Relating As an Adult to The "Good" Sibling

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have come to understand that a deep undercurrent of my relationship with my brother was that he heard, as I did, over years and years of living with an uBPD mother that he was the "good" son, the only who cared about her, the best one, and that I was the black sheep of the family.  I know I got tagged with the troublemaker, bad guy part of the BPD splitting, and my brother got tagged with the hero, good one.  And, of course, my mother directly said those things in my "home" growing up.

I have some contact with my brother still and his family. I really do love his kids.  I think I'm supposed to say that he is a good person who has tried to be there for me to the best of his ability.  The truth is I typically feel worse in his presence. And I'm sad that a truly intimate and loving relationship does not seem possible. And I so long for a brother who is not emotionally abandoning  who cares about me and loves me, really wants the best for me, with whom we each have each other's back, who is not trying to act out some kind of hierarchical position above me.   He has no perspective on what went on in our childhoods.  We can't talk about this stuff because has no memory of it and thinks that my mother was a good mother.  And I feel he still plays the card that he's the good to my bad, the better one.  I have tried to minimize my exposure to him and his family over the years, although I would love to have a relationship with his children.  I often feel worse when I'm around him, and sometimes we argue as we did just recently.  He's the one who ended up with the family, the big home, the kids, the big career. And I resent that his being set up to feel entitled helped him achieve those things, and that I ended up feeling like I was supposed to not have good things in my life. As the one my uBPD splitting mother portrayed as "good," I feel that he is supposed to succeed and prosper, but since I was portrayed as "bad," I still feel as though I'm supposed to be alone, unloved, punished and unsuccessful.  My feelings are changing more and more, and I do feel more and more awareness which helps. I know that my brother is not happy.  When we're together, it seems one of the ways he compensates for that is to play the I'm above you card.  That's how it feels.  And I know that I have anger towards him for his not seeing what went on and still reinforcing my splitting uBPD mother's role for me, still trying to put me in the less than position. And when I'm with him, I default back into that role. And, of course, he doesn't see the origins of it, nor does he see my mother's disease and how we were set up to continue this stuff well into our adulthoods.

I want to be free of a kind of hatred that I've had of him and resentment. He must sense that resentment, too, which is not fair to him. I want the I'm Cain to his Abel feeling from the setup that came from my uBPD mother to stop. I want to feel free to thrive and prosper, something that I know he doesn't truly wish for me. My splitting uBPD mother would taunt me with:  you're just jealous of your brother. That would be after she would say that my brother was the only one that she loved. And I want to be free to develop real bonds of friendship and connection with friends. I want the closeness and connection of a brother, without expecting it from my blood brother. I often bring to relationships with my friends something of the distance that I felt with my brother, feeling as though their success is my failure or suspicion that they really don't want the best for me. Or some sense that we are in competition with each other.  How close and loving can you be if you feel as though there is this competition with your closest friends. I ended up with this feeling that I felt in my family of origin, that it's every man for himself, which is what I feel with my brother. And that makes me feel so alone in the world. And that is often just the baggage of how I was taught to relate to my brother. It makes me sad, another casualty of the BPD family, that my brother and I were in such competition with each other that I feel that my brother can't even wish me true fulfillment and success, and perhaps I can't do that for him, that he is undermining because he is afraid on some level that I will usurp his position in the family, because he was given a hierarchical position above me in the family, and that we are both locked into playing out a very sick mother's roles for us to play. And around him, I feel reinforcement of that terrible role that my uBPD mother projected on me.  So, spending time with my brother can feel like spending time with my mother.  We are both still acting out roles that were planted in our heads when we were children, that were projected onto us by an uBPD mother and I still feel resentment that he got the good role.  I want to be free of all of that. Don't want to be doing this anymore. It's unhealthy.  It feels horrible. Life is too short.  Anyone have a similar experience or insight?

Calsun

[Calsun]

I have come to understand that a deep undercurrent of my relationship with my brother was that he heard, as I did, over years and years of living with an uBPD mother that he was the "good" son, the only who cared about her, the best one, and that I was the black sheep of the family.  I know I got tagged with the troublemaker, bad guy part of the BPD splitting, and my brother got tagged with the hero, good one.  And, of course, my mother directly said those things in my "home" growing up.

I have some contact with my brother still and his family. I really do love his kids.  I think I'm supposed to say that he is a good person who has tried to be there for me to the best of his ability.  The truth is I typically feel worse in his presence. And I'm sad that a truly intimate and loving relationship does not seem possible. And I so long for a brother who is not emotionally abandoning  who cares about me and loves me, really wants the best for me, with whom we each have each other's back, who is not trying to act out some kind of hierarchical position above me.   He has no perspective on what went on in our childhoods.  We can't talk about this stuff because has no memory of it and thinks that my mother was a good mother.  And I feel he still plays the card that he's the good to my bad, the better one.  I have tried to minimize my exposure to him and his family over the years, although I would love to have a relationship with his children.  I often feel worse when I'm around him, and sometimes we argue as we did just recently.  He's the one who ended up with the family, the big home, the kids, the big career. And I resent that his being set up to feel entitled helped him achieve those things, and that I ended up feeling like I was supposed to not have good things in my life. As the one my uBPD splitting mother portrayed as "good," I feel that he is supposed to succeed and prosper, but since I was portrayed as "bad," I still feel as though I'm supposed to be alone, unloved, punished and unsuccessful.  My feelings are changing more and more, and I do feel more and more awareness which helps. I know that my brother is not happy.  When we're together, it seems one of the ways he compensates for that is to play the I'm above you card.  That's how it feels.  And I know that I have anger towards him for his not seeing what went on and still reinforcing my splitting uBPD mother's role for me, still trying to put me in the less than position. And when I'm with him, I default back into that role. And, of course, he doesn't see the origins of it, nor does he see my mother's disease and how we were set up to continue this stuff well into our adulthoods.

I want to be free of a kind of hatred that I've had of him and resentment. He must sense that resentment, too, which is not fair to him. I want the I'm Cain to his Abel feeling from the setup that came from my uBPD mother to stop. I want to feel free to thrive and prosper, something that I know he doesn't truly wish for me. My splitting uBPD mother would taunt me with:  you're just jealous of your brother. That would be after she would say that my brother was the only one that she loved. And I want to be free to develop real bonds of friendship and connection with friends. I want the closeness and connection of a brother, without expecting it from my blood brother. I often bring to relationships with my friends something of the distance that I felt with my brother, feeling as though their success is my failure or suspicion that they really don't want the best for me. Or some sense that we are in competition with each other.  How close and loving can you be if you feel as though there is this competition with your closest friends. I ended up with this feeling that I felt in my family of origin, that it's every man for himself, which is what I feel with my brother. And that makes me feel so alone in the world. And that is often just the baggage of how I was taught to relate to my brother. It makes me sad, another casualty of the BPD family, that my brother and I were in such competition with each other that I feel that my brother can't even wish me true fulfillment and success, and perhaps I can't do that for him, that he is undermining because he is afraid on some level that I will usurp his position in the family, because he was given a hierarchical position above me in the family, and that we are both locked into playing out a very sick mother's roles for us to play. And around him, I feel reinforcement of that terrible role that my uBPD mother projected on me.  So, spending time with my brother can feel like spending time with my mother.  We are both still acting out roles that were planted in our heads when we were children, that were projected onto us by an uBPD mother and I still feel resentment that he got the good role.  I want to be free of all of that. Don't want to be doing this anymore. It's unhealthy.  It feels horrible. Life is too short.  Anyone have a similar experience or insight?

Calsun

[musicfan42]

Yeah I can relate.

I had anger issues so I had to go and deal with them. That was really the 1st thing that I did that helped-it was really my foundation for recovery really. I found Al-Anon, a 12 step group and DBT helpful. I still use DBT as I have low self-esteem and it's really helpful for that. Based on what you've written, I would say that you have low self-esteem too... . that you want the big house, career, kids etc that your brother has but don't feel that you deserve it. There is a book called Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell that is really helpful too.

You can definitely turn a negative into a positive here-it is horrible being painted as the bad guy but you can rise above it. You're an adult now so you don't have to be bound to the horrible messages you were given as a child. DBT talks about "radical acceptance" and "willingness"-of accepting your past as it was and being willing to make the most of your life now. I find DBT really helpful as it's very non-judgmental... . it takes your feelings into consideration but it also pushes you towards change. There's a section in DBT on "Building Mastery"-on goal setting and on "Building Structure" in work, time, place and love. The Building Structure bit means that you stick to the same job/career path and try to progress in that one career instead of changing careers or changing jobs. It also means that you have good time management-be punctual, organised etc. It means staying in the same place for a while as opposed to moving around all the time. And it means having stable relationships as opposed to just one night stands/flings etc. There's also a bit on building pleasurable activities into your daily life by doing nice things for yourself like having a bath, taking a walk, doing some hobbies.  DBT is not rocket science-it all seems obvious but it's like "am I actually putting it into practice?" It just sort of reinforces a lot of what you know. I think that the interpersonal effectiveness section could really help you deal with your brother and friends by the way. Here's a DBT skills workbook if you want to have a look at it: www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf

[Up In the Air]

My husband's childhood sounds A LOT like yours, as he too was the 'bad' child. He still struggles to have a decent relationship with his younger sister (the golden child). Every time we see her, even if their uBPD mother is not there, the competition begins: who married the more capable spouse, who has the better job, and in the end it boils down to who can get what they want from their parents: she 'wins' every time, my husband being the one left out.

It does not help that his parents still support this competition through their actions and words and it's taken my husband a long time to get himself into a better 'place' emotionally to 'fight' back. Essentially, he stopped talking to them. The games and manipulation from his parents got to be too much and when he looked for support from his sister, who does admit that their mother has problems, still sided with his parents and we assume it's for one reason: money, as his parents are loaded and she gets what she wants every time she asks. She knows where her bread is buttered.

This breaks his heart, because like you, he (and I) would love to have a relationship with their young daughter. He'd love to have a family member, similar to a sibling who saw the 'crazy' and would be willing to support his healing. Unfortunately that's not the case and it's another wound that will need a great deal of healing and time. But he's got his friends, my family loves him and supports him, and of course, so do I.

He hasn't had self-esteem issues, but he has had the continual wheel of 'not good enough' come rolling around every time he accomplishes something new, questioning if he realistically deserves it. As he's moved from one emotion to another, he's still working out the kinks, but he's getting better at recognizing what he deserves and what he's capable of and that he has a right to be 'good' and observing that the world around him doesn't look at him like his parents do.

You seem to be so completely aware of every aspect of how you've been wounded and the splitting that has occurred and I think having that clarity will be so helpful to your healing. My suggestion would be if you haven't already, to seek out a good therapist who both understands and has had experience with patients with BPD or their family members. I personally found it to be so helpful to have someone who understands the family dynamic of a BPD, the effects on their children, and how to pull out of it in a healthy way. This really helped me when I married my husband and was thrown into the hurricane that my MIL is.

Also, musicfan42 had incredible advice. Perhaps it'd be helpful for you to picture what a happy you looked like full of self-esteem and other characteristics you wish to work on or develop and every day feel yourself being that person, seeing yourself as that person... . kind of like using The Secret (which I would check out if you haven't).

[zone out]

Hi Calsun

I have read quite a few of your posts - you seem to have a very great insight and have shared a lot of words of wisdom.  I am sorry to hear of the situation between you and your brother. This evening I had a very unpleasant phone call from my uBPD mother and was wishing above all else that I wasn't an 'only child', that I had a sibling who would understand what I was going through and we would be able to deal it with together - then I logged on and read your post and I realized that the BPD often tears the family apart and this idealistic notion of mine would probably have been nothing more than a pipe dream.

I wish you well Calsun

Zone out

[ScarletOlive]

Calsun,

I hear the longing in your post for a good relationship with your brother. It pours out of your heart and it's really a beautiful thing.   One of the hardest things for a scapegoat child to recognize is that he's loved, he's worthwhile, he deserves good things. If you're raised to believe you aren't, of course that's what you will believe. It's not fair. 

A good place to start would be recognizing firstly that you deserve good things. Take care of yourself, do fun things, show yourself that you like you! I'm not sure if you've checked out the Suggested Reading for adult children, but it's really helpful.

Then, see how much contact is safe with your brother. Maybe start out slow, depending on how his words affect you. Use SET and DEARMAN if things he says are hurtful and you want him to treat you with respect. Eventually, he may be able to see the dysfunction of the family system (and maybe he won't).

Finally, maybe it would help to recognize that your brother not only isn't "all good" but also didn't have it perfect either. Did your brother suffer from the abuse too? Even if he had everything, there is good for you in that you recognize the dysfunction, and are working on healing. Your brother hasn't found that yet. I know it's hard working past the unfairness of it all. Maybe it would help to remember that your brother didn't choose the good role originally. That anger belongs with your parents. Your brother is still caught in that web, but hopefully he can find his way out of there too.