Where do I go from here

[LeChuck]

So, Mrs LeChuck left this morning to stay at her Mums while we “try separating”
Things had been heading off course since Boxing Day, came to a head yesterday when she said she was leaving and now she’s gone. This isn’t something I want, I and the mini Chucks have all told her we love her and we want her to come home, but she’s not promising anything. As she walked out the door she handed me all of the details of her half of the bills and said I’d need to change them over to my name.
She’s been quite chatty today on text, told me she loves me, said sweet dreams, she’s even coming home for New Year’s Eve to spend it with us. And apparently she wants me to ske her on a date in the next couple of weeks.
On the flip side, she’s told a mutual friend I invited her to my house for New Years(its been our home for 11 years), changed her FB status to separated and bought loads of stuff for her room at her Mums.
To complicate matters, New year is also our anniversary.

I think the triggers for this episode are.
 Not being paid enough money this month to cover her share of the bills.
The mental health treatment team, who previously were going to be helping her long term, have changed their mind and discharged her.
She’s stopped drinking, which is great, but has removed a huge buffer she used to numb the pain.
I’ve reacted badly to her behaviour as it’s dysregulated, due to my own anxiety.

Where do I start trying to build a bridge? How do I validate her needs long distance? And what do I do about our anniversary? Acknowledge it, get her flowers, or just let it lie"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey LeChuck - I'm really sorry things have gone in this direction. It really sounds like she's left you in a difficult position in many ways. It really sounds like you want to heal the relationship and try and get things back on track, but she's decided to go in the opposite direction.

In one of your first posts, you talked about her asking you the question - "can we still be best friends"? Your reply was a really good and healthy one - you said you would always be friendly, but your lives would go in different directions, so you couldn't make any promises. Do you still feel this way? I ask because if you try and be her "best friend" right now, you may not be true to yourself and your own feelings. I'm sure she doesn't feel like your best friend at this point.

So the first part of the answer to your question is, be honest with yourself about how you feel. Think about your feelings. Let them come to the surface - you don't have to stuff them down anymore just to get through another blame-filled face-to-face argument.

Also remember, you don't have to (and shouldn't) validate the invalid. If in one of the conversations you have, either via text or otherwise, she starts to talk about how things are all your fault, that it's entirely your problem, the answer to your question is simple - don't validate that.
You really DO have the option to not pick up the phone / reply to those texts if things are out of hand.

I will also put this out there - start thinking about ALL the possibilities of what might come. It's possible she WON'T come out of this episode, and then what might happen?

As for New Years, well, just let it happen. If she comes over, great - have a toast, give her a hug and a kiss if that's appropriate. Again, consider your feelings - buy the flowers if you feel like giving her a gesture. I would encourage you NOT to go over the top, and do not try and "win her back" - stay centered. Take some deep breaths.

The same goes for the date - the most important questions to ask, I think, are, how do YOU feel about the date? Are you excited? Are you nervous? Do you and she have an agreement about expectations?

This is a time of high emotions and a lot of change happening at once, LeChuck. You don't have to make all the decisions immediately. In fact, it's a good idea to take a deep breath now. Think Wisemind

We're here for you, LeChuck 

[Turkish]

I wouldn't not mention the anniversary.  Ignoring it might confirm that you don't care and are abandoning her (never mind that she is the one doing this 

You invited her,  she accepted,  yes? Balls in her court.  An acknowledgment of the anniversary would be good.  "I look forward to you spending new years with us," and let it lie.  Flowers might be a good idea. 

[LeChuck]

Thanks for the responses guys, there’s a lot to think about there.
I still feel like her husband, at the moment I’m full of sadness and anger and fear. I suffer with anxiety and at the moment it’s sky high. I feel like I’m thinking through white noise.

She doesn’t really do arguments, she keeps it all inside until it takes over and she can’t cope. If i start an argument, she very quickly moves into dysfunctional behaviour, I don’t think she can cope with the emotional pressure of the argument.
The reason she’s left is because in her mind our marriage has always been awful and she can’t see an end to the problems and she can’t keep doing that to both of us. So she is aware that her BPD is playing a part, but she can’t see past it. She’s not said it’s my fault at all.
It’s been an incredibly hard year, but there have been some truly amazing times in there too.

If she doesn’t come out of the episode, I don’t know, she still has to be in our lives because of the kids, but at the moment that’s possibly to big an idea to deal with.

I’ll acknowledge the anniversary, I’ll send her a message in the morning and get her flowers when she comes round.
I want her to know it’s not awful when she’s here, that we still want her to be home, how do I reconcile that with not being her best friend?

[LeChuck]

New Years was a mixed bag.
I gave her an anniversary card, which went down ok.
She came over for the evening, and it was a bit, disjointed. She kept pushing to make it feel like she was a guest, saying thanks for inviting her to my house etc
At the same time she was also quite affectionate, long heartfelt hugs, she kissed me a few times. Not fiery passion, but certainly like you’d kiss your long term partner, used affectionate names, held my hand on the sofa and we both said “I love youww” when she left.
She also said she feels a sense of relief and calm now she’s at her Mum’s. And she needs time to decide what she wants.

So I think there are 2 sides to this, she still loves me, the kids, the dog. But she can’t cope with the idea of having to be here.
I’m trying to validate her feelings of relief while also not validating the fact that it was always awful while she was here. I could really use some help with working on that message.


For now, i’m Focusing on getting the house working with me as a single parent, which is a lot of work.

We’re going on a date on Wednesday, so I think I need to treat it as a proper date. Pick her up, have a good time, drop her home, tell her how much I enjoyed it and ask if I can see her again.

I feel like the way forward is to stop saying I want her to come home and show her how much I like her, no matter where she is.
Does this sound totally crazy?

[juju2]

Happy New Year

am reading your story, i too am separated from my uBPD, we were together 10 years, and all i know is allow the space, radical acceptance, and the hardest for me, no expectations.  My s.o. doesnt do well w demands, expectations, pressure, etc.
So right now, w couples counseling, we are starting from zero. 

The other great thing i read here, is meet them where they are, so my s.o. says he wants to be friends, so that is where i must be mentally... .does that make sense?

Thank you for listening, hang in there... .sometimes, we nons are the holders of hope.  do the best you can... .j

[LeChuck]

I just want to say a massive thank-you to everyone who responded at the time.
I feel like things have moved on for me enormously since I last posted
I've found a local support group for loved ones of BPD sufferers, where I have been given homework on better understanding the disorder and making changes to improve the relationship, whatever form it takes.
We've had very little contact over the last week and a half, which has given me the head space I didn't know I needed to remember who I am and start looking at my future. (I couldn't even conceive of a future as anything other than her husband.
)
I actually feel like I have choices about how this progresses, no matter what choices she makes.
The kids are coping really well with the situation and I've even managed to spend more time with them just being a Dad.

There is a long road ahead of us, but I feel like I've started moving.

LeChuck

[Tattered Heart]

I actually feel like I have choices about how this progresses, no matter what choices she makes.
The kids are coping really well with the situation and I've even managed to spend more time with them just being a Dad.

There is a long road ahead of us, but I feel like I've started moving.

I'm sorry to hear that things still aren't quite where you want them, but I'm glad that you can see some choices. It really does give breathing space and clarity to get some distance. I think it's awesome that you found a local support group. I wish there were more throughout the country. How did you find the group? Is it BPD specific?

[Skip]

We hope you will continue to work with us.  

What type of homework has helped?

[LeChuck]

I'm UK based and I found them through one of the mental health charities here. (rethink.org)

There's a lot of reading from the rethink website, the Tara4BPD website and I've been tasked with looking at how the information relates to me.
I've also been told in no uncertain terms (kind but firm) that I have to make myself and the children the number one priority.