How to let go.

[xandrew245x]

I am new here, I am currently trying to detach from my ex wife who I strongly believe has BPD. My whole story is under the new member section.

I have been with her for over 3 years, I thought things were going well, other than the outbursts and fights. Her wanting a divorce and having a another man involved is a lot of me to take all at once. I have been very depressed since it happened, and I have been very angry about her being with this other guy. She has already met his parents, and she brought him to her moms house for them to meet, and that almost sent me over the edge.

I want to move on from this very toxic relationship, but this is the worst pain I have ever felt, and I don't want to let her go. I have admitted myself to counseling and I start Tuesday.

I know this is the right place for me to be, and I know this is the best decision for me in the long run, but right now it all seems so wrong.

[Want2know]

There is a lot to learn and go through during the grieving and detachment phases which you can read about in the Lessons on this board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0).  It's rough... . we've all been there (and some still there). 

I want to share with you something that a friend sent me yesterday since the title of your thread reminded me of it:

Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

   it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

   it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

   it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

   it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

   but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

   but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

   but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

   but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

   it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

   but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

   but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

   but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

[willtimeheal]

Andrew245x

my ex BPD partner and I were together for a little over four years. For three and a half of those years she was an alcoholic.  She always blamed me for not moving forward but she had nothing to offer me.being drunk.all the time. Plus she would put me.down and belittled me. She isolated me from family and friends. I played a part too. I allowed her  to do these things to me. I started counseling. She finally went and got meds to stop drinking but refused counseling. As I went to counseling I got stronger an  placed boundaries and what I would put up with as far as verbal and emotional abuse. As I got stronger she got more distant. Then she just left me three months ago. She told me she was moving in with a new bf and they were going to be a family with her kids. I was shocked. Never saw it coming. I thought we were doing ok. That news almost put me over the edge. Counseling friends this website and medication helped me and continue to help me everyday. It is a tremendous struggle. A breakup with a BPD is beyond painful. She continues to text me and tell me she is unhappy and wants me back. I struggle with it because I do love her. Hang in there. Stay positive and stay busy. You can do it and it takes time so be patient.

[xandrew245x]

She blamed me for a lot of things, and she made me feel like my anger was the downfall of our relationship, and that I was emotionally abusive to her every single day. The only thing I can think of that maybe pushed her is I started getting tired of things and I was threatening to leave her. I don't know if she thought I was becoming stronger and actually possibly going to leave or what. I was completely shocked by all of this, and I never saw it coming because like you said, I really thought things were doing a lot better than they ever have.

I can tell she is unhappy, and when she came back to see me all those times, it was very hard on me every time she came and then left again. I know there is more going on between her and this other guy, and I think it bothers me even more that she is lying to me about it. She also tried to come between me and my parents. She would always try to cause problems within my family, saying she said this, or he said that, she just tried to make drama, when all of the things she said were not true. She also even told my parents that I never wanted to go out or do anything. When I found out about this, I was really baffled, because, I had always tried to make plans with her, and she never ended up wanting to do anything.

I know I can get through this, its going to be tough, but I can do it.

[xandrew245x]

Yeah, she still is saying I was abusive, both physically and emotionally and that is why she can't continue our relationship. But then she turns around and says its both our fault. I can't believe that when she won't even admit anything she did was wrong. She really believed staying at that guys house, in his bed while being married to me was completely fine of her.

It would really frustrate me that she wouldn't do anything, but as soon as a friend asked her to do something, she would ready to go, and I wasn't invited. Here are a couple of examples which especially made me upset. We had made plans to go swimming at her moms, well we went up and I waited and waited, we still hadn't swam, then we were getting ready to, and her friend texted her and asked her to go to the drive ins. She asked me if she could go, and I said well we had plans, but I guess, could I maybe come along. She told me no I wasn't allowed to and left.


Another time was after she told me she wanted a divorce, now we were still sleeping in the same bed together, and everything seemed fine. I made plans with her to go out to eat at a nice restaurant. Closer to the end of the day I asked her if we were still going, she said well I don't feel so well, I don't think so. I said okay, I will make us a nice dinner and we can watch a movie. She agreed. She got upset about something later that day and got into an argument, I was upset with the whole divorce thing so I told her she needed to get out of my life if she really was leaving. The fight ended and it just returned to normal. Well I told her right before I was going to leave work that I would see her at home I was going to start dinner, she says to me "Oh I am not eating with you, my friend invited me to his birthday party and I am going, I figured since you told me that earlier that you didn't want to have dinner anymore. I said well I do, and I will make it for you. she says "well no, its to late now I have other plans, left straight from work, didn't' come up until very late, I didn't even see her. This was unbelievable hurtful to me, I didn't understand how someone who says they loved me could do something like that.

She always made me feel guilty about everything, and I know once this divorce is finalized and she is moved out of my life, she is going to start contacting me and trying to come back. I know she won't ever be happy, unless she seeks help.

[willtimeheal]

It always surprised me that someone who said I was  the love of their life and soul mate could just up and leave and shack up with someone new in less than a month. What shocks me is that she is telling me she  is not happy and doesn't want this guy. She wants me. She loves me. Then what is the problem?  Tell the poor dude the truth. He deserves to know that the feelings he has for her are not returned. He deserves to be able to find someone who loves him. But BPDs don't think like that. They don't want to be alone. So she will string him along an  then crush him. And she will crush me too if I allow her too. So be careful when she contacts you. Protect yourself. BPDs look out for themselves and  their own needs. It is good you are  getting help. That was the best thing is did for myself. Keep posting and take it day by day.

[xandrew245x]

Yeah, I know she doesn't love this guy that she is with now, and I know he has strong feeling for her. He is going to get crushed by her, and I feel really bad for him. I will not ever let her back in my life.

[Octoberfest]

Letting go... . what an elusive concept... .


To know that she could never give you what you so desperately wanted

To know that continuing to talk to her isn't going to make anything better

To know that you can't go back in time and undo all that happened, everything that means you can never go back to her

To feel so empty inside, so aimless, so worthless



Yeah... . It's funny, in my posts about a month ago people were telling me "oh good job, you are so far along the process, your advice is so great"... . And I am back at square one.

[Want2know]

Yeah... . It's funny, in my posts about a month ago people were telling me "oh good job, you are so far along the process, your advice is so great"... . And I am back at square one.

The process of fully detaching and grieving ebbs and flows.  It's not a straight line to fully being 'over' our ex's.  There are some moments where you may think 'if I had just done this, it might have been different'.  This is debatable.  Some things may change, but what will not change is that she has a disorder that will be there her whole life.  Therapy can help, however most pwBPD do not pursue this.

I see the folks on the Staying board struggling daily.  They are really trying to make it work.  It's really difficult to watch because you want to say 'why are you even trying?'.  I have a lot of respect for their efforts.  Most of those trying to stay in the r/s are giving up a lot of what they need and desire to remain in their r/s - many because they have children together and feel it is the right thing to do.

Yeah, I know she doesn't love this guy that she is with now, and I know he has strong feeling for her. He is going to get crushed by her, and I feel really bad for him. I will not ever let her back in my life.

It's good you can see this now.  Stick with that thought, as it is a powerful one.  Sometimes seeing your r/s from an outside perspective can help you remain objective.  That is going to be the key to you detaching from her - remaining as objective as you can, assessing your emotions with a wise mind.  Have you read the Wise Mind workshop?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[bpdspell]

Letting go is always the toughest part because it encompasses the knowing that we deserve better.  We tend to hold on to them when we inherently believe that we deserve the ___ treatment they give us. We think that playing nice with them will model to them how they should treat us. We believe we deserve to be not valued and disrespected and usually this belief stems from our own childhood issues.

When our worth and esteem is at rock bottom it's difficult to believe that with self-investment and the currency of time that it can increase. But we can grow into loving ourselves enough to know that they will never be the answer to our happiness. We are the answer to our own happiness.

In the name of BPD love my ex cheated on me several times. I even found a woman in his bed and it nearly ripped my guts out. He manipulated money out of me. My ex abandoned me when I became pregnant. My ex lied to others about being physically abusive with me. My ex felt entitled to emotionally abuse me. He blamed me for all of his actions. And you know what? I took him back and accepted all of the blame because I didn't believe I deserved any better. I felt worthless and deserving of his twisted reality. Even when my gut was kicking and screaming to remove myself from this man.

But in my mind things were going well because the sex was good and I didn't believe I deserved better. In my codependence I thought that if I tried harder to fix, mend, act different, repair, or shrink myself that he'd see my worth and that I'd finally be loved to wholeness. I was very ignorant of my own condition.

Most of our BPD's treat us like crap because they know our self esteem is in the gutter. They know they can manipulate us and triangulate us and seduce us because we have shown them our hearts and our vulnerabilities and they use this against us.

When we go NC we are giving ourselves permission to be strong for ourselves and not waiting for them increase or boost our self-worth. This power or magic wand that we think they have is a mirage, a delusion, a lie we tell ourselves because we don't want to look in our own mirrors and do the hard work of loving ourselves back to wholeness.

You let go because they have violated us and are prone to violate. You let go because they cannot be trusted. They are emotionally sick in the head and heart. They are deeply character flawed. They learned how to survive by abusing others. We did not make them that way. We cannot accept responsibility for their lies and twisted pretzel logic.

You let go when you believe in your heart and soul that you deserve better.

Spell

[ScotisGone74]

I agree fully with Want2Know, the whole process of detachment for us Non's is not something you could easily put upon a graph and show how it goes on a linear line, rather it is more like a two steps forward, one step back

process, it was for me anyway.   I think that most of us had real love we gave these people and we didn't want to give up on someone we loved.  I geuss the other issue is during the entire relationship with my exBPD she was constantly letting me know how lucky I was, how many others would love to have her, and well you get the idea, the manipulation was non stop.  I geuss one of the most hurtful things is that I've witnessed that BPD's do is to use their knowledge of us to their advantage, to make us feel guilty, to make us feel bad for them, things that we confided or shared with them is one of their primary weapons against us. 

8 months now NC and I'm just now to a healthy point I believe, I'm really glad to be away from the crazy making, manipulation, and lies.  Life is soo much more simple, and less nerve wracking without it. 

[xandrew245x]

I am really having a hard time at this, a month has passed and I only feel worse. I had to remove her as a friend from facebook today because she posted a thing that said "be with a man who" and it was a list of good qualities in a guy. She was basically rubbing in my face that she is with a guy who "treats her right". When I saw it I lost control and became extremely angry.

I am not a strong person, I had always had very low self esteem, and she knew it, and I think that is why she picked me as a target. I gave this girl all my heart, I loved her more than anything, and I would have layed my life down for her any day and I still would now. I want to make it work, but I know at this point our relationship would just be a constant battle of yelling at each other, putting each other down, and physical fights. Not something I really want to put myself through, but I love her.

I feel like I have hit an all time low, never have I in my life ever felt this way. I never did anything to deserve something like this. I love her family, her little sister was like a sister to me, our families got a long, and we all lived within 5 minutes of each other and grew up around here, it was such a perfect background for a relationship. This is so hard.

Tuesday I am breaking off contact for good, the only way counseling is going to help is if I stop talking to her as well.

[Sparky2Blame?]

We feel your pain Andrew.  I think that most all of us have been there and can empathize.

Unfortuantely theres no magic advice that will make the hurt go away. Nor any that will make the letting go any easier.  It will be a challange.  Just be patient with yourself.  Accept the all the random feelings that you go through.  Greive as you need.  Eventually it starts to get easier.

Focus on yourself and take care of you right now.  Keep preoccupied with other things.  Eat healthy.  Force yourself out of the house (especially when lacking the motivation).  Try to get sleep.  Exercise.  Sun (vitamin D). Friends & Family.  Browse the posts, here.  Share as you need.

And I think that getting counseling set-up was a great step!

There is a lot to learn and go through during the grieving and detachment phases which you can read about in the Lessons on this board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0).  It's rough... . we've all been there (and some still there). 

I want to share with you something that a friend sent me yesterday since the title of your thread reminded me of it:

Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

   it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

   it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

   it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

   it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

   but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

   but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

   but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

   but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

   it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

   but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

   but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

   but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

I really like that... .   Thanks for sharing!  Going to make a poster out of it and hang it up where I can see it everyday.

[Jep]

Lots of great stuff posted here. I really relate to the ebb and flow of detaching. I feel the pain comes in waves. Sometimes just lapping at your feet, but then a storm will brew. Waves will crash in, smash me to the bottom, and let me come up just for a quick breath of air.

I'm only two weeks out of a 9 year r/s. It is VERY hard.

The quote from want2know is awesome. It made me feel better today.

[xandrew245x]

I know what you mean it comes in waves. There is times I feel completely fine, I am happy being out of this relationship, then the next second it hits me, and it hits me hard. Since that happened yesterday, I haven't been able to get rid of this bad feeling.

I have thought back to this, I started thinking maybe I am the person that has the problem and she was just living in my hell. The more I think about it, not only did she have an impact on me, she had an impact on or dog. I remember every time we fought, he would come cower in fear behind me, and I would even say to her look how bad you scare him. But I was always the one that was so bad by what she said. Also, we had to start putting him in a crate while we were gone, he would rip stuff up.

Ever since she moved out, I haven't had him in crate one single day, and he hasn't touched anything.

[lrngfrommistakes]

I have been through the pain too, Andrew. It IS terrible, but you will get through this. 

[xandrew245x]

I don't know, I just feel like maybe I am the one who has a problem, and that I turned her into the person she was. I don't ever remember being like this before. I mean I have always had an anxiety problem, but I was in a 2 year relationship prior to her, I was still very immature then, but the whole time I was with her, I don't think me and her ever really had a fight other than the stupid highschool drama stuff. I don't ever recall having angry feelings and feeling so bad about myself like I did when I was with her.

From what I recall my relationship prior to her was good, we were both happy, but it ended because of some unfortunate events that neither of us could control. Like I said through that whole relationship I never felt so much anger or pain in my life like I did in my last relationship. I often think that maybe it was me who had the problem, but none of these things happened until she came into my life.

They are indeed very good at blaming you and making you feel bad about yourself and like it was your fault. I can't remember telling her on multiple occasions that she had changed, that the way she was acting was not the real her, and that the way she was acting was not the person I fell in love with. I can remember first saying that about 8 or 9 months into our relationship. I had said it multiple times throughout our relationship as well, and her answer was always, "well you made me this way, this is what you wanted, I can't change back". I always wondered to myself how on earth did I ever make her that way. All I ever had done was supported her, been by her side through everything, gave her all my love, but I changed her into the person I no longer liked?

I have always though some animals can sense things people can not. I know almost every time we would get into a fight he would run and hide, he would usually try to hide under me, which baffled me, because in my eyes I thought I was being just as mean and hurtful back, I didn't understand why he would come to me for safety. I often would tell her how she was scaring him, and she would just say "well he is just a big baby" so once again, she was blaming it on something else.

Yes, this is very terrible pain, I think it hurts the most, because in my eyes, a normal person would fight to try to save the marriage vs. try harder to purposely destroy and end what shattered pieces were left of it. Now I think back and wonder if the only reason she was in a relationship with me is because I was a week person and she knew it from the start. I feel like I have been used for the past 3 years, and put through hell and back multiple times. I am no angle, I have certainly done things wrong, but if I would have knew about this disease a long time ago, I would have defiantly approached it with a different angle.

I have been talking to her some, I have been getting a lot more out of her than I ever have the whole time we were together.

She really hates herself, she thinks she is an awful person. I think until she was about 8, her father was in her life, after her sister was born 8 years after her, her father left her life. He met another women, and when she was around 10 or 11, she started going there every other weekend. By what she has told me, her stepmother abused her very badly, and she never told anybody about it. She hates herself for not telling anybody and she is mad at herself for it.

[willtimeheal]

Andrew

You did not make her into the person she is. Her childhood and upbringing and her self hate shaped her long before you ever met her. She is a three year old trapped in an adult body when it comes to emotions. I struggle with what could I have done everyday. I question whether it was me with my depression that pushed my BPD. People with BPD don't think logically. They don't think like us. They distort reality to fit their version which is a fantasy. They are  looking for someone to come in a swoop all the pain and suffering away. Life doesn't work like that. Normal people understand that. BPDs think there is some magical potion that brings happiness and when you don't supply it they paint you black and leave. If you are talking to her be careful. It is easy to get sucked back in. I want nothing more than my bod back so I understand but each time they recycle you the pain is more difficult to get thru.

[xandrew245x]

As much as I want her back, I know I couldn't do it, and I have my family behind me to support and be my rock on that decisions. What I do want is her to get better. I know she feels this guy has come to rescue her from her pain, she said she felt the same way when me and her started dating each other. I am trying to be here for her and support her, I want her to feel comfortable with me and see me as a friend, and be able to talk to me about things. I know deep down I am a strong person, I am the kind of person who doesn't just give up on something easily, and I wouldn't take the easy way out of a situation.

She always told me I was clingy, and needy and not independent enough and she just couldn't deal with that kind of person. When I dated my previous girlfriend, I don't ever remember being clingy, I mean we didn't see each other all that much, and we only talked in the evenings until she got a cell phone and then we texted through the day, but I was never super clingy to her. I was pretty clingy to my ex because she led me on to believe that what she wanted, because she was just as attached to me.

I completely agree with the three year old trapped in an adult body, she couldn't even take care of herself properly. Like I said I did all the cleaning, most of the cooking and all the laundry. If she did cook, she would leave a giant mess. Her personal hygiene was awful, sometimes not showering for days. Instead of looking through the laundry basket for clean clothe, she would keep a pile of dirty clothes and just change clothes throughout the week from that pile. She would go on spending sprees and she would binge eat like crazy at times. One time I thought she was pregnant because her appetite exploded.

I did everything I could to make her happy, I know I was angry and I know I lashed out and put her down too, but I still tried whatever I could to make her happy. I did get to the point that I realized nothing I would do would make her happy. Now I really understand it is almost impossible for them to be happy.

[xandrew245x]

So I went ahead and took the right step forward. I blocked her from facebook, I told her that I am going going to be talking to her, and for her to not talk to me. If she needs to contact me, her mom has my number and she can talk to me through her. I am starting counseling tomorrow.

[lrngfrommistakes]

Andrew,

I agree with Willtimeheal. Be very careful communicating with her. I think that you are just setting yourself up for more pain, and that will lengthen your healing time. I think she needs to change and fix herself before she will be ready to be in a healthy relationship. Until she does, she will just keep hurting you or others.

I know it is painful but it does get better as long as you DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOURSELF! I wish I could tell you what that is, but only you can try to think it through with a clear mind (and input from trusted support) and make that decision.

I have been through two of these relationships. Here is a little story from my last one: After my ex dumped me for someone else without even telling me, I was in so much pain that all I could do was ask myself what I did wrong. I would also wonder how she could love me so much one day and dump me the next. I asked her why she would start dating someone without telling me and she said it was "AWKWARD". That caused me to wonder and suffer even more. I decided for own sanity I had to begin NC.

After about 6 months, her new relationship soured and she called. I was so happy! We started dating again. She even asked me to marry her and I accepted. Later she got angry and would not answer or return calls. This went on for two months. When I did get in touch with her, I asked her if she wanted to get together to talk about whatever I had done to make her angry. She said "I can't. I am dating someone. I have moved on and you should too." They got married 6 months later. (and this was someone she had just met). If I had not got sucked back into that relationship, my pain would have been over much sooner and I could have moved on sooner.

I am still getting over her, but this site has helped me recognize that much of it was her issue, not mine. At least the guilt of thinking I had destroyed the relationship is gone and I understand her actions a little better now. I am not saying I was perfect either. I did make some mistakes, but I am trying to learn positive lessons from my mistakes to make me a better person. I can not help her, only she can do that. All I can do is try to make myself better.

I guess the moral of my story is to be very careful before deciding to get back with a BPD. It could happen, and you may regret it later.

Do I still love my ex BPD? Yes, unfortunately! Do I expect to hear from her again sometime? Yes. I don't think her marriage will work out. Do I want her back? No (Maybe if she were to get help), but I am not going to wait around for her. If that happens, it will be her loss more than mine!

[lrngfrommistakes]

I posted my last post before I saw your last post. Good for you! I think you are on the right path.

[xandrew245x]

I am moving on from this mess. I still can't help but feel that I  had a lot to do with her leaving, its tearing me apart, and also knowing that she had another guy lined up before she even left me. I too am very confused on how just the days leading up to this, we were cooking dinner together and living what seemed a normal life. We seemed good. Then I had the shock of my life. I am glad that she did it, instead of seeing this guy more behind my back.

I can almost put a guarantee on it that her relationship with this guy will not last, I don't know how long it will take, but it will eventually end. When things go south between them, if she doesn't have another guy already, I know she will try to contact me. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to push this guy into marrying her.

I am going to do whatever I can to not get sucked back into this relationship, I know it was toxic, I know it has put a huge dent on who I am, I realized how much I changed throughout me and her's relationship. Some of the change was for the good, but a lot of it was for the bad. I really enjoyed playing online video games with my friends, she never liked that I played as often as I did, so I eventually ended up quitting that all together. I never really went out with my friends, she always wanted to sit at home, so I hated to go out without her because she made me feel bad that she was getting left all alone. I did decide to go on a road trip with my friend for a couple of days, and it was great. But other than that, I never really got to see my friends unless they were over at the house with me. Since me and her have been apart, I have done more with my friends then I have the last year me and her were together.  She made my anxiety worse, she made me depressed, she made me believe I had a problem, she made a very angry person come out of me. A person I never want to be, ever.

I think in the future, I could take her back, but it would only be after she received help and was improving and actually wanted to commit to me, and only me. Then maybe I could consider being with her. But like you said, I am not going to wait around for it to happen. I am slowly starting to see how most of the problems between me and her, and with myself started because of her. Shortly after her wanting to divorce she actually had me convinced that I had separation anxiety and anger issues. It wasn't until someone pointed out to me, just from the story I had told them that it sounded like she had BPD, the more I researched and the more I observed her, the more obvious it became that she indeed did have it, and that maybe I really wasn't the one that has problems.

[xandrew245x]

Well, it happened already, that was quick. I had been texting her a lot the last couple of days because I couldn't control myself. I told her around 1 Pm today that she was not to talk to me, she said ok. Here it is 3pm and she already has texted me saying "Andrew I want you to know I care about you and I appreciate that you are trying to help me"

Now just earlier today and yesterday she was mad and upset that I was trying to help her, so tired of these flips!

[Octoberfest]

Andrew

You did not make her into the person she is. Her childhood and upbringing and her self hate shaped her long before you ever met her. She is a three year old trapped in an adult body when it comes to emotions. I struggle with what could I have done everyday. I question whether it was me with my depression that pushed my BPD. People with BPD don't think logically. They don't think like us. They distort reality to fit their version which is a fantasy. They are  looking for someone to come in a swoop all the pain and suffering away. Life doesn't work like that. Normal people understand that. BPDs think there is some magical potion that brings happiness and when you don't supply it they paint you black and leave. If you are talking to her be careful. It is easy to get sucked back in. I want nothing more than my bod back so I understand but each time they recycle you the pain is more difficult to get thru.

Quoted for truth... .

One of the hardest things for me has been accepting that things are what they are.  That the damage- the damage that prevented us from having a successful relationship, the damage that has left her so emotionally fragile, underdeveloped, and incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship- all occurred long before I ever met her.  That I CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING AND MAKE IT WORK... . That has been the hardest pill to swallow.  The helplessness of the situation kills me.  It has always seemed to me throughout life that there is always something that can be done to fix something... . and knowing that events LONG ago affect her abilities to find happiness now kills me.  Just the injustice of it.  She didn't ask for it.

It kills me how clearly I can see her thought processes and how clearly they are flawed. I wish I could just make her see her actions and motives for what they are, and how broken and unhealthy they are.  I wish... .


That isn't part of letting go however.

[xandrew245x]

I know exactly what you mean. It sickens me to know her stepmother abused her, she told me in detail about the things she would do, and it is just horrifying that someone could do that to a kid. It makes me so angry because of the effect it has on her as an adult now. I think after what happened tuesday she may have opened her eyes, or the text message she sent me could just be another try to manipulate me. I don't know.

It kills me that I can't do anything about it. It all makes sense now, the senseless fits of rage she would go into over what seemed like such a meaningless problem. I can remember not to long ago she went into a fit of rage when she was making me eggs, she said she was making me an omlet, but she was making scrambled eggs. I kinda chuckled because I thought it was cute and I said "No you are making scrambled eggs" big mistake on my part, she went off on me over that. It hurts that I have no control over the situation, I have always been one who likes to be in control of my life and the situation, I really have taken a back seat, she has been in control over me for the past 3 years. It is just hard to sit back and know what is going on with her and not be able to do anything about it. I think she is serious about seeking further help, but they are just words, her actions will verify once she comes home.

Its kills me that I hadn't seen this before, maybe something could have been done then, or maybe it would have made things worse if I tried to push this on her while we were together. Once again I think back, and I start to wonder if maybe it was me causing the problems, maybe I have something severely wrong with me, or was it her actions that caused me to be like this? I know when I was single I never had a problem with anger, I was generally a happy person other than kind of wanting to have more friends. When she came into my life, I felt happier than I ever felt before, the sex came quick, and it was very very good for the first couple of months, and I think that is what bonded me so closely to her. Then She fell into a dark pit of depression, and things just went majorly downhill from that point on. I asked her when did it all start with me being mean to you. She said it started a little after we moved in together. I don't remember being all that mean to her, but I can remember things she did to me taht really hurt the fragile person I was.

[willtimeheal]

Andrew

There is nothing you could have done to help her. She has to want to seek treatment on her own. My ex BPD started treatment twice and went for a month or two before quitting both times. When I first met her I was fun and out going. I laughed a lot and was happy. When we started dating it was such a high and then slowly she isolated me from my friends and family. When I look back now and realize she doesn't have any friends except her family. Those are the only people she hangs out with and they are all.alcoholics.   She would get extremely jealous and angry if I did anything with my friends. She would accuse me of going out to pick up men. I just wanted to see my friends and have dinner. I became a very depressed and sad person during the course of our relationship and it made me angry. I went from this happy person to a person I didn't recognize. Everything circled around her mood and not upsetting her. My needs and wants were no longer even considered. But then she would complain that I was selfish and I was  like what?  As much as you want to help her you can't. You will end up just being hurt more. My bPD lined up another guy and left me. She went to visit friends and stayed with this guy instead. Lied to me the whole time. I thought she was  with her other friend. But when insane  her about it it was no big deal and I was  over reacting. Be careful. You can't help her. As much as you want to you can't. She will.suck you back in.

[Want2know]

Be careful. You can't help her. As much as you want to you can't. She will.suck you back in.

There is something about feeling like our ex's have all the power, and we are powerless that rings true with your comment.  You 'feel' like you could easily (or do) get sucked back into 'the dance'.  This is why I posted the thoughts in reply #1 about letting go - it is well within our power to not let this happen.

What I had to be honest with, when I was feeling the same way, is why was it I felt that my ex had that power over me?  What it came down to is I wanted back in the relationship.  I wanted to see if it could work under different circumstances.  I didn't want to let him go - wasn't ready, and when I took him back after our initial break up, nothing changed.  I finally realized that nothing would change, and all I could do was work on getting myself back without him.

It's a process... . I know.  Just be honest with how you feel and you can get through it with a little help from your friends here.  

[xandrew245x]

I honestly feel a lot better today, I decided to do no contact, I haven't talked to her since noon, and she has texted me twice already after I told her not to talk to me. She really didn't have friends either. Most of the time she would just sit at home, or go to the store or go hang out with her mother. That is really what her life was. Like I said when we were at college, she became good friends with a friend she had in highschool, that didn't last long. When we came back home, she reconnected with her old friend, before our wedding that friendship was once again lost. Her friend was supposed to be her maid of honor, and a month before the wedding she texted her and told her she couldn't afford to be in the wedding. So that cut off the friendship there. After some time passed, and a little motivation from me she started talking to her again, but didn't do much with her. Then again just recently she acquired a whole bunch of new friends including that same girl. I don't look for her friendships to last and her new relationship. When we came home, she became really close to my mom, and then suddenly one day, she just stopped going places with her.

She also manipulated me and made me feel guilty about seeing my friends and family. She would want me to go along with her to her moms and when I didn't want to go because I was so tired, or stressed, she would pull the whole card "well we see your family all the time, you never want to see mine, my mom even thinks you don't like her" It really upset me when she did that, I really liked her parents, a lot, but I didn't want to see them all the time. I hadn't just gone out with my friends, I do believe since I started dating her, other than when I went on a road trip with her. Every time I did something with my friends, I ALWAYS invited her, I wanted her to feel like she was wanted, because I really did want to hang out with her.  There wasn't one time, other than a few weeks after we started dating, that she invited me out with her friends. The only time I met her "best friend" was about a month after me and her started dating, we all went out to dinner together, but after that, I never saw her again.

I know nothing is going to change, and I am going to keep it that way, this is her battle, not mine anymore. I did everything I could, I was strong in our relationship, always hanging in there through all the tough times, and let me tell you one thing, there were a lot of tough times. I do believe it was well over a year where she didn't want to have sex at all, a lot of guys wouldn't deal with that.

Willtimeheal, I know exactly how you feel, it was always about her, she had to be happy, but she never once asked me how I felt, which really upset me. All I ever wanted from her was her to just ask me how I was doing, or if somethign was bothering me. I mean it was obvious when things were bothering me, and she would just say, well your being pissy, or you are being a dick. Those kind of thigns really pissed me off.

[pallavirajsinghani]

"Moving on" is a state of mind.  It is a process.  It does not happen overnight. 

It happens when you have superimposed enough normal, happy, comfortable layers of living to counter balance the negativity of the past experience.

And this process will take time and effort. Glad that you are getting counseling.

:-)