Pregnancy, miscarriages, cutting... I need help

[JayboL]

Hey everybody!

I am in dire need of help. I feel like I am at like wits end.  I love my woman so damn much but I feel like I am becoming entrenched in something codependent and incredibly unhealthy.

     Firstly, she has been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder and has in the past been diagnosed as having bipolar. They have her on a lower grade mood stabilizer which she doesn't particularly like taking because it makes her body itch... .and a high dose antidepressant.

I am not a mental health professional but am in training/school to pursue a career as a graduate nurse practitioner in mental health. I bring this up because my schooling threw up some red flags early in mine and my love's relationship.  Particularly, the overt inability to control her impulsive behavior with binge drinking. Early on I noticed some texting between her and a suitor and we inevitably argued and she (drunkenly) cut her wrist, badly.  My instinct was to call the ambulance but I was able to stop the bleeding. Afterwards she pleaded with me not to tell anyone. I somehow now... .feel responsible for her safety... .from herself as well as others as she's been raped.multiple times and has a history of sexual trauma.

I tried to tell her that her behavior was dangerous and that she should seek counseling. She agreed. Shortly thereafter, we found out she was pregnant.

I was personally hopeful that this would be a catalyst for positive change. Instead she sank into a deep deep depression. She refused to go to the doctor and eventually, after miscarrying what was 1 of 2 fraternal twins, aborted then other against my wishes (which is my burden to bear as I completely respect that it's her body and her decision).
Things have been up and down and up and down and up and down. I have found that things bare best when we aren't drinking at all. I have found it difficult to be a part of this roller-coaster bit don't really know what to do. We've been more.and more alienated and she refuses to talk about our issues. I grew up with progressive parents who taught me that communication is the most important thing in any relationship. I have found the fact that she refuses to talk stuff pit as INCREDIBLY frustrating. I have blown up more times than I can count, and I feel like I'm not myself anymore. On top of this, it bothers me because I feel like she uses this lack of communication as a tool to make me angry... .which hurts me further. I also get incredibly frustrated as I can't seem to do anything right and when I bring up anything she may be doing that I find cold, hurtful, or just wrong... .I am met with an attitude that I am judging her and if I don't like it to go find someone else. I have considered this but whenever I do this I am met with warmth and caring and/or overt threats of self harm.

Today, it came to a head again as she slammed my fingers in her bedroom door and in the haze of pain I exclaimed "That was an ass thing yo do." She claimed she didn't see them, yet refused to apologize. Then spent the next 2 hours being cold and mean, saying "Apparently im.just some ass... .well an ass would treat you like ______ ... .etc etc." We inevitably ended up arguing, then I believed a resolution  was found.

Tonight, we both had a few drink at our local watering hole and started arguing again back home. She cut herself again... .I walked in the bedroom and there was blood on the sheets. I tried to call 911 and she told me she will either kill herself or leave in her car (while drunk). I am now sitting in her bedroom watching her.sleep and am at my wits end.

I feel.trapped.

she is in therapy, and I know I could use some work in dealing with this BPD relationship as well.

Is there any hope?

What can I do.?

We have a strong history and what I believe to be love for each other, but I don't know how to handle this anymore... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Jaybol,

Sorry to hear you right in the middle of a crisis as you write this. She is there right now after attempting to do some physical harm to herself? She is passed out now? You did not call the police?

If she is sleeping now... .and you can't sleep I guess it is time to consider a plan for the morning.

Thinking about a plan for the relationship overall is thinking too far ahead... .you just need to get through the night and into the next day, right? What happens when she wakes up? 

Have you called a suicide hotline in your area? Perhaps they can provide you some more immediate support as you come to grips with this tonight?

sorry you having such a tough time right now, pearlsw.

[JayboL]

I inspected the wound and though she refused to clean  and dress it, I was able to cover it and stop the bleeding. She is now sleeping and I am sitting over her. I am just exhausted. I don't know how to communicate to her that this is unnacceptable dangerous behavior.

[pearlsw]

Hi Jaybol,

I only have 3 minutes, but will check back later... .For now can just say this is not your responsibility, this is bigger than you. You can only play your role, not control outcomes. I am sure you know that, just a friendly reminder.

This requires more serious attention that is for professionals. You can offer support, but not more, you can't "get her to see things". She is doing what she does because it releases her pain, that is how she feels. She needs help with working on retraining that for herself.

hugs to you tonight!     

Get some rest if you can!

pearlsw