Need to discuss my feeling after his harsh comments

[Chosen]

Why does uBPDh have to be so mean?

When things go well for me he will throw a bucketful of cold water on me... . anything to dampen the mood.  When I'm excited and enthusiastic about something he will try to make sure whatever that is doesn't happen, and if it will anyway, it seems like he wants to make sure I don't enjoy it.

I told him today that I'm planning to go get a ukulele and learn to play that.  I've been playing musicfor 20 years, and I said I like that the instrument is portable and it's something I can play and sing at the same time.  

Then first he said "I have a guitar, why don't you play that".  He has one but he doesn't really play it.  I don't want to play the guitar because I find it complicated.  Then his next comment was, "Sure that's good preparation for the future.  For a husband and wife to play music, it requires partnership.  Now you can play it alone after we are separated in future."

Bear in mind that we are not separated, we are not thinking of getting separated.  I just get so hurt from these comments I want to cry, but I comfort myself that it's because it's impossible for him to be happy for me so he has to say something like that.  I replied to him that "we can play a duet in future".  I will not further address his comments, but my heart is saddened and I'm crying- just inwardly.  I think it's more sadness than anger.

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[united for now]

Sadness for who?

[daylily]

      I'm sure you're thinking along the same lines, but it sounds like your H is feeling threatened by you having a talent or ability that he doesn't have, or starting an activity that he is not part of.  He's feeling powerless so he's rejecting you before you can reject him for your future ukulele.     My H does that when I participate in something he's not a part of.  He criticizes the activity and me for doing it.

I'm realizing now that I have somewhat of a flat affect around my H for the reasons you've described.  If I feel excited about something, I don't want to show it in front of him because he'll try to bring me down.  If I feel sad about something, I don't want to share it because he'll spin it around and find a way to make it about him.  And the reverse is true too.  I don't feel emotion about things that happen to him either.  It may be because most of his emotions are extreme and to share them would be unreasonable, or it may be that I'm subconsciously not letting myself empathize with him because I'm so angry.

I think it's awesome that you play instruments and sing!  I wish I could do that.  Please don't let him keep you from doing things for yourself!  I know it's hard not to be angry or sad when they make these sorts of comments.  I am not one to give advice on this topic because I let my H's comments bring me down way more than I should.  The "I'm leaving" or "I want a divorce" comments used to hurt me a lot more though; now it's more of a "crying wolf" thing, because he's said them so much and doesn't follow through. That doesn't mean he won't ever follow through, but it's easier not to take them seriously when they're threatened so often with no action.

  Daylily

[Wanda]

Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me,

trust me my  husband can say worse and he can be so mean also, expecially when disregulated. I just don't listen to what he says and sometimes if to bad i walk away.Letting him deal with what he needs to .

[Chosen]

UFN, I just feel sad about the situation.  I try not to wallow in self pity because it's useless and tiring, but I feel bad for myself too.

I already try not to show my emotions too much, but perhaps as daylily said, he feels threatened by me.  I can't help that and I can't give up all the things that I want just tp please him- and we all know they are never pleased.

The thing is, I do try to involve him.  Sometimes I sing and play the piano at home, and I would invite him to join.  He will say he doesn't know those songs, then I will say he can suggest.  Every single time he hides in our room watching YouTube videos instead.  Oh yes, and then he will claim that I never involve him in anything.

He was still irritated last night, I guess I finally took the bait and we did have a bit of an argument.  I guess some damage's already done but later I stopped and I just get on with life, being decent to him like nothing happened.  I didn't get a lot of sleep because he couldn't sleep initially and made lots of noises to keep me awake, but I didn't open my eyes and let him "win".  I didn't engage.  Hopefully it will be better today.

[motherof1yearold]

Sorry to hear this.

My ex uBPDH also always has to 'rain on my parade'. It gets old and frustrating.

I'm sorry you have to go through this right now.

[waverider]

UFN, I just feel sad about the situation. 

Totally understand this. It is frustrating and seems like unnecessary self sabotage. But unfortunately it is just part of life around Border Line Personality Disorder. It will be no easier for him.

Acceptance is hard, even if we know it to be necessary at times.

[Chosen]

It just causes so much frustration to both of us.  When we plan something "fun" (or maybe unplanned), he ends up just going on and on about how he doesn't like certain things I do.  Sometimes it turns into arguments, sometime it turns into me listening to his lectures.