Anger and self pity

[crystalclear]

I guess its one of those gloomy days for me;

Just feeling very low and angry that his family helped him to breakup with me and find him a 'SUITABLE' match, who he married to now. His mom doubted my character for no reason and compared my parents financial status to their to push him to walkaway.  (cried thinking of it)

I was so used to talking, video chatting and texting him each day, that this lonliness kills me. I do meet friends but just unable to feel connected or happy. I have been my own company for months now. Do not feel comfortable with anyone else, as I can't share my thoughts or experience with any of them.

Yesterday I rejected a guy from moving ahead to the next level, this too would've been a long distance - not like its a no no for me but his behavior has been odd and his expectations were ridiculous to me.

Feel horrible to be alone while my ex got married already and living his dreams. Hurts awfully because his love and emotions seemed so real and intense (illusions I guess). 5 months he got what he wanted as always, while I am still grieving. He called himself an 'eternal optimist' !

[Reg]

Crystalclear,

There may be a marriage, but I hink you know as well as I do that there will not be any happiness, at least not for the other half, who is about to experience what you've experienced.

Borderlines will never ever be happy, it only exists in short moments.  Without help they get nowhere, it just gets worse.

I know exactly how you feel, been there myself.  She did her very best to make me loose all of my friends, even mailed to a number of them.  The result was they broke contact with her.  I also learned to know my real and close friends in that periode.

I had also a longer distance relation, well that is to our ridiculous Belgian standards, about 55 miles away, and we did chat, phone, text, etc a lot.  When it all of a sudden became silent, it was hard, but in this case it was my own decision, as I really did trigger her reaction who was very predictable.  Still it was not easy at all.  It was hard... .

She jumped into a new relation, and was trying to nail me to the cross in her mails, that person was so much better, just like me, but wasn't angry with her, blablabla... .

Turned out to be a high level BPD... .   alcoholic as well, fears beyond belief.  She broke accusing the person to be a borderline.  I had warned her about this even.  And told her she had borderline herself.  She wanted to get back in my life, four long talks about BPD, first she had it, second one probably not, and in the fourth I triggered her to decided we had no future and agreed because talks led to nothing.  She still wanted to hug with me, stay friends,... .   Three days later I had a new mobile number, blocked the whole bunch of her and her friends, and she is convinced I have new e-mail adress as well.

Now she's back with the other borderline, and it will be hell ! 

Lesson from this, their behavior will never change, they will and can never be happy. 

Look for the positive in the negative. 

You may have experienced some of the best moments in your life, but much more of the very worst one on the other hand.  It is not you, it is them... .

Also positive is, you have a new world that can open for you, you have to accept it and be open to it.

I had nobody to talk to, to help me, and my close friends have only now discovered parts of the real story.  I had to get out of the darkness on my own, and I did.

It is a good thing that they are out of lives, although they made us addicted in a way.

It's a good thing that your eyes have opened with that other person, if it doesn't feel good for you, don't do it.

Best advice I can give you is to get from behind that computer, out of the house, meet people, visit friends, go to a movie, look at the blue sky, and realise how blessed you are that you get a new chance, waiting for you when you may least expect it.

Make it a great day ! Just for yourself !

[Clearmind]

Feel horrible to be alone

Work with that CC! We rarely choose healthy partners when we don’t like being alone.

while my ex got married already and living his dreams. Hurts awfully because his love and emotions seemed so real and intense (illusions I guess). 5 months he got what he wanted as always, while I am still grieving. He called himself an 'eternal optimist' !

CC, you may have conveniently forgotten this man is not well – to get married in 5 months is not someone who is concerned about longevity – it’s a quick fix to his roller coaster emotions.

His marriage is not about you yet you personalize it and place self blame.

[crystalclear]

Thank you Reg, thank you clearmind for your responses.

I just want to break free from his thoughts. It kills me sometimes to think how quickly I was replaced by the man who said he'll never think about marriage ever again if our r/s failed.

I guess I am stuck to those words, the great,  the bad and the ugly. Last 2 days have been hard, sobbed painfully a couple of times. Tired of all this... . crying, thinking of past,  and imagining his life with his wife.

I want to break off this chain... .

[Reg]

crystalclear,

There's only one person who can break this chain and that is you.  Believe in yourself !

You are a better person then you think you are.  And you can do it.  Even I did it LOL 

You don't need any imagination to know what his life is now, just the same as it was with you, or even worse for that person with him.

It is just the way they are, it is the borderline, not them, and we can not change them or their behaviour.  So it is also not you ! 

Feel no guilt, let go of it, get out, see people and friends, start a new life again, and do it today.  You can do it !

Reg

[musicfan42]

His family sound awful... . his new wife is stuck having to deal with them whilst she's married to them. I really think that you had a lucky escape here-you may not realise it now but give it time... .

[Clearmind]

Thank you Reg, thank you clearmind for your responses.

I just want to break free from his thoughts. It kills me sometimes to think how quickly I was replaced by the man who said he'll never think about marriage ever again if our r/s failed.

I guess I am stuck to those words, the great,  the bad and the ugly. Last 2 days have been hard, sobbed painfully a couple of times. Tired of all this... . crying, thinking of past,  and imagining his life with his wife.

I want to break off this chain... .

They are words we hang onto instead of all the actions he showed you through out the relationship. "I love you, I want to marry you and have children" does not translate to rages, blame and accusations. There is a major difference between saying those beautiful words and a person then showing that this is in fact how they feel.

His r/s with his wife would be just dandy and then it will fall apart... . its a pattern and he is the common denominator. To further complicate things she has loose boundaries to marry a man in 5 months - I see a lot of learning in her future when it does fall apart.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Crystal Clear, Maybe you can turn that anger into gratitude that you are out of an unhealthy r/s and have learned some hard lessons.  It hurts, I know, yet a long-term r/s with a pwBPD hurts a lot more, believe me.  So try to look at the bright side: you are out of the toxic soup and in a position to move forward in a more authentic way, in my view.  Lucky Jim