Husband attempting to turn individual therapy into joint/couples' therapy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Every time my husband gets a new therapist, the therapist wants me to come in after a few sessions. I know this is because he is of course blaming everything on me and focusing on me rather than his actual problems. Should I go? Every time I have participated in any way, it has always backfired badly on me. He says I'm turning the therapist against him, that I'm lying and manipulating the situation, that I am making him look bad, etc. And true to the BP, even though he clams I will only do the "same things" with this therapist, he still keeps begging me to go. I ask him what is the point of asking me to go if all he thinks I am going to do is lie and he says, "Maybe you'll see that you are wrong." Lol. About what? Who knows. All he says is "All the things you are saying" but most of the things he thinks I said were never actually said so... . with that being his stated goal, I can't really see how any of this would be beneficial. My response was: "See I am wrong about what? You having BPD? Anybody can be nice or act normal for an hour. You've even managed it for days at a time here and there over the years. What does that prove? It always goes back to the same thing in the end."

This therapist does not think he has BPD (she has seen him a total of 10 hours and he is on heavy medication) and he has tried repeatedly to rub that in my face and show me that I am wrong, controlling, lying, trying to keep him dependent, etc. That on top of his stated goal of "proving me wrong" and the fact that once again he has tried to turn individual therapy into therapy for me too makes me think that going would be a waste of time and would probably cause even more problems.

Advice?

[Sin_M]

Every time my husband gets a new therapist, the therapist wants me to come in after a few sessions. I know this is because he is of course blaming everything on me and focusing on me rather than his actual problems. Should I go? Every time I have participated in any way, it has always backfired badly on me. He says I'm turning the therapist against him, that I'm lying and manipulating the situation, that I am making him look bad, etc. And true to the BP, even though he clams I will only do the "same things" with this therapist, he still keeps begging me to go. I ask him what is the point of asking me to go if all he thinks I am going to do is lie and he says, "Maybe you'll see that you are wrong." Lol. About what? Who knows. All he says is "All the things you are saying" but most of the things he thinks I said were never actually said so... . with that being his stated goal, I can't really see how any of this would be beneficial. My response was: "See I am wrong about what? You having BPD? Anybody can be nice or act normal for an hour. You've even managed it for days at a time here and there over the years. What does that prove? It always goes back to the same thing in the end."

This therapist does not think he has BPD (she has seen him a total of 10 hours and he is on heavy medication) and he has tried repeatedly to rub that in my face and show me that I am wrong, controlling, lying, trying to keep him dependent, etc. That on top of his stated goal of "proving me wrong" and the fact that once again he has tried to turn individual therapy into therapy for me too makes me think that going would be a waste of time and would probably cause even more problems.

Advice?

[briefcase]

If his therapist wants you to come in as part of his treatment, you may want to consider going, again.  Maybe offer to meet his T one on one, without your husband sitting there.  It will give you an opportunity to communicate openly with the T without it triggering him. 

[bruceli]

If the T is actually saying and believes that H does not have BPD... . Going in would most likely end up not for the better.  I say gut feeling in thses situations tend to be a good barometer... . What does your gut tell you?

[Scout99]

I agree with briefcase. Insist on going for one on one sessions first so you get sufficient time to explain your situation. That will also put the therapist in a mode of focusing on you, as opposed to looking for signs of his rantings about you to be true... .

From an outside perspective it is good to involve people around the patient into the therapy, so far as to teach tools for boundary making or communications skills and also to be able to address hurtful things between you two in a sort of safe setting... . But in order for that to happen it first takes the forming of an alliance between the therapist and both your husband and you... . You both need to feel safe with him or her... . Then it also takes professionality on the therapist's part... . And stating after only ten sessions with a medicated patient who already have the diagnose from a doctor is not serious... .

But again... . seeing this therapist alone might create a more positive outcome than not going at all... . ?

scout99

[Sin_M]

@Briefcase: I'm not sure how she wants to do it. It's hard to know whether he is telling the truth or not. Half of what he says is misperceived and the other half are lies. I would prefer to see her by myself first but I don't think he would agree to that. I spoke to a different therapist of his on the phone oane time and he accused us of plotting against him and having "girl time" where all we did was bash men and talk about me divorcing him and railroading him into jail. That wasn't true; all she did was give me standard advice regarding domestic violence: if he hits you, call the police or leave. If I talk in front of him or talk to her alone, it'll just trigger him either way. That is why I have been going back and forth about it so much. Either way, I lose.

@Scout: Agreed. With everything you said. Therapy is not a drive thru service where you just slap a diagnosis on somebody and send them on through. I don't feel this person is the right fit for him. He likes her and I am respecting that but I personally don't feel she is qualified to treat someone as disturbed as he is. As long as it does not get worse I will respect the relationship. He has had some really bad ones that triggered awful, terrible episodes because they did not understand that people with BPD need specialized treatment.

[briefcase]

DBT seems to be the gold standard.  But, it's great that he's in any kind of treatment at all. 

If you do go, it might help to simply keep an open mind and not make it about what is factually true of not.  Aim for a vibe along the lines of - I really want a better relationship with H and am open to any ideas to make that happen.  He is almost certainly giving a twisted and biased account of you to his T, but so what.  Soon enough the T will figure things out.   

[Sin_M]

That's true. If anything, me being there might show her faster how he really is. LOL. But I do want to make things better; we have children involved. I've put up with worse, that's for sure. My mom said just to go one time and see how it is. He said he wants me to go so I can see how he "really is." I just looked at him for a minute and said, "Oh believe me, I KNOW how you really are." Hahaha. I will see how I feel when the day comes. If I thought it would help, I would go. But I just am not sure at all if it will and I don't want to do something that causes more harm than good. With a BP, there is just no way to tell.

[yeeter]

I would go if individual interaction was a part of it.  And would be open and genuine in trying to help.  Let the T lead the session.  The T will figure it out quickly is my guess.

If he wants you to go together... . I'm less enthused.  I've always had much better experiences if there was some type of 1:1 T interaction on top of any joint sessions.

In my mind the ideal model is each with our own T, then a joint T, with all the T's interacting with each other.

[bruceli]

I would go if individual interaction was a part of it.  And would be open and genuine in trying to help.  Let the T lead the session.  The T will figure it out quickly is my guess.

If he wants you to go together... . I'm less enthused.  I've always had much better experiences if there was some type of 1:1 T interaction on top of any joint sessions.

In my mind the ideal model is each with our own T, then a joint T, with all the T's interacting with each other.

I agree with these statements wholeheartedly.

[SadWifeofBPD]

My sister, a T, says that it's common for a T to do this so as to get a sense of whether their patient is lying or not.  Patients LIE about their spouses all the time, so a T will ask to meet the spouse to get "a feel" for accuracy.

YEARS ago, my H's former T asked to meet me after H had repeatedly painted me as Attila the Hun.  And, H had painted himself as the sweetest, most kindest person in the world.  Well, during the few sessions that I attended, H began raging and displaying ridiculous hypocricies.  H's depiction of himself as this "easy going, go with the flow person" was completely shattered.

After I attended a few meetings (maybe 5?), the T said to my H, "your wife is NOTHING like you've described.  And, you are very needy and irrational."  (the "needy and irrational" part really unglued my H because he thinks he's some kind of "man's man independent type", which he isn't at all.)  I'm certain that if H had continued with this T, then H would have gotten the BPD dx back then (and frankly, the T may have given the dx, but never told H).  H stopped going to this T a couple of months later. 

As for H's current T, she has asked to meet me, but H refuses to give permission.  He doesn't want his "stories" exposed.  He's convinced his T that I would just lie about him to "smear" him.

If you do go, have a few big "red flag" examples to give that will clue the T into what's going on in your home.  give "red flag" examples that your H won't likely be able to argue against or deny.