Hi all
one of my PTSD type ruminations is all the very patronising things BPD/NPD ex said to 'improve' me. I suffer from depression and PMS and this got worse during our very stressful and destructive relationship of 3 years.
It may be that came more from his NPD traits but I'd be interested to see if any of it rings a bell with anyone else.
Eg: 'you need to find a new sense of life' (when I was depressed).
'love should make you happy'
'you are terrifying me... . stop this psycho barrage, I have tons of problems already' (when I texted him near the end saying I felt suicidal- not a new thing for me)
Loved that (admittedly marvellous) piece 'This is Water' by David Foster Wallace and claimed this was 'exactly how he had chosen to live himself'. Became angry when I tried to (detachedly) discuss Wallace's life and suicide, as if I were 'undermining the positivity'... .
Lectured me deeply hypocritically about 'moderation' (including in sex), diet and exercise while sitting in bed most days smoking dope and on the computer all day... . he had once spent some time (while living off his previous ex for a year in her student digs in Europe, paid for by her father
) doing yoga and talking to members of some spiritual community or other and thought he had quite the guru thing going!
When I suggested he should maybe follow his own advice first he would retort that it was me not him that had problems. He did not consider his insane clinginess, control issues and rages to be a problem.
Would get progressively more lofty, sanctimonious and hypocritical at times when we were splitting. Eg in January sent me a series of emails containing films to watch which would 'teach me all I needed to know about our relationship when I was looking back in regret and pain' (!). A series of deeply abusive emails told me that I was 'sick', 'mad' and 'psychopathic' (as in mentally ill), 'used my money as a tool of power' (as I objected to him living with me for free and to paying for everything), had 'used him for sex' and was a 'bi-bhit- two times bhit' (this a 'joke' on my being bipolar type II which was my diagnosis at the time- since withdrawn).
I'm certainly not saying I didn't get verbally abusive myself at times but I always found that while I would feel guilty and sick for having done it he would always deny all responsibility (classic BPD/NPD I guess).
for instance once I came into my office where he was working temporarily (we were in the same university) and found him with a sick, snarling look on his face. He was jealous of a male friend of mine (platonic) and had read an exchange where we discussed my coming to see him because I was very down and ex and I were fighting. He took this as an 'arrangement to hit' and then told me that 'he had felt dirty having to read my emails' but because I was 'untrustworthy' due to mental illness and being 'flirtatious' (ie by talking to exes etc on facebook, which he also read, and had jealous tantrums when gay colleagues etc posted on my wall) he had been forced to. Etc.
I occasionally laugh as I remember these episodes of abuse and hypocrisy because they are really quite extreme arent' they? My T shakes her head when I recount them. How could i have let this go on for 3 years? Yes sometimes I gave as good as I got... . but it made me ill. I started to self harm, got suicidal, more and more depressed and finally he labelled me a dangerous 'psycho' and left me pregnant to abort on my own.
I know I have to look at myself, why did I take this, why did I value myself as low as he did... .
I think his constant assumption of guru like superiority was a part of it. Somehow I was vulnerable to it for many reasons even though I found it ludicrous and even laughable at times- like being lectured by an angry 5 year old posing as a headteacher!
Wondering if any others on the board experienced similar and kept taking it.
