Confusion

[cpatlew]

I am not sure if this is the right board to put this question on but here goes. I have a daughter-in-law that is uBPD. She has been to two therapists and becomes angry and leaves after two visits. I suspect the therapists have her pegged and she gets out as quickly as possible. To make a long story short I have observed she becomes fixated on a female and becomes defensive if she feels you have any connection with them (feels she is the only one). She begins to talk, dress and picks up their mannerisms. If they don't fit the bill that she feels she wants (meaning they become as fixated on her as she is on them) they become the enemy and she has nothing good to say about them. She has strategically gone to each female member of my family expect myself and becomes obsessed with them. Calling, emailing, texting telling them how great they are and that she loves them. I seem to be the enemy and have always been. Is this a typical behavior of a BPD. I am trying to learn as much as possible about this disorder. I have three grandchildren and would like to be knowledgeable not only for my sake but theirs. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

cpatlew

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, cpatlew   

You can post this question here, or over on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board (I do know that you are active over there, too). What I have found is that whether you are dealing with your own child or the spouse of your child, the techniques and communication tools that we use are all the same. Though I came over to this site to learn how to help and deal with my dBPDs36, I've come to find that it is helping me also to have a better relationship with my own uBPDdil. I go back and forth between this Board and the Healing Board, and both have wonderful insights and advice and support... .

Have you read any of these Articles? Maybe something here will help:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I can't remember... . Have you read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? It's mostly for family members of pwBPD, and it is extensive and really very helpful. I've been reading and re-reading it for the last few weeks, and referring to it when I am confused with how to deal with my BPD loved ones. I really recommend it to everyone! What books have you read? I know that dealing with your BPDdil is really difficult; it was hard for me, too at first... . But I gotta say, since I've learned all about how and why she thinks and acts the way she does, it has become really easier for me now, and our relationship is so much better. I realized that until I changed the way I understood and communicated with her (and really every other pwBPD in my life), nothing would get better. Now that I changed the way I talk and act with her, she has changed the way she relates to me. It's really getting better and easier... .

[cpatlew]

Thanks Rapt Reader~ I have read Walking on Eggshells and that opened up a lot of connections with her behavior. This site has helped with dealing with my son also. Using the communications skills with him and seeing at this moment a marked improvement. Little baby steps! Still trying to get a feel for what makes my UBPDdil work. I know that there is so much more to learn. Thank you for the insight to the articles. Will make sure to read them. I am one that will read and education myself on every little aspect.

I haven't read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" yet but will make sure that is the next one. I want to get to the point of being able to communicate with her without her blowing-up or going off on my son. I think the more educated I become the better for my family and myself. This is a confusing disorder and there are so many aspects to it. Any help is greatly appreciated.