Diabolically Brilliant Actress

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I would classify my expwBPDgf as being very high functioning. I don’t know if the technical literature distinguishes high functioning / low functioning.  She was very intelligent (extremely high IQ), highly professionally skilled, a very high achiever, exceeded the highest income bracket, an amazing memory, etc.  She could obviously discern right from wrong, had a conscience, etc.  But when it came to her own behaviour after she dropped the facade … what the heck?

Yes, this BPD sickness is so overpowering, she preferred to rationalise away any and all wrongdoing rather than deal with the pain and shame of admitting she had erred and make amends. Her favourite line was “I have every right to blah blah blah”.  Apparently, ringing, stalking, abusing and threatening my family was perfectly fine in her mind – even though they had only ever extended loving kindness toward her.  She deliberately set out to terrorise my 70+ year old mother – yes a frail old lady who loved her like her own daughter - absolutely disgusting behaviour on BPD’s part. I was absolutely dumbfounded.  Never in my wildest nightmares did I imagine people like her actually exist.

What a diabolically destructive illness BPD truly is.  And what an amazing actress – actually sucked me and my family in with her little miss perfect routine!   Well a man has to protect his family and the best thing I ever did was lick her out of my (and my family’s) life NEVER TO RETURN.

Ok, just had to get that off my chest

[WXYZ]

I would classify my expwBPDgf as being very high functioning. I don’t know if the technical literature distinguishes high functioning / low functioning.  She was very intelligent (extremely high IQ), highly professionally skilled, a very high achiever, exceeded the highest income bracket, an amazing memory, etc.  She could obviously discern right from wrong, had a conscience, etc.  But when it came to her own behaviour after she dropped the facade … what the heck?

Yes, this BPD sickness is so overpowering, she preferred to rationalise away any and all wrongdoing rather than deal with the pain and shame of admitting she had erred and make amends. Her favourite line was “I have every right to blah blah blah”.  Apparently, ringing, stalking, abusing and threatening my family was perfectly fine in her mind – even though they had only ever extended loving kindness toward her.  She deliberately set out to terrorise my 70+ year old mother – yes a frail old lady who loved her like her own daughter - absolutely disgusting behaviour on BPD’s part. I was absolutely dumbfounded.  Never in my wildest nightmares did I imagine people like her actually exist.

What a diabolically destructive illness BPD truly is.  And what an amazing actress – actually sucked me and my family in with her little miss perfect routine!   Well a man has to protect his family and the best thing I ever did was lick her out of my (and my family’s) life NEVER TO RETURN.

Ok, just had to get that off my chest

[jollygreen]

Congratulations on coming back to normality! Everyone is not perfect, even little children figure that out at a certain age. My expwBPD hated my mom too. Maybe because from day one mum could see through her actress routine unlike most people. Once confronted her about a boundary she crossed (an imperfection), she couldn't accept it. She blamed me, my family, and peaced out.

[WXYZ]

Congratulations on coming back to normality! Everyone is not perfect, even little children figure that out at a certain age. My expwBPD hated my mom too. Maybe because from day one mum could see through her actress routine unlike most people. Once confronted her about a boundary she crossed (an imperfection), she couldn't accept it. She blamed me, my family, and peaced out.

Hey thanks jollygreen for the input.

The difference between our experiences is that my expwBPD professed

LOVE for my mother - both before and after these ‘terrorising’ episodes.

Figure that one out!

This reminds me of a recent thread on this forum entitled: ‘How do they define love?’ 

In my estimation, they are incapable of putting love into practise. 

They can give lip service but lack the very substance if you get what I mean. 

On one hand they profess love and on the other they set out to damage the very ones they say they love. 

It’s just hypocrisy plain and simple I reckon. They do know the harm they cause but don’t want

to acknowledge the truth (too painful) - it’s much easier for them to rationalise the whole thing

away to appease their conscience (cognitive dissonance). The sad thing is this whole process is

an exercise in self-delusion (lying to themselves) and they will never begin to recover until they

are willing to acknowledge the TRUTH.

End rant

[Reg]

AussieBloke,

I had the same experience with her behavior towards my mother, actually she never said a bad word about her ever.

That's why I just opened a new topic on how they experence family love vs their 'real' love for you (as an object).

Reg

[Clearmind]

And you would be right - BPD is an emotional and shame disorder and more often than not treatment is not sort.

We on the other hand can begin to look into our own truth and what brought us to the relationship and what it was about us that kept us there. Only you know the truth to that Aussie!

I sense some anger - and thats OK - its completely natural. Under the anger for me was some guilt and shame that I stuck around for far too long against my better judgement, that my ex had got very close to my family and friends and that I completely lost myself in the face of a dysfunctional roller coaster.

If this relationship was not the ultimate definition of love - by the sounds of your post - how would you define love and how can you spot the red flags a little sooner?

My own definition of love was floored. I thought the intensity my ex and I had for each other equated to love - how I was wrong.

[GlennT]

Yes. They are naturally brilliant actors, who are meant to be viewed  strictly for their entertainment value only,  from a safe distance. They have vomit smileys onboard here.

[HostNoMore]

AussieBloke's one sounds almost like a clone of my ex.  Good choice, my man, on getting her out of your life.  Hold the course.

An HF borderline is very difficult to ferret out due to that acting ability.  I knew mine for eight years and, in retrospect, did notice a few hints of something not right about her though at the time I did not have a clue. 

I'm having to deal now with a very good friend of mine going back to work at my former place of employment where I met both of these ladies.  I've had a very close friendship with this person for years, and she is very defensive of me plus very outspoken.  Being that my exBPDgf still works there too, I am glad I kept my mouth shut to her about this relationship even though she'd be mad at me for withholding the information from her.

My only fear is that this new twist could trigger the borderline to attempt to contact me again as my friend is telling me how everyone is asking about me as they all know she and I are very close.  If it happens, I'll handle it gracefully though I have been shoring up the NC walls at all points of potential contact.

[WXYZ]

If this relationship was not the ultimate definition of love - by the sounds of your post - how

would you define love and how can you spot the red flags a little sooner?

How would I define love?   

It seems many people have different ideas about what love means – and that’s fair enough I guess. 

I could answer that question by asking another question: what does it take to be a good parent? 

I think the answer to the question lies somewhere therein.

I relate very strongly to these words:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy [not jealous],

it does not boast [arrogant, brag, conceited], it is not proud.

It does not dishonour others [rude, act unbecomingly],

it is not self-seeking [demand its own way],

it is not easily angered [irritable, resentful, provoked],

it keeps no record of wrongs [of being wronged].

Love does not delight in evil [rejoice about injustice, wrongdoing]

but rejoices with the truth [whenever the truth wins out].

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails [endures through every circumstance].

Its interesting to note that the above words are as much about what to do as what NOT to do. 

I guess the bottom line is its about being a decent person – it’s something practical (rather than

some incomprehensible philosophical gibberish)  – something quantifiable (a set of metrics) that

we can use to keep ourselves in check, so to speak, and also useful to gauge the types of people

we come into contact with during our daily lives.   

Of course nobody is perfect but what I tend to look for in friends and a potential life partner

is someone who is growing in the general direction as outlined by this set of words.

Personally I find it very useful.

But this only scratches the surface of what love means to me …

Red flags?

What I noticed with my expwBPD, when she finally dropped the façade and the real mentally

disordered person emerged, was that her behaviour pretty much amounted to the antithesis

of the above definition – i.e. impatient, unkind, jealous, boastful, proud, dishonouring others,

selfish, self-seeking, very easily angered, holding grudges, deriving joy by hurting others,

unable to hear or admit to the truth, doesn’t protect, cannot trust, and gives up and FAILS. 

And when this pattern emerged I ended it – no ifs buts or maybes - gone!

[newlife3]

BPD is a spectrum disorder, meaning there is a wide range of functioning and not all BPD' have the same cycles of maladaptive coping.

An intelligent, high functioning BPD are very skillful at hiding their disorder and often do very well at work. In fact, high functioning BPD's are very difficult for psychiatrists and therapists to diagnose, as the denial level and secrecy of their behaviours often fool people.

While it is good to look at your own issues, not all Non's are the same either, ie: not everyone has childhood abuse and is "co-dependent". This site is very helpful, but also has one approach which is all non's are "co-dependent" and child abuse survivors and so the strategies are based on that model. Its also not a subsitute for professional advice, therapy, etc. Mental illness can be very hard to spot, especially if the person is higher functioning.

My ex- husband was a high functioning  professional in the helping field and I am also a helping professional. I am highly educated, no history of childhood trauma and cope quite well.

He was very good of presenting the "false self" and highly manipulative. The only signs were some depressive symptoms, which of course is quite treatable.

In the end he was extremely destructive to himself and others. I check in here every once in a while to let others know there is life after BPD!... . ... . a very good life!

All the best to you Aussie!

[charred]

Congratulations on coming back to normality! Everyone is not perfect, even little children figure that out at a certain age. My expwBPD hated my mom too. Maybe because from day one mum could see through her actress routine unlike most people. Once confronted her about a boundary she crossed (an imperfection), she couldn't accept it. She blamed me, my family, and peaced out.

Interesting, my exBPDgf claimed to really like my mom... . but my mom didn't ever like her, and said the reason was because she always seemed phony to her. Mom called it.

[jollygreen]

Interesting, my exBPDgf claimed to really like my mom... . but my mom didn't ever like her, and said the reason was because she always seemed phony to her. Mom called it.

From the very first time my family met her, parents, brother, his wife, and grandma. They all said she seems fake and we're not seeing the real her. Parents would say "it's like she always puts on an act when she's around us."

ExBPD GF would say "I don't know how to act around your family, everyone else I've ever met loves being around me."

I would tell her "just be yourself."

Grandma said "I don't like her she's no good."

I kept saying to my family "wait till you get to know her she's wonderful." I said that for over two years... .

Family was right.

[WXYZ]

Speaking of parents and family, what really “grinds my gears” is how

disappointed my son was when he accidentally found out my expwBPD

had declared her love for another man on FBOOK.  He physically slumped

in his chair as a wave of heartbreak flowed through his body.

It’s enough to make your blood boil. It just amazes me how much carnage

BPDers cause. They never seem to consider the collateral damage done to

innocent 3rd parties either. Utterly selfish creatures they are!

[Clearmind]

How would I define love?  

I relate very strongly to these words:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy [not jealous],

it does not boast [arrogant, brag, conceited], it is not proud.

It does not dishonour others [rude, act unbecomingly],

it is not self-seeking [demand its own way],

it is not easily angered [irritable, resentful, provoked],

it keeps no record of wrongs [of being wronged].

Love does not delight in evil [rejoice about injustice, wrongdoing]

but rejoices with the truth [whenever the truth wins out].

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails [endures through every circumstance].

You shot that straight and I would agree with you. It seems when we take a close look at how we define it – we didn’t honour it in our BPD mate. This is something we can begin to take some accountability for. I know for certain that I attempted to change my partner to what my ideal was. The funny thing was my ‘ideal’ was no closer to be defined – it certainly is now.

One of the beauties about being in a BPD relationship is that we begin to redefine our own moral code and personal values.  This relationship was a massive wake up call to what love isn’t and how to spot it in the future by slowing it down and watching out the actions without the magical thinking of lust and sex.

Its interesting to note that the above words are as much about what to do as what NOT to do.  

I guess the bottom line is its about being a decent person – it’s something practical (rather than

some incomprehensible philosophical gibberish)  – something quantifiable (a set of metrics) that

we can use to keep ourselves in check, so to speak, and also useful to gauge the types of people

Yep actions speak louder than words. My ex talked to the talked but certainly didn’t walk it – I walked right into it against my better judgement – my bad!

Love can have limitations however the ‘love’ I had for my ex was so loaded it was incomprehensive. We both kept a tally on each other and used it against one another in times of conflict.

Of course nobody is perfect but what I tend to look for in friends and a potential life partner

is someone who is growing in the general direction as outlined by this set of words.

Certainly – no one is perfect. Our ex’s wanted us to be perfect and we couldn’t possibly be. Its this striving for perfection and partner pleasing that got us into this mess. I equated perfection for being of value. When it all fell apart, so did I. My whole sense of self worth left with my ex.

Things are very different now.

Red flags?

What I noticed with my expwBPD, when she finally dropped the façade and the real mentally

disordered person emerged, was that her behaviour pretty much amounted to the antithesis

of the above definition – i.e. impatient, unkind, jealous, boastful, proud, dishonouring others,

selfish, self-seeking, very easily angered, holding grudges, deriving joy by hurting others,

unable to hear or admit to the truth, doesn’t protect, cannot trust, and gives up and FAILS.  

And when this pattern emerged I ended it – no ifs buts or maybes - gone!

Yep! You have some strong boundaries then Aussie. Many of us stayed beyond the expiry date.

What brought you to bpdfamily? What answers are you seeking – to learn more about you, more about BPD, more about why your partner did what she did? When we feel anger it generally tends to point some deep vulnerable emotions.

hit__

Speaking of parents and family, what really “grinds my gears” is how

disappointed my son was when he accidentally found out my expwBPD

had declared her love for another man on FBOOK.  He physically slumped

in his chair as a wave of heartbreak flowed through his body.

It’s enough to make your blood boil. It just amazes me how much carnage

BPDers cause. They never seem to consider the collateral damage done to

innocent 3rd parties either. Utterly selfish creatures they are!

Very hurtful. The carnage was something we stuck around for - they don't understand the collateral damage yet we did. I am sorry that your son is hurting - kids are an innocent by stander to adult conflict.

[WXYZ]

… It seems when we take a close look at how we define it [LOVE] – we didn’t honour it in our BPD mate.

This is something we can begin to take some accountability for. I know for certain that I attempted to

change my partner to what my ideal was. The funny thing was my ‘ideal’ was no closer to be defined – it certainly is now.

“we didn’t honour it in our BPD mate. This is something we can begin to take some accountability for.” ? 

Can you elaborate on this point please – I’m not entirely sure I understand what you are trying to say here. 

I didn’t try to change her – she mutated from someone who shared the same perspective (mirroring I guess)

into someone/something completely unrecognisable.  We talked for about a year (as friends with a view to

entering a relationship) before we decided we would enter into said relationship. And that’s when the lunacy

began – slowly and very subtlety at first but after a while the lunacy escalated very quickly. I found myself

explaining the bleeding obvious to her.  But as simple and well intentioned the logic was, it just seem to

bounce off her thick skull.

[Clearmind]

You gave a very clear definition of how you define love. Your relationship did not come close to your definition... .