Forgiving her is much easier than forgiving myself for my part in the dysfunctional dance. I thought it was real and I feel deeply embarrassed that I was just a crutch to her. A source of affection for her narcissism.
I can totally relate to your feelings in this. I too was/ in part still very ashamed of the fact that my ex wasn't experiencing the relationship the same way I was. It's quite devastating to accept that their capacity to relate to others is based in objectification.
When I realized and accepted this truth it felt so invalidating. And it triggered my hidden worthlessness as I believed that I had finally found unconditional love. It's all very saddening. The little girl in me still weeps at times for the loss.
But I agree. Forgiveness is a major part of the healing process. But I personally believe in forgiving ourselves first and giving ourselves the validation we so freely give to others. Forgiving ourselves takes practice because for so long we've doled out compassion in exchange for validation and acceptance.
With insight I realized how many years I've spent being an emotional matyr and an approval addict. Even with my friends and family. My worth had been based on the happy and sad faces of others due to my own childhood trauma. For me... . forgiving myself is an uphill battle based on reversing this belief that my worth comes from the approval of others. Like Surnia stated... . forgiving ourselves takes practice.
Forgiveness is a journey not a race to the finish line. I do forgive my ex because I accept that he's truly sick. I accept that he had a history before I came into the picture that destroyed the little boy that lives inside of him.
Am I still angry?... . at times yes. When I think of the sweet memories I feel like I was robbed of having the love of my life due to a mental illness... . but I'm slowly starting to let go of that narrative as well.
I am the love of my own life.
Spell