depression-anxiety

[tomjon78]

I have now been NC for three weeks. I´ts  been ups and downs and I felt better at first. When I saw her a few days ago I really got upset. Yesterday I had a night out and met a her former boyfriend. He approached me and wanted to talk to me but I kind of dodged it. I went home with a girl for the first time since I split up with my ex. I just couldn´t go through it and have sex with her. She understood that and everything was ok between us.

Today has been really rough. I have a 8 day worktrip on monday and I have just stayed in bed, my stomach aches, i´ve been crying and I even was googling her to finds some things out about her today. This I have not done. I´ve blocked her from my life.

I just don´t understand the depression stage i´m in. My head is like exploding with memories. I try to overshadow them with the bad experience. I just really want to move on but I just can´t now.

My ex wife and mother of my 2 children has also been in more contact and I also find that hard. Even thought we have settled our matters and closure is there, I even am thinking about the times with her.

Maybe it´s just being alone and somekind of emptiness feeling.

I just feel really bad now... . I just thought this would be better by time... .

[eniale]

Therapy can be very helpful.  Don't know how long you were together.  Did you find you were "walking on eggshells"?  You may have formed a Trauma Bond; if so, breakup is more difficult than a normal breakup.  Also, breakup with her may be triggering painful memories of breakup with your former wife.  One loss of whatever kind (breakup, death, etc.) can bring back memories of other losses.  If you find cost of therapy prohibitive, most counties have a Family Service Association with a sliding fee schedule.  If you suspect your ex had BPD, and if you can afford private therapy, try to locate therapist with expertise in BPD.  Even a few sessions can be helpful; you sound like you are suffering.  Good luck.

[fromheeltoheal]

I went through similar feelings.  It's said that it takes half as long as a relationship lasted to fully grieve, and that's a normal relationship; I found it has taken as long as the relationship lasted with my BPD ex to truly move on emotionally.  So you might want to do the math and see where you are.  Of course our heart doesn't follow a calendar, but that info helped me.

It's helpful to focus on all the bad times, and you did mention you felt good at first, so did I, very good, because I'd finally grown tired enough of her sht to do something about it.  But then the good times and feelings keep creeping back in, which after a while got me very curious.  I've come to accept that someone with BPD MUST attach to other people to feel whole, it's a matter of life or death, and so they get extremely good at it.  She got so good at it with me that I ignored red flag after red flag and kept pressing on, even in the face of complete crap and abuse, so it's natural that there will be residue of the good and the pull lingering even after you've parted.  It's said that love is temporary insanity, and I was insane, far more than with other women.  In time you might find that curiosity about yourself, which to me has become the gift of BPD; I'm not the same person I was before or during the relationship, I have grown, and maybe nothing happens to us but for us.  Good luck to you, stay NC, and keep talking about it.