started laughing as he was doing this. I told him it wasn't funny and to get that gun out of my face. He continued laughing. I had to leave my own home to get away from him. He never offered any explanation for his behavior.

Two months later, I was home alone with him. He came out into the living room where I was watching TV. He had a towel wrapped around his waist. I looked up at him and asked if he needed something. He didn't respond and removed his towel. He was erect. He then started laughing. I told him to cover himself and that it wasn't funny. He started walking toward me. I ran to my room and locked the door. He went to the door and tried the knob. I waited a little longer and he finally left. Once again, no apology, no explanation as to why.

Two months after that incident he joined the army. At the end of his contract the army was trying to entice him to sign a new 2 year contract by offering him a promotion. When he refused to sign on for 2 more years, they gave the promotion to someone else who was staying on. He went into a rage and pulled a loaded gun on his boss. He was tackled and taken to the army mental hospital. They committed him for 2 weeks observation and put him on anti psychotic drugs then gave him a desk job for the rest of his contract.

Two years out of the army, he was married and went out to celebrate New Years with his wife and some friends. One of the men in the group patted my stepson on the shoulder. Stepson told the guy to not pat his shoulder. The guy. later on in the evening, touched his shoulder again and my stepson flew into a rage, punched the guy, dropped him to the floor and started beating him. Security pulled him off of the guy and called the police. When police arrived, my stepson claimed PTSD and said he wanted to go to the veterans mental hospital. They took him there where he was committed for 48 hours.

At the family Christmas party the same year, my stepson was sitting in the living room with his sister and two of their aunts. Out of no where he jumped on his sister and started to strangle her. Again, no explanation or apology.

My stepson also likes to play victim and sulk and also does passive aggressive things.

As an example of playing victim: He would invite my husband and I to visit him when he lived out of state. When we arrived he would be gone and tell us via cell phone that he didn't know we were coming. Later on, I would hear from his mother or sister that he called them all upset and wounded that we said we were coming for a visit and never showed up. He has done this scenario several times.

Another way he plays victim, he tells people that he was abandoned by his Father as a child. The truth is that his parents got a divorce when he was about 3 or 4 years old. His parents always had joint custody splitting time in half and my husband has always paid child support.

Passive aggression examples: We would make arrangements to meet for dinner in a restaurant. We would arrive and he would not be there. We call him and he says he is on his way. We wait another hour, call him, he says he had to stop somewhere else but still on his way. This goes on for 3 hours, when we finally give up and go home or he actually shows up 3 hours late. This has happened so many times over the years that I have lost count.

Another example: He invited my husband and I to visit with him and his wife out of state. He told us what weekend would be best for them. We spoke to him on the phone just prior to leaving, to make sure that everything was still a go. He told us he made plans to take us to some civil war museums. We drove 10 hours to their home and when we arrived his wife had no idea that we were coming. He acted like he didn't invite us. His wife had a surprise birthday party planned for her grandfather that evening. They also had an out of state wedding to go to the next day and were spending the night there. So we spent the night and headed back home in the morning. I felt like he orchestrated the whole thing to mess with us and his wife. Later on he told his sister that we blew him off that weekend and he was hurt over it.   

My stepson is 30 now, divorced and lives in his mother's condo with his girlfriend. They have been together about 9 months. Prior to that he had a girlfriend for about 10 months. That ended after she found out he cheated on her. Prior to that he was married for two years. They were seeing a marriage counselor ever since they got engaged. He cheated on her also. She told me that she could never figure him out. She always felt like she was walking around on eggshells. She never knew what would set him off. She was always frustrated with him because he wouldn't keep a job.

He currently works full time doing PC support at a company where his mother works. She got him the job there 10 months ago. Prior to that he worked part time buying used books from universities for about 6 months. He quit that job after he went to meet with a professor and got into an argument with her. Prior to that, he was in the Army for 6 years.

I wish I could figure my stepson out. I feel like if it was a mental disorder I would maybe know how to handle him and perhaps he could get on some medication. The way it is now, I am just afraid of him. I don't trust him. So the only way I know to protect myself is to stay away and hopefully stay off his radar. I seem to be the only one that thinks he has a mental disorder. People who know him casually, think he is charming.    His Mother thinks he is immature for his age and too sensitive. His sister thinks he's weird, and may have had a drug problem, and perhaps a mental disorder. My husband thinks he did all the violent stuff when he was on drugs. My husband recently asked him about the sexual assault on me. Stepson now claims he was on acid and he doesn't remember doing that to me. I feel like everyone is in denial. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[motherof1yearold]

 

First off, I'm so sorry all of this happened!

From what I read, I immediately thought your stepson is more anti social personality disorder than BPD. But cluster B personality disorders tend to be co morbid. I know anti social PD doesn't sound like it describes him, but the name is misleading. It is the technical term for psychopathy. I'm not saying that lightly. I've been on this site about a year for my ex husband who is likely aspd and BPD (with NPD traits thrown in)

I am very concerned about him exposing himself to you. The fact he went to jiggle your door handle makes me think he MAY have had further intentions, possibly to rape you. I highly recommend going to your local army surplus store and buying a discreet 40$ taser. They have ones that look like a small cell phone.

One thing alarming in all of your accounts, is that he always seemed to laugh when frightening you or exposing himself, etc. That is sadism. He isn't laughing because it is funny, he is laughing because he gets pleasure from it. Those with Aspd easily get bored and need their next thrill, which is exactly why things escalated (and will likely continue to)

The hide and seek story was eerie, it sounds like he could have planned the whole thing out!

As for the urinating... . It is an actual known and common fact that psychopaths and sociopaths urinate on themselves (or bedwet) into older ages. My ex Aspd husband urinated himself (awake) until age 14 I believe. It is an odd, explainable fact. However, it is relevant. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Stepmom99   



Thank you for sharing your story with us.

It must be so scary at times to deal with your stepson, and you have been doing it for so long.   

For your stepson to get a proper diagnosis, he would have to be assessed by a psychiatrist/psychologist.

And we as members here on the forum are definitely not equipped to give or rule out a diagnosis.

That being said, I also want to say (just like motherof1yearold) that from your descriptions I was rather thinking antisocial PD than BPD, for the same reasons that motherof1yearold gives... .

Now, that does not mean that your son can't be BPD. He might be BPD and ASPD, or neither... . That is really up to the professionals to diagnose.

My question to you would be, what aspects of those behaviors do you suspect as showing BPD?

Also, have you looked up the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD? Which ones do you see in your stepson's behaviors?

Is the possibility of BPD a recent discovery to you? Have you had a chance to read any books about it yet, that "ring true" for you?

Let us know, this board is a welcoming community and a great resource, hope you find it helpful, as you are sorting things out for yourself... .

Pessim-optimist

[Stepmom99]

motherof1yearold -

Very interesting about ASPD, sociopaths and sadism! I never heard that urinating on oneself was a sign of a sociopath. I am going to do some more reading on ASPD and see if he fits that profile.

pessim-optimist -

I just recently read about BPD symptoms and thought maybe that is what he has. I really don't know for sure. He has never revealed what his diagnosis is or if he even got one. I think he has been committed 4 times.

The main symptom I've seen is -Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

He goes into a rage and you don’t even know what set him off. It comes out of nowhere. It’s like you say “Hi” and he hears “I hate you” and reacts to that. Your left standing there wondering what the heck just happened. I remember one occasion where my husband told him to fill out his 1040ez form and he flew into a rage. Screaming that my husband never loved him, he was a terrible father and he was never there for him. It made absolutely no sense. When my stepson put a gun in my face, all I had said to him was “Hi, I didn’t know you were coming over”.

Identity disturbance & unstable self image.

I have observed him act like a completely different person depending on who he is with. It’s like he is performing new characters. His favorite is to play the role of victim to draw sympathy and attention. He sets up scenarios where he can look like a victim. He will lie about what actually happened to play victim when in fact, he victimized someone else. When he is around my husband and I, he usually acts sulky & depressed. Around strangers he plays the charmer. When he met his wife, he morphed into the charmer. It was like he became what she was looking for. He became religious & went to church. He talked about how he was ready to have children. He told her that he hates infidelity and how loyal he is.  All of this was an act and totally not who he really is.

Suicidal behavior:

When he was around 17 he told us that he had thought about killing himself. He said he tried it once at the beach by trying to drown himself. On another occasion he was fighting with his mom and he threatened to kill her and himself. My gut tells me that he is just threatening suicide to manipulate and get his way. When that doesn't work, he escalates into violence. So, I'm not sure if it really is suicidal behavior.

Pattern of unstable  relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation/splitting.

-He idealized his wife when they first got together. Once they were married she was to blame for everything. She could do nothing right. He flew into rages over nothing. She told me that she always felt like she was walking on eggshells around him. He cheated on her with a woman he picked up in a bar. Then he told her about it, with all the gory details and begged her not to leave him. She agreed to work it out with continued marriage counseling. Then he left her and filed for divorce.

-He fluctuates between loving his dad and hating him. When he hates his dad he blames him for everything wrong in his own life. He tells people that he is so wounded by his dad “abandoning” the family and that all he wants is time with his dad. When his dad tries to spend time with him, he pushes him away. One year for Christmas, we were staying in our hometown visiting family for two weeks. My stepson, 27 at the time, was also staying there with his grandfather for two weeks. My husband called him everyday to invite him to breakfast, lunch, dinner or just to hang out. He was "busy" every time. A few weeks later I was talking to my step daughter and she said that my stepson was all upset and wounded that we blew him off at Christmas time.    He told her that he is always disappointed in his father and that I probably had something to do with it. I just don't understand this behavior. It's like he is demonizing his dad -splitting?

I'm not sure if this is BPD but he also has to be the center of attention always dominating the conversation. When we first met his fiance we sat around the table asking her questions and getting to know her. I could tell he was becoming agitated. He kept interrupting and trying to change the subject away from her. Finally he got up from the table and flung himself on the sofa, giving a big sigh of boredom. Usually when we are around the stepson, we have to sit there and listen to him complain for hours. Conversations usually revolve around all the "idiots" he has to put up with. I've also noticed that he has nothing good to say about anyone who isn't in the room. So if he is at his mom's house, we are being torn apart. If he is with us, he will be telling us what a psycho his mother is.

[vivekananda]

HI Stepmom99   

Welcome to our parent's board.

It sounds like you have had a really distressing time with your stepson. He certainly does sound like he could be BPD but 'pessio' is right, we are not the best judge of that at all. If you do your reading and investigating, you should be able to make a good call yourself. It is just as likely that he has co-morbidity with other conditions. It may not be a straightforward diagnosis.

Nevertheless, while knowing what the problem is important, knowing how best to deal with the situation you are in is probably more important. I would like to encourage you to read and learn about BPD and also read and learn about the best tools we have: values based boundary setting and validation. Are you familiar with these concepts?

A good introductory book to BPD from a parent's perspective is by Valerie Porr: 'Overcoming BPD' which I can highly recommend.

The site here has lots of good resources available, articles and workshops, have a look through the site and see how it works.

This parent's board is a great place for support and guidance, it helps to post here. The discussions that occur can be an easy way to learn. So, keep on posting Stepmom99, I look forward to you response.

Cheers,

Vivek