Thanks for posting this. I was wondering about this kind of thing today. I got an e-mail from my exH with details of his work related trip to a country we talked about moving to/visiting even as recently as last summer that turned out to include information about his new partner going with him. To be fair, I'd asked him to provide me with a contact number or e-mail other than his mobile in case there was a problem with the phone as we have children together and I need to know how to reach him if there's any emergency - what I didn't want to know was what they'd be doing and where they'd be going and that it would be his honeymoon as well as work.
Instead of going to pieces on the spot and really feeling the hurt, I took a different approach. I'm not saying that 'feeling the feelings' isn't a good idea, it's just that I've been on a hellish rollercoaster for eight years and I can't afford the luxury of time out to sit with these feelings any more.
So I talked to myself and I told myself the following:
1. if I had been the one to go with him, I'd have been on the other side of the world with no support and he would, in all likelihood, got stressed about work and ignored me - would it have been worth going to this country I'd like to see to have that happen - NO
2. do I actually want to be with him just now - NO (the last break was the final straw for me - I'm still really struggling but not with pining issues!)
3. Does it actually matter that he could have a brilliant time with his new wife? NO - because (a) refer to point 1 - he wouldn't have had a brilliant time with me because I'm no longer 'ideal' and (b) it's nothing to do with me anymore
4. he will be away for nearly a month from our children - might be OK for him but he misses out on so much fun with them (they are older, not as dependent and good company with lots of exciting things happening for them)
So I am going to attempt this new strategy with more vigour - every time I am triggered (and it still happens more than I'd wish because of contact re: kids), I am going to take a step back and talk to myself.
For every exciting thing he seems to be doing that reminds me of good times we had, I will remember the multiple times when what started out as a good time ended in a 180 and me wondering what had gone wrong.
Every time I hear about how happy he is now, I will remember how loving and happy he could be with me when we reconciled and how it didn't last. I will remember how he reconciled with an ex-gf whenever he left me and how happy he was with her and then ends up married someone completely different.
And I will tell myself that the longer he is blissfully happy and doing all the things with her that I hoped he'd want to do with me again, then the more time and space I have to heal and perhaps find someone who will want to do these things with me - not just raise my expectations about them and dash them or give me the things I want then spoil my enjoyment of them with his negative comments or by taking them away.
When you can take them off the pedestal and stop thinking they were perfect and "the one"... . and see them accurately with their faults... . it gets easier to be apart from them.
This has been key for me. Once I saw him as he is now and not as 'my husband' who I had loved for all my adult life, things really changed. I struggle a lot still because I am still grieving so much loss (of future and my illusions) but I am not missing him nor wishing we were back together.
